If given the option, would adoptive parents...?

Question

... go back in time and change everything?

Obviously, nothing can be done about a Chinese toddler that has already been adopted. The papers have been signed, parents have been waiting for years to head to China and bring the toddler home. The ink is now dry. The original parental rights have been completely severed by law. The legalization has been permanently finalized.

But I ask you: if you had a magic wand and you knew you could go back and in time, make things better for the original mother of that child and hand that child back to her *in her arms*...

Could you do it?

To some extent, it's easier to say. But could you actually do it, knowing that you would not have that little girl/boy in your life RIGHT NOW?

A mother made that sacrifice for her child - if it was physically possible, would you wave that magic wand and return the favour?

Answer 1

Dear Mei-Ling,

While it would be the most difficult decision of my life, I have no right to a child that is not in desperate need of a home and family...i.e. abuse/neglect. Even in our current situation of trying to adopt an abuse/neglect child, if the state felt that the mother was well enough and healthy enough and stable enough to care for our child, I would--reluctantly--return him to her care. I think if she were clean and sober, she would probably be a good mommy....but drugs cause you to do stupid things. I know if she were off the drugs, she would try harder and work to get her child back....and I wouldn't want to keep him from his healthy mother--regardless of her income.

It would worry me daily, hourly and I would cry and scream until I couldn't do it any more. But in the end, the reason he is with me and my husband is because she wasn't able to care for him. If that situation changed, who am I to keep him from his mother? Perhaps I can say that I would return him because I am so certain that she will not get the help she needs. If she were working on recovery or if she made any attempt to visit with her child, maybe I would be more fearful and reluctant. It would be the most horrible decision I would ever have to make.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 2

After years of loving and bonding, do parents who find out that their child has a debilitating disease suddenly wish they had an abortion years ago?  I know, different, but it still came to mind when reading your question.

For me, the answer to both, would be no.

ETA:  I didn't realize you were only addressing this question to those where it was only a financial reason.

But, to those posters who can't understand why they are reading some answers here, think about it for a minute.  It's a hypothetical question, which are quite often difficult to know what your answer REALLY would be.  Then, factor in the fact that there are some very strong emotions we have in regards to our children.  In order to reasonably answer the question posed, it would require pretending we are back in time before those emotions and the bonding developed.  If I could honestly shut those feelings off just to answer a question on a message board, then I really don't have any business being a parent.

Answer 3

What a thought provoking question. Really makes someone do some serious soul searching.

Even though my son's adoption was necessary due to abuse from his father, I still would have done things differently as far as his mother goes.

She had no contact with his since he was under a year old. All she ever heard was that he was "retarded" (I hate that word BTW) and that it was all her fault that he was that way because he had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She was hearing this from his father whenever she asked about him.

I believe if she would have had a chance to be around him more while he was in foster care, she would have realized that she was being lied to. And maybe she would have fought to have him back in her life.

So, on my part, I may have contacted her myself to tell her of her son's accomplishments and just maybe she would have been able to turn things around for him.

Answer 4

Speaking only of China here.....

If I could I would wave a magic wand and make it to where boys are not valued over girls. To where if a child is born with a birth defect (such as my daughter was) it would not be seen as a curse. Then not only would the parent seek medical care instead of leaving the baby on the side of the road but they would actually be able to afford that medical care once found.

Even though your question is a strange one my answer is no I would not hand my child back NOW but I would go even further back in time and change the moment where my daughter was abandoned. If her parents truly wanted her then I would change whatever was needed for them to parent her.

That way my daughter would never know what it feels like to be abandoned or then thrown into the arms of strangers (us) and have to adapt.

Answer 5

I am an adoptive parent.  The answer to your question is NO

and frankly I find the question both insulting and absurd.

Answer 6

Dear Mei-Ling,

This is one of the questions that haunts me.

