If you adopted a baby with your husband?

Question

How long would you wait to tell them they were adopted, or would you even tell them at all?

What do you think would be best for the child?

Answer 1

my husband is adopted and says he can't remember NOT knowing, it was just always understood, his baby book was an adoption baby book, cards were "congratulations on adopting"... it was part of his history... you were born on this day...we heard about you the next day...we brought you home on this day...  He is 42 years old and  has never had a problem about being adopted. We are now adopting a 2 year old!!

Answer 2

Tell them once they start understanding basic things like you are mom, instructions like "shut the door", come here, eat this blah blah. I mean as early as they start understanding small things. Make it age appropriate.

Answer 3

I think that the adoption information is best coming from the parents.  Most adopted kids find out eventually and it is better that the parents tell the child than for the child to hear it from someone else because that just seems to really make them angry at the adoptive parents.

Answer 4

Definitely from the start. If you wait you will never find the right time and find that you makes excuses for this and that. If you don't tell him he will find out via family or overhearding etc. I think the older the child is the harder they take. If the know from the start it is natural and something that they werealways were part of the identity not a big surprise and change of thinking.

Answer 5

i say tell them from the start so it doesn't come as a shock or  so they might think it is a bad thing and that is why it is a secret. they have great children's books telling adoption stories and how kids were adopted. you sould buy them and start reading them at like age of 2 to them. so they understand what a great thing it is that they are in your life.

Answer 6

Just as you tell a child about their birth, you should tell a child about their adoption. It is part of who they are. My daughter loves to hear her adoption story in the same way that when I was little I loved to hear about the day I was born.

My son, is pained by the story and gets confused, but he still needs to hear it so he can work thru it.

Answer 7

Personally I would weave it into their story right from the beginning. It's a part of who they are and they grow up knowing that.

We adopted from China and our daughter was 9 months old when she was placed in our arms. When we got back to our hotel room, we started right away, by telling her how happy were to adopt her and how thrilled we were that she was going to be a part of our family and that we loved her.

Answer 8

You tell them from day one that they are uniquely made just for you! It is absolutely best for the child. Children who are adopted about suffer from a traumatic experience- it is in their nature growing up to question the biological where abouts. You shouldn't quesiton yourself on this- if you adopt a child, this will be one issue you might face. I am adopted, since birth- and also gave a child up for adoption when I was 18. I have known since day 1 (or at least when my parents started telling me). And the adoptive family of my child has done the same. It is not to create separation from the adoptive family to the child, it is to create truth, growth, and openess. It is a positive. If you hide it- they will find out- and that is not a day you will want to face most likely.

Answer 9

Start talking about adoption from the moment that they come home. I know they will not understand it immediately- but when I was adopted I was told immediately and when my husband and adopted our 2 children, we told them very early.  The is nothing to be ashamed of, and if you wait and they find out later in life, it would make them wonder why it was kept from them. Adoption is a wonderful thing- share it with them early.

Answer 10

I have adopted two children. And I have told them ever since day one they were adopted. Even though one is just a little baby and doesn't understand, I tell him almost everyday. I plan to tell them almost everyday until they start elementary school. So they know who they are and where they came from

Answer 11

I adopted my son at birth almost 4 years ago. My husband and I have been very open and honest with him about it.  I don't think he fully understands it all. I believe the sooner he understands it the better. He can ask all the questions he wants and be ok with it as he gets older.  I would hate to have him find out when he was 18 or 25 by accident and then by really mad about it. I don't want him being one of those kids always wondering why his birth mother gave him up and resent us for it.  He gets to see his birth mother a few times a year and it is great.

Plus how can you really keep it a secret. I am sure that someone in your family that knows the truth will eventually tell him in a slip up or something.

Besides they have the right to know about their own lives.

Answer 12

I would start from day one. And as they got older tell them that you love him/her very much. Tell them when they're little that they were adopted and explain what adoption means.

My friend has adopted two little ones(a 16 month old girl and a 3 month old boy, not related)and she has been telling them since they came home from the hosptital that they are adopted. Their 16 month old knows now that she has two mommies, one that let her grow inside of her and one that will take care of her, and two daddies, one that helped create her and one that will take care of her.

I gave up a child at 18 and her adoptive parents told me that they told her from the begining as well and she has always known she's been adopted.

And trust me, telling them from the start, IS MUCH BETTER!

Answer 13

When he starts asking why he has three sets of grandparents and an aunt that isn't either mommy or daddy's sister.

Or when birth mom gets out of jail and he meets her.

Or whenever I tell him he's special and chosen.

It's never too early to tell them age-appropriate information about their adoption.

Answer 14

Start telling him the day you bring him home, and tell him often, how much he is loved by ALL of his parents.

Answer 15

I would tell them from the beginning. I agree when someone said, weave it into their lives. Everyday, of course we did not talk about adoption, but when events happened in our everyday life that opened the door for a discussion, we would talk about it. They were not shocked at 10 or 11, to discover they were adopted.

Answer 16

In my opinion, adoption should be a part of your language from the start.........

Answer 17

Be open and honest with them from the beginning.  They will eventually find out if not, and if it didn't come from either you or your spouse then there may be resentment about it.

Answer 18

It's not as if we had a sit-down with a baby to discuss that they were adopted, but we have never hidden the fact either.  We have openly discussed it in front of them from day one.  When they are old enough to understand, we will sit down and discuss it directly with them.  What that age is, who knows.  

Each child develops differently, but I think we will know when they are ready, at that time.  But, to say when that age is at this point, I can't, because I don't know.

NOT telling them shouldn't be an option.  They have the right to know.

Answer 19

in the beginning. he will know he was picked special when he is younger and of course as he grows he will understand more. kids are smart, we have 4 adopted children the 3 older know of course and the baby is only 3 but when he is old enough he will find out from us!!!!!!!!   adoption is a beautiful and selfless thing. he will know that in his life

Answer 20

They need to know as soon as they are able to understand.

Answer 21

Wow, I haven't heard this question in years.  You speak about your child's adoption from the moment you see them.  It is a part of them, and it is to be honored and recognized -- just as the color of their eyes, or the color of their skin.  By the time they actually understand the words, and that happens in stages over years, it will be a natural part of your conversations with your child.  They will understand the sentiment of love associated with the words, and the look on your face and the sound of your voice as you speak of their adoption, long before they understand the words.  Hope that helps.

Answer 22

Tell them from day 1.

Answer 23

You you definetly tell them, and tell them from the very begining. It will be much more difficult for them to deal with if they suddenly found out that they were adopted when they were older.

Answer 24

Yep, tell them from the start.  I was adopted at birth and my parents decided to tell me when I was six years old.  I still remember EVERYTHING about the conversation as I was SO traumatized!  I love my parents (my adopted parents) and I understand now that they just didn't know when they should tell me, but don't wait.  But then, don't constantly be pointing it out either -- I had relatives that always pointed out that I didn't "look" like the other family members or I didn't have the same "talents" as the other family members.  This made me feel like I didn't really fit in and left a gap in my life which was never really filled, even after I finally had children of my own -- thus giving me true "blood" relatives.

So, tell them early and off and on, but don't make an issue out of it nor let your relatives make an issue out of it.

Answer 25

Tell him right away! But tell him he is LOVED.

Answer 26

WAIT UNTIL THEY ASK, THIS IS A TOUCHIE SUBJECT AND YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW TO YOUNG OR TO OLD.

SORRY, ONLY YOU WILL KNOW WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

Answer 27

Both my brothers are adopted and they have know all along.  They know the story of how we got them and everything it is such a great story to tell plus it lets your child know how very much you wanted them and how hard you worked to get them.  good luck