If giving up a child?

Question

If giving up a child for adoption is one of the most caring things a woman could do, then am I uncaring for keeping my child?

I don't understand this thought process about giving away your baby to strangers as being a loving caring thing.

Answer 1

Of course it is a wonderful, loving thing to keep your child.  But not if you are unable to care for them the way they deserve at that point in your life.  I'm sorry, but living in this country with children and without a college degree is a hard, unforgiving life for both mom and child.  It isn't fair to either.

NO it is not because it is a better choice than abortion!  That is ridiculous.  

I wouldn't call adoption "giving away your baby to strangers."  You need to do some research.  Birth mothers choose the adoptive parents.  They get to know them first.  They make sure they are the best qualified people to rear their child.  They don't just fling them into the arms of some random couple and run away!  Not these days anyway.

Placing a child for adoption is a very unselfish, caring thing to do.  You are giving the person you love most in this world the best life you can give them.  And giving the most precious gift in this world to two people who deserve it.  It is unselfish because you are loosing a part of you, to help someone else create a new family.  It is a very responsible thing to do.  You obviously don't know how utterly heartbreaking it is to know you won't get to hold your child every day.  It takes a VERY strong person to place a child.  Not just anyone could do it.

And it doesn't mean abandoning them.  I'm sorry if birth mothers in the past have abandoned their children, but I RESENT THAT STEREOTYPE!  I am not that kind of person, and neither are MANY women who place their child for adoption.  I will always be there for my son.  I will always be his birth mom.  I love him more than anything!  I choose parents that I know could do better than me at this point.  

I hope this clarifies things for you.

EDIT:  And it most certainly is NOT just something said by people who have put their stakes into adoption, or are anti-abortion to convince women with unwanted pregnancy.  

Birth mothers are good people.  Perhaps some messed up, or didn't have a close connection with their children.  But they don't deserve to be called "uncaring" as a whole.

Answer 2

As an adoptive child-- I am glad that my mother gave me up-- if not I would have been raised in a drug infested, abusive home-- instead i was raised in a caring home-- no you are not uncaring for keeping your child unless you have your child in a really bad environment-- then you are being uncaring.

Answer 3

For the simple fact that it is better then abortion.

Answer 4

It is not uncaring to keep your child. I don't see how it is caring to give your baby away, the child will grow up with feelings of abandonment. Adoption is just better than abortion because the child has a chance at some sort of life.

Answer 5

Its more loving and caring then killing the baby by doing an abortion.

Answer 6

I don't get it either.  Frankly, having searched and found my bparents, I firmly beleive that their reasons for giving me away were purely selfish.  I think going home from the hospital without me was a relief for them.

Answer 7

It is one of the most heartbreaking decisions a person could ever make . It is a selfish act ..that only a person doing it could ever understand. It is the right decision other  than an abortion. unless you have walked in their shoes ..don't frown on it.

Answer 8

No....Its one of the most caring things a women who doesnt want thier child or cant care for them can do...you are not selfish for keeping ur child and giving them a loving and stable environment...If a woman is not ready to care for a child or doesnt want to then the best thing they can do is give it to someone who can provide for that child and give that child the life they deserve.....

Answer 9

I think it depends on the situation. I believe adoption is the better alternative to abortion.

Watch JUNO.

Keep your baby if you want. YOUR baby.

Answer 10

giving up a child for adoption is more loving than abortion or keeping it in a home where it would not be loved or taken care of. not all people are in the position or frame of mind to raise a child. it's better for a child to be raised by an adoptive family than it is for it to be left in a trash can, abused or to go hungry . But the best is for it to be raised by a loving family, whether by its birth parents or adopted parents

Answer 11

if you believe that you can give your child a good life then you are not being uncaring. but if you don't think you can give your child the best life possible then you should do the child a favor and give them to someone who can give them the best life possible

Answer 12

has to do with the situation the person is in and which the mother would think would be better for her child, being with her or being raised by someone else. I don't think you can really understand it, till you have walk in the persons shoes

Answer 13

I wrote a blog about this and am going to post it.

"It's funny. When you think of putting your baby up for adoption, nobody thinks of you as selfish. I however, disagree. When I had originally entertained the idea, it was for selfish reasons. Well, mostly it was fear. Fear of not knowing what to do. I believe, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but every mother-to-be, and father-to-be for that matter, no matter how prepared they are, have an underlying fear that they won't know what to do, or will do the wrong thing. That's basically how I felt. However, there were selfish reasons also. I was worried about not being able to go to Hopkins like I'd been planning to. Not fulfilling my dream of becoming a world-renown physician. When my precious boy was born, however, everything changed. I admit I was terrified the first time I picked him up and held him, but I found that I didn't need any type of instruction, nor did I need any type of instruction when I fed him for the very first time. I just instinctively knew what to do. Then, the first time he opened his eyes and looked at me, I knew that I no longer cared about going to Hopkins or publishing in journals around the world. I would give it all up because nothing was as important as this amazing little guy that was staring up at me. Giving up someone for your dreams - that seems selfish to me, but giving up your dreams for someone else - what could it be other than love?"

ETA: Tish, you're my new hero!

Answer 14

I never thought giving up my child was a caring thing to do, I thought it was selfish of me to deny my child me because everyone else said it was the right thing to do.

Answer 15

Of course not...if you are able to keep your child you should.

Some woman just can't.  They know they cannot give the child a good life, they know they aren't ready to be a parent.  They know they cannot give their child the life they want to give them...in those cases, it is a caring and loving thing.

My birth mom...just didn't want to be bothered!

