If you're finally out of an abusive relationship/marriage, should you...?

Question

Should you tell someone you start to date about your past? Well, if you're separated or divorced, yes it's only fair to tell at least that fact, or if you have children, but, when you get out of a mentally, or physically (or both) abusive relationship, do you tell someone who wants to date you about it? Should you do it BEFORE getting involved? After a few dates? Never?

Answer 1

Frankly, I wouldn't whip this out on someone unless there were potential for an actual long term relationship.  You don't want to put too much of yourself out there or you become a "rug" for people to wipe their proverbial feet upon.  Just be cool, enjoy yourself and let it come out when the time is right.  If you pull this out of your hat at the beginning, it's bound to scare people off.  

Answer 2

that would be something he'd have to learn about me over time.  i don't think i'd be so quick to tell because i'd probably be afraid he might be the same way.  

glad to hear you got out of it!

Answer 3

You dont have to tell the person anything until your relationship reaches a more emotionally intimate level. There is no reason he needs to know let him KNOW YOU BEFORE HE KNOWS THE PAST!!

Answer 4

Possibly never... definitely wait.

You don't want to advertise that at some point you "accepted" being treated like c**p. The circumstances won't matter because doormat is what guys will hear.. and some of them don't need "permission" to treat you that way, as you well know unfortunately.

Good luck finding a good man.

Answer 5

first let me say its good you got away!!

i was in that situation and when i started a new relationship i laid everything out there..i told him about my past (cause he could tell i was insecure and timid when it came to him touching me)..

when you guys go out on a couple of dates to get to know one another i would just let him know..

Answer 6

Go for a few dates first.  If things feel right you'll know when it's the right time to tell him, to have that conversation about your past.  If things don't go well why bring up past skeletons for no reason.

Answer 7

i think you should tell them. but only after you feel like it could be going somewhere serious. they should know about it. the reason being that they might do somethings that could bring back old memories.

e.g. a friend of mind was abused and her husband used to drink so whenever she see's someone having more than one drink and talking really loud she gets scared out of her wits

if you let him know he will be more careful, i hope you went to counselling because sometimes problems of the past come back and affect our future.

but all in all good luck and dont let anyone abuse you again. if you spot the first sign be out of there on the first thing smoking.

Answer 8

After a few dates, if you feel you'd like to keep seeing him, then tell him at that time.

Answer 9

Firstly Congratulations on getting out.  

It takes a lot of strength to walk away from a relationship like that.  Now you know DEFINATELY the kind of person you DON'T want to date so when you are ready to try again you will be able to see the things you don't want in a partener quickly and get out while you stilll can.

After an abusive relationship it can be tempting to spread the word that you were abused and tell everyone you know so that it can't happen to them.  While in some cases this can be healthy you also run the risk of scaring away positive relationships in the making by putting a neon sign on your head calling out for someone to fill the hole.  In some cases it is appropriate to say "i was abused" but because it is not a nice thing to happen to anyone it can be scary to those who have been lucky enough to avoid it.

Separation, divorce, single with kids etc. are not as taboo in society as abuse.

Personally i would try to form a relationship with someone, find out if there is something about that person that makes you feel uneasy in the relationship.  Get to know them and then when you feel you can say "i'm not ready to do this in our relationship, there are things from my past that scare me, it's not you but i need you to understand and help me through this so we can be better partners" without feeling as though the person will get upset at you and walk out on you, you have found someone who cares about you regardless of what happened in the past.

You do not need someone who will treat you like the abuser, you do not need someone who will walk away when you need them most, you need someone you can trust to treat you as a human being.

It does get better, the pain fades but you never forget.

I reccommend you find a copy of a book called "women who love too much" By Robyn Norwood.  I won't lie to you.  It's very hard to read.  It's full of true stories about abuse and there will be parts of each and every story that you will identify with.  At the end it gives you some ways that can help you become even stronger than you already are and shows that you can break the cycle and get away from "bad choices"

It was reccommended to me and the first time i picked it up i couldn't finish the first page.  I thought it was stupid and had nothing to do with me.  A week later i was told to try again and i got through two pages.  The third time i was asked to read it i sat down and read about 5 chapters.  I was told afterwards that it was hard to read because i could identify with the feelings the people had and it was too close to home.  It's worth every word on every page and then some.  Persevere and you will get through.

I wish you all the best in the future.

I have been abused and i have learnt from getting out.  I now have a wonderful man in my life who treats my daughter as his own and treats me like i am his world.

You deserve that too.

Answer 10

Transparency is an important thing that must always take center stage in trying to build up a new relationship. Your past must not be put on the closet as skeletons that would soon be opened up to be shared by others. At the very first instance of any potential relationship, you must take the initiative to inform your man where you came from and that your past is something that must be finally put to rest once and for all. You could never move on if you deliberately hide your past. Be yourself and be bold to be frank and open about your past.