If u adopted through cps, what do u tell them about birthmother?

Question

I was just curious, my 3 oldest children were adopted out fro cps,I gave m rights in the end. there most definatly was not physical abuse or neglect where they wern't takn care of. I just smoked alot of weed and was real young (19 wit 3 kids). what do you tell tha kids about their birthmom? I love my kids so much, thats why i signed tha papers. they promised they would be adopted. give them a real chance. (i kno for a fact they were.) do u tell them that she loved them or just the bad things? even if they never look 4 me, I don't want them to hate me. thnx!

Answer 1

Hopefully the adoptive parents never ever say bad things about you.  If they are of sound mind they will know not to do this.  Your children are direct extensions of you and when a child hears bad things about their biological parents they feel that they are bad too.  You can probably rest assured that the adoptive parents will only state that you were young and you loved them enough seek a better life for them.

Answer 2

Um, ok.

I think it depends what your children remember.  If your children remember that you were smoking weed and neglecting them, then it would be best that the adoptive parents VALIDATE their experience and feelings.  It is not saying you are a bad mother, it is supporting what the children feel.  And if they remember, they might think you are a bad mother....you abandoned them.  But they have the right to feel that way.

If the children remember nothing, then it is fine to say "Your mother loved you very much blah, blah, blah."

I remember alot of what happened to me.  And ****, if my foster parents ever did not validate my experiences and feelings about my bio-parents, I would have freaked out.  Most kids are filled with love and hate for their bio-parents.  It is only appropiate that they be allowed to have those feelings and that the "new" parents support those feelings.

Answer 3

You tell them the truth, in a way that helps them to understand but does not make them dislike or hate their first moms.

My middle son's, first mother had a drug addition. We were told that she was a good person, would have been a excellent mom, if not for the addiction, this is what we shared with him, the truth, but also the good things we were told about his first mom. This was shared with him, when he asked, at a age, that he could understand.

Answer 4

If you insult the child's parents, you're insulting the child.  The natural parents, no matter how they may have acted, are still a part of that little person.  If you can't show, and FEEL respect for the natural parents, you shouldn't adopt.

If your kids' adoptive parents speak of you disrespectfully, shame on them.  How do they think that will make your kids feel about themselves, to think the people they were created from are "bad"?  I hope that most adoptive parents understand that it's NEVER ok to be disrespectful about first parents.

I'm so sorry you lost your babies.  I hope that you are able to reconnect with them one day.  It sounds to me like there was no reason to separate you from your children.  You would have made a fine mother.

Answer 5

My two brothers were adopted from the state.  Their biological parents were....  difficult.  Their biological father was a vietnamm vet with alot of mental problems.  The biological mother was...  worse.  She was probably mentally ill.  She did drugs and drank all through her pregnancies.  My brothers were her 3rd and 5th children (of 7 total).  (considering they're only about 17 months apart, this took some doing).  The older was kept on the street with her for about six months before he was taken away because of neglect.  The younger was born (probably early) in public toilet...  the mother took him immedialtely to a hospital and left him there.  What can you tell children in this situation except the facts.  My parents tried, mostly, to just tell my brothers as little as possible beyond "Your parents couldn't take care of you".  Unfortunately, they had an additional problem, namely ME.  My brothers were handicapped, and they somehow had to explain this to me.  The youngest of their biological siblings was not.  (We kept in touch with the two born after my younger brother... and their adoptive parents).  I was a very observant child, and you couldn't put much past me.  Even worse.  The younger of my brothers was constantly was mentally ill (on top of fetal alcohol syndrome).  He was very depressed in his adolecence and always thought the grass was greener on the other side...  no matter what the "other side" was.  He always wanted to run away and look for his biological parents....  so eventually more and more of the truth had to be told to him.  He had to be told that his parents lived on the street, that his mother had hurt him by drinking while she was pregnant, that his mother had left him and never even tried to look for him again.  

No parent wants to tell their adoptive child that they come from anything but the best.  However, most do eventually have to tell the truth, and if the truth is really ugly - then it's ugly.  If your children hate you because of things you really did, then they do - but rest assured that your children's adoptive parents most likely won't try to slander you unduly.  The worst your children will be told is the truth, and they'll try to shelter them even from that as much as possible.  If you have gotten your life back together, then maybe when your children are adults, there will be a way for you to renew a relationship with them and patch up old wounds.  You'll have to accept that they have a new person now to fill the role of mother - but that doesn't mean you can't have a role as friend.  Even my one brother who is very content with his life would, I think, like to meet his biological parents one day.  This isn't because he feels a lack - he loves us as his family and we love him - but because he is very spiritual.  He's never come out and said it - retarded as he is - but sometimes I think he would like to meet them.  I think he would like to find his mom one day and say "Hey, look at me!  I forgive you for what you did, I forgive you for hurting me because I'm doing ok!  You can be proud of me."  

The other brother - the one who is not so content, I KNOW he would like to meet his biological parents because he says so.  I think that reunion would be a much less happy one however.  He has far too idealized a view, and he holds too much anger in his heart for the way his life has gone.  So far his biological parents have never been the focus for his wrath, but that's only because they've never been present.  I'm pretty sure that the moment they are flesh and blood there would be sparks (in large part, because almost no one can be in the same room with him for more than an hour before there are sparks - he's just in alot of pain, and that means he's very volitile).  

It really doesn't matter though.  Even knowing her name, it's unlikely the boys could ever find her.  In fact, given her lifestyle, it's unlikely she's even still alive.  But you ARE alive.  You can still make sure you keep your life positive so that when they are adults, they will have the chance to understand, forgive, and work through any issues that might be lingering.  Don't be afraid.  Even if there is anger and hate - forgiveness can always be found eventually if you really want it.

