If adoption is an overall "win win" situation?

Question

why isn't everyone having a child and giving him/her up for adoption?

Answer 1

Eureka! Gersh, you've found the answer!  Yes, if everyone gives up their children for adoption, everyone else can adopt each other's children.  Of course, you have to just make sure you don't know the birth parents of the one(s) you're adopting.  Then EVERYONE can win-win-win BIG!  You are a genius, Gersh.  Thank you, thank you so much!

(hee hee)

ETA:

Okay, I guess I can be serious for a moment here.  Let's face it.  It's normal for people to raise their own children.  That's why in the vast majority of cases that is what people do.  The idea that we can just swap children around and call it a win is ridiculous.  Even when children are taken due to abuse and placed in a great home, it's still not a win.  There is loss, there was abuse. The new good home does not negate the past and the loss.  It doesn't make it go away.  It may help ease the way, but it doesn't erase anything.

I still love this question, Gersh.  :-)

Answer 2

This is a black and white example and I know you understand it is a huge gray area.  While some situations are win-win (ie the bmom who lives with her parents, has other kids already and cannot possibly care for another because she barely makes enough to feed the ones she has), there are lose-lose situations too (the bmom who was coerced by an agency).

So since adoption cannot be summed up by a simple win-win or lose-lose, everyone is not rushing to their nearest lawyer or agency to place their child for adoption.

Answer 3

Lol I dont get it ?

People dont purposefully have a child to give it up for adoption, only those that find themselves accidentally pregnant and go *woops* should have used Birth control

Most people who are in a loving stable relationship that Decide to have a baby together do not then give it away.

Adoption is NEVER A win win for the adoptee or the Birth Mother Or in fact the Adoptive Parents

NEVER

Answer 4

Someone always will suffer.  It might be the natural mother, it might be the adoptive parents, it might be the adoptee.  It can never truly be a "win win" situation.

Answer 5

Adoption workers are desperately trying to sell adoption as "win-win" because they have customers with cash in their pockets to buy babies and a dwindling number of babies being put on the market.  If the middle-man brokers can't find babies to sell, they will be out of business.  In the US, less than 1% of unmarried women choose adoption as a solution to unplanned pregnancies.  Most women (and many men) are not fooled by the fancy advertising about adoption being the "loving alternative to parenting" (yes, there is an agency that actually claims this on their WEB site!!).

Why isn't everyone having a child to give up for adoption?  Because we bond with our children before they are born.  Our children bond with us before they are born.  It defies nature to break that bond.  We are wired to parent, otherwise, the relatively frail human race would have never survived.

Answer 6

mine was a win/win, but as we all know, that is not the case. before i came here to y!a i had those same delusions. i had it good so i guess everyone else did too.

how wrong i was.

the ideals that it is always a win is naive. its for people that cant or wont see the root of the problem. you and the others have taught me that.

i now see what can happen, and what does happen. i still am a firm believer that it can be a better life for the child and all involved, but not always. it can provide love, support and stability where it would not be otherwise. but it can also fuel abuse, instability and loss.

i dont have all the answers. i dont know why i was a success story and others are not.

i do know that much is needed to be done, and even though the reasons reform is needed dont apply to me personally, i will join the fight to help.

Answer 7

Because some people want their baby and if to many people did that their would be to many foster babys. But I think it is good if some one gives their baby up for adoption instead of getting an abortion because abortion is murder!

Answer 8

It's NOT a "win win".  No one ever said it is.

It is, however, the best choice for those who choose it.  At least they believe it's the best choice.  I'll go to my grave believing it was the best choice for me.  

It's stupid to say I "won", because I didn't.   It wasn't a game.

Answer 9

NO, it isn't and people that say it is are stomping on the feelings of some birth mothers and adoptive children. There is a loss, from the birth mothers point of view and from adoptive children's point of view. There is no win/win because like a poster said you can't go back and earse the past as to why the child was given up or taken away. For those of you who are saying adoption is a win/win you are basically being demeaning to all who are involved in the adoption.

Answer 10

ha ha... i thought the same thing.

especially when i hear about amoms who adopt and then "voila!",  become pregnant.  hey, i say, "pay it forward!"  if adoption is so loving...then why not give up their kid to a couple who wants to parent...

but i guess only THOSE women should give up their kids...

ETA: oh, BTW, greater than 2/3 of pregnancies are unplanned...including those in "loving relationships!"  so the idea that pregnancies occur among irresponsible young single women is a logical fallacy...especially when approx. 30% of abortion are among MARRIED WOMEN. in other words, many pregnancies (single, married, et al) were unplanned. so, i agree with gershom.  if unplanned pregnancy is a reason for adoption, then why not relinquish all unplanned pregnancies?

Answer 11

Adoption isnt all win win, but its not all doom and gloom either.

Its the people who make it illegal that give it the bad name. There is actually nice people out their who generally want to adopt.

I dont think that there will ever be an end to the amount of contraversy in adoption. Adoption is different everywhere you go so it good to remember that too.

