If you are adopted, and then raised by a nanny, is the nanny your mother?

Question

Since some people want to claim that your mother is the woman who raised you (and no one else), does that mean that those affluent women (who are less likely to abuse, and more likely to neglect) who have nannies for their children, aren't really the adopted children's mothers?

Answer 1

Don't be silly. The mother is the one who paid big bucks for you and how dare you be so ungrateful!!!

(Sorry, I couldn't resist. Very good question, Phil. Hopefully it will make some people think more deeply about the whole "mother" issue)

Answer 2

interesting question phil.  i was just reading a blurb about tori spelling and she says she was closer to her nanny than her mother.

i did not have a nanny, but i WAS a nanny to a few different kids.  one of was 6 when i got him and i was his THIRTEENTH nanny.  they ran me ragged, doing all his field trips, doctors appts, after school activities, etc.

i never felt like his mother, but i sure did run around like one, and we were definately closer than he was with his mother.

Answer 3

No, the child's two mothers would be the woman legally given the rights and responsibilities of mother through adoption and the woman who gave birth to the child.

Answer 4

A nanny is a household employee hired to care for the child. A smart nanny does not let the child call her "Mommy", because even though the nanny may spend more time with the child and have a special bond, she is not the mother and can never be.

Answer 5

Well, when I worked in daycare, I *felt* like the children's "daytime" mothers and a Nanny is certainly (and hopefully) "Motherly", but just babysitting is not being a mother.  A Mother does MORE than just that.

Answer 6

Great question Phil! I agree, would that make the nanny the mother then since she's the one who raises the child? According to the definition of some people here, apparently it would!

Why would anyone even pretend to be Thomas Atwoods love child with GSA for Thomas Atwood. Ewwww. I wouldn't want to find him for a father either, suddenly things are starting to be much, much clearer.

Answer 7

Why must you insist that everyone see things your way and use your terminology.  What difference does it make to you who I call my mother???  You apparently have some serious control issues.  You call your mother who you want and I"LL call my mother who I want and we'll let it go at that.  

Answer 8

Nice one PHil

I'm sure your Amother (who  you claim to have a good relationship with) would LOVE to know you consider her just a "nanny"

Answer 9

I think that actually gets to be a tough issue in families with nannies.

I knew a family in which the child (their biological child, not an adopted child) began calling the nanny "Mommy." This upset the parents quite a bit, but in the child's mind, the nanny was the primary caregiver.

Obviously the nanny is not officially or legally a mother to the child, but I think a nanny very well can become a mother figure. Having another person in the home as primary caregiver really complicates the family dynamic. The nanny may come to be seen as a mother figure in any family, whether adoptive or biological. That caregiving relationship certainly has meaning to the child, even if the adults don't recognize it.

Answer 10

i had 2 mothers. 1 who gave birth to me.(she is now dead). and the other is the one who raised me, and she is the one that i also think of as my mother, or as i like to still call her mommy! =)

i can't neglect the one without the other. meaning if it wasn't for one, i wouldn't be here and if it wasn't for the other i wouldn't be the woman that i am today.

Answer 11

Of course! Yes, exactly!

The woman who passes off her responsibilities as a parent to be handled by someone else forfeits her right to be called a mother.

Now you're getting it! Good boy!

Answer 12

well according to many on the boards here, a mother is the person who raises you...so if the nanny raises you then doesn't it seem that she would be considered the mother? if not, then we should go back and re-evaluate the definition of a mother...

Answer 13

Well, since I'm one of the ones who states that my "real" mother is my adoptive mother, I guess I will respond. My adoptive mother was a flight attendent and my adoptive father was a pilot. This being said, our parents were out of town frequently. My brother and I had various nannies through our childhood. They played intregal parts in our lives, and helped to discipline and raise us, but they were not our parents. They were babysitters. We were close to them like we were close to our aunts or grandma. We did care about them, and they cared about us. But our adoptive parents were/are still our "real" parents.

ETA: I do understand your point, but I still feel the same way. Your question actually made me smile. It's very smart***-y. I like and can appreciate a smart***.

Answer 14

Silly Phil, the nanny gets PAID the money.  Don't you know it's the person who forks over the dough that gets to claim the kid?

Look at the mess International Adoption has turned into.  It's all about the money honey.  People will pay a lot of cash to be the mommy.

Nannies are mothers.  Ha!  Crazy talk!

Answer 15

If you have any questions about who the mother title belongs to, read the name on the birth certificate/adoption decree.

Answer 16

I have to second what Isabel said, and add that the first time the kid accidentally calls the nanny "Mommy" when first learning that word, the threatened adopter is going to fire the nanny.  And then after that, every time the nanny cares about the kid, gets too close, becomes "friends", and you know, tries to "usurp" Mommie's place in the child's life, the nanny will be out on her a$$.  So, there won't be anyone else for the child to call Mommie.  Convenient, eh?

Answer 17

Phil,

Thank you for pointing out the issues involved in simply naming the person who does the majority of childcare and raising as the mother.  It is not as cut and dry as stating that the "real" mother is the person who primarily wiped the child's nose, took him to the park, cleaned and kissed his scrapes, listened to his cries and held him during those times.  

The highly successful and wealthy Jennie Grossinger of Grossinger's Resort in New York struggled with the knowledge that she was publicly known as a mothering figure due to the hospitality she showed her guests, yet had allowed her daughter to be raised by a nanny.  Ms. Grossinger's daughter relied on the companionship and aid of her nanny up until the time she left for college at the age of 18.  Does this mean that Ms. Grossinger was not her daughter's mother?  Why, the very sound of such a statement makes no sense.  

Answer 18

If you are adopted, your adoptive mother is your mom regardless of if you were raised by someone else. It is the same if you are a biological child. You could be raised by a nanny, but your mother is still your mother. I mean, fathers hardly ever raise their kids but nobody would ever say that the nanny is their father because the nanny raised the kids. its an interesting thing to think about though.

Answer 19

Very good question.

As someone who has nannied over 50  kids (yes 50, I counted!), I was very, very close with some of them and loved them deeply.  That said, I was never their mother although I may as well have been in some instances.  However, these kids I cared for, no matter how little they saw of their parents, they loved them so much and I became good at explaining to them why they didn't get to see them much like other kids and we talked about them constantly.

I would never have presumed to be their mother hence why I say it is possible to love and care for children without being their mommy or daddy.  I love kids and it saddens me to know there are so many children out there who need homes.  We are looking to be foster parents some day when we are in a better position ourselves and if a child wants to stay with us permanently/indefinitely, we would certainly keep them.  However, I don't have the need to replace that child's mother or any child's mother for that fact.  

I would NEVER adopt as I have seen firsthand the pain it has caused and continues to cause... places like this board is just evident to me adoption has seen its last use and now its time to move onto other way to care for children desperately in need.  Adoption ran out of its use when babies were seen as a commodity and had to be acquired at all cost for the adoptive couple.

Answer 20

Well, I guess that depends on the child/person, adopted or not. Some people that were raised by someone else that the legal parent (such as a nanny, the grandmother, and so on) do have strong feelings for that person that raised them, and see her as a mother as well. Some don't.

I don't believe that no one else than the woman that raise you is your mother, but I do believe that the person that actually was there with and for you while you were growing up, takes a very special place in your heart, and it doesn't mean you can't have feelings also for your "actual" mother (being in this case the birth mother, or the legal parent). Who do decide to call mother is completely up to you.