If you are adopting, or were adopted..?

Question

When would you tell your baby that he or she was adopted, or when did your adopted parents tell you? Did you ever use it against them as in "You're not my REAL mother!"

We want to adopt and this is my biggest worry.. I want to do it right.

Answer 1

I was adopted and I used to always use that line on my mother, but then I realized, she was my real mother. She had taken care of me my whole life, unlike my biological mother. My parents told me when I was 6 because I kept on wondering why i didn't look like anyone in the family lol

Good luck with it, its worth helping a kid out.

:)

- A

Answer 2

I was adopted as an infant.  I don't remember my parents "telling" me -- in a 'sit down for a serious chat' type way -- that I was adopted.  As far as memory serves, I always knew.  It was part of my 'story'.  Many parents tell their children the story of mommy's pregnancy and the child's own birth.  It was much like that for me.  My parents told me about applying to adopt, waiting, getting the phone call, and picking me up (I also have two adopted siblings, one older and one younger).  My brother's adoption story was one I heard often, as well.  I REMEMBER my sister's adoption as I was 8 years old at the time.

Repeating something doesn't necessarily mean it will be a 'big deal' or seen as something 'odd'.  I do understand where you're coming from with that, though, and I agree with your logic.  I agree with you that sooner is better than later.

As to the "you're not my REAL mom" thing...yes, I said it.  Probably a lot, though I can remember only a few time clearly.  My older sister (biologically born to our parents) also said, "I WISH you weren't my mom!" and friends of mine (with no adoptees in the family) did too, so I don't think there's a way out of that as a parent.  Kids say mean things sometimes.  Some (hopefully few) parents do too.  Even great parents will probably do something to 'tick off' a pre-teen/teen child every now and then.  I wouldn't sweat it too much.  As an adult, do I consider my adoptive mom my 'real' mom?  Yes, absolutely.  I have four VERY REAL parents -- two natural (biological), two adopted.  I love them all.

I hope this helps.  The fact that you are asking says a lot of good things about you.  No parent (adoptive or otherwise) is perfect.  Best of luck to you!!

Answer 3

My husband is adopted. His parents always told him that he was, therefore there was little confusion. He has never once thought of his parents as not being his "real" parents because to him, and most adopted children they consider their adopted parents to be their real parents because they have always been there. My husband still has no desire to meet his biological parents because he says he already knows his real parents.

However it is never good to wait to tell the children, they end up confused. I know of a child who thinks that everyone has birth parents and then real parents. Therefore it is best to have them always know they are and have them understand what that means.  

Answer 4

My parents told me from the time I was an infant and I've done that same with my son. It seems weird at first but that is the best way to avoid some big Ah-HA! moment. I don't ever remember being told that I was adopted and I don't think he will either.

Interestingly, telling them frequently in very matter of fact terms is the best way to be sure that it ISN'T a big issue. It's just something interesting about our family.

My son is seven now and just the other day we were talking about school. He is a planner and very bright and has asked many times about what will happen when he is a grown up. He also has been wanting a baby and I've told him that we are not going to have one so he will have to wait until he's ready to be a father. So he says to me Mom, when I get married and decided whether to make a a baby or have an adoption do I get to name the baby anything I want?

I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that he so fully understood the choices that we make about families.

I was a fairly awful 13 year old girl but never pulled the "not my real mother" stunt. I don't know how many children go there but I know that I said any number of things at that age that my parents had to choose to overlook and move beyond. In all honesty I don't think it would be a big deal if my son chose to go there.

Answer 5

I brought my son home when he was just about 8 months old.  When he was a baby, we'd look at our family album and talk about how our family was made up.  When he was old enough to ask questions, I'd answer them in an honest positive and as age-apropriate, matter of fact way.  

In the future, I'm sure he'll pull the "You're not my real mother!" argue out of his hat.  Right now, he's almost 4 and he says "I don't like you." when he is mad at me.  I just say, "Well, I love you and always will."  I leave it at that.  I'd rather him speak his mind than bottle it up inside of him.  Another thing he'll say when I scold him for something is, "I'm not your friend anymore."...  I get it, I understand it and sometimes I thank him for using his words instead of crying about things.

Answer 6

I was adopted and grow up knowing.  I do not remember a time that I didn't know.  Keeping this truth from the child is unhealthy.  Dropping a bomb on the child, even just 5 years down the road, is also unhealthy.  This is something that needs to be open from the very start.  You can Google the term "Late Discovery Adoptee" to see how keeping it from the child can affect him/her as well as affect the relationship with the adoptive parents.

