If Adoptive Parents Do a Good Enough Job of Parenting?

Question

Does that mean an adoptee will not search?

I ask this because adoptees who have not felt the need to search keep affirming what a wonderful upbringing they had.

Do people see searching adoptees as people who are dissatisfied with their adoptive families?

(personally I had a great upbringing; but I still search; just trying to understand how people think)

Answer 1

i had a wonderful, awesome upbringing.  i still searched, and my aparents paid for it.

i don't think for me that it had to do with my parents.

it was a different issue.  i needed to know.  period.

my aparents were secure enough in their own relationship with me, that they encouraged my looking.

it made my relationship with them a million times stronger, too!

Answer 2

Well, I hope I do an awesome job of parenting. But my husband and I anticipate our daughter will want to search and will support her every step of the way. I don't think it will be a reflection on our parenting skills. Indeed, I would be honored if when the time comes, she will accept my help.

Answer 3

Many have already said what I would say, but let me add this...

I did not search to replace my adoptive parents.  My adoptive parents are "real" parents to me.  In real life, I call them, simply, "parents."  Had they been lousy parents, perhaps I would have searched sooner.  But the fact is, my searching had nothing to do with my adoptive parents.  My search has been about me.  About finding out more about myself, my past, my origins.

I understand that adoptees sometimes don't search (I'm not saying this is true of anyone here who didn't search) because of loyalty to their adoptive parents.  Indeed, maybe I held off so long because I felt a great deal of loyalty to my parents.  I love them, and I didn't want to hurt them.  I was afraid my search would.  But my amom was more excited for me to search than I was, I think.  And my adad accepted it for what it was.  (He's not a very emotional person.)

ETA: I didn't tell my adoptive parents about my search until after it was well underway (indeed, a week later, I got my first letter from my first mom).  I didn't tell them because I did care about their feelings.  But I also knew I had to do this, even if it hurt them.  I didn't want to hurt them, but I needed to do this.

Answer 4

I think there will always be a need to search. everyone needs to feel that they know :who they are". and where they came from. But if they are raised right and given all the info they need or want then there would be less dissatisfied adoptees. I am legal guardian of two boys and hope to adopt soon. I will always keep copies of their original birth certificates and all the info I have on family. We are fortunate that we know them personally but I keep a journal so in case people move on or die before the children grow up. I personally feel I am their "real" mother and I feel no threat of their birth parents.

Answer 5

My cousins were adopted. I did a school project on the topicover 30 years ago and started asking since then if they were interested in finding their biological parents.

For them and 2 other adoptees I know, they doubt anything they could find could be better than the betrayal they may cause the parents they grew up with.

others that even wrote books said they were yearning to find their lineage especially when having a baby - they couldn't fill out hospital forms asking if they had inheritory illnesses.

Natural parents they found ranged from :

- forced to adopt out by family when teen pregnancy

- dads who weren't told their girlfriend was even pregnant

- some moved on with established families now

- others even have been searching for years for their child.

Each child, the brothers/sisters, and all 4 parents have their own personal experience, so follow yours and good luck.

Answer 6

I think it's perfectly normal to search. It in no way means your adoptive parents were bad.

Answer 7

It makes me sad that anyone could believe this.  My a'parents were/are great--and they were very supportive of my search.  I was a little worried when I first told them I had decided to search.  My a'mom just said, "I'd want to know if I were you."

She understood that I searched because I felt a need to know who I am and where I come from.  I think some non-adoptees never think about that urge (or even know it exists) because it has always been satisfied for them.  So when they hear about searching, they have to invent some reason for doing it.

Answer 8

I'm not an adoptee, but please don't shoot me for answering this question!  From what I've seen and heard, the desire to search has absolutely no bearing on what either set of parents/family have done or not done, how they acted, how "good" they were...in fact, it seems to have very little to do with the parents at all.  The need to find out who a person is, is inside that person, and doesn't have any bearing on any other person (and this is true for non-adopted persons, too).

