If a so-called "joke" is repeated alot, is it trust in hiding?

Question

My fiance (together 7 difficult years) claims he never cheated- yet jokes about it often. Jokes he likes chubby gals, yet I am not. Says (jokes) if I left him he'd die or stalk and kill me (ha ha) then says joking. Jokes about wanting to add a girl to our relationship-often. other things include not actual jokes but comments he retracts later- like not being "in-love" with me any longer, I am disgusting, I am gettng old and wrinkly....he later takes it back or half-heartedly apologizes. I am in depression, can no longer live normal or work. My life is worse now- could his "jokes" be the reason I feel so low. Are they truths thinly veiled. Is he here only for cheap rent? I pushed the wedding back so often I no longer even wear the ring, but fear ending our relationship outta guilt mostly, like I would be mean if I did that. We have nothing in common, are very different, I am a veg he is a meat eater, I am into reading and philosophy he is not, he won't talk to me when I am upset, tells me to get over it and that my problems are nothing. etc.... how could we get married? yet afraid to say bye.

Answer 1

he is weak, too weak to leave. your relationship is already over, love. he is emotionally abusing you. how can it be a "joke" when it hurts? who is laughing? the man who proposed to you? move on. do it fast before you can't emotionally do it. run with nothing, run with yourself. find someone who loves every wrinkle and discusses philosophy all day long w/you and makes you feel like the wonderful woman that i am sure you are.

Answer 2

I myself have been in a relationship where the guy jokes in a not so nice way, that was quite possibly the lowest point in my life. At this point, you realize its a problem, and you don't want to be with him, not really and the only thing that keeps you from kicking his sorry butt out is...as sick as this sounds...comfort. It's all you have known for a long time. That, and the constant guilt trips. Lots of people don't deal well with change. I certainly didn't. When I had finally had enough, I dumped him, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time. It was a huge weight off my shoulders.

After many years of grief (I had a daughter with him) I was in counseling and in all the talking I did, I identified that what he was doing was indeed, verbal abuse.

You are being abused, don't feel obligated to stick around! He says these things to you to get you to a low point. All of them do. They want you at your lowest so you'll feel as though you aren't good enough to leave them behind.

Trust me, I have been there. there is no reason for all the worry and guilt. You will feel so liberated when you are away from him.

Answer 3

Grab the bull(y) by the horns and loudly explain that you will not take it another day.  Not one.  Make it clear that it is now or never because your life is waiting.

Answer 4

Oh my. I'm afraid all the warning signs are there. Anyone who jokes around like this continually, is giving you subtle hints concerning his true thoughts. This is called a Freudian slip.  

"A Freudian slip, or parapraxis, is an error in speech, memory, or physical action that is believed to be caused by the unconscious mind.

Some errors, such as a man accidentally calling his wife by the name of another woman, seem to represent relatively clear cases of Freudian slips. In other cases, the error might appear to be trivial or bizarre, but may show some deeper meaning on analysis. As a common pun goes, "A Freudian slip is like saying one thing, but meaning your mother." A Freudian slip is not limited to a slip of the tongue, or to sexual desires. It can extend to our word perception where we might read a word incorrectly because of our fixations. It is important to note that these slips are semi-conscious. This is to say that these thoughts are consciously repressed and then unconsciously released. This is unlike true Freudian repression, which is the unconscious act of making something conscious."

I'm sorry, but your relationship with this "joker" seems like it's destined for failure.  I find it saddening all the things he has said to you.  You deserve someone with decency. Get him, or yourself out pronto.

Answer 5

I will scream if I see this same question from you,

"my fiance (together 14 difficult years) claims....blah blah blah

Answer 6

if a man tells a woman that she is old and wrinkly how can that be a joke? it is an insult. and yes, sounds like that b*****d is there for the cheap rent and no dear, u re afraid to say him bye not out of guilt but because thanks to his "jokes" your self esteem is so low u re afraid u will stay alone till the rest of your life and he is still better than nothing. and how can he be your fiance for 7 years? u should have been married at least for 5 years and have 3 kids at least. he is a waste of time. and joking about cheating? phleeease. he was checking your reaction and seeing whether he might get permission from u.  

Answer 7

Somebody told me once there is a bit of truth to every joke (not that I'm saying you are old and wrinkly!).  He is using those 'jokes' to communicate with you, and have a dig at you at your expense.  I'm not surprised you are feeling depressed and they ebb away at your self esteem.

Make a 'joke' back to him and say, 'I only like guys with big dicks' and stuff like that, and see what type of reaction you get.  If he gets angry and hurt, you know that his jokes towards you are really meant to hurt you.  People who hurt others with their jokes can dish it out, but they certainly can't take it back!

If he laughs it off and doesn't worry about it, then you can see that he's not out to hurt you, just being a bit insensitive.

If you are not happy together, don't get married.  You probably are afraid to say bye because you feel like you can't get anyone else, afraid to be alone, or you don't deserve anyone better.  None of that is true!

Answer 8

If the jokes are getting to you, tell him to shut the **** up.

Also, eat meat you ******, We're not herbivores.

Answer 9

Well, you need to talk to him about this and clearly tell him that it is upsetting you. It is okay to joke around once in a while, but some of the things he says sound really creepy!!

I think that you could be right, but you could also be wrong about his jokes also. He may not be trying to tell you a truth he could really be joking, but it is a little weird to me.

As far as the other differences go....I dont think that what you two eat should really get in the way of a marriage, however it wont make it easy either. Of course it would be easier to marry someone who was also a "veg". But, do what your heart tells you to do. If you dont love this guy than get rid of him. You do not need to be depressed over someone you havent even married yet!