Answer 16

For the simple fact that it is better then abortion. and for the other fact that it's better for the child if it's adoptive parents can provide for it

Answer 17

i have a request...

can we please only have answers from folks who've actually BEEN PREGNANT, PLACED FOR ADOPTION, ARE ADOPTEES OR CONSIDERED ADOPTION?

i mean, seriously. the answers are so cliche' that they make my head hurt.  "it's better than abortion", " it's selfLESS", "it's better to let others care for the baby..."  seriously people, can't some of you come up with original defenses for tearing apart natural families?  i mean please...we are not talking about puppies here.

ok..

i think the caring garbage is simply propaganda peddled by the adoption agency to score kids for their paying customers. i say, let's place babies for FREE and see how many fancy websites and "positive adoption language" pushers disappear into the woodwork.  the LOVING CHOICE is to support natural mothers and not guilt them into gestating and handing over their kids to the highest bidder. also, adoption (and the reasons why women consider it) is so nuanced, that simply, uninformed statements such as "if you wanted your baby you never would have given him/her up" have little merit in this discourse. it always amazes me that simply because an aparent will pay a S**t-load of money for a kid, this action in some why denotes his or her higher commitment or love towards a child.  it's bull.  complete bull.

contrary to what the "ill-informed majority" believes, people consider adoption for many reasons.  and most of them have NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVING CHILDREN MORE THAN THEIR FPARENTS.  it's usually (not always) due to some entitlement to have what others seem to achieve effortlessly--a baby. this is why so many aparents will "request" and attempt to "special order" the type of kid they want.  it's not about the child, most times.... it's about them.

until one has endured 9 months of pregnancy, labor and delivery; it is completely unfair and rude to assume that a couple of strangers who can write a check love the baby more; hence the fmom should simply give up her kid and fade away into the horizon.

this is some twisted logic, people.  

good ? dory.

Answer 18

no it's not uncaring! i think the caring think to do is to keep your child, so it knows who it's real mom is and not someone whos not even related to him!

Answer 19

You are not uncaring for keeping your child, if you can care and provide for your child then you have every right to keep them.

Giving up a child is one of the most selfLESS things a woman can do! She is giving up a child because she knows that she cannot care for the child like the adoptive parents could.  I was adopted, and my birth mother was 15 years old she knew she could not care for me and give me the life that another family could.

Answer 20

If you love your baby, but can't provide a good environment to raise the child, then it can be an act of love to give the child to someone who can. It doesn't mean that you're not caring if you keep a child - things aren't  black and white like that.

However there are cases where keeping a child can be a very selfish decision. For example an a-mom I know adopted her child at 9 mo. She knew him all along. His mom was using drugs on and off throughout her pregnancy, but decided to parent her child. She was having trouble raising her son, and relied on the a-mom for help. She then became homeless and took him to  live in Golden Gate park with her for several months. Finally she realized that this was no way for a child to live, and she called the a-mom to come and get the baby.

She may have loved her child, but her choices put her child's life at risk. It would have been more caring if she had relinquished the child at birth.

Answer 21

It's not THE most caring thing, but it's one of the most caring things. I understand many don't agree with abortion, so I can understand that view point. For me, I think a child being placed for adoption is better then the alternative. Which would be being left in a dumpster to die because the mother doesn't want anyone to know she was pregnant, or because she didn't know what she could do if she chose not to parent. And I think its' better for a child to be given to parents that can raise and fully care for it then to someone who cannot fully afford or care for it.

Answer 22

I don't particularly feel loved and cherished when I'm in a room full of strangers, much less would I want to go home and live with them.

I could only imagine forcing that on a defenseless child.

I don't get it either, Dory.  Just don't get it at all.

Answer 23

I don't understand that either.  I see answers all the time from people telling someone who they don't even know thanking them so much for considering adoption and that it is the the best ever choice and the most selfless and caring thing they could do! (mostly this kind of mantra comes from the mouths of people who want to procure baby)

If that were true then everyone would be giving up their firstborn!

Nor do I understand people jumping on the anti-abortion bandwagon - it makes no sense!  Obviously if someone is considering adoption for their child they  have decided to go through with a pregnancy.

ETA  Oh great, now we have the ol' dumpster theory - give me strength {rolls eyes}  if a woman is the type to dump her child, she is going to dump her child.   That  kind of woman is a totally different type of person altogether.

ETA:  I kept and am raising all my children.  They're not as financially privileged as some - so that means I must be really uncaring I guess!

Answer 24

no it's not uncaring that you kept your child. i think people say that a woman giving up a child as the most caring thing, is because it's easier to describe it that way. I don;t agree with that saying, but i'm tryint to guess why they say that

Answer 25

I think this is mostly a phrase which is used to encourage pregnant women who are "unsure" about parenting or in a "crisis" pregnancy to place their children. It is a way to discourage these women from raising their children.

While I realize there are cases where it really is the best option for the child; (IE:The mother, father and extended family are UNABLE to accept the child, abuse, etc. - not "she's too young" or "she's too poor" etc.) most of the time it is a way to subtly tell a mother that she is not capable to care or love her child or to make her feel "better" about her choice.

How often is this phrase used by anyone other than by PAP's and adoption facilitators?

Answer 26

This isn't about abortion, but it got thrown into many of the answers here.  If a woman had an abortion, there is no baby to put up for adoption.

If a woman gives birth, she's got two choices -- relinquish or raise.  What makes relinquishing so much more loving than raising? It's not.  Actually, if the reason for relinquishing were to enable the person to pursue personal desires more easily, that's not loving at all.  That's all about self.  If the mother truly loved the child, her own desires would pale in comparison to her child and she would be a mom to her child.  Actually, I know of very few people who've relinquished for such reasons, though.  I don't believe most people are that selfish.

Answer 27

I think of it like this:

it's the easiest thing a religious person can do

Its the most caring thing a bad mother can do. probably religious. easily justified without lifting a finger. ya know, gods plan and all.