If I dislike my adoption, does that mean my life is ruined?

Question

I have seen several comments in the last few days (and, truthfully, during my time here on Y!A) that suggest people who "hate" adoption have troubled lives, don't have fulfilled lives, etc.

That has me wondering... Do I have to love my adoption to have a fulfilled life? Is the only way to be a successful person to love and celebrate my adoption? Is it possible to be a whole person without liking adoption?

I ask because if that's the only way, someone should probably tell my my wife, my friends, my family, and my boss that, any day now, I might not have a fulfilled life. I think I should prepare them for the total collapse of my otherwise very full life.

Answer 1

I"M NOT FU#!*ING UNHAPPY!!!!!  uh ok we believe u

Answer 2

I think adoption has had too many horror stories. I completely support adoption and I believe you can be a happy and fulfilled adult coming from "adopted" parents. Almost any low life loser can produce a child- it takes a special person to raise, love, and nurture a child! Good for you and I would ignore most of the comments about adoption- a lot of people are ignorant to the benefits of being adopted!  

Answer 3

Most of us have events that happened in our life that we don't like but still go on to lead perfectly happy, fulfilled, and successful lives.

So no, your life isn't ruined.

Answer 4

no one has to be happy with their background whether they were adopted or born into their family to have a happy successful fulfilled life.  life is what you make of it.  using adoption as an excuse doesn't make sense.

Answer 5

Dear Phil,

My goodness, I can't think of a single person I know (and I know lots and lots of folks!) who is completely and utterly happy with every single aspect and event of their lives! Some have certainly less to complain about than others but absolutely no one I can think of has lived a "perfect" life.

There are people who have been so hurt or have an issue that is so powerful in their lives that it plays a big role in who they are, but guess what! EVERYTHING in our lives plays a role in who we are! Sometimes negatives can ruin someone's life, but MOST of the time they make us better people! Many of us who have been so effected by something tend to work to usher in change - lots of people do this in lots of areas. Look at how the USA was created, how women got the vote, how the civil rights movement etc. happened - many GOOD things come from discontent. Many great people got to be great beause they were UNHAPPY about something in their lives!

We are created by our genetics and developed by ourenvironmentss. There is no one who has lived a life without disappointment, failure, sadness or loss at some point - but we manage to still feel elation, success, joy or gain too. It can be argued that this balance allows us to truly appreciate the good things BECAUSE we understand how much "better" it is than the negative. These are all NATURAL feelings and are experienced by everyone. They are a part of the HUMAN EXPERIENCE. Personally, I like most of my feelings -even the bad ones, because they help me understand others better, motivate me to be a good person and try to make the world a "better" place by changing the things that make me sad or angry. Some people would say these dissapointments, sadness, losses, etc., "build character" or "that which doesn't kill us makes us stonger" and I think this is mostly true. It is often through failure and disappointment that we grow.

I do believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes though, it isn't an event or reason we like or enjoy. Have you ever been to Dispair.com? They make "demotivational" products. Hilarious site - you should check it out and get a laugh. They have one poster which shows a sinking ship and says something like: "Perhaps your purpose is simply to be an example to others." I have decided that perhaps maybe that is true. Maybe sometimes the reason bad things happen is to make us better as people or the make PEOPLE better because of ourselves.

You seem like a pretty cool and fulfilled guy who understands this stuff, I agree it is frusterating to explain to folks who don't "get it" yet. I thing that there are several of us who understand where you are coming from and we're trying to help (see - the whole "maybe the purpose is...") You can love your APs with all your heart and have had a lovely childhood and still have issue with your adoption! Your APs sound like awesome folks and you seem to have done quite well. You seem quite well adjusted to me and I think you are doing exactly what most INTELLIGENT and WELL BROUGHT UP people do when they see a problem - you're trying to make it better! Don't let the people who don't "get it" get to you - they may not have the make-up or the experiene yet to be able to! Just keep doing what you're doing! It sucks and it's tedious and it's down right irritating sometimes but I bet Jefferson, Franklin, Gandhi, M.L.K. etc. all had people who didn't "get it" to deal with too!

The world of "culture" is full of masterpieces form people who have suffered. Sometimes masterpieces come from the most unlikely sources and reasons. Many of the greatest art, music and writing has been born from pain, loss, anger etc. Sometimes they even come from accidents! Check out the lives of Degas, Munch, Woolfe,  Poe, Salinger, J.K. Rowling, etc. - not the most glamorous or "full" beginnings and all or most have suffered somehow. Depression, tragedy, etc. have been expressed beautifully and constructively to have a profound impact on those who view/read/hear it. FEELING expressed. Let it OUT!!

