If there are adoptive parents who support most if not all the ideas expressed by adoptees on this sight...?

Question

then why are people still making generalizations towards all adoptive parents? Like "we want adoptees silenced".

Also, is it not hypocritical to tell us not to answer certain questions, when in the same breath your asking not to be silenced?

If I have an adopted child and I support adoptees rights, and I try to be sensitive to all the issues that go along with being an adoptee, shouldn't I be able to speak for my son on his behalf? Your asking parents not to speak about issues they will be dealing with with their own children. Is that not hypocritical?

I'm not trying to bait. I really want to know why we shouldn't be answering certain questions.

Answer 1

who are you talking about? maybe you should take it up with that person. How'd that break do for you?

The reason I get annoyed occasionally ( not always, just sometimes ) is when someone comes in here and speaks on behalf of adoptees, but doesn't really "get it" because he or she isn't an adoptee.

My aunt would say that I'm very grateful to be adopted and don't have any issues with it.

kwim?

Answer 2

I do not see your question as baiting at all.

First, your question is exactly why I always double check that I post qualifiers, such as, "some" or "a few" or "not all".  There are some wonderful adoptive parents here and in my family and circle of friends!  We ALL need to work together for reform.

Second, some questions ask about how adoptees feel.  Unless one is an adoptee how could anyone else know how it feels to be adopted?  Yet, I see answers from people (and not all of them are adoptive parents!!) who try to speak for adoptees.  I think that it wrong to presume that one knows how adoptees feel merely from reading materials that are written from the point of view of adoption industry workers or adoption parents.  Where do adoptees get their voice?

Answer 3

To me, it seems ridiculous that the asker HAS to remind people not to answer the question unless they've experienced what has been asked.

Example (phony question):  "Can someone tell me if it's difficult  growing up as a g*y child?"

And I, as a straight woman answer, "Well, I'm not g*y, but my sister's hairdresser is, and he had a nice childhood!"

Third hand, assuming they know intimate feelings of a stranger.  What's even crazier, is many accept this ill-informed opinion as fact.

Answer 4

I agree.  I hate the generalizations that are made here in this forum.  Whether it be that all adoptees are supposedly angry, or all bio parents are crack addicts, or all APs are self-serving "entitled" barren couples.  It's ridiculous.  Some may be those things, but it certainly isn't fair to assume that everyone is.

For us, I worry about some of the reforms only because of the effect it may have on my son since he came from a situation of neglect.  That doesn't mean that I don't support the overall concept of reform - I just like to share both sides of the issue for consideration.  For example, I don't want my son's bio family having the right to just look him up whenever they choose.  I want HIM to have that right when he feels he is ready and prepared to tackle what may lie ahead.  

I do try to be respectful and try not answer questions that are posed directly to adoptees.  Sometimes however I make a mistake and miss that it was directed to adoptees.  And I do admit that sometimes I feel that maybe my son's story because it is not the "perfect" story might help to shed some additional light, but I try to put that information into my answer and apologize for answering.  I do find it ironic however that the same people who complain about APs answering questions are typically the same people who answer when the question is posed directly to APs.  It is a huge double standard that is on this forum, but it is public and everyone has a voice so I take it with a grain of salt.  

I have said it 100 times before, and I will continue to say it, each adoption journey is as unique as the faces of the people involved.  One person's story should not make another one any less important.  We just need to keep it respectful.

Answer 5

I completely support adoptee rights and adoption reform, heck my mother is an adoptee and I am way more vocal for their rights than she is.

I have noticed that because I am a PAP that it is assumed that I atomatically want to "silence adoptees."

With my mothers permission I tell her story, I don't find that the least bit hypocritical, just because it's not first hand doesn't make it any less true.

It would be nice if we could do away with the generalizations and name calling.  These tactics are used to intentionally invalidate anothers feelings and experiences.

Answer 6

I'm a loudmouth & I'll answer any question I want to thank you. Not to soundy nasty towards you personally, but no one will be telling me where I can or cannot answer in a public forum

*** I'm agreeing with you that we shouldnt be silenced, sorry if I wasn't clear about that

Answer 7

OOps, I think I said that, sorry.  It was not intended as a generalization of all adoptive parents; I am aware there are some really cool adoptive parents out there

I just don't like anyone speaking on my behalf.  It happens alot in adoption, you must've noticed that, surely.  People saying what is in adoptees best interests and how it feels to be adopted (when they're not) etc.   As an adoptee I'll decide what is in my best interest and what I'm better off not knowing KWIM

Apologies if it came over that way

ETA   Here's a little example of the 'shut up and be grateful' attitude

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 8

This is how i try to look at it.  Some of my children are African  & African American, so i have some insight into racism in America.  I do not live my life 24/7 as an African American so i will never truly know what it is like to walk in my children's shoes.  It would be condesending for me to assume that i do.  The same goes for adoption.

Sure there are some questions that are open to all of us but some questions only an adoptee can really answer because they live it 24/7.  Thats just my opinion on this.

Answer 9

For the most part, I do not have an issue with you or BPD Wife ( she knows this).  I take issue with the folks that still continue to spew this confidentiality thing and the entitlement.  We do have folks trolling for babies on this sight.  Believe me I bet money that the adoption agencies and attorneys watch this site hoping and praying to prey on that woman.  Your answers are very respectful.  Its the shut up and be grateful things that stir me up.  I see that its stirring you folks up as well.  Its the Roe vs. Wade being thrown back in our faces when these folks obviously don't have a clue or they would know better.  I think the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and NARAL all need to realize that adoptees can be females too.