If you are adopted, have you searched out your birth parents?

Question

Were you glad you did, or did you wish you hadn't? Were you happy or disappointed with what you found?

I am trying to decide if I should search my birth mother out. She gave my sister and I up for adoption when we were 6 & 7 years old. I remember her and have often wondered where she is and how she is doing. I have her social security # because it was on my original birth certificate, which I got a copy of when my sister and I were still in foster care for a memory book thing our social worker had us make.

Honestly I am scared to find her because I'm afraid that I will be diappointed in what I find. She wasn't a very fit parent and she made so many poor decisions while we lived with her that it really was best that she gave us up for adoption. We were adopted by wonderful people and when I think of my 'parents', it is my adoptive parents that I think of and love the absolute most. I am fiercely loyal to them, but I worry about my birth mother and want to know that she's OK.

Answer 1

I have, but haven't found anyone.  A close relative of mine looked for his, found some relatives but not the bio-parents, and over all it was a neutral experience.  Another close relative of mine (adoption is popular in my and my in-laws family it seems lol!), found her bio parents/bio family, and it was like 10% positive, and 90% torture.  She DOES NOT like anyone in her bio family and they don't like her, except for one sibling.  She keeps in touch with the one sibling, but avoids the rest of the family at all costs, and the feeling is mutual.

Answer 2

I'm not adopted

Answer 3

Yes - I have searched and found.

Yes - I am glad I finally searched - as I finally now know my truth - my story - who I look like/act like/have talents like.

It's an absolute roller-coaster ride - but all worth it.

I also have a sister - adopted before myself - and we are so very alike. We've been in reunion for almost 3 yrs now.

I have 2 sets of parents (2 adoptive - 2 bio) - and many siblings - both adopted and bio.

They are all a part of me.

That's my reality.

They are all very important to many in many different ways.

Without knowing them all - I wouldn't fully know who I am - and I lived that life for far too long.

Be very careful of your expectations - things never work out how we think they will.

Keep them low - then most anything can work out well.

If you need any support - a great online support forum (and helpers for searching) can me found here -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

I'm considering it, too. My situation is drastically different from yours, but my parents (the ones who raised me) have always told me that I am welcome to look for and have a relationship with my bio-parents.

If you feel like you need to look for her, it seems like you should. Even if it is disappointing, you always have your parents to turn to for support.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

I wish I never met my birth parents. I was in foster care all my childhood. Birth & foster family hate me.

Answer 6

People change, and hopefully, your 1st mom has done so for the better.  You might do your searches in an anonymous way, by setting up a contact point for her by means of e-mail, or a post-office box, and later, a pre-paid cell phone, if you feel at all like she might end up being a danger to you and your family.  My fiance is getting ready to meet his brother who was given up for the first time.  They are 48 and 44 years old (fiance=44).  His brother loves his Aparents, and now, he's met his mom and is glad he did.  I find it amazing that even though they weren't raised together, it's amazing at how many hobbies, and life events they share.  They both drive extended cab Chevy's (same year model), both have raised kids that weren't theirs and have attempted to adopt them while they were young and couldn't, then both tried as adults.   Both of the gold, fish, hunt, enjoy racing, and the same TV shows.  His wife and I joke saying they're identical twins in some ways.  They both sound identical on the phone.  You could have siblings out there that would love to meet you too.  

Enter into the search realistically.  Set your sights low, so you won't be disappointed.  Be thankful to her that she allowed you to be adopted into a family where you are loved.  Good luck on a happy reunion, and be safe about bringing it on.  

Also, you give me hope in the fact the way you describe your adoptive parents.  I'm an adoptive mother of a now 10 month old boy.

Answer 7

Very briefly then : my adopted sister did - it was a nightmare and a disaster. I decided not to.

Answer 8

My husbands dad was adopted! He wants to find his real parents, but its one of those things he doesnt know were to begin! He was adopted the second he was born! I always think how it would be to be adopted and find your orignal parents!

Answer 9

I was adopted when I was 5 and my brother was 7. I found my birth father and at first he was very sorry and wanted all of my attention. It soon became obvious why he gave us up though. He is an alcoholic and only has time for his trashy girlfriends (he's been divorced 4 times). It was a huge dissapointment but I have never regretted meeting him just to hear him say he was sorry. It somehow made me feel more complete. I also met my birth mother's family (she died when I was 3) and they were very nice, honest, wonderful people. I keep in touch with them and love them very much. This all happened in the last year. I am having a baby in December. It will have absolutely nothing to do with my birth father but I want it to know it has another wonderful family besides my mother and fathers and besides my husband's.

Answer 10

My parent's were actually vampires.