Its also good to remember that despite our different adoption stories, we are all pretty much in the same boat, but we all have different feelings toward our very different experiences.

Our opinions are just our way of venting out about our adoption.

Keep an open mind with adoption.

Answer 12

I do not think anybody should do this, because first there are 6.5 billion people here on earth and increasing everyday so our earth's resource are dwindling down slowly and having kids so you can give up for adoption is not helping. And their are already millions of babies who are waiting to be adopted so why not help out the already living instead of creating more than enough. Every 3.6 seconds, a child in the world dies from starvation, so help them out first before bringing in new babies.

Answer 13

It's not even a win-win situation in the case of abuse.  Yes, the child gets a new home/family that is (hopefully) not abusive, and the parents will have a child.  But there's so much more negative.  I mean, the child still lost parents, even if they were sick; they still have to wonder why they weren't good enough - why Mom and Dad didn't get help; and they are still in someone else's family.  Some kids will adjust a lot better than others, granted, but it's not a win-win by any stretch of the imagination.  I guess, in most cases, it's the least of the two evils...but sometimes, the child ends up in an even worse home, so who's to say?

Answer 14

HOLD ON! Adoption is not a "win win" Situation. Not the way you're saying.....That is NOT how it is meant to be. In fact the # 1 thing a Foster parent is instructed on upon becoming a foster parent is that Our job is to take care of the children while family REUNIFICATION is sought. A child staying with its bio family is the ultimate goal.  Unfortuatly their are WAY too many people having babies they can't & don't want to take care of. They are selfish, usually addicted to alcohol or drugs, refuse to use Birth control, and don't give a darn who they are hurting, and in most cases don't want to change.  So the state has to step in & say YOU CAN'T physically, mentally or emotionally abuse your children! It's NOT OK! They take away the kids, they go into foster care, and then the social workers & state "try" to "fix" these parents, so they can take care of their kids right and get them back. BUT in 70% or more of the cases, the parents don't care, and never complete their required programs & just stop visiting, and the parents rights are terminated. Then the children go up for adoption. Thats when adoption can become a "win Win". If their is a person wanting a child, and their is a child wanting a family either from an orphanage or fostercare, and they are able to be placed together, then it becomes a win, win. A child desperately needs love & attention and stability & security. The  sooner they get that the better. And when their is someone willing to give that its great.  And its sad that some are not able to have their own bio babies, and are able to have this option. But its also sad why most of these babies are being put up in the 1st place.

Answer 15

Nobody's getting my kids!  Never not ever.

I wouldn't care if there were a million bajillion people who wanted a child and couldn't have one, it doesn't make my kids fair game.

But I'm exempt anyway seeing as I'm happily married.  Isn't that the way it works?

Answer 16

that would be confusing if everyone gave there baby up...

and adoption isn't win win... sometimes it's for the best but not always.. and the are abusive adoptive homes

Answer 17

What?

Answer 18

Well, now, isn't that silly. It only works in an unwanted pregnancy.  Most pregnancies are not unwanted.  Some are a surprise but definitely not unwanted.

I think it depends on the attitudes of those involved. It is a win-win situation when there is an unwanted pregnancy and the birthmom willingly relinquishes the child and the adoptive parents willingly  adopt the child.  There is a win-win-win situation when the child grows up happy and well adjusted and doesn't feel anger at the other parties involved  as is the case MOST of the time.  Even on this forum, most adoptees say they are happy they were adopted as opposed to the "other options".  Let's not open that can of worms again. Yeah, it's an attitude thing.

Answer 19

I can think of very few situations AT ALL that are win-win, let alone adoption.

I understand what you're saying, Gershom, but it isn't always a bad thing. Aren't you an advocate of adoption from foster care? Although I'm sure my son's first mother felt/feels loss because she does not have any of her children in her care, I know for a fact that at least one of the children (the one I adopted) is better off in an adoptive home. He doesn't have a pony or a pool -- it isn't about money. In fact, I'm a divorced parent and I wasn't when I started the adoption process, so I have less money now than when we first brought our son home. Will/does my son experience feelings of loss? Yes! Of course! But overall he has 'won' because he is loved AND well-cared for...something his first mother couldn't provide. (The well-cared-for part. Not the love. I'm sure she loves him still.) So I guess our situation could be described as (in this order -- first mother/adopted child/adoptive mother):

lose/lose-win/win.

Answer 20

Yes!  After all there are studies in magazines that prove adopted kids are well adjusted and do better right?  

Quick, I want that for my kids, I'm sure they'll be so grateful if Mommy disappears because Mommy loves them so much she wants them to have a 'better life'  

Oh, just told them and they are NOT happy, they just want Mommy - how can they be so ungrateful.  If a social worker AND a 'magazine' says it's better for kids not to stay with their natural parents, then really, they've got to go!

Answer 21

I'm sure I don't know either, Gershom.  It's the loving option!  It's the best thing you can do for your child!  Right?

Right?