If you're visiting family in another state, is it rude to insist on staying in a motel?

Question

I'm pregnant with my first after years of infertility and his mom couldn't be bothered to step outside to smoke even though it was 70-75 degrees. (In the winter when we visit she says it's too cold to smoke outside so the house is toxic). I argued about the health of our baby with hubby, who is normally very cautious, but his mom can do no wrong in his eyes...

Answer 1

NO!  It's perfectly fine, but your family may not think so.  The same thing happened with my husband and me.  We stayed with his family the first time we went to Georgia - they took the twin bed apart and put the mattress and box springs on the floor - one of us slept on one and one on the other - AND their flea-infested dog had just had puppies AND the door didn't shut, so we had no privacy (and they had two little boys) AND both bathrooms were broken.  The next time we went, I insisted on staying at a hotel, and my husband and I had a good time and agreed this was the way to do it.  HOWEVER, the next time we went, his whole family (three grown kids and three grandchildren) INSISTED on staying in our hotel room WITH us - one bed and eight people.  To which I said absolutely NOT - SO we spent OUR $$ (even though all three grown children have jobs) to get them a separate room, and the six of them stayed in that room.  I haven't been back to Georgia in over two years.

Answer 2

I have somewhat of a similar problem.  I am 7 months pregnant with our first.  His grandmother, mom, stepdad, and sisters boyfriend all smoke, inside, at his grandmothers house.  This happens to be where the family meets up as it's a central location for everyone.  Though we never sleep there as we live close, it's a battle for me too.  I have flat out stopped going over there.  I more than likely won't be brining my son over there, either if they can't not smoke for the hour or two that we're there!

I think you're totally in the right to want to stay somewhere else.  It is up to you to be healthy and keep your unborn child healthy, and being exposed to all that smoke is not good for you or your child.  

If MIL gets offended and asks or says something, just tell her the truth.  She as a smoker has heard worse, I promise!

Answer 3

You should be open to your mother-in-law and tell her the reasons.. that it's because second hand smoke is bad and especially when pregnant or for little babies..they have very sensitive lungs.. tell her you don't wish to risk the health of your unborn child and not of your baby.. she must be aware that second hand smoke is dangerous.. Meet her when you all go out and you are outdoors. then her smoking won't be so bad.. tell her it has nothing to do with your feelings toward her.. that you like her and appreciate and look forward to seeing her but that as she is a heavy smoker you cannot risk the health of your unborn child and you hope she understands that you book into a motel.. and your hubby should understand and support that.. give him some reading material about second hand smoke and especialy how it can affect a little child or a woman during pregnancy. .I hope he will take your side then and tell his mom. in a polite and friendly way why this is the best solution.. x*x

Answer 4

Your first obligation is to your baby and your husband's to you and that baby.  I prefer to stay in a hotel for the privacy.  My husband would take my side or he'd visit his mother alone.  

Perhaps you two should think of trying some different vacation experiences anyway.

Answer 5

There's nothing wrong with stayng in a motel, but tell the MIL in a nice way, be very diplomatic. You should actually get your husband to do it, but he probably won't.

If she makes an issue of it, avoid the subject and don't comment on it.  Also, your husband is m arried, he stays with you, not his mother. If he insists on staying there, that should tell you something, but again don't address the subject while you're there.

Answer 6

Oo, thats a tough one. Well, I think for the sake of the baby you should stay in a motel. If your husband or mother in law asks, simply tell them that you don't want to be inhaling cigarette smoke; especially since your pregnant.

Answer 7

That is very alarming that your husband put your mother-in-law's unreasonable feelings about smoking over the health of his own unborn child. Very disturbing.

What is rude is your mother-in-law demanding that you be uncomfortable and tolerate an unhealthy environment during your pregnancy, to coddle her feelings. What is worse is your husband's refusal to stand up to her and protect you.

If I were you, I would put my foot down with him. I'd tell him I am either staying in a motel or not going, and if he wants to be a mama's boy instead of my husband, then he can go back to her because I will not compete with her.

Answer 8

No it isn't rude. Just blame it on the pregnancy. Tell them you can't be around any smoke because you're pregnant and you don't want the second hand smoke to hurt the baby, and/or INSIST that you don't want to put them out by staying in their house. Think of as many non-offensive reasons as youy can as to why it'd be in everyone's best interest for you not to stay there.  INSIST that everyone would be much more comfortable if you just got a room. Act like you're doing it for  THEIR benefit and it won't seem rude at all.