Answer 11

*Were you glad you did, or did you wish you hadn't? Were you happy or disappointed with what you found?

My feelings were all over the place. I was all of the above all at one time.

*Were you glad you did

Verrrrry glad. I searched for 18 years. For me I needed to see her eyes, hands and smell. Sounds odd but just something I needed. Perfect it wasn't but finally knowing and hearing her side made a huge difference.

*wish you hadn't?

I felt a lot of guilt for finding my mom even though my apars  were far from close to me and  had been dead for years.

I also had a hard time listening to all my new found family discuss growing up sister stories that should have been mine.

So  bitter sweet.

*Were you happy

I am very happy to know my mom and 2 of my older sisters. Happy to have just found my dad recently and meeting him face to face on this coming Monday. No longer an oval soul on a round planet.

*or disappointed with what you found?

Nope, Found what I needed . Be it good or bad just knowing means a lot.

Answer 12

I met my BM in my mid-20's.  All I can say is make sure the reunion is something you want to do and are ready to do.  My mother (adopted) was a driving force behind my reunion, she felt I should search and ask unanswered questions and with me wanting to be a mom myself she thought medical history was important.  I began the search but my whole heart was not into it and this maybe part of my reunion problema.

I was happy with my family and my life and really did not want to add new people into my circle.  I feel if I would of waited, I then would of been more prepared.  Do not get me wrong, I do believe that everyone wonders and at some point in their life should search, but I think an adult searching can handle the reunion better than a teenager or young adult who live in a what if reality.

I am in reunion with my BM, but it is sketchy at best.  She came into my life with such a driving force, I felt she was trying to take up her place as my mother and I quickly had to step back from the relationship.  She knows and understands my feelings now, whether she respects them that is another issue, but currently we are working on a friendship.  We speak a couple times a year, but communications are limited.  I can not say I was disappointed, but the reunion was not what I expected.  I am glad I searched because it does give me great appreciation for my life and my family who raised me.

I have met my BF and our relationship is more solid and honest.  He was very truthful with me regarding my adoption and what he went through throughout the years.  He is like, I guess the best way to say it, like the cool uncle.   We have open communications and great friendship.

As for yourself, you were at an age where you remember what you went through.  All I can say is do not set your expectations high.  If you lived through the 6/7 years of disappointment do not expect much, that way if she is doing better with her life you can be pleasantly surprised.

Answer 13

I did search out my first mom.  We reunited last summer (right around this time).  We've met in person twice, called each other a handful of times, and e-mail nearly every day.  It was, for me, one of the best things I ever did for myself.

It is completely natural to be scared.  And it's wise to be prepared for anything you might find.  In the intervening years, she may have gotten herself together.  Or she may not have.  It may be disappointing or a happy occasion.  No one knows until you actually reach her.  The question becomes, is any potential disappointment worth the risk?  Do you want the answers to your questions more than you care about whether it works out well?  For me, I did.  I was prepared for her to be dead or to reject me.  I was prepared for someone who never got her life together.  (I should say, I was intellectual prepared.  I'm not sure I was emotionally prepared.)  But I found my mom, and I was glad for that.

I, too, have parents (adoptive parents) who I love and feel a great deal of loyalty for.  But my searching for my first mom wasn't about them.  It was about me.  They understood that.  

I wish you luck.  If you want to talk to other adoptees, this is a great on-line forum:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Many, many adoptees, many of whom have gone through this exact thing...  

Again, good luck to you...

Answer 14

I think if you're that curious about your birth mother, then you should try to find her when you can do it without putting any expectations on her or any possible relationship between the two of you.  If you set expectations up front, you're sure to be disappointed.  She might not be doing well... but if you do make contact you'll know she's alive, but not much more than that.  Regardless, putting your hopes, dreams, wishes and expectations on her life isn't fair to do to either of you.  

Good Luck!! :)

Answer 15

I'm in the middle of looking right now. No dout its going to be very hard but the best think I did was I went and talked to someone at my church about it and she got me ready mentely and sperachly for doing this. I would say go talk to someone that can help you perpare for it then go for it!

Answer 16

yes my older sister found me throught myspace actually. i had it under my birth name not my adopted name. she and my other older sister lived with my dad at the time. and i hadnt seen them since i was 3 (i was 16 wen they found me) and then a year ago my moms mom found us through myspace also (thanks to myspace) and to tell you the truth im very happy that i have my siblings in my life again and my dad but my mom is breaking my heart because she comes off like she cares and then still wont come and see me. so you never know what your going to find. but if you have a good family try not to hurt them but maybe tell them that you are worried about her and maybe they will help you with it. just make sure they know that you love them and arent going to trash them wen you find her.

