If an international adoptee (child) is resistant to all efforts by the APs to be connected to their culture...

Question

What should the APs do? Should the APs force the issue: send their child to language classes with the same expectations of any other schooling? What should the APs do if the child has emotional trauma connected with their home country and pushing a connection to culture is distressing?

How much is too much? Or is there no such thing as too much?

Answer 1

of course each situation has its differences. But I think this example shows some really important issues that can come up in adoption. Children who reject their culture because they're feeling rejected shouldn't be forced to learn their native language, but should definitely, in my opinion, be getting some type of support system to help them through their rejection.

That is HUGE when someone rejects their entire culture. It makes me wonder how they're being raised, how much adoption is being talked about in their family, what their reasons behind surrender and separation were and how long they were in care between surrender and adoption among other things.

Yes, forcing it onto a child would be too much and the focus should be more on why they're rejecting their culture and rejecting such a huge part of them in my opinion.

Answer 2

Do what many families do with a biological child...take them back to their native country every 2 years for about a month. Live in the culture and not be a tourist. Speak to them in their native language at home and they'll speak english at school. All the people that I know come across problems from time to time but they get creative because "its important that their heritage is maintained".

Do what Europeans do to make their kids learn English. Mandate it.

If a child is having problems with emotional trauma which should be expected for most adoptees at one point or another bring in a therapist. They will need to talk to someone other than the Ap or a-family to be able to honestly express how they feel.

Ap's shouldn't expect them to tough it out, forget it or worse suppress it and pretend it doesn't exist. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the problem to begin with.

Comparing "playing the piano" to being able to "communicate with your mother" is one of the biggest insults projected at IA adoptees I've read on this board. Unbelievable.  

Maybe it would motivate them if you told them its important to learn because you may want to meet your mother one day. I suppose that would be too much for some Aps to swallow.

Answer 3

I don't think they would be resistant if you just make it part of everyday life.  You can cook dishes from that country and just call it dinner instead of making a big deal about the origins of that dish.  You can read books related to their country of origin and just read bit like the usual bed-time story without making a big deal of the meaning behind the book.

You don't have to cram their language down their throats, but you could start off saying good morning and good night in their original language.  My kids find it a hoot to call their body parts and bodily functions in our original language.

A lot of my cousins that have moved away from our country of origin have lost our language mainly because they just want to talk like their peers.  Children do not appreciate how important knowing another language is or how beneficial it might be in their future.  All they care about is now, so of course they are going to be resistant, but you can be clever about how you incorporate their culture into their lives.

Seriously pushing a kid to do anything he/she doesnt like is distressing for them, so find a way that isnt pushy and find a way to turn their culture into a positive thing rather than something that reminds them of a bad memory.

Start with little and build it up.  I think visits to their country of origin is also important and ensure that this time it is a positive experience for them.

Seriously, your children will appreciate it when they become adults and realise the importance of it all.

Answer 4

I believe as a parent, particularly an adoptive parent, I have a responsibility to weave their original culture into their everyday life, even if that seems unimportant to them at the time. Parents make decisions for their children and hubby and I really believe it's in baby girl's best interests to learn Mandarin... not just because she's Chinese, but because one day she may wish to attempt to find her first parents (which will be hard enough even without the language barrier) or even go to school, live or work there... all the things she may never have envisioned when she was a child. And let's face it, learning another language is only an asset.

Of course, once she becomes a teenager and can give us some well thougt out reasons why she does not wish to continue with this, then we will consider it.

I also sometimes worry about how much is too much, but I do not see the downside to learning another language. And I don't consider: it's boring, or I want to hang out at the mall as an acceptable answer. They may also say they don't want to do it because they want to be like everyone else, well, my neighbours kids go to Greek school on the weekends and another friend (who is Japanese) is taking night classes to learn his first language and he tells us constantly about how he wished his parents had forced the issue.

Parenting sure isn't easy!!!!

Great question, Jennifer!!!

Answer 5

Good question.. I tried to answer School Nurse's Q on the same topic, but I keep gettng the "Taking a breather" message when I submit.. same here. I was thinking it was too long. So I'll try again, this time shorter

As a non-adoptee I had to think about these questions and try to find something to compare it to.. I guess I'll compare it to my mother and piano.

It was my idea to take piano. I was 10. But truth be told, I was a lazy kid, with not a high attention span. Mom did her best to encourage me, to make me practice and keep it up when I wanted to drop. This went on for 6 years.  Finally, school and other things in my life were so stressful when I was 16, that I asked again to drop and she reluctantly agreed, based on the circumstanses at the time. She felt forced to let me quit. NOT letting me quit would have been just "mean"  based on what I was going through at the time.

So, I took for 6 years. But my effort was minimal, my enthusiasm was less...and guess what? Despite my mom's best efforts, I now can proudly say that

I suck at piano.. LOL

I can play a couple pieces (chariots of fire, etc) that are such simple arrangments as to probably qualify as piano year 3.. I can play one page of my favorite Chopin Nocturne (E minor) that I did "want" to learn badly enough to put some effort into.. IMO I could have done aLOT better with 6 years of piano if I had have TRIED a little harder. Mom did what she could.  

I feel that, for MY circumstanse, it would be HORRIBLY pathetic of me to blame mom for my lack of skill in piano.

There are a few things (dancing, other instruments) that, at times I "wished" she'd started me on lessons when I was young and fresh. But looking back at how immature I was (at the prime age for starting those arts).. I probably wouldn't have put much more effort into MOST of them than I did into piano..

So I don't blame mom that I'm not a star ballerina, either.. even though she never so much as suggested ballet lessons..

