If someone isn't effected by adoption.....?

Question

how much credit do you personally give their answers?

By someone who isn't effected by it, i mean, someone who hasn't adopted, isn't adopted, hasn't surrendered a child to adoption, or doesn't work for the system in some way shape or form ( adoption social worker, agency worker etc )

Do you think that people who haven't done any of the above should have as much "credit" in their answers compared to those who are primarily involved?

Answer 1

This is really kind of funny because yesterday my husband and I spent Easter at a good friend's house.  Another couple, with whom we have positive acquaintance, was also there.  The wife, Nancy, and I spent some time getting go know each other a little better.  We were speaking about different ways that people can reach out to others.  I said that one of the things I like to do is talk with other adopted people and help them with adoption-related issues, such as searching, whenever I can.

She is not adopted, hasn't adopted, never considered adopting, isn't a first parent, yada, yada, yada.

She basically told me that she's glad there are adoptees to help out other adoptees because she knew that not being adopted, there was no way that she could ever even pretend to know what it is or how it feels to be adopted.  It was SOOOOO nice to have someone simply acknowledge my adoption and the inability of the non-adopted to really be able to "get it" without going into all kinds of b.s. talk.

No, I do not put as much credit in responses from those not affected by adoption anymore than I would put much as credit in a response about being g*y from a straight person over a g*y person's response.

Now, that's not to say I have a problem with everyone and anyone responding to a question.  Go for it.  But, when I weigh responses, those who've been there/are there are the ones that weigh more heavily in my assessment.

Answer 2

I actually make great efforts to remember to "leave" the adoption world now and then to listen to the General Public... as in the course of day to day life and any effort to educate or change anything that has an affect on adoption or my adopted children it IS those not affected I interact with most often.....

There answers matter as much to me as anyone elses--as I can identify misconceptions or attitudes our family or our children may face as they go about life....

I think as an adoptive parent it is my obligation to be IN Tune with the understanding about Adoption that my children will feel out there---It is my job to understand what the "Average" child thinks or knows about adoption--because the "Average" child is my child's peer....

It is my obligation to listen to people who are Not Part of Adoption as the fact is there are MORE of them then people affected by adoption... and the people who are not part of adoption are far greater involved in our lives...

By listening to these people I gain a better understanding of how the world around my adopted children thinks and feels about adoption and I am able to be a better mother as a result....

Answer 3

Personally, I mainly listen to adoptees first, first mothers next, and then other aparents.  Those are the people who hold the most weight in my opinion.  I'll read others answers at times but i don't learn as much.  If you don't live the life, i don't take much credit in your answers.

I have to agree that as an aparent we don't have as much to contribute.  Its the feeling of loss that i'm most concerned with and us aparents don't really experience that.  I do find helpful parenting tips and camaraderie from fellow aparents though.

Answer 4

Depends on how much time, effort, and energy they've put into understanding it, and (just being honest here) from what angle they did their research (i.e. from the POV of the agencies or adoptees).

ETA:  Phil and Laurie, they won't let me give you a hundred thumbs up each.  Stupid Y!A

ETA2:  Sometimes even people who ARE affected by adoption don't know what the deuce they're talking about.  Just throwing that out there.

ETA3:  To Sean, if someone has done enough reading, hopefully they'll "get" that it isn't their place to know what someone else is feeling.  Understanding requires listening to what another person says, not saying, "oh, I know all about that".  I haven't been there, and can't possibly know what it feels like.  But that's part of learning about it for me...accepting that it's not my PLACE to know what it feels like.  But I can help someone better if I know OF the feelings that CAN be present.  I hope that makes sense.

Answer 5

You do not have to be a member of the triad to be affected by adoption.

Answer 6

i say those people are under informed and cant make as educated of an opinion as people who are effected by it. but they do show another opinion in the world.

my pride and joy aka my little sister who is 13 yr younger than i is adopted. people dont fully understand the emotional ties, the process, etc unless theyve been there and done that. but it's that way with pretty much everything. [cancer, death, etcc]

Answer 7

It depends.  For the most part, I'm searching for answers from experienced individuals regarding specific adoption subjects (within this group)... but some questions regarding public opinion I do give credit to.

I would like to add that I came here looking for honest, real opinions even if they differ with the norm.

Answer 8

I'm not sure if I would fall into the "isn't effected" category - I haven't adopted yet, but I will.  And my mother relinquished her son 40 years ago.

