If one could say that an Aparent is emotionally unhealthy for loving an adoptee sight unseen, couldn't one . .

Question

say the same for adoptees who claim to love a bparent they've never had any memory of?

someone posted this question not too long ago and it got me to thinking. . .she was saying that people who were emotionally healthy couldn't possibly say they'd love an aodptee unconditionally yet it appears that some adoptees feel that way about their bparents that they've never met. Couldn't one say then that perhaps there are some emotional issues to be looked at?

just asking since it seems to be the flip side of a question previously asked.

Answer 1

I had no idea what it would be like when I met my half sister - after being separated for 38 years. We have the same mother - and were both adopted from birth.

I was blown away by how strong my feelings were for her (essentially we were complete strangers prior to meeting - apart from 2 long phone-calls) within the first 24 hours of meeting.

When you have lived your entire life without anyone remotely bio related - then to find one - that is so similar in so many many way - not just looks - but tastes and talents also - it's a truly amazing thing.

For me - I love my a-family because they loved me - they cared for me - we have history together.

I love my bio family - because we are genetically connected. We share the same gene pool. (and now we're working on the shared history part - trying to make up lost time) If that doesn't work - then that doesn't work - but I will still feel this amazing bond with them - I know.

Hard to explain - but it's an amazing feeling.

Answer 2

I had no idea how I would feel about my natural parents prior to reunion.  There is no decision on the part of a baby that she will love her parents at the time of birth.

I do know that I would have preferred that my early childhood had not included severing me from my parents.  I mean, I don't think people normally PREFER that this be a part of their lives, whether it was necessary or not.  For example, a child who is neglected by her family, then subsequently removed from that family due to the neglect, may be glad that she didn't have to continue to endure the neglect.  However, this doesn't mean she is glad that she had to experience severance from her family.  She would likely prefer that her family had not been neglectful and that they could have stayed together.

So, if I'd been raised by my natural family, does that guarantee I would have had a great relationship with my natural family?  No.  Of course, there is also no guarantee of the kind of relationship I would have had with any adoptive parents who raised me.

These are two separate issues.  The desire to have not been separated from family does not inherently include the surety of compatibility with that family, nor does it include any surety of compatibility with an alternate family.

Answer 3

Not having the memory is questionable and that is where the difference lies.

Memories are in our cells, I even believe in genetic memory. We miss them, because we DO remember them, even if on an unconscious level.

I'm not talking about the memory of something you see, its the memory of being, a part of you to the very core. My entire existance depended upon my mother. I was not anything, without her.

That is MUCH to be remembered. The greatest part of my development was spent with her.  From an egg, to a human being, where everything grew and constructed into the body that would allow me to live life.  

Even if its not in the "picture" memories of my brain, to say I didn't "remember" my mother is wrong. Shes my mother. I DID remember her.

There is a difference for searching someone you're already connected with on a biological and physical level, compared to falling in love with a child you've never been connected to, you don't share dna with and have only seen in a picture. I don't think its possible to fall in love with a picture.

I think its possible to fall in love with the idea you are a parent, and will be parenting and any child would have filled that "position" hopefully.

I think the motivation behind it is beautiful. Who desires to love so much, that they believe they're in love with an image in a picture. Its sentimental and sweet and I can understand why some say it, maybe, but the foundation behind it isn't as sweet as it sounds.

Personally, after watching a few YouTube videos of the parents holding up pictures of the child they're "adopting" who they say they've "fallen" in love with and are going to "get" when the child comes, the child looks terrified. Can you imagine having a complete stranger saying they're in love with you and smothering you, but you don't know them? Lets address this from the "adoptees" perspective.

Its proven that adoptees are in a state of trauma at the separation, be it, separation from mother, foster home care giver, or orphanage the "switch" of residence isn't easy for any baby.  

Here comes two complete strangers, saying they're in "love" with you, and all they want to do is hug and kiss you, but you don't want to be hugged and kissed by them. You don't know them. They're "not" your parents at this point and you do NOT trust them.

Falling in love with pictures can be damaging unless the aparents are prepared to give the child space and adjustment time to feel at ease and not smothered by his/her new caretakers.

This is what I mean when I say, adoption needs to be approached differently than having a biological child of your own.