I would have adopted a sibling group thru foster care, if i had known then what i do now.  The guilt eats at me that DD's mom could have parented her with more encouragement.  As much as it would devastate me, i would erase the pain that  both mother and child suffers from the separation of adoption by never separating them in the first place.

It kills me to say this.

ETA:  I know you are getting alot of flack for this question.  I actually appreicate it.  It really makes one think.

The part that kills me was that in some way i thought i might be disrespecting DD by answering this.  I would never want her to think she was unwanted by either of her mothers.  I felt secure that DD knows me well enough to understand my answer.  Just the thought of saying i would give my daughter back, in regards to an adoptee who already struggles with rejection, kills me but as a mother if i could erase her pain, i would.

Answer 7

Okay, I'm the a-mom of that Chinese toddler (now preschooler) as in your question. And I'm going to answer this as if it truly were a magic wand, that would have changed the laws and customs and rural poverty in China such that families could keep their children. And as if I had never met my daughter or seen a picture.

So given all that, but still knowing and believing what I know now (and of course those 2 things can't go together, since I've learned so much as an a-parent, but leaving that aside) -- then Yes, I would wave that wand and erase the pain my daughter and the daughters of so many other families in China feel because of the loss of their families -- and the families feel for losing them.

As it is, knowing and having raised my daughter and held her as she cried about the loss of her foster mother and brother in China? I could not possibly just send her back knowing that--how would her soul ever recover after so many losses? But I would do whatever I possibly could so that she would be able to be raised with both her families. I would try to move to China for as long as I could to raise her with both (ideally all 3) families. I would try to have her spend part of the year in each family when she was older. Or I would try to sponsor her families to live here. I hope someday I am faced with this dilemma, as it would help heal my daughter's heart.

Answer 8

no I could not. I could not live without my little girl, I would not want to .

edit: I tried to help her mother, thats how I ended up with her. I give her every opportunity to be in her child's life, she does not want to and that hurts me to no end. I take care of her every day and love her, so I am her mother, biological or not.

edit#2: I'm going to go out on a limb here and wonder if you were adopted...did you ever think that your adopted parents told you it was just for financial reasons because they did not want to hurt you, now obviously I don't know what happened, none of my business, but I know I would never tell my adopted child the whole truth because that would mean telling her that her mother simply did not want her, among other, even worse things. I would not want to psychologically damage her. I want her to think her mother is a good person, so that she will not worry about growing up to be like her. Her biological mother wanted it that way and I respect her wishes.

Answer 9

No, I would not give my daughter back to her birth mother. I TRIED to help her birth mother get her life together and I TRIED to help her stay in her daughter's life.

The minutes she got a new boyfriend she took off to another state and changed her phone number when we tired to call her. She is trying to have another baby now so she has no care or concern for the child she left behind.

PS I adopted my step daughter so the woman I was having in my home for weekends and tried to help was his ex girlfriend, but for the sake of the little girl I did everything I could for her.

Answer 10

If I could go back in time, wave a magic wand and make the circumstances in my child's homecountry such that they didn't need to be adopted, I would.  That would mean that my children from adoption would have had the chance to BE children, instead of having to live through what they did.  

I would give anything to be able to protect my children from that.  

But life isn't a fairy tale.  I couldn't prevent what they endured and witnessed.  All I can do is try to help them come to grips with it.

Answer 11

If I was an adoptive parent I would not do that everything happens for a reason. To go back and change something well that’s just not right imo. Changing one thing could alter more then just that event. Most people wish they could go back and change something but when you really think about it I think most would realize that going back in time and changing an event even if you could would not be wise. Again everything happens for a reason.  As an adoptee I would not have wanted my parents to do that if they could. Besides this is an irrelevant questioned because we can not go back in time.

Answer 12

Are you a birth mother who regrets her decision after she gave her child up for adoption ???

If so, i am sorry but because you are regretting your decision and hurting so have decided to lash out on all adoptive parents and hurt them back.

I think you know my answer to your question

Answer 13

If I could make him and his mom healthy and able to be together, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Answer 14

I honestly don't know what I would do.

