If the natural mother wants her child back and you refuse, what do you tell the child when he or she asks?

Question

People say they would not give back a child to her natural parent(s) because it would adversely affect the child, but what would you possibly tell the child later when he or she asks why she was adopted? Would you lie and say it was because the mom did not want/ could not take care of the child or would you tell the truth and say 'she wanted you but we refused to give you back because we really wanted a child'? Wouldn't this affect the child more severely than if you'd just given him or her back?

Answer 1

I assume you mean the natural mother wanting the baby/child back before her reclaim window has closed. Not say  the natural mother decides2, 3, 5 years etc after the adoption she wants her natural child back

Answer 2

My mother went through a situation like this. Only with my grandmother, it was supposed to be a temporary thing ... my mother had joined the military and at the time you had to make sure someone had guardianship of your children. So my mother gave her mom temporary custody and less then a year later when my mother wanted my sister back my grandmother refused to sign the papers giving her back. When my sister was 5 my mother asked her if she wanted to leave and just go away (before i was born), but my sister told her, that my grandmother said ... if my mother ever took her away she'd call the police and have her sent to jail. My mother asked my sister if she wanted to come leave with us when she was about 8 and she said no.There were a lot of things said about why my grandmother had her 27 years later not all of them are known, but my sister and mother are just starting to have a good relationship.

Answer 3

I'd like to know the answer to that question myself

As an adoptee, if I ever found out that my parents intentionally kept me from my capbable and loving mother who very much wanted me, I would lose all respect for them and would probably cut them out of my life altogether.

Time will tell what the fallout from these situations will be in the future.

I remember the huge who-ha with the 'baby Jessica' case - where the PAPs were eventually ordered to return the baby to her mother amongst great uproar about "tearing her from the only parents she had ever known" (only because they refused to return her and tried to get time on their side)

Well, 'baby Jessica' is an adult now and was raised by her real parents.   She has no memory of the adopters who tried to keep her from her family.  None.

Babies belong with their natural parents, wherever possible and people need to put their selfish needs aside and just 'do the right thing'

Answer 4

I think it depends at what age the baby is that the natural parents wanted it back, and the legality of the adoption. If it's a legal adoption, the adoptive parents have all the rights to keep the child. I was adopted as a baby myself, and my parents always said that I was given up because my mother couldn't take care of me - i think that's nicer than saying they didn't want you.

Answer 5

There are a lot of factors that go along with your questions... like what age the baby was when it was adopted, how old they were when the real parents wanted it back, etc.  As long as you can give that baby a wonderful life - the best that it deserves, there's no reason to even think about giving the baby back.  I know that I wouldn't... you don't "rent" babies and then take them back when you're ready to be a parent.  If you can't afford or take care of a baby, don't make them... nothing's immaculate anymore.

Adoption is not a bad thing... I mean, I always grew up telling people that I was adopted, when my brother and I first found out that we were adopted, maybe 5-6 years old, we'd go everywhere and tell everyone that we were adopted.  Everyone's response was, "that's so wonderful" or "congratulations" ... so it became a good thing, something that you got attention for, in a positive way.  I didn't know any different then and I thank God that I didn't... and sure there are times that I wonder about my real parents but I wouldn't go back to them... my parents now have even said that they'd help us (my brother and I) find them and I have no desire to, if I did, it'd be a Saturday lunch type of thing, nothing anywhere near permanent.  

So... to answer your questions:

- I would say that the parent couldn't take care of them because you don't just give your kids up when you're capable of taking care of them.  Like I said, they're babies, not things you can't rent out and then then take back when you want them.

And no, it'd affect the parent more... having the rug pulled out from under you like that?  The parents adopting KNOW they want the baby... the parents giving up the baby, not so much... that's like teaching a dog everything it knows and then having to give it away... it's become a part of you, those are your ideals and your morals and your lessons and the time that you spent teaching that child everything that YOU know, is priceless.  

I don't have a kid by the way, I just want one... LOL

Answer 6

The adoptive parent can tell them whatever. The bond is now severed between biological parent and the child.

If I was the adoptive parent, I would never tell the child that the mother didn't want the child even if she did not want him back, only that at the birth she could not care for him and wished to give him a better life. Which would be true.

Answer 7

unfortunately, most--i believe--would simply lie to the child regarding the circumstances of his or her fmoms desire to parent.  the reason for this, is because most do not take into account the feelings of the child (who is basically a commodity).

there are countless stories of fmoms who changed their minds and wanted to parent. many of these women (myself included) were told bogus tales of "fanthom laws and policies" that seemed to appear from nowhere, prohibiting them from changing their mind, mandatory reporting to CPS, repaying to aparents for any expenses received during the pregnancy, et al.  furthermore, many adoptees were told, in reunion, that their fmoms WANTED contact or to parent them, yet were denied, and threatened with legal action (they could be sued), innodated with cryptic "legal-ese"; and simply gave up.

the bottom line, most people who adopt are not very interested in  the natal bond. especially if the mother wants her child back.  primarily because it's counter-intuitive, it's not in their best interest and many simply believe that a signed reliquishment completely erases the rights of the fmom.

