If you adopt a child from birth, when is the time to tell them about it?

Question

If you adopt a child from birth, when is the time to tell them about it?

Answer 1

Ok.. When they are older like 14 and older- they could get mad and reallllllllly depressed.

Maybe like 8-10.

Answer 2

from the day you bring them home.  even if they don't know what you're saying.  tell them how glad you are to have adopted them, then say how glad you are that the judge let you bring them home forever.  I adopted 2 kids and that's what I did.  from what I'd read before I got the first child, and an experience with a friend's adopted daughter, most adopted children have problems with being adopted when they find out they're adopted later in life (like teens) or if they don't associate the word "adopted" with the meaning of the word.  there are also some good books about being adopted written on a child's level.  you can read them to your child.

Answer 3

I don't remember when I was told but my mom use to tell me she told me about the day I was brought home and would read stories to me on the subject even when I was just an infant.  The younger the better.  There are a lot of good books out there that talk about being adopted at different ages so start with those and always be open.  I never felt like I didn't belong It just explained why I was different.

Answer 4

sooner is better. tell them that you love them as your own and nothing will change that. also tell thgat if he or she pleases that when they get older (like a teenager) they can see their real parents (with you there) if she or he wants to.

Answer 5

As soon as they are old enough to understand the meaning of the words. I was told when I was about 2 years old and we talked about it for some time until I really understood what it meant.

Answer 6

I was adopted when I was a week and a half old. I've never NOT known I was adopted. As long as I can remember my parents always talked about how lucky we were to come together as a family even though I was born to someone else. I do not suggest waiting until the child is "old enough to understand". It will be devastating. Don't keep it a secret!

Answer 7

I think you should start from the first day they bless your life.  There's nothing shameful in adoption, it is an exciting choice made by caring people.  These children are not grown in our bodies, but they are grown in our hearts!

Answer 8

Let me explain it to you like this my daughter was only 18 mo. old when I met her father . We just never hid it from her. we always talked about it openly so there was never a matter of really breaking it to her .  When she was old enough to actually catch on and question about it then we more or less explained it to her the best we could with out going into to much so we could avoid confusing her.

Answer 9

I would start young like age 4.  Jamie Lee Curtis has a great book about explaining adoption "Tell Me About The Night I Was Born" I think it's called. And I've seen others that look very good.

Answer 10

Whenever you think they will understand the most. It would say around age 6 or 7 when they have a bit of understanding it different types of families and a better picture of the world itself. But don't wait till they are older than 12 because that can hurt your relationship with your child because sometimes they think you did not trust them all of the years and they may not feel as comfortable.

Answer 11

I was adopted at six weeks and I was sat down with my

Adoptive parents and they told me when I was 7.

I did well with it and they answered all my questions and

told me they love me and I was theirs always.  They made

me very secure and always loved.

Answer 12

Honestly.  If it's not a secret from anyone else, it should never one from him.

I would keep a picture of the day you brought him home and refer to it as "the day you were brought into our family."

As long as it is common knowledge then there can never be hurt feelings.  My mother was a single mom and never hid the fact that my stepfather wasn't my father, from me.  I always knew his name and was free to ask any questions I wanted about him.  I wasn't curious until I started my own family. And actually just recently found him.

We had a similar situation with my daughter.  She was at our wedding... and we were unsure of how to tell her she was conceived before the wedding.  We just left pictures of her at the wedding laying around.  We talk abot it whenever we look at pictures.  She actually refers to it as "the day mommy, daddy and I got married"

Answer 13

I agree that you talk about thier adoption from day one.  The worse thing you can do would be to lie to them and not tell them the truth which they might find out for themselves someday and resent you not tellng them.  :)  We have three children that we adopted and we speak about thier "story" all the time.  The story of how we became a family.  

A great resource that I have used and will give you some childrens books and adult books on how to talk to your child along with other resources available here: http://parenting.adoption.com/parents/ta...

Take Care!

Answer 14

I agree with Boo...I have always known I was adopted at 6 days old.I always felt sorry for the kids that 'got borned', too bad their parents didn't get to pick them out!!!

The parent's story of a child's adoption will always be one they can treasure, hopefully.

And no offense intended, but if you are not adopted yourself, then you really aren't qualified to answer this question IMO.

p.s.found my 5! birth siblings 10 yrs ago.what a joy and blessing it was...and is.......(I'm 47 now)

Answer 15

when they can understand it properly.

