If anyone could do me the huge favor of reading my VERY short prologue...?

Question

It doesn't take a lot of reading, and you don't have to be published to give me advice. I just want your honest opinions. Please answer?

http://future-author1.livejournal.com/577.html

Oh, and ignore the length. I know it's short.

Answer 1

Sounds interesting. You write dialogue well. Your book sounds like a winner.

I agree with s**y Sadie on "scrunched" and "crossing guard" but respectfully differ on the value of the first three lines. They paint a valuable picture.

There are words that need work in those lines, though.

"as if frightened lest someone find them". Was he frightened, or not? And was that fear related to being found? It leaves doubt about his real emotions. I would suggest you get inside his head, and discover the real reason why he is nervous.

"..fearful of discovery" is clearer.

"..wondering again if it was securely locked."

"..praying silently that the corridor outside was still empty"

..and so on.

The last line is an important one. It's the hook that you want to sink into your reader. In this line: "The woman was the last to walk through the pool, and it vanished after her." I would first of all take out the words 'the pool'. They're not needed.

Then I would insert some more atmosphere. What was the expression on her face as she stepped through? Was she smiling? Tight lipped? Looking back over her shoulder? We need to know if she wanted to walk through, or not.

Then, how did the pool vanish? Noiselessly? Suddenly? Slowly? With a rush of wind? Did it dissolve, or shut with a bang? Did it change colour?

Answer these questions, and you'll have your reader begging for more.

Excellent work.

Answer 2

I think it's brilliant!

It's one of those prologues where you don't know what their talking about, but as you read you begin to know why now.

I think you could go a long way with this

Keep up the good work!

Answer 3

im not published or qualified or anything but i think its really good !! I'd read it.

Answer 4

I thought it was very good! You should definitly keep writing :)

xxxx

Answer 5

After reading the entire prologue, yes, it is interesting.

However, I would cut out the first three sentences.  It does nothing to grab the reader's attention.

Also, cut out 'as a crossing guard would signify 'stop'.'  That is redundant.  And using the word 'scrunched' is rather juvenile.

Edited to add:

Iceman,

I understand what you're saying and after reading it again, I agree that the information is necessary.

I just don't think that that is the way to open the prologue.  Somehow, to me, it reads more like a screenplay description of a setting.  Maybe it could be worked into the paragraphs as action.

To Mrs. Snape:  I would also eliminate words like "It was just big enough to allow the two men to walk through it without ducking".  If they went through, we already know it was big enough.

Of course, that's just me.

I'm really intrigued by the prologue.  I hope you continue the story.

Answer 6

it sounds really good! i'm looking forwad to it! The Vinco and Castellum sound like really important items or somethin. but i'd really like to read it! thanks!