If my bio mom is just a "birthmother"...?

Question

Well, judging from what I've seen on here, a biological mother is merely a "birthmother" - a tool to bring a life into the world so that the adoptive parents may have it.

My issue isn't actually about the adoptive parents wanting to have a child because I believe that many adoptive parents really do want a child to love and are perfectly capable of taking care of a child. It's about the usage of the term "birth child."

I was honestly stunned when I saw that.

I get that it's about personal preference, that some people think a "birthmother's" job was merely to give birth and disappear into the corner of the room that nobody wants to acknowledge on a decent level. But where does one draw the line between personal preference and respect?

If my mother, as some of you say, is merely a "birth" mother - meaning that she should be defined by ONE circumstance, then does that really make me a "birth child"? If we really want to be petty about terminology, why not stop there and say "red-and-white-blood-cell child"?

If I'm a "birth child"... then what on EARTH does that make my siblings (born to my original mother)? "Womb-children"? "DNA-related offspring"?

Yeah, they were raised by her. But we ALL came from the same person, so I'm not sure where the need to say "birth child" comes in.

Answer 1

Im a "birth" mother. I dont think the term is offending or anything. but if the people that adopted my baby think of me as a tool, that is another story.  I kept my baby for two weeks before the adoption. i am not a tool. i love my baby more than life itself.

Answer 2

I gave my daughter up in 1972, that was the terminology that I was saddled with. Other names just don't seem right to me. I have tried to change my terminology but it's just weird. I'll try harder. I don't want to offend anyone.

I just hate labels anyway.  

Answer 3

I don't mean to be insensitive but for me it would depend on whose mouth it was coming out of and their agendas.

I occasionally say birth mom but its never to discount a mother.

I believe women that give birth are "the mothers",everyone else are just parents in the position or role of mothers. I personally would let the step/foster/a-child call me whatever they felt comfortable with and not make a big deal out of it. I think its important to raise a child to be comfortable with the knowledge its okay they are not biological but are loved just as much as well as its okay to love their mother. I think its wrong and selfish to do otherwise. I know that I could never replace or be a substitute for another woman's bond or place in her child's life. I would be mothering them but I'm secure enough with myself to acknowledge the difference. I think Aps that get caught up in title of "the mother" need to do some soul searching.

Edit: just read the post...I think she/he works for an adoption agency and business is slow or the adoption she was banking on fell through.

Answer 4

I think part of the problem with terminologies is that people try to put one standard "across the board", when every situation is different.  I mean, there are some times when the term "first mom" is appropriate.  Especially in open adoption settings, referring to someone merely as a "birth mother" is silly - since they're a continual part of the child's life.  On the other hand, some times that really is ALL they do.  Not all women who conceive and chose to bare the child simply to avoid aborting it want to be considered a "real" mother of any sort.  I know you don't hear about alot of that on here, because the ones who bother coming to adoption boards aren't that kind.  They do exist though.  While I do think the movie "Juno" was pretty unrealistic in some aspects, there are women who feel the way she did about the child in their body.  They didn't want it, and while they don't want to kill it, they sort of want it to "just go away" once it's born.  (Yes, they think of it as "it" too).  Then there are the other kind...  the kind you don't even want to mention.  Calling those "birth mothers" is almost too kind.  Being a "birth mother" might define a person by a single act, but sometimes it's best not to think about the OTHER actions....  

I mean, who wants to be called the "birth, child beater, starver, druggie, leave in a dumpster" mother?  

As far as being a "birth child" is concerned....  I've never really heard that term used.  I never call myself my mothers "birth child" and I never call my brothers "birth brothers".  If I have to differentiate between my adopted brothers and myself or the others I call us my parents "biological children" and my brothers my "biological brothers".  They are all my brothers, but with some of them I share the bond of adoption and some of them I share a biology with.  It really wouldn't make sense to call my biological siblings "first siblings" since technically they weren't.  My adopted siblings were the first ones I got...  so would they be my "first brothers"?  (Ha ha, there's a fictional story I read where one of the cultures uses the term "first sister" and "first brother" to mean you have the same mother, but "second sister" or "Second brother" to mean your mothers are sisters...  this discussion reminds me of that)

Anyway, the appropriate termonology always depends on the exact situation.  Some women are more than "birth mothers", some women really do want their relationship with the child limited to only that event, and some women are graced by having that even as the only rememberence in their terms.  

Answer 5

I have several children.  They are all mine.  They are all real.  I love my children equally.  Some of my children are "by birth", meaning they came to me bloody and gooey fresh out of my stretched-out womb.  Some of my children are "by adoption" meaning i struggled and prayed and hand-picked them after they were born.  They are all mine.  They are all real.  They are all loved.

By the same token, i am their mom, and i am real.  My name is printed on each and every birth certificate and legally, it's just like they were all born to me.  The only purpose of differentiating "birth mom" vs. "adoptive mom" is when it comes to genetics and medical history.

Some people want to make more of it and make sure i have the consent of their "real mom" for medical procedures, school purposes, etc.  "Real mom"?  "Real family"?  So, that would make me what?  A place to crash till they are 18?  Fact is, the "real mom", the "birth mom" chose to abandon her offspring and allow the state to take over guardianship until a real family could be found for these kids.  Fact is, i'm the mom.  They're my kids - whether by birth or adoption, they're all legally and lovingly mine.  Unless we are talking about genetics again.  Then we have a birth family and an adoptive family.