So while I'm sure that alot of APs COULD be doing more to help/encourage their child to learn their native culture/language

the fact is that yes, the younger a child is, the easier it is for them to learn a language.

But the child has to CARE.. they have to TRY, or as my experience proves, it won't do much in the end.

And the fact is.. most 5-14 year olds only care about the language their friends are speaking..

ETA: Gersh (Thomas ATwood)  Maybe they're "rejecting" a culture because they don't see it as their culture.. Shoot, I have about 20 different "Cultures" in my DNA and blood, some of them as "exotic" as Sweedish!! LOL.. But I don't consider myself Sweedish.. or French, culturewise.. I'm an American.. My native language is English, and guess what? It's not because my ancestors were all from England. (They're not) It's because I grew up speaking English from year 1.5.  I don't think my mindset would be very diff if I had 100% Japanese DNA but had grown up in America, as an American with American culture..

Answer 6

All a parent can do is encourage and integrate other cultures into the entire family dynamic. Kids will pick up on whatever the parents consider and demonstrate as normal.

There are always things we'd "like" our children to do. But as we all learn very quickly, we can't "force" them to do something their not interested in. Kids just want to be kids.

Often times it not until adolescence or adulthood they can expand on what's really important to them. At which time they can pursue themselves.

In the meantime parents can be resourceful and supportive.

Answer 7

Avarae, not to make you feel like I'm picking on you or anything, but I'd just thought I'd clarify some things.

[Good grief, there are immigrants who do not even teach their biological children their native language if the child is raised in the states.]

They don't necessarily need to "teach" anything specific; they speak it to each other at home and the child doesn't want to stick around to "absorb" the language. A lot of the immigrant parents who come from China, for example, DO speak Mandarin or Cantonese at home and their children retain bits and pieces just because they're AT home - but they don't always want to learn because they are surrounded by English outside of the home.

The parents don't need to teach their original tongue - it's part of the home environment. It's what they naturally feel like speaking in their comfort zone. What the child learns - is clearly up to the child.

[If the child does not want to learn then so be it move on.]

I partially agree because I know where this perspective is coming from and I disagree because in hindsight, it would have helped me a lot more.

As a kid, they don't want to learn. They want to play, hang out with friends and BE a kid. My mom forced me to go to Chinese classes for 3 hours once a week when I was about eight. Did I like it? No, of course not. Do I wish I had tried harder, knowing where I am in reunion today? Definitely.

IMO, aparents need to keep trying. They do NOT need to shove language classes down the child's throat - that will just seem like "work" to the child. But they should encourage their child maybe once a week and KEEP TRYING to get their child interested - even just a little bit helps.

Obviously there may come a point when the child just says "NO I DO NOT WANT TO LEARN" and you know what? That's fine.

But keep trying. They don't have to "pester" their child, but just keep gently prodding every once in a while to see if their child gains any interest. And of course, being in a white-dominated community does not encourage the child to feel as though it is important.

[If biological parents don't always teach their cultures why should adopted ones.]

See my first paragraph. Biological parents don't need to actually directly "teaching" in order for their children to pick up bits of the culture.

[Melting pot people, we live in a melting pot.]

Close, but not completely. :)

Answer 8

I would not force anything upon a child, adopted or not. But if I had adopted from another country I would do my best to help the child learn their own culture. I would try to make it a part of their life from day 1. This would probably mean learning the language, or at least some basic words. Maybe you could get a CD of some native songs? Maybe, if at all possible, a couple trips back to their home country. In certain cases like yours, I would not force the child to learn their culture, but maybe bring them to counseling and wait until they start researching their country on their own. IMHO I would not force culture on your child. Hope this helps.

Answer 9

Good grief, there are immegrants who do not even teach their biological children their native language if the child is raised in the states.  If the child does not want to learn then so be it move on.  If biological parents don't always teach their cultures why should adopted ones.  Melting pot people, we live in a melting pot.

Answer 10

Well, since I suspect that it was my three answers to the three similar questions that were posted earlier about "forcing" or "making" a child connect with their birth country (why do we have a lack of original questions lately?) I may as well jump in with my opinion on this subject.

If the child resists or does not show an interest in language classes or cultural classes pertaining to their country of birth then my personal feeling is to leave it alone.  If the child is "emotionally traumatized" already (as many people here seem to think any and all adopted children MUST be to begin with just because they were adopted) then forcing them to do any of this will only make it worse.  If they are not traumatized but (surprise) are just not interested then there is no need to push it.  

I think anything beyond making the suggestion/offer to a child is too much.  I can't imagine being forced to take language classes for a language I would never use, have either never heard in years (if adopted as an older child) or never heard that I can remember (if adopted as an infant).  If we are talking about an older child who was already established in that language at the time of adoption then they should be more concerned with learning english, french, spanish...what ever is appropriate based upon where they now live.  If they want to take something to maintain their native language or share classes in their native language with their new parents then that's great but it should never be forced.

I was raised Christian.  My oldest daughter was born of Muslim bio parents in a predominantly Hindu country.  What religion do I bring her up in when all she has ever known is Christianity?  If she ever wanted to convert I'd support her but to make her convert "just because" she started out as something else is not right.  

Depending upon the age of the child, make the suggestion, show support and if it's appropriate offer to share in the experience with them but I'd never force the issue.  

Answer 11

There's an old saying: "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".

All you can do is encourage the child but if they don't want to or like it, there's really not much you can do.

In real life, you have to pick your battles with your kids. You can't push them about everything. People who are parents will understand this better, others may not..