Answer 6

I gave up my oldest(now 11)when I was 18. I was going through a rough time and couldn't care for her. I also did some drugs.

I am now in contact with her and she says her parents told her that I made some bad choices(none of them were having her)and I just couldn't take care of her.

But I don't know if that's the case with your children's adoptive parents. I hope it is, but you never know. I learned that you never say it was the child's fault or the parent is a bad person.

And you are a good person for giving your kids a chance. You love them, that's why you gave them up. I loved my daughter and that's why I gave her up.

Good luck and god bless honey! Hopefuly, when they are all adults, they will come and see you.

Answer 7

Oh dear....

The one thing you never say to a child is " your mother was a bad person"

But you don't lie to them either.  If I had your kids, I'd tell them that their mom was real young, and made some bad decisions but that she never stopped loving them.

I hope they do look for you someday.

Answer 8

We're adopting my husband's cousin's baby, and she's serving jail time for what she did to him when he was three weeks old.

We're going to basically tell him when he's old enough to understand that she was unable to take care of him. Maybe it's just her lack of maturity (she's a very immature 22 year old)  and maybe there's some medical reasons why she acts the way she does (hasn't been diagnosed as far as I know) but she just can't provide him with the safe and nurturing environment that he needs. He'll probably meet her and have some semblance of a relationship with her at some point.

In her care, BTW, he was diagnosed as a "failure to thrive" baby.  Early Childhood Special Ed was out evaluating him this week, and they were looking for something wrong with him (ALL foster kids have to have issues, you know)  and they couldn't find it.

Answer 9

I don't know if this will help you, but I was adopted at birth and I am now 50.  I have never had any bad feelings about my birth mother.  I have never really had a desire to find her, but I have never had any bad feelings towards her either.  I figure she did what she thought was the best thing for me.  I've also met plenty of other people who were adopted and they have all felt the same way I feel.

Answer 10

To imply a mother is "bad" relates to a child that they are bad.

Simply put your mother loves you and I am sure she thinks of you everyday. She had a hard time with choices and she was human and made mistakes just like everyone. This is what we have told our daughter.

Answer 11

we are adopting thru cps, we plan on telling our daughter that her birth mom loved her very much, but was unable to care for her because she was sick. we have agreed to open adoption so we are going to allow at least one visit a year and as many cards/letters as the birth mom wants

Answer 12

first of all you did the right thing. you were so young, and you stated you know they are loved.  we are adopting 4 children and we never say anything bad about the bio mom. i tell the older ones that their mom just wasnt able to be a mom. she loves you guys and you can love her, but she needed our help to raise you.

Answer 13

We adopted through cps. We would never say anything to our children to make them hate their mom.  We keep it basic like made bad choices and struggled with addiction.

We would just say that you were unable to care for your children the way you wanted them to be cared for and choose adoption.

Even if they don't look for you, you can look for them when the time is right.

Answer 14

Well it depends on the parent but we were told in our class never to say bad things about birth parent.  Even though you are rasing them they still identify with them and if you say things about them it loweres their self esteem and can make them mad.   Now everyone recieves that training that does not mean that they all follow it.

Answer 15

I know in our state (Arkansas), there is a specific sight where mothers can register within the state, and the kids can request their birth mother's information.  See if your state has that kind of information.  In our state, unless the parent signs the rights in exchange to be anonymous (VERY few do), then the kids generally have access to their records.  The sad truth is, many times, the adoptive parents don't have much access to the records either, and there can be nightmare stories put onto websites and files that the kids might take some time into trusting what is and isn't the truth.  

My son was adopted privately, and even though his mother did some stupid stuff, we'll always let him know that he was placed because she loved him.  I'm trying to get approved to do foster to adopt programs now, and would never put a child's first parents down, because in the long run, they'll only hate you for it.  If you put them down, they realize that they are part of what you are putting down and they'll take it personally.

I encourage you to sign up on the registries where kids can find out their biological children.  You might ask how to do that from someone else.  Possum is a great source for that information.  Children generally want to know where their roots are, to meet their parents, and to find out more.  Hopefully, the adoptive parents will have the sense to work with you.  Keep a scrapbook with their baby pictures, and a historical in pictures book where the kids can see what you looked like when you were younger, how they were thought of, how you missed them.  If you believe you know where they live, take a picture of the house, to let them know you wanted to see them in the yard.  See if CPS will allow you to write their AP's a letter, telling the kid how you love them, and would like to meet them someday.  Good luck for a happy reunion in the future!

Answer 16

We adopted two children from foster care.I tell them the truth. I tell them that their mom loved them very much, she just couldn't take care of them properly. I tell them that she wanted them to have a safe home with parents that could feed them, and hug them and kiss them. We keep a picture of her on the fridge, and I often comment on how pretty she is and how much they look like her. I encourage them to keep an open dialogue about her and to remember everything they can about her. We remember her at Christmas time by making an ornament for the tree for her. I am hoping someday when we find her, we can give them all too her.

I tell them that she is a good person, but had problems that she needed time to work on. I tell them that it is okay to love her even if they can't see her anymore. I taught my son how to pray, so who could pray for her. We all pray for her as a family. I also taught my son that if he has something to say to her he can pretend she is there and say it anyway.

When he is older I plan to tell him that when the time is right we will find her together and that we will accept her into our family with open arms. When he is older, I will tell him it is okay to write her letters and save them for her until that day comes.

On our final meeting day, I promised her that I would never try to erase her, and I never will.