I think that there are people, like me, who are genuinely trying to understand, ask questions and hear what adoptees, mothers and APs have to say. I'm preparing to be an AP and feel it's my responsibility to understand what adult adoptees say about their adoption. I'm also very close to my mom, and it's only since we've been in the adoption process that she has given voice to what happened to her - and I want to offer her whatever support she needs.

There is a big difference between listening to and giving credit to the answers/opinions of people who have a desire to understand and/or change things and someone saying "my best friend's sister's cousin adopted and I think it's WONDERFUL and everyone should do it." That doesn't mean they don't deserve respect, because maybe they are trying to educate themselves - but I mostly give "credit" to those who are adopted, have adopted or have relinquished. That's why I come here.

Answer 9

I don't think that people who haven't been involved in adoption could possibly know what it is truely like. My first son who is now 7 was adopted out when he was 1. It took me a while but I am happy with the situation. Someone who hasent been there might say I'm a bad parent and don't love my child for being able to do that and that I'm happy. I know that my choice was the right one for all of us.

Answer 10

"By someone who isn't effected by it, i mean, someone who hasn't adopted, isn't adopted, hasn't surrendered a child to adoption, or doesn't work for the system in some way shape or form ( adoption social worker, agency worker etc )"

Are these the only people affected by adoption? I am none of these, but I have a granddaughter who was placed for adoption. Does my opinion still count?

ETA: Shelley they wouldn't let me give you 100 thumbs up! I would if I could though.

Answer 11

Not a lot of credit. It's like people who don't have kids and want to give parenting advice.  They think they have something to offer and they think they are being helpful but they really don't know what they are talking about most of the time..

Answer 12

I believe that people who haven't been around it don't entirely understand the feelings of the children and parents. I was adopted and as i grew i went back and forth in foster homes, and group homes, and it sucked. So i have first hand experience in these situations, so i have more knowledge than someone who just read up on.

Good Luck, and Happy Late Easter!!

Answer 13

Any time I read an answer that begins with:  my cousin is adopted or I had a friend who is adopted...I really give it very little weight.  

The irony in all this is that lots of people do not know that adoption does touch their lives.  My bsibling was 31 years old when my existence was revealed!

Answer 14

It depends on the question and what you are looking for.  If the question what do you think about international adoption, or opinons on the system then their opinons matter.  Now if the question is  DO adoptee ____ or do Adoptive parents ___  Then someone not affeced answers won't carry as much weight.

Answer 15

If you were going on a trip to Italy who would you want advice from a person who's actually been there, or someone who's only read about it?

There are things in life that can only be understood if experienced, or in the case of adoption, LIVED.  Since a minimum of 18 years is more than an 'experience'.

Answer 16

hmmm.  about the same as a grain of salt.

i don't have a lot of faith in adopters, bc it's really all about them, 99% of the time.

not EVERY ap, but most.

Answer 17

The same as I would give credit to:

-A hearing person who was answering a question directed to deaf people because their husband's cousin was deaf

-A white person who was answering a question directed to African Americans because their best friend was black

-An at-home mom who was answering a question directed towards women who work outside the home because she had thought about working at some point.

In other words: NONE.

I can come up with more examples but I think you get my drift. People who answer questions in the adoption section who have no personal experience with adoption don't have anything to offer here.

Answer 18

This question is directed at me.. see Gershom's additional details

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

As adoption is my only choice to have a family in the future, I think I AM affected by adoption. I am affected by adoption as much as Giaa Rainn, who nobody here has a problem answering just about any question here.

I've never tried to "answer for adoptees" or claim that I know what they're goign through. I've only ever said that we shouldn't judge people or put motives on anyone but ourselves.. I've told adoptees not to judge other adoptees who may feel (and have a right to feel) differently from them...I've said that I know adoptees who claim they do NOT feel some of the things that are commonly expressed here.. That's all I've ever said.. I've never tried to tell anyone how to feel or what to think, only to give tolerance to other people's opinions and not try to slander them or put motives on them, which happens alot here.. (case in point: What is an AP's worst fear regarding bparents.. Answer: that they'll take away their baby!!) That is absurd to assume we can understand or guess ANYONE ELSE'S thoughts/motives/feelings. That's all I've ever said.. if I have to be an adoptee/ap/bmom to know that everyone's different, then... wow!!

Another case in point:  "for AP's it's all about them 99% of the time".. you can NOT know "what it's about" for ANYONE but you...

I simply suggested that you use your energy and zeal to work the reforms that are badly needed, rather than worrying about nit-picky terminology.. I belive that you DO work for reforms, and I respect you for it.. but it just seems like a waste of time and a misdirection of your energy to worry about terminology like you did in those two questions.. It doesn't make you appear to really be worrying about reforms, as much as worrying about slandering PAPs and APs.. that's all I was trying to say..

