If an adoptee grows up with the ?

Question

terminology "real mother" or "real parents" being used by the aparents, is that considered "hate terminology"?

Answer 1

Honestly, I think people who use the term 'real' parents don't do it out of hate but out of ignorance.

We have always used the term 'biological mom".   Now I will say the only time I used the term 'real' was when I was growing up & people would make an ignorant comment about myself & my blonde-haired, blue-eyed mother...in which I would sarcastically and proudly state that "YES, she is my REAL mom."

Answer 2

Depends on the context its used.  My daughter is adopted, and I do not use the 'real parents' term.  I refer to them as her biological parents.  

In my opinion, calling her bio parents her 'real parents' means that somehow I am not her actual mom...which I am.  i did not give birth to her, but am her mom in every other sense of the word

Answer 3

My adopted children, have always said that I am their real mom, and I have never prompted them.  So you are saying that because they consider me their real mom, that they hate their birth mom?  This is not so.  As a matter of fact, I am adopted also, and I have always considered the parents that I grew up with my real parents, however, we love our birth moms for choosing life, and realizing that they , for whatever reason could not raise us.  They were all unselfish, and I love them all very much, and we keep in touch with our son's birth mom.  Being a"real parent" does not negate the truth that I did not give birth to my 2 children.

Answer 4

It depends on whose mouth its coming out of, what type of relationship they have and the context its used in.

You're right I misread it. Sorry about that.

In my mind it will always come down to what the adoptee is comfortable with.  They are the ones that have been uplifted from their birthright.

There are women that can use the words "real mom" to soften up the situation and others that say it to maliciously hurt the a-child.

Answer 5

As a birth mother the Adoptive mother is the Real Mother.  This good woman was there for our son and as far as I am concerned She is the Real Mom.  Our child is 28 and we had an open adoption through our church.  I am his Auntie.  I am grateful to my adoptive family.  everyone is different.  I am now a step mom and we all love our children.

Answer 6

Well, OBVIOUSLY your adoptive parents hate themselves if they're using hateful language like THAT. *please note the sarcasm*

Answer 7

Of course not.  There is nothing hateful in acknowledging that both sets of parents are real, despite having different roles.  Some people do feel threatened by it, but that doesn't make it "hate terminology."

Answer 8

Only by people in denial......

(which there are a few here)

Answer 9

Well, it doesn't sound like any hate is intended. (I assume they're using "real" to refer to the biological family?)

I don't think it's the most accurate thing to say-- both biological and adoptive parents are "real"-- and it wouldn't be my preference for a term to use, but it doesn't sound malicious, just ill-informed.

Answer 10

Well yes, it is. It's also terribly sad and explains a lot about your attitude. Even if your parents agency did not take the time to educate them, they were using language that was considered grossly inappropriate even before our culture started to really frown upon verbal slurs.

But we all grow up hearing some sort of language that is or becomes inappropriate and we either decide to correct it or embrace it.

Embracing the term 'real mother' to refer to a birthmother is either fiction or a spectacular example of self-loathing.

Answer 11

I grew up using the term real mother and real father, I always thought it was normal. It wasn't until I adopted my children and started talking to other adoptive parents that I realized people found it offensive. For my kids I just call their other parents their other parents or their mother and father in China. I've never said it with any malice.  

Answer 12

Of course not, it's a very honest recognition of the women (mother) that carried and gave birth to the child.....after I saw that post from SS today, I checked on some sites and read a very accurate statement: a woman that delivers a stillborn child still deserves to be called a mother even though she no longer has a child to take care of (the same can be said for the nmother)

Answer 13

I've called my adoptive parents my real parents since I was about 12 and not because they ask me to but it's because that's who I consider them.  I call my birthparents my biological parents I guess because that's what my adoptive parents call them.  I don't consider any of it hate language.  

Answer 14

I don’t think so if a child’s parents want to refer to their biological parents as “Real” Parents  then that is their choice. Mine always just refer to her as my birthmother. I just always refer to my parents as Pa and Mom. The only time I have used “Real” parents is the few times (only 1 or 3 times) someone has referred to my biological parents as my “real” parents. I just simple corrected them that though I have biological parents they are not my parents in the true sense and that the ones who raised me are my true real parents.