If an adoptee is supposed to be "grateful"?

Question

for their become adoption, why aren't infertile ap's supposed to be grateful for the circumstance that lead to adopting?

Answer 1

I think most AP's are grateful, and they should be. Being grateful is a good thing.  It means appreciating what you have been given.  It doesn't have anything to do with what you have lost or don't have.

I know many AP's (including my own mom) and none feel a sense of entitlement in regards to parenting.  All are very appreciative and feel thankful for their kids.

Answer 2

I agree with BDP Wife. I had a bad experience as an adoptee but I wasn't wanted by my birth mom either. But I'm glad that at least someone wanted me enough and at the be gaining loved me enough to adopt a child that was mentally, physically, and emotionally torn about it all.

Answer 3

As an adoptive parent i am not grateful.  I am thankful.  

I worked through my issues with my infertility.  Wanting to be a parent, and be a positive influence in a child's life is what lead me to adoption.  Not infertility.  The infertility only simply dictated how i was to go about being a parent.

I don't expect my child to be grateful she was adopted.  Matter of fact i don't ever expect her to be grateful about anything she has no choice in.  But i hope i can teach her to be confident in the choices she makes in her life.  And i will always be thankful if i am there to support her in those choices.

But to suggest that because someone feels a certain way then other's must feel another way also is absurd.  You feel what you feel.  If you allow another person to tell you how to feel that's on you.  You are the one allowing another person's opinions and feelings to be more important than your own.

Answer 4

I certainly do not think an adoptee must be "grateful". Look it is true that somehow someway in their heart an adoptee must feel somewhat grateful that they may have escaped a truly awful life. Now I am not talking about those people who had a horrible life ( adopted or not a horrible life is always bad). I am talking about those who had a decent life. Maybe in their heart they feel somewhat grateful but........I don't think they "have" to feel that way.

Someone on here said that the child may feel unwanted but the adoptive parents "wanted" them very badly - they were wanted not by the biologic parents but by the adoptive parents.

Answer 5

Don't you know, they ARE. Because God gave them the blessing of infertility so that they could be LED to adoption so that WE could be grateful.

Its all Gods plan until the adoptee stops playing the make believe games and thinking for his/herself.

This is a definite thumb downer.... lets start counting them as they come shall we?

Answer 6

Am I grateful that I am infertile?  No, I would not necessarily say that I am "grateful".  However, do I think that there was a reason that I could not conceive a child?  Yes.  I do believe that.  But that is just my own opinion on the subject.  

Do I expect my son to be grateful?  No - not for being an adopted child.  I expect him to be grateful as a human in the respect that I would want any child to be grateful that they have a "good life" and not living in some war-torn country, etc.  I want him to learn the value of life and the value of appreciating things you have.  If that means I want him to be "grateful", then I guess I do.  But not in the sense that he should be grateful because he was adopted.  

This is one AP who does not feel that every Adoptee should be categorized as "angry" or "ungrateful".  I think that everyone has a different take on things based on their own situation and that should be respected.  But in the same breath, I don't want to be lumped into the category of "all infertile APs" either.  Our situation was different and my beliefs are different about things. That doesn't make our story any less right or wrong than another.

Answer 7

I'm grateful for a lot of things in my life. Adopting my daughter is one of them.

My adopted daughter is also grateful for many things in her life but feeling grateful for being adopted is not one of them.

Answer 8

A parent should be gratefully for any children they have ; adopted or biological.

Answer 9

As an adoptive parent (we also have biological children) i've learned to love all my children as my own - i don't announce that my children as the adopted or biological. The only thing my children should be grateful for is they are family though it is tough for them to know they have other parents. I came from a large family and that is why we adopted.  Our family is blessed.

Answer 10

Here we go AGAIN......

First, not all adoptive parents adopt due to infertility.  There are other VALID reasons.  

Secondly, There is a fine line between "grateful" and "thankful".  I think "thankful" is a better word.  I think that everyone--parents, adoptive or biological, AND children--adoptive or biological, should be taught to be thankful for what they have.  We thank God daily for our blessings.  Sometimes people are not thankful or taught to be thankful for their blessings-- that may explain a lot of the negative comments on this forum.  We are thankful for our parents, our family, our home, our food, our jobs, and EVERYTHING we are blessed with in this life.

So, should adoptive parents be thankful for the reasons that made adoption necessary?  YES--if things were different, then I wouldn't have had the blessings that came with raising my daughter.  

Should adoptees be thankful that they are adopted?  YES, they should be thankful for their blessings--as ALL children should be whether they are adopted or biological.