Answer 17

I did find my birth parents and I have been in a relationship with them for 4+ years.  I know there are many who don't agree with me but I, personally, have 4 parents -- a mother and a father who created me and brought me into the world and a mother and father who raised me up and taught me about this world.  I'm only speaking for myself here (since that was the question) but in my case it was a good thing -- the BEST thing -- I've ever done with respect to being adopted.  I love all of my parents and have come to understand the 'whole' story behind my birth and adoption.  It doesn't always work out this well.  I know many adopted people who have searched with bad results (my brother, for one) and many who have chosen not to search at all.  I respect their personal reasons for all of these things and I don't necessarily believe that searching/reunion is for everyone.

I was placed with my adopted parents at just over 2 weeks old, so I have no conscious memories of my life before being adopted.

Best of luck!

Answer 18

I went looking for my bio parents, and found them! However, they refuse to answer any of my phone calls, even through the local department of social services. Please remember that no matter what happens, you have a great family and parents that love you and chose you.

Answer 19

Okay, I met my real mom and my real family.  I do not regret meeting them at all.  It all depends on if you are strong enough to hear the truth.  Once you met them, you can always keep contact down to what you want it to be.  I do not think it is a bad thing to met your real parents.  I do not regret it at all.  The only thing is , you have to be prepared to hear what you might not want to hear.  Every case is different.  I had to give up my own daughter for adoption myself, and I am hoping that she will want to contact me so I can explain what happened.  Everybody has a story.  My story with my daughter being adopted is not the same as my adoption that I had went through.  Just keep in open mind and be prepared for whatever they say or do is all i can say.. good luck to you.  please let us know how it turns out!!

Answer 20

I have reunited with both my n-mom and n-dad, which has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in finding who I am. It was hard, though, especially meeting my n-mom. She's still not in a very good place (due to drugs and alcohol), but even though it was painful to see her in that state, it was so good for my personal growth.

And my search for my n-family does not mean that I don't love my a-parents! I have 4 parents and that's just the way it is!! I love my a-parents a ton, but that still doesn't make me un-adopted...

The thing that helped me the most in my search and reunion was to go slowly. I would do a little searching and then wait awhiel to get more used to the idea, then do a little more. It's taken me a few years, but it's been a really great experience.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 21

NO NO NO

Answer 22

I was adopted and have been looking for years....no luck.  I have wonderful, loving parents but i have always wanted to know my birth parents.

You have to do what your heart tells you but be careful, if you were given up at the age of 7 she probably had some issues and you should just leave well enough alone.

Answer 23

My ex was adopted, and he decided that he was never going to search to find out about his birth parents because they weren't his parents. They left him when he needed them the most.

Answer 24

You can love all four of your parents.

You don't have to feel "loyal" to one set more than the other. Searching for your birth parents has NOTHING to do with the love you have for your parents, please make sure you understand that.

The best I can give you: don't expect anything. You'll never know what's on the other end unless you try, but don't have ANY expectations. Go into it with a completely open mind.

Answer 25

Hi Hellokerry,

Firstly, you need to know that searching for your first parents in no way means that you love your adoptive parents any less.  Plenty of adoption people search and have great relationships with their adoptive families.  Many have actually found that their relationships with their adoptive families have become better after reunion, no matter how good or not good the reunion is.  There's just something about knowing the truth that can do that in a person's life.

I was adopted at 2.  Seven years ago I searched and reunited with my first family.  It has been a great experience for me and for them.  My first father and his family had been searching for me as well.  My first mother had already passed away, but I have a good relationship with her step-father.  

Although there are plenty of good reunions, not all reunions go like mine.  Some are just so-so and some don't go well.  Therefore, it's really hard to make the decision to search based on how other peoples' reunions have gone.

I have a close friend whose reunion with her first parents has been what she describes as "disappointing."  The relationships are very up and down.  However, one thing she will state for certain is that knowing the truth beats wondering, hands down.

Searching and reuniting doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship.  No one is obligated to do that if they just don't get along with or like the other parties.  Your first parents may have changed.  Maybe they haven't.  You may also find that you have other relatives that you didn't know about who you will want to know.  For example, my friend who is disappointed with her reunion with her first parents has found that she has a very good relationship with her 1/2-brother's family.  This has been  a positive relationship that she's enjoyed for many years.  In my own case, even if my relationship with my first father wasn't good like it is, I found that my entire first family on that side wanted to know me.  So, I've got aunts, uncles and cousins with whom I enjoy good relationships, too.

You don't know what you're going to find, but you may decide that it's better than finding nothing.  Finding that my first mother was dead wasn't something I wanted to find, but now there is resolution.  It's better than not knowing at all and wondering.