Answer 8

Good question.  I often wonder what people trolling for babies on the internet tell their kids when they are old enough to understand.  I often wonder if prospective adoptive parents tell their grown children how they promised open adoption to the bmom and then renegged on the deal.

As an adoptee, it would make me seriously reconsider any trust that I had in my aparents.  Whose "best interests" were they considering when they made the decision to keep me?

Answer 9

I love my daughter , i want her back, i have wanted her back since I left the hospital without. I cried the next day, begged to see her and even though it was an open adoption i got told no. now it has been 7 years, i am preparing to sue because i dont get the pictures and videos i was promised in the open adoption. I cant see my child  the least i could get my pictures and videos but nope. And i will get them, i guess the adoptive mother thought she could do whatever since she is rich. But now i have the money to fight for what i was promised and i intend to.

Answer 10

If they refuse and its been a small amount of time, they should be guilty of kidnapping in my book because they don't have the childs best interests at hand.

A couple of weeks, a month, they need to give the baby back.

My mom tried to get me back. The state told her it was too late and that I had already been adopted, she never was in contact with my aparents, but at that time, i was in foster care. My aparents hadn't even met me.

The state will have to answer to me one day, I guarantee it.

ETA: and can I get an AMEN to mamaKate above my answer. Her answer kicks hiney! What WILL the adopters of children who's parents have fought for them say when their adoptees google their names in 10 years.

Answer 11

I am assuming you mean adoptive parents that refuse to give the child back to the first family within the legal timeframe window.

I think this is an awful thing and I couldn't guess as to what the adoptive parents would tell the child, later in life.  I imagine that if/when the adoptee has a reunion with the first family, this would really cause the f***s to hit the proverbial fan.

On the other end of it, if a first family shows up years down the road, I can't see any adoptive family just saying "Okay, no problem!  Here you go!" And I don't think they should.  It would be terribly traumatizing to take a child away from his/her family, years after the adoption was finalized.  

If that situation ever were to happen, I would home some sort of "open adoption" could happen, to keep the first family in the child's life, but not compromising the parental roles of the adoptive family.

My opinion.

Answer 12

Well my children's original parents do want their children back, they just weren't willing to get off drugs to do it.  If they showed up in three years clean and sober, well it is too late.  I am currently undoing all the damage they did in the first five years of life.  Will I celebrate their sobriety?  Yep?  Will I perhaps allow visits, sure, but I would not "give" the children back, they are legally part of my family.  When the children ask, I would tell them (as I do now) that their parents were not able to take care of them, and if they cleaned up later, i will tell them, but that it is too late.  Parents had two eyars to clean up and they didn't.  I will of course be respectful, but realize my children are older so they already know about their history so I don't really need to spell it out for them.

Answer 13

leave it to the child, if the child truly loves you and you truly love the child then god will take care of you, if the natural mother is crazy, tell her read the 12 steps to a.a. i learned a lot from this

Answer 14

First of all, if the adoption is finalized and legal, it would be a matter for the courts to decide, period.  You can't simply give up a child who is legally yours.  Secondly, what would it say to the child if you just gave her back without any effort?  Would she not feel abandoned and traumatized?  I would say the ideal situation in a case where the child has already bonded with the adoptive parents would be for the first mother to have visitation rights.  (or the other way around)  The child should be able to benefit from the love of both mothers who have loved them.  Ideally, both mothers would want the child to be loved and cared about by all the people in her life.  In my opinion that would be the healthiest way to handle it.  That is only if the adoption has been finalized and all the legal avenues were properly followed.

Answer 15

I am a single mom of a 19 year old son I gave birth to, whose father abandoned us the day I found out I was pregnant, and a 7 1/2 month old I adopted.  I will handle my adopted son's explanations in the future the same way I handled my 19 year old's.  

I always told my son, "If he had held you and known you like I did, he would have loved you.  He didn't know what he did when he left, and when people make mistakes, it's really hard to undo them."

At age 17, my son wanted to meet his dad, who I knew lived in North Carolina, so off we went.  Based on internet searches, we found an old address, and was pointed into the right direction.  Luckily, his dad had changed, and didn't know how to introduce himself into our son's life.  They now have a decent relationship, and are growing closer.  People change no matter what, and my son is still close with my fiance, who has been around several years, and he tells his dad, Jerry was there for me.  

Also, in most states, there is a backing out time.  Birth mothers are given contracts for the adoption, and in our state, the countdown begins at birth and goes for 10 days.  Why not say, "your first mom wasn't able to keep you at first, and by the time she said she wanted you back, we had already been raising you, and loved you, and you were our son then.  Just remember, we all love you and wanted what was best, and I hope you agree that we all did what we thought was best for you."

