If I don't "TELL THEM OFF," does it make me weak?

Question

I don't like confronting people, but not for what you most likely think. I'm really interested in how people think and process information, especially if their viewpoints are different than mine.

I know in many cases, including my own, when people quickly snap, or try to "put me in my place," I learn to suppress my thoughts but I very rarely change my viewpoint. Or - I focus on the anger in which the person said it.

I am more apt to listen to people make ignorant comments and take it in to process myself at either a later time or there. Sometimes, if I feel that the person is willing to learn, I will have a discussion.

Is this a bad approach as I notice I am in the minority who does this and sometimes I think perhaps I shouldn't "allow" people to say these things...

Plus I feel disrespected when I am snapped at, while I barely do that to others...

Answer 1

Hi Reisling!

No, I don't think this makes you weak.  Everyone is different and operates from different viewpoints.  You have your way of doing things, and you are strong for knowing your way and sticking to what is right for you.

Not everyone is the same.  Some people are aggressive, some are passive, and some are moderate.  No one is wrong for how they are.  It would not be fair to say that.  But if the way you are hurts you or someone else, then that's when changes are due.  For instance, some passive aggressives are quite manipulative in their ways, and this ends up hurting other people.

Everyone has the right to be who they are.  Have a nice one Reisling!

Answer 2

It's interesting you used the term "tell them off."  I think there's a difference between being assertive and being aggressive.  It's ok to say.  I don't like that. It's not ok to say. I don't like that and you are a bleep bleep for doing it.

No, it doesn't make you weak if you don't tell someone off or make a scene. Sometimes it's a show of strength to keep your silence. It's when a person flies off the handle, that can be a problem...then the other persons knows what sets you off and then after that they'll push your buttons at every opportunity.  If you stay quiet, or you let them know calmly but firmly what your terms are...what you will and will not accept from them, and not let them get your goat ... that's when you retain the power.

Ex:  Several years back, I dated a professor, a man from Africa. It was a very short, intense and exceptionally passionate relationship. He was also an arrogant SOB.  We'd yell, scream, argue...but it always ended up in bed. Yeah, the s*x was incredible, but in retrospect I believe he got off more on seeing me upset than on the s*x itself.  

Well, he went back to his home country and I didn't hear from him in six months.  He returns and just wants to take up where we left off...and I wasn't having any of that. It was my last year of college and I didn't need the distraction. However, I knew if I screamed and yelled, then he'd be the one in "control" and it be the same old thing again... so instead I went the opposite round. I stayed quiet. I said nothing to him. I didn't call him, nor would I return his calls. I avoided him.  One day, he saw me on campus and said to me "You didn't call me."  I looked at him and calmly but evenly said, "yes, I know." and then walked off.  My friends told me his chin just dropped to the ground lol. He eventually left me alone.

Come to think of it, my 1st husband and I had a similar dynamic. Imagine that sort of drama for 9 years, though... ack!

Of course, back then I was in my 20s and 30s...and drama almost seems to come with the territory then.

Maybe people really do get mellow with age.  These days I am in a drama free relationship, and I've learned choose my fights carfully at work and other places...and not tell people off, and have manage not to lose my mind in the process lol.  

Mind you, I don't always get it right...but I am trying.

Answer 3

if you don't tell them off usually that means because you're the bigger person, which you probably are inside.

but from others, if you don't react and what they said was pretty ad, you would be considered weak because it would seem like you have no comeback!

especially if there's a big crowd.

or it's a big deal.

if you care what other people think, i suggest you snap back.

and if you're one of those people that don't care and words don't hurt you and everyone else around you is aware of that - i suggest you just leave it alone.

maybe it depends on the reputation.

Answer 4

The only problem that I see with your approach is that coincidentally, the same type of ignorance that would snap at you would also mistake you for being meek.

    I too, tend to keep things to myself mainly because I don't want to say things in the heat of anger and then have to apologize later.

    I think that sometimes you just have to respond in order to not be treated like a doormat.

Answer 5

NO, you're not weak. At least I don't think you are, because I know exactly how you feel and it would be silly of me to look down on you for it.  

How were you raised? Were you taught to be polite? Were you made to be feel bad when being assertive? Do you "freeze" when people snap at you, and have racing thoughts going through your head making you even feel more confused? Sometimes, it's easier to just keep quiet than do something about it, because you're not sure what's the best action to take.

If the answer is yes, maybe you were just conditioned to respond that way...I get paranoid that being mean might make me look like a *****, because people have told me to be more kind if I ever get mean.  If I'm  too nice, I'm a wimp and need to be more assertive! It's a no-win situation!

So far, everyone has told me that it takes practice to be more assertive. It won't happen overnight.

Although, I don't recommend this is the best place to ask this question, because I asked something similar awhile ago and then deleted it (let's just say not much good came out of it).

EDIT: I have a feeling who gave me a thumbs down..Sorry honey, I'm not a troll and you accusing me of being one isn't going to stop me from posting here and helping others as I see fit!

Answer 6

There is a way that you can get your point across without going off on someone. No one likes to be snapped at or to "be put in their place". You can be assertive and get your point across without being disrespectful.

Answer 7

There is greater strength in silence than in letting one's words flow out of one's mouth unedited and without much thought.  This is your "style" and there is nothing wrong with it.  In many ways it is the strength traditionally associated with women.  There will come a time when you will have to take a stand, but you will know it, and the discipline you have developed through the years will serve you well.

Answer 8

You may be in the majority because many people aren't as emotionally intelligent as you seem to be. Some people may disrespect you but if you are self controlled and a skillful listener you should have more  respect than not.Perhaps you need to learn about being more assertive and gaining increased listening skills. I think that your approach is more intelligent and less stressful then telling others off and being angry and frustrated.

Answer 9

What is so 'strong' about responding to ignorance and rudeness with ignorance and rudeness?

I think it was Mohandes Ghandi who said "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind",  and that sounds like common sense to me.

Of course there are times where it is better to stand up for oneself, but responding to hate with hate, to fear with fear and to ignorance with ignorance is not the way to do it.

Retain your dignity, and also your right to decide how, when and if you will respond.

Best wishes :-)