If a natural mother is afraid to say they changed their mind while in a pre-birth selection process...?

Question

How do you think they will handle other major decisions that may need to be made during the child's life?

This question refers to my pre-birth options that women have in the USA- not a bash on natural mothers. I respect every natural mother who chose life for their children.

Answer 1

Well, I can't think of a more vulnerable person that a scared, pregnant, and usually young girl.

You gain confidence in parenting, in the beginning, you think you don't know anything and you look to the professionals to tell you what to do..then you get more confidence and realize they don't always know best..sometimes mom does.

There is so much pressure placed on a young girl who may be considering adoption..."Look at Mr. and Mrs. Smith...they are married, they are well to do..they can give your child this and that...you'll be on assistance what will you give them?

Often bmoms make a decision early on before the baby is even real to them yet.....once the baby is real they start gaining confidence.

Motherhood is like anything, we learn, we grow we get better at it.  Being uncertain at a scary time with all sorts of things being thrown at you, doesn't mean you'll be an indecisive parent.

Answer 2

Hi Kristy,  (Like your hat)

I didn't understand until i went thru a pregnancy, how hormonal you are.  Imagine pms like times 100.  I do worry that women right after birth aren't quite themselves and able to make such life changing decisions.

I'm sure not all pregnant women are the same.  I for one was a whirlwind of emotions and not very stable.  Hope i helped.

Answer 3

Do you really think there is any decision in life as huge as deciding the fate of your child? Trust me there isn't.  I have made more than my fair share of life choices and the only one I screwed up on was putting my son in foster care so that I could get treatment for an eating disorder.

I made about 90% of my amom's funeral arrangements myself, at 14.

I researched corticosteroid use in pregnant women and pre-term births in order to decide if the pros outweighed the cons when it became clear my son would deliver early.

I interviewed 7 pediatricians BEFORE his birth to ensure that I was comfortable with the team who would be providing his care.

I chose to breastfeed all of my children, giving them the best start possible.

I chose surgery to correct Placenta Accreta after my daughter's birth, I could have chosen pharmacuetical options that had a high risk of severe blood loss. The downside of surgery is I could have lost my uterus. The downside of bleeding out is possible death. I had about a half hour to decide. Talk about thinking under pressure.

I asked for assistance from an early childhood development specialist after the birth of my third child. There are severe behavioural problems in her Father's family and I wanted to have a large support system in place should she run into any problems. She has Sensory Integration issues and possible Autism Spectrum Disorder. Hindsight is 20/20 and two years ago my foresight was as well.

I sought out treatment for anorexia nervosa, myself, with NO support or assistance.

I made a very difficult choice to leave an abusive partner during my last pregnancy.

As you can see I made positive decisions both before and after placing my son in care. One s***w up doesn't change who you are. It means you goofed.

I feared telling the adoption agency I wouldn't be placing after seeing them when I was pregnant with my second child. I feared them enough that I refused to take any calls from them and sent the family profiles back by courier. I do not think my fear of people who were desperate to yank my child away in any way  shows me as unable to make major life decisions in relation to my child.

Answer 4

I understand what you are saying, but I believe the difference is that pregnancy and post-partum depression can have a huge impact on the way people think and the decisions they make.  In some cases, I think there are truly women who know that they do not want to parent and choose adoption and should be allowed to make an adoption plan pre-birth.  However, I think for those who are scared, confused, or just simply do not know what they want to do, pre-birth matching is a bad idea - for everyone involved.

Answer 5

i get your question.  but...to assume that you can infer all future parenting decisions based on one decision (which may or may not be based on pressure by outside entities, during a time a great physical, emotional and social stress) is a logical fallacy.

i personally made an adoption plan.  i believed that giving my child to strangers was best. i believed that i was not a good parent.  yet, at some point, i found the inner strength to stop the adoption. this was also during one of the most vulnerable, emotionally, physically and psychologically overwhelming times in my life.  i had constant pressure to place, yet i found the fortitude to say "no."  it's not easy...and sometimes, i wanted to simply throw up my hands and say, "ok, you win!...just leave me alone!"--thank God i had support.  that, i believe is the missing variable in your equation.

i was hounded, intimidated, threatened and told that i would be reported to CYS. i lived in fear that my son would be taken from me for the smallest little thing. i had nightmares of people coming into my room and snatching him out of the crib.  the adoption agency called the hospital and got personal information regarding my labor, delivery and  any counseling i received (pre-HIPAA, BTW). i was called daily, post-partum and told that i had caused the "parents a pain just as if their child died."  this went on until my father intervened.

so you see, it's not always as easy as "change mind." most adoption agencies are "prepped" for that; and have no problem pulling out the "heavy artillery" by telling a f-mom how much pain she will cause the aparents; that she can have an open adoption, et al.--after all, adoption agency revenue is based on completed adoptions.

so you see, it's not that easy.  and to assume that a woman who succumbs to pressure to place wasn't able to be a good mother is a bit unfair.

Answer 6

Don't all parents struggle with some major decisions?

Answer 7

By and large they will do just fine making decisions.  jm1970 explained the dynamic perfectly.  Sometimes, I think that the parents who know they will be facing challenges adapt to parenthood more easily than parents who "have it all".  I know lots of parents who are "comfortable" in life who are utter idiots at parenting and make terrible decisions for their children.  No one questioned their right to keep their children.