I am not in any way shape or form debating that aparents CAN love their adopted children, but is the love even "pre" meeting or even on spot? I don't think so. I think its a love based on "parenting" or "their dream come true" "full-fillment" "accomplishment of their adoption "journey"" But to "love" the being, when it could have been any being that you'd love to me sounds far fetched.

It didn't matter "who" arrived at my aparents door, they would have grown to love anyone. But they couldn't have loved "me" they didn't "know" me.

Answer 4

Well, seeing as how separating a child from his/her mother could create an unhealthy emotional state for that child, which could last a lifetime...yeah.

Answer 5

I did meet my n-mother.  I knew her for 9 months while I was inside her uterus and I knew her for 4 months until I was adopted.  I heard her voice every day, her heartbeat rocked me to sleep, I knew her scent.

I may not have a CONSCIOUS memory of her, but the day I first spoke to her on the phone, as an adult, I can say with 100% honesty that her voice sounded as familiar to me as my own best friend's.  How could that be?  How could I recognize her voice if I had no conscious memory of it?

Because I HAD heard it before, and it was in my SUBCONSCIOUS memory.  Just because we can't bring the memories to the forefront of our minds, doesn't mean they aren't always there.

I CAN say that I loved my mother.  We share a bond...she gave me life, she created me in her uterus, she brought be into the world, we were connected via the umbilical cord.  Perhaps "modern" science hasn't been able to crack the code of the mother-child bond and all the mechanisms that play into it, but for me and my mother, the bond was a strong one.

I have loved her for who she is and what she is.  And, we HAD a history - something that the "flip side" to your question has never shared prior to that first meeting.

Answer 6

Yes; I would have to say that the same should hold true.  Unfortunately however, many do not wish to see this side of things.

Thank you for asking it.

Answer 7

What a ridiculous question (almost as ridiculous as that av)

A Adoptive parent has ZERO Attachment to the prospective adoptive baby.

Except whats in their head.

A adoptee has a BIOLOGICAL Connection to the mother that Grew her/him inside her womb for 9 mths

Seriously it is a ridiculous question and I for one am offended by it

ETA Why would you be offended by the flipside of it ?

Its pretty bizarre to love something THAT Much that you would cry a river and have a break down as some PAPS do...

Its not about the *prospective Baby/child* its about *your* wants , as in the PAPS Wants

It would be like me wanting to be married to brad pitt and being unable to atttain it..I can want it all I like but it doesnt mean I am either entitled to it, nor going to get it

:)

Answer 8

I have to say that 1 out of 75 Apparent unconditionally love their adoptee.  I met my bmother and hated the sight of her drug ridden body, no problem there.  I met my bfather and ther was an instantaneous feeling that was surely new to me.  I acted like him?  I had habits he had?  I had the same medical illnesses to the tee.  I knew he had nothing to do with me getting given away.  My adoptive parents did not love me, they were second grade foreign, and I was a housekeeper, nanny, and a person to beat.  I was glad to finally find my bfather, because he opened up my heart to love again.  I had a great 11 years until he passed, but at least I knew that all along someone loved me, and thought about me.

Answer 9

I couldn't agree more!

Answer 10

I think that answer you're talking about is faulty... but- you're going to get answers that say "But they have met their bioparents, they lived in their mommy's tummys for nine months- they know her voice, her emotions, etc."

Hmm.  Well, for the first question on your add details, I can say the argument is that people say the separation does something to the infant brain that can last a lifetime.  I can't really add much because I disagree, I think babies are more resiliant- I can't argue that for someone else, if you know what I mean.  Here's a link that might help explain it:  http://www.healingresources.info/article...

Perhaps the "connection" for some is a warm one, for others it's not?

The second comment is really interesting.  That is odd when people are sooo heated about their birthmoms.  I think that it's hurt feelings and emotions talking, when they say that they'd rather live on the streets than with their b-moms.  Perhaps those people are holding a grudge.  That would be sentencing their birthmoms to a lifetime of punishment for one decision in her life, which really doesn't make sense (to me).  I've also thought that people say that so that they can "be tough", "get to her before she gets to me", etc. and not have to face that their birthmoms really might not have wanted them- a coping mechanism of sorts.