Answer 6

I refer to my birthmom as a "birthmom" because it is easier than saying "the person who carried me in her womb for 9 months and then put me up for adoption". It's just shorter. I don't know her too well (yes, we've met, she's pretty cool), but she's a friend, not a mom to me really.  

Answer 7

My biological mother is simply an egg to me, and my biological father a sperm. Yes, I have met them both but, wish I never did as my ideas before I met them were positive, now negative with the truth.

I just see my biological mother as an egg and unfortunately a woman I am biologically connected to, that's all.

I look nothing like her, do have any similarities to her and she hates me anyway and calls me her "mistake" so why would I show honour to this woman when she has no respect for me?

My biological younger siblings, I am not like them either, look like only one of them and they all are so different from who I am (similarities, etc.) They are just individuals I am connected to as well but, I know they want nothing to do with me so they are nothing more than strangers to me.

I have my mother and father who adopted me and raised me as their own. I have my older sisters and brother who love me and who I have a lot in common with. This is my family.  

Answer 8

It all depends whom we call mother. First off to the women who unselfishly gave their children up for adoption God bless you all. Secondly to the parents who adopted those children you have a heart of pure love. It doesn't matter who raise a child. When that child fall and gets their boo boos kissed, their shots at the doctor ,the crying at night because of the boogie man, their grades in school  good or bad, the dropping and picking up at all their after school activities ,their  first heart ache from a relationship and so much more. That's who we / you call MOTHER.....bd

Answer 9

What is going on with you and your family?????

You seem so terribly upset but you're raving on and on in such an unproductive manner,.

You have a mother. Are you mad at her or something?

P.S. The term BIRTHMOTHER replaced the more accurate and appropriate Biological Parent because of objections from a small but extremely vocal group of birth mothers. It is used by people like me, who find it ridiculous as a concession to people in the community who have insisted upon it.

First mother is absurdly indulgent and just not accurate.

Answer 10

I don't think of it in such technical terms.

I define my birthmother as my mother at birth.  My birthfather was the man that was involved in my birth.

I don't define it any further that because anything else is an assumption.

In my mind "birthmother" is not disrespectful because it is not meant to be.  It just defines her part in my life.  

Answer 11

The term "birthmother" is an intentionally derogatory term that was invented by adoptive parent Pearl S. Buck and latched onto by adoption social workers in the early 1970s who defined it as meaning a woman who was a mother for birthing purposes only and nothing beyond that.

CUB on their website claims to have invented it but the term was used in social work professional articles at least 3 years before CUB formed. What CUB did was put the two words together without a space in the middle.  Founders of CUB were also not aware the the term meant "former mother."  

The male equivalent would have to be "ejaculation father" but the oxymoron "birth father" has since been invented.  

"Birth child" is about the same as saying "birth product."  Again, not a respectful term and you are right that it would be the same as saying "womb child".  The same people (including the NCFA in their recent handbook) also promote the term "biological stranger."  And social worker and adoptive mother Marietta Spencer who led the campaign to replace the original term "natural mother" with "birth mother" also suggested "gene donor", "genetic ancestor, and "begettor" as suitable synonyms.

Many of us who did not lose our connection with our children when separated from them (often against our will) by adoption don't like to use "birth terms" which limit us to being incubators.  And many of our children don't like the term either, so you are not alone in being an adoptee who finds it "doesn't fit"

Answer 12

My husband refers to his birth mother as his real mother, and his adoptive mum as his mum. He wants to give her some respect, as his mum loved him enough to go to frequent antenatal appointments to make sure he was healthy, which showed that she loved him. The reason why we know this, is because his adoptive mother and father were going through fertility treatments at the time (they wern't successful and he has an adopted younger sister as well)and the doctor said he had a patient that wanted to give her child up for adoption and would she be interested? she said yes right away and the rest is history.

Answer 13

she is still your mother and she is still your child, all the same, I'm probably sure that she loves you no matter what. people just came up with that name "birth mother"(in an adoption) so they wouldn't confuse the child when they started identifying people they knew. It really depends on how well your educated with adoption and all, and really do hope that people become more aware of that and its not a bad thing to do, putting your child up for an open adoption. I'm not sure if this makes sense but i do hope that this helps a little bit.  

Answer 14

I don't think 'birthmother' is a derogatory term at all. It's just a way to differentiate between the woman who carried me, and my actual mom, who raised me.

And no, I don't want to call her 'first mom' because I think that implies to people that she did help to raise me for part of my life. I understand that I grew inside her and she gave me life, but she was not my 'first mom'. My adoptive mom took me home at birth and raised me as her own. She is my first, and only mom.

I love both of my mothers. My birthmother carried me for 9 months knowing she could not raise me. She could easily have aborted me and not have had to spend half her life wondering who/what/where I was. She is amazing to have had the strength to survive such a loss.  And of course I love my adoptive mom (wait...is adoptive mom an acceptable term?). She raised me and loved me as her own from the get-go.

I guess I'm not really sure what you're so angry about. I don't think anyone on this forum is trying to be offensive by the terms they're using. When talking about adoption, there's just lots of different people in our lives (parents, siblings - adopted and biological, etc...), we have to be able to tell them all apart!