Answer 19

Just because a person is not a member of the adoption triumvirate, it does not mean that they can't have a perfectly valid, meaningful viewpoint on adoption.   I am an adoptive parent, and am more than willing to listen what ANYONE has to say about adoption or any other subject.  

Aside from this, because adoption is such a common phenomenon in our country, almost everyone KNOWS a family touched by adoption.  They can certainly form opinions and base observations on what they have seen.

Answer 20

I think in general when anybody has been involved in a situation personally, based on their experience alone gives them more insight.

Anybody can have an opinion on something but I would say that I may consider taking somebody's opinion who's been there/done that more to heart than somebody who is talking on something based on their own personal morals or opinions at the time.

I'm a very open-minded person so it's not that I will completely throw away somebody's opinion who hasn't been there or done that but they will have to work harder in validating their point.

Answer 21

This may not make sense but here goes:

As an adoptive parent I cannot be given more credit than anyone else, affected by adoption or not, when asking or answering any question not related to my own experience.

Answer 22

So we have to be "affected" by it to discuss it?

Answer 23

I think it depends on the specific answer.  Someone can have something very wise, insightful or meaningful without being affected personally by adoption.  I won't automatically discount something said because of that.

Answer 24

As I am not a minority, I do not define for minorities what racism is.  I listen to them to define it for me.

As I am not a woman, I do not define for women what sexism is.  I listen to them to define it for me.

As I am not g*y, I do not define for the GLBTQ community was homophobia (and other related issues) is.  I listen to them to define it for me.

And I would think the same is true here.  If we are talking about problems with adoption, I think those people who experience those problems first hand ought to be the ones defining and discussing the problems.  (There are some questions, about law, and the like, where someone need not have a connection to adoption in order to have valuable input.  But I assume we're talking about describing and discussing the heart of the matter.)

Answer 25

I think that anyone can have a discussion about adoption.  Anyone is entitled to their opinions and in this day and age typically at the least you know of someone who adopted. Why not?

Answer 26

i'm torn on this answer, gersh...

i honestly think that certain questions are beyond the scope of even people who were impacted by adoption.  for instance, questions about adoptees, i feel, i am unqualifed to answer.  hence, i usually don't.   yet, respond with empathy and support. however, questions about pre-birth matching, changing minds, adoption coercion, minority adoption, or pregnancy, labor and delivery, i am very capable of answering.

where i do find my dander raised, is when people who have never been pregnant, or delivered a baby or relinquished a baby, or haven't contemplated relinquishing a baby are so sure that adoption is a cakewalk.  also i become moderately hostile when i read how the experiences of pregnant and birthing women (eg. post partum depression) are either marginalized or co-opted by amoms. oh...and the commodification of babies and the entitlement to another's child is beyond deplorable. these people get under my skin in a way i can't explain without being reported to yahoo. and i have no problem voicing (writing) what i think about them.

i think that only those with experience and/or empathy with adoption are most qualified to answer. yet, even within that category, there are still those who are unqualified, IMO, to give advice, depending on the questions asked.

ETA: tarrojen mentioned another issue i have with posters: the "vicarious" adoption experience.  i get annoyed when people purport, based on the observations of others how wonderful adoption is.

Answer 27

People who have experience, can share that experience and knowledge.  Of course, the fact about yahoo answers is that it is open for replies from anyone, sometimes even garbage.  

Even those who HAVE directly been involved.. are not going to have the exact same opinion or feelings towards the topic.

I am not clear on what you mean by "credit".  You post a question, and you select what is the best answer. If you don't pick one, it does go to voting, and persons will have their opinion there, as well.

Anything that has a factual answer is going to be fact, or not. Opinions are not always right/ wrong.. and you have to consider where they are coming from.

Answer 28

No they should not have as much credit. I was adopted, my 3 brothers and my dad were adopted and I know the whole load of emotions that come with the whole thing. No one who is not involved with adoption or foster parenting should be given any credit. They have no idea what it is like at all.

Answer 29

It's only their option...credit is given where credit is due!  It's something earned not given!

Answer 30

I think everyone's opinion is just that, an opinion.  Do I look at the source to see how they fit in the adoption spectrum?  Yep.  I want to know what other people in my situation, in my children's situation and in my children's bio parents situation have gone through and look through their eyes.  (not taht I always agree but....)

But I guess other people can have credit as you say, and I like that they are involved in the discussion....I just take everything with a grain of salt.