If a child doesn't tell her mother about something major (traumatic) that happened to her, is this normal?

Question

Would you think the child is affected? Or is that a normal thing anyway for children (5, 8 or 12 years of age, let us say) not to tell her parents?

Answer 1

It's normal. Sometimes people don't want other people to know about things like that, even though it's usually good to go to their parents for help. Other people might be afraid that their parents will be negative toward them about it. Basically, it's normal.

Answer 2

My first reaction is that with the age group you have that perhaps they have a solid support group. Or perhaps the eldest is taken into confidence.

I agree with some other answers, it depends on the truma. I will tell you how my kids handled things, in an effort to give an example.

1. My youngest son would go to his sister if someone was bullying them

2. My daughter would go to my son if she was hearing gossip bad about the family

3. If they felt abused, or taken advantage of them come to me.

Now here is a question I would like you to ask yourself. If your child comes to you, how do you react? over react? Do you listen or feel the need to resolve the problem and come out swinging?

I faced one of the hardest things to handle as a parent. My daughter came to me about sexual abuse. She came to me because she wanted to talk about it, was not sure what happened.

My first instint was to kill the person involved.

My second was to talk the matter through for my daughter, calmly, openly, address her feelings of guilt, did she cause it, was there anything she could have done different?

The above comment goes for anything. Do you over react? Do you just talk about it? Do you feel the need to resolve it? Do you embrases them but bringing it out into the open?

There are so many factors to consider.

If the neighbor is being a bully, they might not tell you and try to resolve it internally.

My favorite start to a converstion from my now adult kids. OK mom, don't be a drama queen and just listen to me. Then we talk it out.  

Answer 3

I'm not sure if this applies or not. If not, I apologize There are different types of traumatic events, but the most prevalent I would say is something related to abuse. The reason that mother or parents are not told is because there may be a predatory abuser that has threatened to cause great harm to someone, or something IF the child "tells".

Normal? Normal doesn't apply to the situation as there is a threat that causes the child to remain quiet.

Excerpt from:

Gift From Within - PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers~

Shame is a deep, debilitating emotion, with complex roots. Its cousins are guilt, humiliation, demoralization, degradation and remorse. After experiencing a traumatic event, whether recent or in the distant past, shame can haunt victims in a powerful and often unrecognized manner. Shame impairs the healing and recovery process causing victims of trauma to stay frozen, unable to forgive themselves for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Shame leaves victims with feelings of sadness and pain at the core of their being. They are unable to feel the fullness of joy in their lives.

Trauma allows “shame thinking” to blossom from deep roots in culture, religion, family or our childhood past. As children we tend to blame ourselves for things that happen around us, because we are limited in our capacity to think about others being responsible. In a five-year old’s mind if something bad happened, then she or he must have deserved it, therefore the universe makes sense. It is not until around age 12 that we gain the cognitive capacity to see how others’ actions and behaviors are more complex with varying degrees of culpability. However, there are many confusing messages about responsibility in our culture, causing even adult victims of trauma confusion over responsibility for the perpetrator’s actions. For example, the way a woman was dressed being part of the questioning by a police officer investigating a sexual assault.

Shame can dissolve positive self-esteem and leave victims of trauma feeling different and less worthy and in some cases even bad or evil themselves. The trauma and the resulting shame potentiate each other, causing greater intensity in the psychological wounds. The end result is that a traumatized person no longer feels worthy of being loved, accepted, and having good things happen to them in their life.

Answer 4

It is normal because the first thing they feel is embarassment, and then they feel that they'll be blamed for whatever it is that happened.  The main thing to remember is that something DID happen that affected them, so you need to be calm, and understanding.  Make sure that they understand that you're there to help them with their problem, not get mad at them.  I only hope that my kids have been told enough times that no matter what it is, nothing is too big or horrible us to handle together, and that they can ALWAYS come to me for anything, no matter what it is.  I can only hope.  

Answer 5

maybe. she could be not telling you for fear of what might happen.sometimes they might think it is their fault and they dont want to get into more trouble. anyway, i think you should just let her know that you are there for her....

Answer 6

Yes b/c we have private children as in they like to keep themselves. Then again it really depends on the child's personality. If the child is use to telling everything then I would say it isn't normal...unless. The child is threaten.

ex. If you tell I will do something bad to  blah blah.

Answer 7

Depends on the trauma, the dynamics around it. If the child sees the parents as a safe haven, then she should be able to go to them for help. If the child somehow sees teh mother as dangerous, or sees telling her as being dangerous (i.e. if I tell, she wont love me anymore..), then she may not.  

Answer 8

It depends on the quality of the relationship of the child and parent. If you have a good one its irregular and if it's bad, it's expected that the child wouldn't say anything.  

Answer 9

They should disclose it to parents. There is no harm

parents care for there children