But I can tell you what we ARE doing with my eldest son's mom.  He's adopted from Asia, and when we found his mom she let us know that she was pregnant. We sent money for her medical expenses and support so that she could keep that child with her.  For more than eight years, we've been trying to help her. We set her up in a business and bought her some livestock because we didn't want her to feel dependent on us.  We still do send money, though.  

Our son's mom has had three more children, and I was very proud that we were doing the right thing and helping her to keep her family together.  Then I got word that she urgently wanted us to adopt the two older children she has.  Her new husband, the father of her baby, does not want another man's children in his home. It's a cultural thing, I'm told.

Our go-between advised me not to adopt, as the marriage might not last and then she would want the children back. I tried to arrange foster care and schooling for the children instead. The last news I got is that one of the children had died and the other one was pulled out of school (he was five) and sold to a farmer as labor.  

I tried to do what I could for these other children.  My efforts, from my point of view, have turned out disastrously. I don't blame the mom, I don't blame myself.  I just wish there really was a magic wand, it would have worked better.

Answer 15

No.  I truly believe my son was meant to be my son.  

And even IF I were able to go back in time- nothing would change...  I'd become his adoptive mom all over again.  I don't think anyone could change my son's mom's decision to place him through adoption.  ... and I'm not going to plaster my son's personal life story on the internet to prove my point either.

Answer 16

Well I am an adoptee...this question could be taken a couple different ways.

1.  the AP would gladly wave their wand because the adopted child didn't 'mesh' as easily as they thought & 'regret' having adopted this child...in a way could be looked at returning 'used goods'...not so good for the child

2.  the AP wouldn't want to return the child as it is their child, a part of their family.  Perhpas they would return the child if they knew in the end that was ultimately the best choice for their child...after being with a family so long...is that really the best?

3.  My choice - I wouldn't want my AP's to 'return' me...in the end 'returning' me would have made things ultimately worse in my situation & only making my worse fear 'abandonment again' reality.  Where i would like to go back to my roots & see where I came from originally I am content with my life & to be 'returned' after being settled into my 'family' would ultimately be a shocker & more damaging.

I see what you're trying to say tho-  Personally, I still struggle with the thought of bmom's & their rights...since I still feel like she ultimately abandoned me so there's still ill feelings there.   There are many who were never given a fair shot at keeping their children while there were others who had that choice.  It shouldn't be about returning the children at this point but preventing it from happening in the first place.

edited to add - sorry by the time I got to the end of your post I completely forgot the first line of your question...the answer should be 'of course'...if it was somehow possible for the bio mother to keep their child then of course but like you also said there is nothing to be done for the children who already adopted. If there was a better system (like Australia has created over the years) to support bparents in raising their own children (of course if capable) then of course I would hope that there is no need for adoption.

Answer 17

When I was considering adoption I didn't want to have to look back and see the damage or atrocities my "wants" created or contributed to. Fortunately, I was raised in a family and came from a lineage where we help those in need instead of taking advantage of them.   Fostering is needed and in some cases adoption as well but never when a child has a mother or family that loves and wants to raise them even if its after fact.

Answer 18

If her reasons were only financial, then the right thing to do would be to help her so she could raise her child/children.  

But whether I could do it now (after 7 years) is too hard a question to ask hypothetically.  Can this magic wand also erase my memory of them so it wouldn't kill me?

I would like to think I could do the right thing.

Answer 19

If it meant my son would be free of his pain and his reactive attachment disorder, then yes. My heart would break, I would die inside, but if it meant he was free, then yes.

Answer 20

I think the point of the question was to go back in time and "fix" the situation so there would be NO NEED for adoption.

Notice how everyone said NO, it's MY baby, etc., etc.,

Nothing like feeling entitled to someone else's baby, huh?  And APs want us to believe adoption is about the child - sounds like it ALL about the APs.

