If first parents truly feel that relinquishment was the right choice...?

Question

Does that mean that there is no pain involved? I have heard that it can be painful for both mother and child to be separated, regardless of the reason, but I still see some answerers stating that the mother felt this was the right choice in answer to questions regarding the pain that first mothers experience. So, if she believes she made a good choice, does that mean that she will not feel anything negative from being separated from her child? Does that mean that the child won't feel anything negative? And does that mean that she will never regret her decision?

Answer 1

I agree with Jennifer. The right choice does not always make everything better or take away the pain. Sometimes the right choice is the hardest thing to do.

It's a painful decision for the mother and the child.

Answer 2

Gaia Raain,

I believe the pain First Parents feel is unimaginable.  I think one of the reasons people have a hard time understanding the pain involved is because it is worse than most people will ever feel.

I've buried my first born daughter. I feel pain and will as long as i live but i know where my child is.  I can't imagine not knowing where your child is and how your child is doing.  Like i said, unimaginable a pain so difficult there are no words to express it.

"Right choices" can be full of negativity and regret for both mother and child.  Furthermore, someone can believe they were making a "right choice" at the time and later realize that "right choice" was the "wrong choice".

Answer 3

My friend Alanna had her child adopted.  She doesn't regret it.  She thinks it was the best thing for her son, Jeremy.

HOWEVER, it's an open adoption and the adoptive parents are absolutely AMAZING.  (Alanna was able to choose the people she thought should raise her child.)  She makes plans to see him all the time and has actually become a really close friend of the entire family.

Are there still negative emotions.  That's a resounding YES.  Even though she doesn't regret her situation and still gets to see her son grow up, there are times when she gets really sad about it.  When we were in the hospital with her the day the new family took him away, she was an absolute wreck... even though she still thought she made the right decision.

And there are still times when she regrets not being Jeremy's mom.  Not raising her child and giving him to another family to take care of.  I mean, she bonded with that child while she was pregnant, right down to having conversations with her belly.  You can't grow a living creature inside of you and not bond with it.

I think there are always negative emotions and regrets and what ifs involved... even if the mother feels that she made the right choice.

As for adoptees, I've had a GREAT situation.  My amom's adopted, so she's encouraged me to discuss how I feel and my issues concerning adoption openly.  I've never been required to act like I'm their natural child or hide my adoption.  But I'm still sitting here, trying to find my fmom.  Stressing over it.  Wondering where I came from and who this other half of me is.  Who my other family is.

I can't even imagine how people that had a less than ideal life with their aparents must feel.

Answer 4

Oh darn! That's where I went wrong - I'm not a Vulcan!

(Or a crackwhore, or a saint, or an incubator, or somebody's miracle worker - just a person like everybody else!)

ETA: Freckle Face, (((((HUGS)))))) I am so truely sorry for your loss as I have said more far more eloquently in other places, and I too, see the similarities and differences between losing a child to death and losing a child to adoption -especially  closed one. I sometimes feel my situation is like having living-ghost children for whom I grieve daily but have no closure or place to mourn them. I sometimes wonder if death would have been easier as I would know for sure and yet that pain too, seems absolutely unfathomable. My heart goes out to all parents who have lost a child, through death, adoption, divorce, kidnapping, runaway or just plain missing. No one can ever understand what it is like to lose a child until they have done it and to treat it as an insignifigant or minor loss is an insult to anyone who has experienced the agony of losing a child and a disservice to anyone considering relinquishing their rights to a child.

Answer 5

Mothers (1st parent).. are Vulcan's, they do not have feelings.

Well according to some insensitive people they shouldn't or don't have the right.

Good question.

Answer 6

Of course, not.

Right choice doesn't necessarily mean painless choice.  Sometimes the only right choice is also the most painful.  Doing what is right for the child - what will give the child the best chance for a full life, loved by two parents in a situation to be able to feed, clothe and take care of it - is the only way to make that decision.  And the pain is balanced by knowing that baby will have a wonderful life with its adoptive parents, no matter how painful giving it up might be.

Women who have abortions are not heartless robots.  But sometimes, that painful choice is the only one possible.

How you feel about something doesn't make it either right or wrong.

Answer 7

I think it truly depends on the person. Some people I know have not one regret. They didn't want to have a child, and yet they felt they couldn't have an abortion, so to adopt the child out was the best thing they could do for that child. Do they think of them, I am sure they do from time to time but again I think it depends on the person, and the situation.

Answer 8

Unless they are unable to feel emotion for whatever reason, of course there will be pain.  In cases of letting a suffering loved one go, there is pain.  When you experience true tough love, there is pain.  When there is a divorce, there is pain.  But, pain does not necessarily equate a bad decision.

As with everything mentioned above, with adoption, there will be pain.  But, not every adoption is a bad decision.

Answer 9

I think in most situations (not all) the mothers are coerced into giving up their babies. adoption was created so children who were PARENTLESS could have a chance at a good life it was never created so poor infertile couples could have a baby.There is always pain not just for the mother either for the infant babies know their mothers smell and sound they are programmed to want and need her and to a baby there is no such thing as a replacement.Young women are tricked into believing they are doing whats best and if the mother truly did not care she would have aborted the baby. not aborting shows a lot of love just in that act alone.