Answer 16

I have two adopted kids. I got them at 5 months and 3 yrs old. We talk about it in our home like it is common knowledge. They know they were special and chosen. I know one day, they will figure out they are "different." I am worried about that so much but I am just going to tell them that God wanted me to be their Mommy and I wanted them sooooooooooo much. I have a apecial advantage of also telling them that bio parents wanted them BUT they couldn't take care of them due to poverty and drug abuse.

Answer 17

Tell them from the beginning!!!! Talk about their birthmother with them often.  It is a LOT easier this way, because they won't get all mad when you do tell them.

Answer 18

when they r about 14 or 15.  they have to be older so they will fully understand what u r talking about

Answer 19

I caution against going overboard on the "you were so special because you were chosen."  That's a load of BS.  The fact is the biological mother had to relinquish the rights so in essence reject.....that's how many adopted people feel.  Whomever adopted the child needs to tell the child about adoption first then tell the child they were adopted.  I recommend finding a mental health professional to help you out since you sound pretty clueless about the issue.  I also recommend going to the library to get books geard towards the adopted child.

Answer 20

The word "adoption" should be introduced to them as early as possible by reading as many of the wonderful adoption stories available. All adoption experiences are different so communicate their adoption story in a positive, age appropriate way.

Answer 21

It is up to  the child and how the adopted  parents feels they are ready

Some are told from day one we pick you out  story

Other find out  at teen years which I do not like, teen years are hard as it is  that can be hard to understand

Answer 22

I think you should just always be open and honest, from infancy, using the words adoption, birth mother etc.....  If these are words they grow up hearing they will be familiar ordinary words.  As the baby gets older they may wonder what a particular word means and will ask but they'll gradually get the information they need to know.

I know several people who have been adopted and this is the way they were told or wish they had been told.

Answer 23

As soon as he or she is old enough to understand I reckon.

Answer 24

The first day you see them!!!

When parents start saying loving things, like "We are so lucky to be your parents", or "Adoption is the answer to our prayers" or "Adopting you is the best thing we ever did", it begins to give you the confidence to talk about adoption.

By the time your child begins to understand any of this talk about adoption, it will be as normal as saying they have beautiful brown eyes, or such curly hair.  The feeling is the most important thing in the beginning.  Then you baby begins to associate love and smiles with the word/talk of adoption.  Then by the time they can understand even more, you begin to give them information about adoption in general (not theirs), a little at a time.  Read an adoption book or two once in a while at bedtime with their other books.  Begin to tell them how they grew in their birthmother's tummy and then you becasme their parents, before they can understand it!  This gives you time to practice.

I knew I was on the right track, when my daughter, at about 18 months, threw her arms around my neck one day, and said "Mommy, I'm glad I adopted you!"   Now did she really understand adoption at that point?  No, but she certainly felt the meaning!

She also wrote a paper in first grade.....reminding me of how I explained adoption to her.  She wrote about her birth and adoption in her little first grader words, including that she "loved me even before she was a seed in her birthmother's tummy"!  

Regarding question about adoption, it is easier than you may think.  Short and sweet.  Not long and drawn out.  When my daughter was about four, she asked where her birthmother was.  I said I didn't know.  She asked if she had enough to eat.  I said that I sure did hope so.  She asked why she didn't take care of her?  I told her because she couldn't take care of any baby then in her life.   That was it.  

We put her birthmother's pictures in a little album, and she looked at these pictures from the time she was a baby.  She always knew that was "her birthmother" but it naturally took a while for her to understand what that meant.  And then one day, she asked if she could put her picture in our big photo album.  Again, I knew we were doing o.k.  She felt comfortable.  A few years later, she began to show a couple of close friends the photo, and it just seemed as natural as saying "And that is my Aunt Anne."

My tips:

1.  Talk about adoption from day one, with love in your heart and a loving smile on your face.

2.  Don't tell others your child's personal detailed adoption information before they themselves understand it.  (Details about their birthmother's circumstances, lifestyle, age, etc.)  This info really belongs to them.  They will decide who they talk to about their adoption.

3.  Don't overwhelm them with adoption talk.  It should be casual and intermittant.  It should not drummed into them daily!  It does not define them, it is just one part of who they are.

4.  Frame your answers about why their birthparents didn't parent them to be about not being able to take care of any child (or another child), not them specifically.

