If there is bonding in utero, is it also possible that babies "know" at birth if they are unwanted?

Question

Before everyone starts screaming - I am NOT saying that all adoptions are about "unwanted" children. However, if there is bonding in utero, is it safe to assume that in a situation where a child is perceived as an inconvenience or "mistake" by the bio-parent that the newborn can sense that too at birth?

I ask because I was pleasingly surprised with how quickly my son bonded to me when we brought him home. I never really thought much about it until the debate on Y!A about bonding started. I am wondering if my son possibly sensed the problems of his bio-family while in utero and that is why we had such a positive experience with our bonding as an adoptive family. What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

I think the child certainly could feel something akin to rejection, though I'm not sure exactly how that would be perceived by the infant.  (They wouldn't have the concepts of inconvenience or mistake.)

But that wouldn't explain a positive experience with you.  That would lead to more pain by the child, and likely less willingness to trust others, if the child has already experienced rejection once.

At the risk of sounding like a jerk (which is NOT my intent), how do you know your son bonded quickly to you?  You may have bonded to him, but how can you be so sure that your interpretation of his reactions as bonding are accurate?

I would really recommend you read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier.  She is an adoptive mother and a psychologist.  I think you might find it useful.

Edited to Add: Noodles, I was around it.  I too was a baby in a woman's arms.  It's not only women who were infants.  (The question wasn't about the mother bonding with the child.  The question was about infants bonding with mothers.  READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.)

BPD Wife, in reference to what you've said elsewhere, many of THESE answers DO reflect people's personal feelings rather than research.  While personal feelings should not be discounted, since you asked for proof of the bonding experience, I can only, again, recommend "The Primal Wound."

Answer 2

I firmly believe that while there are "unwanted" pregnancies, no baby is truly unwanted, even in a tough situation.  Especially because abortion is a legal option.  And even then, that difficult decision is almost always made because the woman feels she has NO OTHER choice.  

I got pregnant at 16 by the first "boy" I dated seriously. My birth control failed. SURPRISE!  We talked about our options, including abortion.  In the end, we chose to get married & have our baby.  The pregnancy was unplanned.  Having our daughter was our choice.  

Do babies sense their mom's stress in utero?  Probably.  That theory has been around since before I was pregnant with my daughter.  

Human beings are extremely resilient.  Author & psychoanalyst Alice Miller, who wrote a series of books on child abuse, believes that children can heal any trauma if  allowed to express it and have their feelings validated.  It is when children are taught to deny their painful emotions and be silent that emotional damage occurs.  

"One of the most powerful healing forces is available to every parent is empathy. Empathy allows a person, even a tiny baby, to feel her feelings, rather than repress them, so they can be released."  Marcy Axness, Phd

http://www.quantumparenting.com/docs/wsg...

Yes, babies can form a close, loving bond with their adoptive parents. Even older adopted children bond with their parents. That doesn't mean a child experiences no sense of loss by being separated from birth mom.

P.S. Babies inherit more than just their looks from birth parents!  They also inherit personality traits. Those traits are enhanced or minimized by environment.  According to my bio-dad's wife and the daughter who grew up with him, I have facial expressions & gestures just like my birth father, even though I didn't spend much time with him (before he died).  I also have traits of my dad who raised me.

Answer 3

Yes, definitely. Everything is passed to the baby in intero, nourishment, the mother's emotions, her physical state and also her intellectual capacity. When she is taking care of herself physically, emotionally and intellectually, her baby also is enjoying her exuberant health and contentment.

Answer 4

If a baby is able to sense it's mother's stress and respond to it in the womb then I think it makes sense that a baby would also sense rejection.

I have to side with Phil about how this could affect bonding with other people. If you are adopting an older child then this could even be a sign of an attachment disorder. Kids with attachment disorders will sometimes bond indiscriminately, even inappropriately. This is why education is so crucial for new adoptive parents.  Sometimes I wonder if I would have been different had my a-parents seen that I was having problems and tried to help me through them. It is really hard to fix a 30 year old problem. I would much rather people try to prevent these things from the start.

Answer 5

One of the best references I know of:-

Dr. Thomas Verny, “The Secret Life of the Unborn Child”

edit:  I think some people mistake falling in love and attachment for maternal bonding.

Answer 6

I dont for one mintue believe that babies Know what is happening at the time of an adoption! Its ludacris. (gunna get soo much stick for this).

Yeah the baby might have genetic traits, but only in looks!

I have the look of my birth mother, but i have the personallity of my dad (adoptive dad)!

Your little one will have bonded with you, because YOU are his mother and thats it. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

Adoptive parents ARE the adoptees parents. They are bringing the child up as their own. The child is bount to take on personality and things.

Just because the blood isnt there, doesnt mean that the adoptive parents cant be good parents.

I have the best relationship with my mum and dad.

How would that be if I had bonded with my birth mother??

I can honestly and truly say, that i dont feel any loss or anything like that.

Good question

Answer 7

not shore but with adoption it impels that your not wonted anyway for most of the adopters i know and it was for me.

my birth mum told me a few things when i saw her (not shore that they are all true or not) but she said that she did wont to keep me but due to things bond her control the adoption went through and what her said some was true i am shore of that as it did match up with the laws at the time. but unless you meat them your always going to wonder why was I not good enuf to be loved by my birth mum and/or dad

Answer 8

Well, our daughter was 9 months old when she was placed with us, but I can tell you what I observed in her.  I do think that newly adopted children often sense that their new parents have a different level of commitment to them than just any random stranger they might be handed to.  (Not that it isn't tragically hard to have to suddenly live with and be taken care of by people you have never met - my daughter cried for 4 days).  I also think you're right that they may sense their birthmother's conflicted feelings and show discomfort at that.  Our daughter did at our meeting with her birthparents.  Interestingly, though, our daughter was very serene and quiet when her birthfather held her.

Answer 9

I don't know about "knowing" at birth if they are unwanted, but if their emotional needs are not met, then all kinds of poor physical and emotional outcomes can be expected. For instance, even in good orphanages where the physical needs of infants are met (nutrition, cleanliness), there is insufficient snuggling. These children may die from "failure to thrive" or become detached.  John Bowlby did much research on attachment between infant and child and when the mother did not respond consistently to the child's needs evidentually the child became detached. Their efforts to seek a relationship with their mother slowly weakened. Any mother is not ready for whatever reason to meet the emotional needs of her infant should consider alternatives.

Answer 10

There is an old saying:  Kids and dogs know who love them.  How do they know this?  Well, they just do.  

I definitely think the typical, healthy baby will pick up on emotions, feelings, sensations:  positive or negative.  I also think we all have an irresistible urge to be or feel loved and nurtured.  Therefore, in the absence of the organic bond of mother and child, I think babies will accept, as a matter of self-preservation, someone else.  Just because that bond forms slowly and over time does not mean it is any less real or comforting.

Answer 11

Yes.  I believe there is a bonding in utero and the child does pick up a lot before birth.

There's another possibility that you didn't mention. The bio parent psychologically could be attempting to prepare herself and the baby to be relinquished before birth.

If that is the case then perhaps the child 'knows' that his new parents are not the one who's tummy he is in.

That is what I did.  I constantly talked to my baby, wanting him to know that he would have different parents.  I don't know if it helped, but it might have.

I know there still has got to be some grief even in the best possible circumstances.