If you're in a committed relationship, do you have to let your partner have access to your e-mail?

Question

Or, is it okay to retain that privacy for yourself?

Also, if I have a laptop that is just "for myself" is that being selfish or is it acceptable? I have a lot of documents on my laptop that are personal to me that I probably wouldn't want my partner to see. So, is it okay to have this laptop just for me, and then get another shared computer or a laptop just for her? What's the etiquette in this situation? Please help.

Answer 1

Lock out the files you do not want others to view... then you can share the laptop... you should have your own "privacy" in any relationship... it is your obligation to the relationship to keep any thing in your "privacy" from being harmful to the realtionship... but you have no obligation to share your email... or any "private" thoughts... with anyone... with out a court order that is...

Answer 2

My husband and I have each other's passwords, but we don't check each other's email unless we need to for some reason.  I would never share a password with a boyfriend however - that is ludicrous.

Answer 3

Under no circumstances will anyone have access to my emails.

Answer 4

It is perfectly fine to keep separate computers and have private documents (as long as those documents aren't p**n or love letters from a secret girlfriend).  Same goes for e-mail.  E-mail NEEDS to be separate.  Two people sharing one e-mail address makes the Inbox very disorganized.  Plus, one person might think a letter is junk, and the letter was actually something important for the other person.  So many things can go wrong with e-mail.  Again, the girlfriend needs to go get her own laptop and get her own e-mail address.  If she is asking to see all your stuff on your computer, she may have a trust issue.  If that is the case, you need to sit down and talk to her.

Answer 5

You are entitled to your privacy as is your partner.

Answer 6

There shouldn't be any internet/email secrets between you and your partner. If there are secrets, then you are doing something wrong and have something to hide. That's not good for a relationship.

If you don't agree, then have 2 or more email accounts. One for both of you and one for you alone (kept secret of course).

Answer 7

Everybody is entitled to some privacy. Those who say you should be able to share everything and/or have her looking over your shoulder while you read your email are either very young or naive. Entering into a relationship does not turn you into a two-headed symbiotic entity: you are still separate people who are entitled to decide whether to share a thought or story, and choose the time and method of that sharing.

(And, just as a moral issue, it's possible that the contents of an email may not be your secret to share. If a friend shares something very personal with you, and your partner finds out by reading your email, that could cause a problem should your friend ever find out you did not keep his/her confidence.)

Do you poke through each other's wallet, backpack, briefcase, or jewelry box? Do you go through each other's credit card bills, saved letters, diaries, or sketch pads? Do you listen in on each other's phone conversations or check their call history? All of these are just as intrusive as reading somebody else's email.

(If the answer to any of the above is "yes," then you two don't have a "committed" relationship - you have temporarily compatible trust issues. Assuming that's not the case...)

It's easy to keep somebody out of your email, even on a shared computer: tell the email software NOT to remember your password, change it if necessary, and don't tell your partner what it is. Put all of your private documents in one folder, and put a (different) password on that folder. (Note that none of that is necessary if you have Windows NT or higher: just set her up with a separate login and, as they say, "Bob's your uncle.")

If that "causes" a problem, then the problem was always there and has only been dragged out of hiding.

It is certainly acceptable to have separate computers. Privacy issues aside, no two people have the same preferences for desktop layout and filing system. For example: I have very few (three?) icons on my desktop, with my taskbar on the right edge and my most common program icons in the quick start bar; in Microsoft Office programs, I have edited the toolbars to remove all of the functions I do through the keyboard. The more personalizing you do, either on the desktop or within programs, the more frustrating it will be for somebody else to use your machine, or for you to use theirs.

As for whether you should "get another shared computer or a laptop just for her," (and avoiding the question of why YOU are getting HER a computer without completely merging your finances) it becomes a question of how much she would use a computer. If you are both gaming geeks and there is a potential conflict over whose turn it is, then a second computer would certainly help keep the peace.

What you should do is treat the question of a second computer as "Does it make sense for her to get a computer?" as though it's the only one. It's a simple cost/benefit analysis: does/will she use one enough to justify the expense?

And keep in mind that you should plan to allow her the exact same privacy that you want. Don't get "another shared computer": either get one for her and keep yours to yourself, or figure out a way to share the one you've got without compromising your privacy.

Answer 8

I am of the belief that those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.  I guess my question would be why wouldn't you want your partner to see whatever ...I can think of nothing I have that I wouldn't want my partner to see though I doubt he ever accesses much of what I have in my email, in my drawers, in my purse or anywhere else for that matter.  But, if he did, there is nothing there that I am ashamed of, wish to conceal or find it necessary to keep a secret from him.

Answer 9

I would never let anyone else into my email and i don't even have anything personal in there.  It's perfectly reasonable.  

I'd say use of the laptop could be mutual but that's really up to you and if your partner isn't offended then I guess it's fine.

Answer 10

Well if it's a committed relationship then why would you want to hide anything from her?  It's your choice to have your email and nobody says you have to share anything but if you want her to trust you all the time then you should consider not only letting her use your laptop but be able to look over your shoulder when you are checking your email.  If you have anything that is there before your relationship with her then it doesn't not apply to her BUT if you are talking to other women while you are with her then that isn't cool.  Maybe she might even have old letters or pictures of her and her exs if so then you can use those against her if she tries to question you as to why you want your own email.  

Answer 11

Even in a committed relationship, you are entitled to some privacy. Your relationship must be based on trust.  You have a right just as she does to have separate email accounts.  Establish this as soon as possible (even with mail).  You should have a computer that you both might be able to share.  

Answer 12

Well i've never thought about that.  I have nothing hidden.  But I would start to worry if my husband started hiding things from me.