Answer 11

I'm in a unique position in that my wife and I have done both.  We have a biological child and we have adopted twice (with one more expected by the end of the year).  I like to hope that all of my children are grateful to be a part of our family and I know that my wife and I are grateful to have them, adopted, natural or otherwise (foster care).

Answer 12

"but to be unwanted and handed to strangers?"

"they were wanted not by the biologic parents but by the adoptive parents."

Here we go again.  WTF?  Why do people INSIST that adoptees are "unwanted"?  Seriously!? Must you continue to perpetuate this freakin' myth?  And if so, WHY?  

Do you have any idea how cruel this comment is?  Do  you realize how damaging it is to keep repeating it?  I grew up believing I was "unwanted".  Adopted by a mom who RELUCTANTLY agreed to my adoption, then took her bitterness out on me.  Yes...I guess I should be grateful that I was taken from my first mom who loved me & wanted me, but lost me to foster/adoption b/c she was poor (before welfare was available) & abandoned by her husband.  

Grateful that I will forever feel the sting of being "unwanted" because I had it HAMMERED into my head by unthinking people like those here who continue to say this stupid $#!%. Because even though I found out I WAS wanted, by then, the damage was done. You can't unring that bell.  

Grateful, I suppose that my adoptive parents were somewhat better off financially than my first mom.  'Course, I paid a high price for the few extras I had growing up.  I paid with my bones & my flesh.  And yes, my adoptive parents did tell me I was "ungrateful".

Most children who are relinquished for adoption are wanted by their moms, sometimes even by their dads.  But because of a variety of circumstances, the parent(s) feel unready or unprepared to parent their child.  Too young, not enough financial support, no family support, fear of not being a good enough parent, etc. That does NOT mean their children are "unwanted".   "Unplanned" does not automatically mean "unwanted".  

MANY adoptees who've found their first parents discovered that their parents didn't want to relinquish.  Even kids in foster care whose parent are unable or unfit to parent most often fit to keep their children.  They may not be able to kick a drug habit, or alcohol, or whatever life circumstance led them to loose their child(ren).  Even BAD parents want their kids.

Why does this question need to be asked repeatedly?  

Because people continue to tell adoptees "you should just be grateful you weren't aborted!"  Why do people continue to say this repeatedly?  

And what about the embryos that are being donated?  One day will their parents tell them they should be grateful that they weren't destroyed?  Over a million embryos are destroyed each year.  How is that different from abortion, anyway?  Oh, but that's another question...

Answer 13

No one ever said an adoptee should be grateful.  I don't know one adoptive couple that feels this way.  Most of us are grateful because we are allowed to adopt.  Please stop projecting inaccurate feelings on us.  We, too, are a member of this triad, and we are not criminals, evil, or baby-snatchers.  Get over yourself.

Answer 14

Parents who adopt probably should be grateful .... but I'm not sure adoptee's really should be grateful ... yea it's great to not have been aborted, but to be unwanted and handed to strangers ?

Answer 15

Oh, yeah!  I'm so grateful that I had to wait 5 years to adopt a baby, which never happened, and then chose to become a foster parent.  Then another 3 years before we could actually call our foster daughter our legal daughter.  All during the foster care time, she FELT like our daughter, but we had absolutely NO rights.  NONE.  No assurance that we would not lose her as suddenly as we found her.  

So, should my daughter be grateful?  Sure!  Grateful that her mom had such a hard life herself that she didn't know how to keep her safe.  Grateful that she was taken from her mom at 13 months old, and placed with strangers--not once but a total of 4 times.  Grateful that she feels like she isn't good enough because she's adopted (and she wasn't good enough for her first mom to keep, or 3 other moms!).  Grateful that she's different and feels adopted every day of her life.  Grateful that she has to try to imagine what her mom looks like, because she doesn't remember and only has a few snapshots.  She never even met her dad, and has one snapshot of  him.  

So, NO.  adoptees should not be told that they should feel grateful.  The should not FEEL anything but what they feel.  Adoption stinks, even under the best of circumstances.  

All I want my daughter to feel is loved.  That's it.  Just loved.  I want her to feel loved and loveable, and I want her to love herself.  That's not so easy when you're adopted.

Answer 16

How many times does the same Q need to be answered...?

Who ever has told you to feel Grateful has a problem...Why do you insist on the Over Generalized Statements implying that Adoptees are supposed to be Grateful?

And Frankly as a Parent I have always been Grateful for the opportunity to be a Parent but that doesn't apply to Adoption I have four children and I am grateful to all!

............anyway......... This is another example of a loaded Question with over Generalizations written for the purpose of baiting another bunch of gullable APs into becoming Defensive and Kissing the behinds of Angry Ungrateful Children who should really just grow up by now.....