Answer 9

even if you have great adoptive parents. you will still wonder if you look like your mother or father. if you have any brothers or sisters. maybe you would like to know why you were put up for adoption. even if you had the most wonderful life i think somewhere in your mind you will want to know who your birth parents are. i personally can't tell you from experience because i live with both my birth parents but i have a boyfriend that was adopted and i know deep down he would like to meet his birth parents.

Answer 10

I have a friend who was adopted by wonderful people.  She only wanted to search once she was having children of her own because she didn't truly know her genetic health history.

Answer 11

Searching for your origins has nothing to do with your upbringing. It's more than a natural curiosity...it's a human basic need or desire to know who your bio parents are. It's also a personal/private choice.

My child has an open adoption with her bio mom but if she didn't I would encourage and support her if she wanted to search.

Answer 12

My wife (and her sister) is adopted and has wonderful parents and does not complain about her upbringing (rather she complements them). She, out of curiosity, asked her mother once if she knew anything about her BP's. She said that she saw the pain in her mother's eyes and never wanted to ask again (Her mom knew nothing and has said she would help if she wanted it).

On a whim, I made a few calls and got some info. We made a trip over to Mississippi and spoke to a judge who blocked us from getting any more information. Since then, she hasn't shown an interest to pursue it further (she has never shown an interest. She made a comment and I tried to see how far I could get with no expense.)

So, I think (nearly) all adoptees have some curiousity about their BPs, but those that seek either have APs that don't mind (and understand that curiousity) or they dont care about their AP's feelings. (I knew I would get thumbs down bc of this paragraph)

Answer 13

No it doesn't mean that they won't search ... most adoptee's search because they want to understand their birth parents and/or see if the "fairytale" they've created is correct.  For me I needed to search for information on my birth father because I wanted to know parts of me that my mother wouldn't answer .. but my adopted dad was the greatest.

I've adopted two little girls and I know they're curious now about where their parents are, unfortunately I can't answer because the state isn't forth coming with a lot of information.  But I search for information for them so that when they are ready I can help them out.

Answer 14

They are seperate issues.

Geneology, worldwide, is the biggest hobby.

It's throughout the entire bible.

It's normal and natural. Being a lover of history, I can't begin to imagine not wanting to know. Maybe it doesn't have as much to do with adoption and the person's experience, but the level of education one has and wishes to acquire.

Answer 15

well, I think everyone is different, and no one should judge another person.

I don't think you should be judged for searching, and have it assumed that you weren't happy with your life and your AP, just because you search

I also don't think people who DON'T search should be judged.. that's their decision.. some people feel differently about "Blood" and some adoptees probably SINCERELY feel that their AP are their "real parents" and that their bio parent's really aren't a "part of them" just because they passed on their jeans.. Everyone feels differently about things.. Personally, I was raised by a GREAT bio mom, but it's not the fact that we share DNA that makes me feel so close to her, but the love and way she raised me.. If I found out today that she was NOT my real mother, I would feel no less close to her, or in NO way that she is not my "real" mother..  (of course I  may be a bit shocked, even unhappy that I wasn't told) .. but it's not genetics that make me feel that this woman is my "real" mother.. It's the way she raised me, the selfless love... so, IF an adoptee feels that way about their AP.. that's great.. no need to judge them

basically.. everyone's different...everyone reacts to things differently, so they shouldn't be judged..

to answer your question, I'm sure alot of people DO see searching adoptees as dissatisfied.. it's a natural conclusion to reach.. but it's not always a correct conclusion.. such people are not necessarily TRYING to be judgmental, but they DO need to think it through again from different angles.. openminded-ness is what's important..

BTW.. if I found out that I was adopted.. as close as I am to my "real mom" (which, in this senareo, would be my adoptive mom) I WOULD be at least curious as to who my birth-mom was, what she looked like, why she made the decision to give me up for adoption.. I don't think I could ever be close to anyone like I am to "mom" but I would still be at least curious and want to meet biomom at least once, and have some questions answered..