Answer 21

Would I change things?  That's a hard question to answer.  For us, I don't know how to honestly answer it.  Would I change my son being neglected?  Absolutely.  Even if that meant that he was never born?  Wow...that's a tough one because I love him so much, but if I'm being honest with myself, I would give up my parenthood so that he wouldn't have experienced that before and after he was born.  

Would I change things to help the original mom with parenting?  I can honestly without hesitation say "No - I would not change things".  Fortunately, for my son's sake, she made a very clear decision that she did not want to parent and chose to make an adoption plan for him.  No amount of parenting help that she would have received would have made her change her mind - in my opinion.  The original parents denied the child had even been born - after he was born on the floor of the apartment.  So, would I change the adoption plan for him, even if it meant we weren't his parents?  No.  Even if he wasn't our son, I would still have supported the adoption plan for him.  It was what was best for him.  

I know in your ETA that you mentioned that you weren't looking for parents of children who were abused, but since the question was to APs and whether or not they would change things, it is really going to be dependent on each individual situation.  I cannot speak for other APs, just myself and our own situation with our son.

Answer 22

I have not adopted yet, and I know that this isn't what you're looking for.  But my husband and I both have the motto, "we're working ourselves out of a job".  If there were no kids waiting in foster care to be adopted, we'd either try to have our own, or be happily childless.  If I could wave a magic wand and make every addict clean, every abuser mentally healthy, every prostitute have self respect, every parent who ever lost their children to foster care find WHATEVER it is they need to become the parents their children need, I'd do it.

Obviously I can't speak to what I would do after adoption.  But you make a very good point.  The natural mother gave up her flesh and blood, the child born from her, the child that was inside her from the day SHE was born (because we're born with all the eggs we'll ever have).  I think it's a small sacrifice compared to that, to give the child back to the parent whose connection with that child can NEVER be severed.  I'm sure it would be horribly painful, and I would probably never want to adopt again (because I'd be afraid of somehow projecting that pain onto my next child), but I believe that "what's right" would win out over "what I want".

Answer 23

Coming from a family -my biological parents adpoted two children after me, That was there whole goal was to give the children back.  I think it is the right thing to do is give the child back.  I am infertile and unable to have my own children and am in the process of getting my foster care license.  that is the end goal, returning the children to their rightful owner.  God isn't giving me my own children so I have the opportunity to help others who need the help.  My mother would definitely wave the magic wand and give my sister and brother.  And you should tell the child the FULL truth, do not keep it from them that the bio parents didnt want them.  Of course they will feel rejected but they will feel worse if you lie to them about their past.

Answer 24

I'm not sure whether to be amused, insulted, or intrigued by your question.

So I'll be all three.

My daughter belongs to me, and I belong to her.  I'm her Dad, she's never had another.  Could I hand her "back" to the family that abandoned her in a vegetable stand in the center of a busy market?  No.  h**l no.

Would I wave a magic wand?  What a silly and naive question.  If so: there'd be no need for adoptive parents, no child would ever starve or know pain, no one would lose a child to Cancer, etc.  What I can do (and what I do a lot of) is give charitably to help those infants that remain in China, abandoned by their parents and failed governmental policy.  I can support a United States government that leans on China to improve human rights and education, so that a male child is not deemed so important that mothers will abandon their flesh and blood daughters.  

THAT, young lady, is the way to change the world.  Not posing hurtful theoretical questions on Yahoo Answers in an attempt to make me feel guilty for having a beautiful daughter.

Answer 25

Do you think it would be good for a child to be raised by parents who actually asked for money for the child?????  Some of these parents get pregnant with the intention of squeezing money out of people.  

I offered to help my son's 1st parents with their situation, if they chose to keep him.  I offered everything I'd bought for him, and even wanted to visit.

They turned me down.  Now, we're adopting a 2nd child from them, possibly.  I once again have offered to help them raise it.  I did ask that the children beallowed to know they are siblilngs.  Once again, they turned me down, and wish to place the child.

No, I wouldn't go back.