If APs are so fearful of "birth moms," do you think they should be allowed to adopt?

Question

After all, whether the adoptee chooses to search or not, it is a realism that the birth mom exists.

Answer 1

Uhhh.......WHAT??

     I don't get the question

Answer 2

I do not think you should be allowed to adopt unless you are truly going to do what is best for the child.  If circumstances prevail and it would be dangerous for a child to remain in contact...then that is one thing, but if you choose to cut off contact with the first family just because of your own insecurities...then you are imposing your problems on the innocent child.  The first families are a part of the child and therefore should be a part of your life!

Answer 3

I am in no way fearful of my childs mother?  If things keep going the way they are going I am fearful that she won't be everything he wants her to be when he does start to look.  But that will be a while from now as he is only in the first grade.

Answer 4

Your question is interesting. I think it is only human nature to have fears as a mother, whether you adopted or gave birth.

My biggest fear was, could my children love me as much as they love their mother. Now, two years in, I have grown (as hopefully most mom's do) and realize that it is not an either/or situation. They love me differently. There is no measuring stick.

Aps need to recognize their very natural fears and work thru them so as it does not affect the children involved. Now, looking back, I can see how silly my fear was. I can see how much I did not understand. However, I always put my kids first, and respected their mother.

Answer 5

IA mom here. I think that during the homestudy process, discussions about first moms should be delved into a little deeper than they are. For us, I don't think it was discussed simply because we wouldn't know who she was. We adopted from China. But just because we'd have no clear picture of who she was or what she was like, we do have physical proof of her existence: our daughter. We talk about our daughter's "mama" a lot with her. I don't feel threatened. My daughter (3) has a fantasy about her mama that she is a fairy princess. She has powers and is beautiful and lives in a castle guarded by a dragon. She showed me a drawing she had painted about it and I asked if I had powers too and she laughed "no, you're just mommy." My new son (foster care) sadly has an abusive first mom that he does not see, but has very vague memories about. She still exists though. I don't think APs are doing themselves or their children any favours by building these barriers to shut out a simple reality. I think they would find their fears start to lessen when they accepted that hey, they came into the world through another woman, but that doesn't mean that I am any less their mom. I think that's at the crux of any AP who denies the first mom's importance: an insecurity that they have less value or are of less importance than a mom that shares a blood tie.

Answer 6

Well its obvious then they don't care about the child because the mother is part of the child regardless.  If they are so fearful then they should look at why they want to adopt and sort some issues in their own lives out first.  And then they should look at how they can enhance a child's life rather than wanting to separate them from their mother or their heritage.  There is always fostering permanent or otherwise.

Answer 7

Hi,

It is natural to fear that the love you give to your child may be second best  compared to the lure of the elusive mythical 'birth mum'.

But

As an adopted child now adult, I know you do wish to connect biologically with your birth mother to see and recognize your family traits and features but this just curiosity.  Your real parents are the ones who wiped away your tears nurtured and supported you. Any one thinking about adopting should remember this . Be honest tell the child they are 'wanted' and 'loved' and your adopted child will love you all the more.

Let the fearful adopt, think of the love they will miss out on if they don't.

Answer 8

No and not be able to foster either.

Answer 9

I was never afraid of my kids first mom, so I really don't know how to relate to the question.  However, I asked my partner last night why someone would do IA (she is a social worker) and she said because you don't have as likely of a chance of the first mom changing her mind.  Maybe people who want this are afraid of first moms?  I just can't imagine what I would be feeling right now if I hadn't gotten to know my kids first mom before she died.  Who says that adoptive parents are the only people that can love and parent these children?  I think that "fearful" adoptive parents need to do more soul searching on the subject before jumping into adoption, but to say they can't adopt...they might come around and be awesome parents, right?

Answer 10

I think potential adoptive parents, need serious counseling on this matter, before being allowed to adopt... I say this, because I was adopted, and I had to live with my adoptive mom's fear of my birth mom, my whole life... I didn't need her stress about it, forced upon me, and it was very uncomfortable, and caused me to resent her... My birth mom will always be a part of me, and by rejecting her/saying bad things about her, she was rejecting me... Also, one of my biological sisters died of ovarian cancer, at the age of 31, and a year later, my birth mom also died, of breast cancer... I told my (adoptive) mom, and she said, "Well, sorry to hear about *sisters' name*." Not a word about my birth mom, which means she couldn't even put herself and her own feelings, aside, for my sake, and try to understand how I might be feeling.

Bottom line: if they can't get over it, then, yes, I think they should NOT be allowed to adopt... There's a natural, mild fear, and there's a crippling fear... Either way, the adopted kids shouldn't have to deal with it.

Answer 11

They should be allowed to adopt, but every adoptive parent shoud get a reality check from the agency before they do that the child may want to find the birth mom or may not and they will have to decide. (:

Answer 12

I'm not sure what you think you mean. If a parent is afraid of a biological parent it doesn't sound like they are well enough to pass a home study, so I don't think it would be any particular problem.

Answer 13

Most APs are NOT fearful of "birth moms".  If they are, they should not adopt, no.  A "birth mom" is a part of your child... a big part, whether she is in his/her life physically or not.

Answer 14

The only time I have ever met anyone who was afraid of a "birth mom" was when my brothers' biological parents tried to get their little sister back.  Here you have to ask yourself "Why would someone who had birthed 7 children and either abandoned them, or had them removed for neglect (different situation each time) suddenly come back and try to get only the girl?"  The girl was not the youngest child.  She was also not the healthiest child.  She had been given up at birth and was 6-year-old when they tried to reclaim her.  

Her adoptive parents WERE scared.  They were scared of what these people (bio-mom and supposed bio-dad, this was before the days of DNA testing) were going to do to their daughter!  I think they had every right to be.  I was only a child when all this was happening, and I was even scared.  Even though I didn't have any ideas in my head then about, oh, child s*x rings and such, I just knew in my gut that something weird was going on.  

In such a case, I think being scared is justified.  However, no one else I have ever met was actually scared of the "birth mom".  Most of the time, they haven't even met her.  Some parents are afraid of the idealism with which some adopted children hold their biological parents, but I don't think that is fear of the biological parents themselves.  In fact, most parents only fear these fantasies because of the dissappointment and pain they might bring the child later.  

I am pretty sure that no adoptive parent thinks the Stork delivered their child to them.  They don't believe their child lept into being out of mere non-existence.  Except in cases where the biological parents have died, the adoptive parents are pretty sure they are "out there somwhere".  Maybe not all adoptive parents handle this the same way.  I think it is pretty obvious, from posts here, that some adoptive parents manage to mangle things pretty badly.  However, I don't think the solution to this is to stop adoptions. Rather, I think more education and support should be given prior to adoption.  Adoptive parents should be given instructions on positive methods to use to deal with the biological parent situation.  Open adoptions are often a good way to handle this.  However, because not every biological parent wants an open adoption, and because not every biological parent is fit to be in the child's life, that isn't a universal solution.  Adoptive parents need to be given more resources to help them with these sorts of questions.    

Answer 15

Dear Brain,

NO.  

I'm beginning to think either you "get it" or you don't.  If you don't "get it" please don't adopt.  First parents are a part of your child, by honoring them you honor your child.