If we tell adoptees that our mother's loved us so much, that they gave us away?

Question

does that mean people don't love their bio child, if they kept them?

Answer 1

That sh*t was told to me my whole life.

It never made sense.

In fact - as I got older - it really just hurt.

The truth - my mother was forced into giving me away - because her mother was embarrassed that she was unwed. My father offered marriage - but that wasn't good enough.

They married 6 months after my birth - had 3 more kids - and they're still together.

The worst thing - I wasn't allowed to know that story until I was 37 yrs old.

That meant 37 yrs of daydreaming.

What a waste - I could have been getting on with living.

There were some days that being adopted really sucked for me.

Adoptees need to know their truth - and they don't need to be told stupid stories and lies - just to make the adults feel better.

Answer 2

my a-parents never said that to me. However others did and when i was little i associated love with rejection. So it's a very wrong thing to say to little kids! my a-mom explained to me why my mom had to give me up in such a way that looking back was so respectful.

Answer 3

Hahahaha! Never thought of it that way.

I don't spout that happy-slappy adoption c**p to my son (who was adopted by me). I'm honest. When he asks, I tell him that his first mother loved him -- and still loves him! -- very much but wasn't able to take care of him, so he went into foster care.

Answer 4

Not at all.. It all depends on the situations..

Some pregnant women find themselves in impossible situations that it is simply NOT FAIR to bring a child into.. In SOME cases, the loving thing is to give the child a better home..

BUt of course just because a woman is, say, single, doesn't mean she can't be a good mother or that her home would be a bad one for a child.. So if that women keeps the child, it absolutely doesn't mean she doesn't love it!

It's on a situation by situation basis..

OH.. but of course this saying isn't good to say to a child.. I was simiply talking about whether it can be true or not..

Answer 5

Its another saying that adoption agencies program into our heads.  If you really sit and think about it, the sentence doesn't make any sense.  So mommy if you love me you'll give me away too?

Thanks for educating me guys.

Answer 6

Lol......I love this one!!  My adoptive mother initially told me this, then when I began to question the logic she had to fill me in on some facts.  One: my birthmother had NEVER wanted to give me up.  Two: That I was given up for adoption because my grandparents were embarassed to have a daughter pregnant out of wedlock.  Seems to me that the decision to give me up had absolutely nothing to do with love.

Answer 7

All I know is that I am soooooo thankful my adoptive mom never laid that lame line of c**p on me.  My amom was smart enough to know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you come right down to it.  She was honest with me, and spoke to me like a human being -- giving me the truth instead of giving me little "sayings."

Answer 8

I agree, that is a very confusing thing to say to a child. And not only for the reason you mentioned, but also because APs would also (one hopes) tell the child that we love them--so logically we should give them away also. What a scary message for a child!

Thankfully, I believe (well, at least I hope) that most adoptive parents no longer use this line. It sort of goes along with the "you are special because you are chosen" line. Adoptive parents were told that it would be good to say these things to their adopted children -- one step up from pretending the kids were not adopted at all -- so the a-parents said these things. These lines are still out there, but any a-parent who has gone through any sort of education prior to adoption has usually been told that this is not a good message.

ETA: okay, seeing some of the other answers, maybe I'm wrong about my second paragraph. Sigh...

ETA 2:

Okay, after seeing the answers to LaurieDB's earlier question about the the term "taken in" I realize I was wrong, unfortunately. Obviously the "chosen" term is still used a lot, so probably the "she loved you so much" fairytale is used also. Double sigh. How unfortunate.

Answer 9

no, it is meant to mean that the parents took great consideration to make the best possible decision for their child. They knew they were unable (for whatever reason) to provide properly for the child so found a better more suitable home for that child.

If someone is going to give this reasoning to a child they should go a bit more in depth w/it.

Answer 10

most times they parent is a teen and can't take care of the baby or can't afford to keep their baby.so technically if they kept them they would still love them, but they wouldn't have a good life.so they love them so much that they wanted to give them to someone who could give their kids a better life

Answer 11

I got told that one - it was one of those constant lines brought out whenever I looked a bit upset about my adoption. I think the agency told my aparents to say it or something.

It never made sense to me, but probably explains why I have trust issues now with people who "love" me.

Now I've found my bmom, I know for sure that line's rubbish. She doesn't love me. I'm not sure if she even likes me. She certainly regrets having me, but my little brother? Oh no, he was kept. She loves him (properly, not in the way she "loved" me) She gave me up because she was unmarried and didn't want kids at the time - there wasn't any love involved in that decision.