Answer 16

Ok, speaking as an adoptee who's birth mother had second thoughts and wanted me back 14 years AFTER the fact, I can honestly say that once a person makes the choice to hand over their child, and sign papers giving said child to new parents, then the choice has been made. there is and shouldn't be any going back.. it could traumatize the child to tear them away from a loving home and yet another mother/father. I was lucky, I had a choice once she admitted she did indeed want me back, and I chose my parents who had loved and raised me since I was but a baby. No regrets other than I would like to know my birth more as a person, and not only as the woman who had me, gave me up then changed her mind way too late.

If a birth mother DOES change her mind, then she should consider doing as mine did.. wait, and let the child make that choice, and the adoptive parents meanwhile, can tell the child how special they were, and how wanted  and loved they were from all sides, the birth, and adoptive parents, that wouldn't be a lie. Takes real and true love to know when ya just can't provide for a baby, and to find it parents and a home that can give it what it needs.

Answer 17

So we want to return a child to a woman who freely and voluntarily permanently relinquished her child, because she suddenly changes her mind?  What has changed?  And -- What happens the next week when she again decides she cannot parent?

Answer 18

Each state has its own "waiting" period for the birthmother to change her mind.  In some states, it is only 3 days!  If the time period is up for the birthmother's rights, then the child to be adopted should remain with the adoptive parents.  In the state my son was born, the birthmother only had 30 days.  The state we lived, the child had to live in our home 6 months before the adoption could become final...The rights of the birthmother by law go by the state the child was born.  The waiting period is always so scary...especially, if it is a private adoption.  Some children go into a foster home before the adoptive parents receive their child, this way the birthmother's rights are terminated and the adoptive parents should have no worry about the biological mother coming back on the new family.  So to answer your question...The new family should keep the child!  You should always tell your child he/she has been adopted.  You can do this through stories, pictures, etc.  Just let them know a wonderful woman had them for you to love, when you were not able to have them.

Answer 19

In part it depends on when she asked. If it was after 2 days, I  I would give the child back (it would be incredibly hard). If it was after  2 years,I  would not. I would tell my child that her birthmom had chosen us to be the parents, and by the time she changed her mind we were the parents, and just couldn't let her go.

All you could tell the child is that you loved her too much to give her back.  If you honestly felt the birthmom wouldn't be a good parent (not the case for us) then you might say that too, but it depends on the situation, since you would have to explain  it to the child. For example if you said "she was taking drugs and it wouldn't be safe for you", that would be okay, but I certainly wouldn't lie about it or make something up.

Answer 20

Assuming you are talking about a newborn adoption, I would say that these kinds of horrible, selfish people have no business raising children. (People like the Needhams and the Bakers, who should be serving jail time.) They should never be approved in the first place. These are people who are so full of issues from not having accepted infertility to entitlement type egos and should have been screened out before being allowed to adopt. They are obviously not mentally or emotionally stable enough to be a good parent.

How could you ever explain to a child that your needs are more important than the feelings or needs of anyone else? What kind of example is that for a kid?! I am always concerned when I hear about these cases whether these kinds of people can ever put the child first. Will they choose their own comfort and needs over those of the child? Signs point to YES. I imagine people like this taking the last lifeboat seat on the Titanic and leaving the child to save themselves.

Especially in cases where it has been publicized - there is no way to lie or sweet talk your way out of that! Imagine the devastation on the part of these children when they find out!!

(Holly & Tyler - I know your mommy loves you and I hope someday you can go home to her...)

Answer 21

My son was removed from his original fathers home due to abuse and neglect. His original mother abandoned him when he was less than a year old. So,l obviously, I would not let her have him and I would tell him the truth and feel good about my decision.

Now, if I adopted an infant and the original parents came back, I think alot would depend on the amount of time that has passed. If i was a relatively short time, I would, if i was years later, I don't think I could. But, I would allow them to be a part of my child's life.

So, I guess I wouldn't have to explain it to the child.

Answer 22

Depends on the situation.  If the child was abused and taken by the state, then you can explain it more thoroughly that their mother was not ready, even though she thought she was.

If it was a private/agency adoption.  "Well, you're real mom wanted you back, but since I'm a greedy wanna be parent, I felt it was MY best interest to keep you."

Answer 23

What I want to know is, how can the adoptive parents look at themselves and their partners and think what they did was okay?  In the cases where the biological father is contesting the adoption, yet the AP's refuse to relinquish the child, well I just think that is wrong.  I know that they have been waiting all these years or whatever for a child, but...you are right, how can you explain that to a child?  Stupid and selfish is all I can think of for an answer.  The right, good and ethical thing to do is give the baby back to the biological parents.  Surely you cannot be that desperate that you literally have to steal a child?  I mean, I know you are, but you can't really like yourself after something like that.  Especially since there are all ready so many children who need homes who get overlooked because they are not brand spanking new babies.

Answer 24

I'd go with the truth but I'd word it differently.  And you also have to adjust for age appropriateness.

Just explain to her that adoption doesn't mean you're raising someone else's child.  Adoption means you love this child as your own.  And then explain that you felt this the first time you laid eyes on her.

Then tell the truth about the mom wanting her back.  But say you wouldn't do this because she's your child.  And you wouldn't give her to anyone else, either.

When she gets older, she'll understand this better.