5.  Don't sit your child down, ever, and have a big "adoption talk" with them!  The old way of "telling" children they were adopted hurt children deeply, because it was a shock, and made some children question their lives as authentic.  It also overwhelmed children.

I hope this helps!!  Goodl luck!

Answer 25

When you think they are ready for it. I would say around when they start undersatnding things.

Answer 26

I WAS ADOPTED AT BIRTH. MY MOTHER TOLD ME FROM THE TIME I WAS 2 OR 3 THAT I WAS A SPECIAL CHILD THAT I WAS ADOPTED AND SHE KEEPED TELLING ME THIS IN TILL I WAS ABOUT 5. NOT ALLTHE TIME,BUT SHE WOULD TALK ABOUT THE WAY I WAS PICKED AND HAD SHE LOOKED AT ME AND FELL IN LOVE WITH ME. IF YOU ARE READY TO DO THIS THEN DO IT NOW. IF YOU THINK YOU ARE READY AND THE CHILD IS READY. DON'T WAIT INTILL THEY ARE TO OLDER BECAUSE SO KIDS GET MAD AND GO INTO A DEPRESSION.BECAUSE THEY FEEL THAT THEIR REAL PARNET DID NOT LOVE THEM. SO START WHEN THEY ARE LITTLE AND ANWER ALL THE QUESTIONS THAT YOU CAN. I'M 40 AND I AM GLAD THAT MY PARNETS TOLD ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE BECAUSE I KNOWED I WAS VERY LOVE,I DID NOT KNOW ANY DIFFENTS  ABOUT WHO WAS ADOPTED AND WHO WAS NOT. SHE TOLD ME AS MUCH ABOUT WHERE I CAME FROM. LET HER OR HIM KNOW HOW MUCH THEY ARE LOVED AND THEIR REAL PARNETS MADE YOU REAL HAPPY BY LETTING YOU HAVE A GOOD LIFE WITH THEM. I HOPE SO OF THIS HELPS....GOOD LUCK AND I'M VERY PROUD TO KNOW SOMEBODY THAT HAS ADOPTED A CHILD......

Answer 27

From the day they are adopted. Use words like "we chose you" and "you're so special, we wanted YOU to be our son/daughter" and using age appropriate language, always tell them. When s/he first asks about a pregnant woman's big belly, for example, you age appropriate language and tell him/her that s/he had another mommy who couldn't care for him/her so she chose you (you and your spouse) to help out and be the mommy and daddy. Stuff like that.

Answer 28

my lil bro is adopted and we have always spoken openly about it in front of him we just tell him that our mom and dad got stuck with us (me 24yrs, my sis 17yrs and my bro 8 yrs) but they got to choose him, he is 4 now and i cant say he understands as of yet, but at least he will learn what it means gradually over the years instead of being faced with it all at once later on

Answer 29

I think it is important to tell them from the beginning. I know that an infant will not understand, but use age appropriate language with the child to explain as they are able to understand. We are adopting and I have picked up a few children's books that I recommend. They are "Tell me again about the night I was born," and "Rosie's Family: An adoption story". I think that reading and discussing how the families in these stories are like ours helps , this is just a place to start. There are also many books for adults that talk about talking to you kids about adoption. I think every child is different, so the age that they will begin to understand and the way in which you explain it to them, will be different for every child. The one thing that I feel is truly important is letting them know that they are adopted so that they are able to develop a true self image, instead of learning that they were adopted as an adult and having to reevaluate there whole childhood, and who they are. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 30

Tell them as early as possible.  Make just a matter of fact for them not a big deal.  I was adopted just after birth and can't even remember my parents telling me.  It was never a factor for me but I remember how upset all of my cousins that I grew up with were when they found out.  I don't know what it was that upset them but I think they felt betrayed and that people had kept this info from them, similar to the way an older child or an adult would feel finding out this news.

Answer 31

do not wait until they are "old enough." start talking with your baby immediately. Talk to them about where they came from and how you adopted them and the whole story of who they are and who you are and how you became a family. Get comfortable with the words and the story. Tell it over and over again to your baby. When he begins to understand, you will be comfortable with the whole topic and that's what you want. As he gets older he will ask questions and they will change as he understands more. Do not wait until the "right time." There is no right time or wrong time. Adoption is part of who he is and who you are to him. The easiest thing to do is to just make it part of the conversation from the very beginning.