I'm a photographer and some of my favorite shots have been "flawed" and THAT it is what makes them so beautiful. Sometimes over-exposure or graniness make the photo "feel" right. One of my favorite photography sayings is this: "Life is like photography - It develops from the negatives."

I guess what I'm saying is that YOU are the ONLY one who can decide if your life fullfills YOU; and only YOU can decide how to express your feelings. It is a shame that there are people who not only can't understand it would cause you to question it beause of their ignorance!! Hopefully you won't let them get you down! :)

ETA: Sheesh. I didn't realize this had gotten so long! Sorry! :)

Answer 6

I don't really understand what you hate?  You had no choice in being adopted.  That was between your birth mother, the state agency that supervised it, and your current parents.

Don't you like your current parents, haven't they loved and cared for you?

You seem to be well-educated, and well-off enough to have computer access, isn't that a blessing?

And, why would your life be ruined, just because you were adopted?  (or you do not "love" that).  If your wife, friends or family already like you, then adoption is something that is pointless, in reference to your future

Get over it.

Plenty of people have ruined lives who were not adopted.

It's always your life, you get to choose whether you want to feel victimized or not.

Have a happy life, your choice.

Answer 7

[Don't you like your current parents, haven't they loved and cared for you?]

Is that supposed to be a guilt-trip? O.o

Funny how NO ONE (usually adoptive parents, but the occasional adoptee) wants to admit that d**n, first parents are capable of LOVING and CARING too!

I mean, really. Adoption, by default, obviously proves that first mothers wouldn't have been capable of loving or caring about their children because they relinquished!

Okay, snark hat off.

Yeah, adoptive parents love and care about their children - because that's what they signed up for. And the ones that don't? Should have never adopted in the first place.

It's like saying, "Despite the fact that *I* wanted you, *you* should be grateful that I even took the time to feed and clothe you."

Come on. If (generic) you planned on putting this lifetime debt upon our heads... then why the bloody heck did you adopt?

Answer 8

HECK NO!  But, in my opinion, I think that if there is a problem in your life that is causing you emotional distress to the point that is inhibiting your life in a major negative way, you should get some help with that.

I'm sure that there are many adoptees that are very unhappy with the fact that they were adopted.  If that adoptee is mad at the situation and still living life to it's fullest, that is great.  But if an adoptee (or anyone else) becomes a bitter shut-in and a danger to themselves or others, they need help.

You do not have to be a happy adoptee to have a fullfilled life.

Answer 9

YES!

Answer 10

you seem like a  nice guy n all but i think you're too depressing. You're the type that like to wallow in your sorrow...

its kinda pathetic  

Answer 11

Yes.  You would think that after reading in here that some adoptees would have rather been aborted...  H-E-L-L-Oooooo!  Do you not see those answers?  

Answer 12

I have a very fulfiled life. I have a wonderful husband, child, sister, cousins, Many friends and a good career.

I hate the fact that my parents were killed.

I hate the fact that adopted children are brought and sold.

I hate the fact that many of us cannot ever know the names of the women that gave birth to us, of the names of the men who father us.

I hate adoption.

I hate the fact it is a business, where children are valued and sold for according to their colour, age, gender and eye colour like pieces of merchandise.

I hate the fact that no-one thinks about the child, and that we are returnable.

I love my life, my family, I hate my a-parents for kiking me out at age 17, and for  not being as pretty,or as good as their 'real' daughter.

One thing in my life does not define my life. It is a part of me, not me.  

Answer 13

I can understand where you are comming from to an extent. I was adopted by my "step father" My last name got changed and i was then Legally his kid. But i also knew who my father was, my real one. Why didn't he want to see me for 17 years, why wasn't he there, and all just because him and my mother didn't get along???!!!!! WHAT THE FK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME???? Then to top it all off my mother and step father got divorced, and then he didn't want nothing to do with me, talk about opening the same wound all over again.

Here is my answer, You don't have to be "Happy" that you were put up for adoption or that you have a good life now because of those people who took you into their home and took care of you like their own child. You love these people and they love you! You can be appreciative of the life you have with them, but you will always wonder where, who, what, why and everything else about your real parents. You don't have to be happy about that at all!

