If most people agree with the sentiment that it takes a "community to raise a child" why...?

Question

...do most of the same people tell a step parent that it's not their place to discipline their step children, especially when the step children are living in their home full time?

Answer 1

Honestly...  these people are trying to keep down the fights.  I was 15 when my mom got married.  My biological father is not and never was in the picture, and my mom did not date around.  My step dad tried to impose a lot of crazy rules like I couldnt wash clothes on Sunday, or that I couldnt be on the phone for longer than 5 minutes at a time unless it was a family member.  I was an only child with no neighbors my age, so basically I wasnt allowed to socialize outside of school.  When they got married, we moved an hour away, so I barely got to talk to any of my friends.  I hated it and was madder than I have ever been at some of the rules he tried to impose.  He wasnt my father, I barely knew him, and now he is trying to tell me what to do?  Now, dont take that as me sounding like a spoiled brat.  I guess I probably did to him, but I was previously allowed to do my laundry when ever I needed to do it.  I was previosly allowed on the phone whenever as long as I got off when asked, answered the call waiting, and had all my chores and homework done.  

Anyways, I think my mom saw how angry I was.  And they way he was treating me with his rules was the way he grew up, and he had never had kids.  But, he was the youngest out of 6 kids.  He had others to socialize with, Im not even sure he was allowed to do his own laundry, much less do it when ever.  (The first time I went to use the washer, he freaked out).  And ofcourse he couldnt sit around on the phone with 8 people in the house needing to make calls, it just wouldnt have been possible.  As an adult looking back, I understand where he was coming from.  But at the time, I thought he was just trying to put me in my place.

Anyways, point being....   My mom didnt like for him to discipline me because everytime he did it became a huge fight between all 3 of us over him not loving me and not being my family.  I think a lot of parents just try very hard to avoid that situation.

My personal opinion is that any parental figure should be allowed to discipline.  However, I have never been the parent figure of a step child, so I dont know.  Its very hard when you come into a family that is used to doing one thing and you want to do it differently.  Its very hard.

I think things with me and my step dad would have been drastically different if we had both just tried to understand where the other was coming from, but neither one of us wanted to do that.  It was a constant power struggle.

Answer 2

People are (in my opinion) inherently hypocritical.  It takes a community for everyone elses child don't you dare say something to mine

Answer 3

I have not found that the people who agree with it takes a village think it's not ok for stepparents to discipline.  I have found the exact opposite.

Answer 4

There is a difference between discipling and the idea of "raising" a child.  If I am around, I have a huge problem with anyone but myself discipling my child.  If they are at school, most teachers are trained on how to properly discipline a child, and I already know the school rules and consequences--I am ok with that.  However, if my neighbor started to tweak out on my child for whatever reason, I would have an issue.  I would rather they come to me and let me handle it.

As for a step parent (which I am one) their role should not be to punish if the other parent is around.  They should be respected and treated as an authority figure.  But they should not step into the role of "punisher" unless they establish a relationship with the child and have an understanding with the child and the parent about how things will be done.

Answer 5

I think most people think it's not ok for a step parent to discipline in the BEGINNING- not ever. Once good relationships have been established between the step parent and child then it's ok for them to step up to the plate. But you can't walk in and take control of someone else's kids that don't even know you yet unless you WANT them to hate you and you want to ruin any chance of having a decent relationship with them. Kids are sensitive, transitions to a whole new family are difficult for them. If the first impression they get of their step parent is that of a stranger who wants to take their parents time away from them and boss them around they'll only resent them.