Answer 10

Sorry but I don't think us S****y crackwhores have enough emotional capacity to give a rats ***.

Answer 11

I think that the first parents will feel pain, yes. After our daughter died we felt pain and still do, I think it's the same for the natural parents. They relinquish those rights and make an adoption plan for whatever their reasons-- for the child's best interest--- and yet the parents are still going to hurt.  They will miss their child, the mom had 9 months to bond with this baby inside her, yet she is handing this child over to someone else to care for him or her. That's hard.

When a child dies you go through the 5 stages of grieving:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

The natural parents go through the same things, several times in a day, several times in a year and not in any order

Answer 12

To quote Dumbledore in Harry Potter :Now is the time to choose between what is easy and what is right."  ;-)

The "right" road is rarely the least pain-free.  This applies pretty much to every part of life.

No choice involving unplanned pregnancy is pain free or easy.  That is why each person's choice should be respected.

Answer 13

My Biomom did not express any regret, pain, or even acknowledgement of the fact that her choices meant her child would go and be someone elses baby.

As I have met her as an adult, I believe her.

Does this mean I don't suffer pain from that baby exchange?  I most certainly do.  And the fact that she didn't seem to care, most certainly doesn't HELP.  Talk about adding to the "unwanted baby syndrome" so many adoptees have to figure out.

Answer 14

cruzgirl: I was going to quote Dumbledore!

I can only answer based upon the closest relationship I have with a first mother - my own mother.

She believes she made the right choice, both for her and for her son. But she feels the pain. Forty years later, it still hurts.  She wishes she could take away any pain it caused him, but believes - strongly - that the right choice for both of them was adoption.  And she did have other options, even 40 years ago - a friend of her family offered to let her live with them, rent free, and would pay her college tuition and for daycare. She still chose adoption. And it still hurts her.

Answer 15

Fact of life that can be applied to many areas.

Sometimes the "right" choice isn't the easiest choice, nor the most pain-free choice.  

I would expect anyone who relinquishes a child to feel grief, pain, loss and yes, even regret.  Even if the head knows it is the right thing to do, the heart may say otherwise.

Answer 16

You've received a lot of good answers so far, and I think it just goes to show that every situation is different.  For some people, adoption is going to have incredible pain and consequence - even if they believe what they are doing is right for themselves and the child.  And for other people, such as my son's original parents, I don't know that they are mentally stable enough at this point in their lives to feel pain.  Maybe some day they will, but for now, they are so glad to be "rid" of his burden, that I don't think they find pain in it.  And I don't say that to be mean - it's just what the biological grandparents have told me with regards to things.  I mean shortly after they placed Gareth for adoption, they did the same thing to another child - denying her existence, refusing her medical care, etc.  

And yet, I know the pain his biological grandparents experienced the day we brought him home.  I know they were thrilled to see him leave with parents they knew would take care of him and were overjoyed that we were going to keep them a solid part of his life, but when we called to say we were home, I could hear the pain in their voice (after all, they had sole custody of him for almost 5 months).  

So do I think that when a parent chooses to relinquish and feels strongly about it, that there is no pain?  I think it is all dependent on the individual person and situation.  And I believe the same holds true for the Adoptee.  Everyone is different.

Answer 17

I'm sure there is pain still involved.

I "chose" to end a pregnancy, rather than die from the cancer it created in my womb. It was the toughest decision, but I did it.

Looking back I have guilt, sadness, pain and wish I didn't have to do it. BUT I know that had I not done it, I would not be alive.

Just because someone stands by their choice, doen't mean that it doesn't hurt, IN FACT it just contuies the idea that she was , IS !!!!!! "unfit", even if it's 40 years later. Weather or not it's true.

Answer 18

Fantastic question, Gaia.  My first mom tells me that for months after giving birth to me, she would wake early each morning in the half-sleep between dreaming and wakefulness...aching to hold me...and she would sob and cry because she. couldn't. ever. hold. me. again.

She had been *convinced* by her family that adoption was the best thing for both her and for me....time proved otherwise....we both bear the wounds.

Answer 19

Good question.

I'm sure they have as much grief - but they bury it way way down deep - so that it rarely touches the surface.

They drink the adoption kool-aide - long and deep.

It's what adoption agencies tell them to do.

'Get on with your life'

'You are doing the loving thing'

'You giving up your child - is in child's best interests'

I'm sure that many a relinquishing mother has to bury any of her own grief - just to get through the day - to put on a happy happy face - and say - 'h**l yes - I'm fine with my decision'.

What worries me - is when their adoptee comes back one day to find them - and has had many issues with being relinquished - but finds a mother that has been drinking the kool-aide for way too long - and does not validate that adoptee's pain - because it was all ok for the mother - so it should be alright for the child/adoptee.

Sadly too many relinquishing mothers do not think of how that child might feel in 20-30-40 years down the track - when they can think for themselves.

It's so damned complicated.

And too many relinquishing mothers aren't given all the facts - or half of the help they really need.