Furthermore, I have an aunt who was MADE to give up her child that she was pregnant with when she was 16. Her parents sent her away like she was some disease or stigma. She has some major problems because of it and her one wish in life is to find her son. I know this prob doesn't help you, but just keep it in the back of your head that your adoption may have been a case like this.

Answer 14

Adoption is what happened to me, it does not define who I am. Likewise you feel the same way. I have never understood why people think adoption should define me as a person.

Anyway, I hate clowns, mayo and my food touching on my plate. I really don't think that my life is ruined by how i feel. The only way it could be ruined is if I stop eating and refuse to take my nephew and niece to the circus because i hate clowns!

There are many people who are not adopted who have ruined their lives. So, i can't agree with those who say that those who hate adoption, live ruined lives.

Answer 15

Oh, goodness, Phil.  I feel as though I've pointed this out ad nauseum within responses.  

There are some folks who equate disliking adoption with having a miserable life, if you happen to be adopted.  It simply isn't so.  A person can be quite generally content with his or her life, despite disliking one aspect.  People also seem to have an incredibly difficult time separating a dislike for adoption, in and of itself, with how one feels about his or her own adoptive parents and upbringing.  They are unrelated, but some people don't seem to "get" that.  

I really like living in the USA.  I think that there are some terrific aspects to it.  I don't like the current President.  Does that mean I hate the US and my life sucks over it?  No, of course not!  How silly.  I like where I work and enjoy my job quite a bit.  Does that mean I agree with everything the corporation does?  No.  If I disagree, does it mean I hate my job and my life is destroyed?  Certainly not.  How absurd!  

I consider myself fortunate to have the good life I have.  But, I certainly don't have to think adoption as we know it is a wonderful thing.  I don't need to think that in order for my life to be good.  Nor does disliking it mean my life is bad.  These faulty correlations make having decent discussions here very difficult sometimes.  I do not like adoption as we know it.  I'm certainly not going to celebrate it.  In fact, I want to work to change it.  But, that's not got anything to do with the good life I have.

Actually, if my life was horrible and in a miserable shambles, I doubt I'd have the time, energy or desire to be all that concerned with changing adoption.  I consider it just one more blessing in my life that I am able to work in that arena.  

I doubt that many of the suffragettes were horribly miserable women.  They were actually very positive, forward-thinking people.  But, they had a lot of opposition, even from women!  There were those who suggested that they were just miserable souls, though.  People  have a hard time seeing the whole when they disagree with the message.

Answer 16

I don't understand what you mean by hating your adoption?  Were you adopted and you hate it? or you don't like the child you adopted?  

Answer 17

Hi PhilM

I think to have a fulfilled life, means you need to be happy with the life you have.  Maybe not the one that you should have had or the life that you may want (better house / job..etc) but the life that you have and what you make of it!

Answer 18

I feel ya Phil.  Ultimately, we do decide where we go with our lives.  One can dislike adoption for what it really is and still like their own AP's and guess what go on to have very successful lives.

Hey, I have a great job, husband and child.  I don't hate my AP's either. I do hate the fact that I've lost a piece of me which I am trying to find.  I hate the fact that I've lost the natural ability to be in touch my own culture.  I hate the fact that I don't have that natural bond with my AP's like I have with my own bio child...I feel like I missed out on that when I see how much closer my friends are to their biofamily.  I hate the fact that I was literally abandoned.  Do I regret being adopted, no...I don't regret anything in life or I wouldn't be the person I am today.

But I feel remorse for individuals who didn't have a 'happy' adoption story, I dislike the fact that so many individuals don't have access to their own records. I hate the fact that children are stolen and taken away from their biofamilies because of the demand and stupid laws in certain countries.  I hate that 'adoption' is the term or idea to hide behind these so-called 'illegal' activities.  

Answer 19

Maybe it's because you finish your posts with "living life as an adoptee one day at a time."

Maybe you're not aware, but "one day at a time" is the slogan for alcoholics, drug addicts, and abuse victims.

Answer 20

I grasp what you are saying, Phil, but at the same time, I fear my children hating that they were adopted.  I know that it's not a reflection on me, but I still want them to feel peace with being adopted.  That might be a pipe dream, though.

Answer 21

wow phil... the hate

although i'm not an adoptee, i have a ton of respect and love for the community, since they embraced me when i went through my issues with adoption.

i believe that people have ruined lives for many reasons. and being adopted might or might not be at the core. i know many people who disliked being adopted, yet are overall happy with their lives.

so...sure you can be happy (as i'm sure you are) AND care for you aparents, without jumping for joy over your adoption.