Answer 9

I don't think its rude at all

it might be alittle okward telling them you don't want to stay there but its better than forceing your self to stay there

say you want to try a hotel or say you don't want to trouble them with your pregnacy and the hotel is cheep that night you guys are coming in town so you mines well stay there.

Answer 10

I would say that your husband needs to back you up on this one. If you are uncomfortable staying at your MIL's house, then he should stay with you at a motel. It concerns me that he would even consider staying with his family and leaving you at a motel by yourself--the apron strings should be cut by now.

I don't think it's rude for you to stay at a motel--in fact, I think it's rather odd that your inlaws want you to stay at their house when it's obvious they don't have the room for you. You have a right to be comfortable while you're traveling, and if you're uncomfortable at their house you aren't going to have a good time. Let your MIL know that you appreciate her generosity, but you have decided to get a motel room when you come visit, and leave it at that. Her feelings may be hurt, but you need to do what's right--and healthy--for you.

Answer 11

Both of my parents smoked.  My mother LOVED to smoke in the car.  She would forbid me from opening MY window she would open hers a crack because she thought the smoke would be drawn from her side.........

There is no way to smooth it over.  I understand your concerns but I do think that your child or you won't die from breathing in smoke for a short visit....it's up to you...The best thing to do would say to your MIL "I'm pregnant, my doctor advised me not to breath in vast amounts of cigarette smoke.  This is why X & I will be staying at a motel."  

The more I think about I truly hate the addictive quality of cigarette smoking.  I guess I can admit I'm addicted to drinking Coke & Pepsi.  I have to have at least 1 or more a day.....I hate watching relatives puckering up to inhale death.  It's one thing to have one cigarette & a couple of drinks when you're dancing at a night club.  It's a social kind of thing.  To not be able to get through an hour without a cigarette is extremely emotionally unhealthy!!!

Answer 12

Being that you are pregnant I would just tell them (or let your hubby) tell them that you would be more comfortable in a hotel at this point. You have to get up to pee all during the night, you toss and turn and may need to have 2 beds, you get what I mean. Telling them you don't want to be around the cigarette smoke is certainly your right, especially being pregnant. Your hubby needs to back you up and stay wherever you are. If his parents are insulted, they will get over it. After the baby comes, invite them to your house if you would rather not go there. Give them the option of a hotel or your place (if it is big enough). But let them know they cannot smoke around the baby.

Answer 13

Not at all; you needn't explain yourself (that is, defend your reasons).  When I visit family I always stay at a hotel nearby.  It's better for me and them.

Your husband needs to politely explain to his mum that it's easier for you two (soon to be three) to stay in a hotel.  Leave it at that.

Answer 14

It's not rude.  Just do it, but make sure to almost spend more time than usual visiting, and be saying you feel you are imposing and can see/know how much work it is to have company.  

However, I don't think you can do it alone.  It would be rude and visible if you stayed in the motel, and your husband stayed at the house.  The first conclusion is you might be fighting, the second is it just looks like you don't support each other, and that you are separate from his family.

Answer 15

no its not rude, it is healthy for you baby to be

Answer 16

Tell him you care more about the health of your baby than his mother's feelings.

IF she's half-way aware and or smart she'll agree with you ...

if not she'll start building mountains.

Keep it simple.

~

Answer 17

No, it's not rude.  

As long as you're paying for your own accomodations, it's perfectly fine to stay at a motel.

Just be sure to politely decline the offer to stay at your in-laws' home ... and give a (fictitious) reason that makes it seem that you are doing it for THEIR comfort/convenience more than your own ... no need to reveal your ulterior motives!

Your pregnancy gives you a built-in excuse for just about anything right now ... you could just say that you're sleeping very badly now that you're pregnant, and you have to get up to pee about every half-hour ... that should cover it.

Once the baby's born, you can beg off staying at their house by telling them that the baby fusses at all hours ...

Or you could just drop broad hints that you and hubby like to get it on 3 times a day, and that if they'd like more grandchildren, your staying in a motel would be more conducive to that result!

Just kidding on the last one!  

Be creative, and make it seem that you're doing your in-laws a favor by staying elsewhere when you visit them.  No need to mention their stinky house or inadequate guest-accomodations.