I never used the phrase "You're not my real mother" against my adoptive mom.  However, if you are going to be a parent, you need to be prepared for the possibility of hearing some very hurtful remarks from your children when they are angry.  

It's not right to use your fear of being hurt to keep the child's truth from him or her.  You are the adult and you need to realize that sometimes children say mean things to their parents when they are angry.  It is still, however, your responsibility to be honest about something so vital as your child's origins.

Answer 7

Someone came to my blog a while ago, read the posts about how an adopted child may feel about their relinquishment, then said:

"My daughter is only two! I cannot believe some of these questions that my daughter is asking, but here they are: why her China mommy did not keep her, why she was in the orphanage, if her China mommy ever thinks of her, etc."

So please don't underestimate the intelligence of a toddler. Even a toddler at age 2 of 3 can understand that "adopted" does not mean "from the *now* mommy's tummy" but from another mommy's tummy.

They should always know the truth. It doesn't mean you have to explain that eggs and sperm collide to create a fetus. It just means they should always be aware that there was another mommy who gave birth to them and couldn't keep them even though she loved them.

My blog explains it a bit better.

http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/

Answer 8

hehe i'm part native american and adopted :) lol

anyway, i grew up just knowing i was. I do not know how they told me, nor do i remember a specific time when they sat me down and told me.  I think the earlier the better and don't make a big deal out of it.  Sitting them down when they are old enough and telling them is going to make it a bigger deal, know what I mean? For me, it was so matter of fact that's just the way it was.

go to the bookstore or online bookstore (i just checked amazon) and search for adoption under children's books. There are oodles of them, one in particular called "I wished for you" by Marianne Richmond looks cute to me! But browse around and find ones you like! I would make a couple of them routine bedtime stories from baby on and at some point you can tell your little one they are adopted just like x in the story.  Just an idea :)

As far as "your not my real mom" comments, I do not think there is any way of avoiding it.  Every kid, regardless of adoption or natural child, etc, is going to sling hurtful comments their parents way at some point or other. As an adoptee, that's a natural one to use.  Keep heart though, they won't mean it.  I know i said it to my parents more then once, and it's all rubbish.  

Answer 9

I am adopted and my parents told me right from the start.  In fact, I can't ever remember not knowing.  I think they explained it very simply at first.  Like "I could not have a baby in my tummy,etc.".  I guess I always asked "what make you pick me, mommy?" and she would always have some great answer like "because you were the most beautiful one!".  When I was 4, they adopted a baby boy and I remember going to the adoption office and holding him.  It was so cool---and normal to me.  I don't ever remember using the you're not my real mother line.  But, kids (especially teens) will always try to get under your skin!  I've never heard of anyone regretting telling their kids early- but I always hear tons of stories about regrets telling kids later in life.  It's really like lying in my book.  So, tell your kids right from the start!

Answer 10

We started talking with my son about adoption the moment we brought him home.  He was 72 hours old.

I don't remember not knowing I was adopted, and yes, while I was a teen, I used the dreaded "you're not my real mom"

But as an adult, I have TWO sets of real parents, the ones who raised me, and the ones who gave birth to me.

The more you talk with your child about her adoption, the more a normal part of her life it will be.

The more you keep her first family in her life, the less confused and frustrated she will be.

Good luck with your adoption.

Answer 11

We include it in everyday conversation, so the word doesn't appear as a scary thing later on.  He's 11 months old, and recently, his 1st mother came to meet him, and he went to her better than some total strangers, however, it was me that he wanted when he was tired, hungry, wanted to be held, etc.  I know that I'd never wait until a child was ready to go to school to tell them.  

Give the child enough information that they can process.  For instance, when you have the s*x talk with kids, you don't go from a stork brought you to the whole thing about intercourse.  You tell the truth at all time, that mommy and daddy loved them, and they grew in mommy's belly.  With an adopted child, you give them as much information as they can handle, with it always being the truth.

Answer 12

You've already got a lot of really good answers, but can I still make my own suggestion? I was adopted as an infant. I don't remember how old I was when my mom finally came right out and told me I was adopted, but I do remember that it was a sit-down conversation, and it must have happened between the ages of 5 and 10 for me (I remember sitting on my bed in the house we live in now, and we moved into that house when I was four). Anyway, two suggestions:

1) Don't use any weird metaphors to explain adoption to your kid(s). My mom used to tell me that I "grew in her heart, not in her stomach," which just..really weirded me out. I though she was being literal and for ages I had these images of her being pregnant but of her chest getting bigger and bigger, not her belly like on all the other pregnant women I had ever seen. These days, I know what she meant, but it still strikes me as a really odd thing to say and I don't think it helped my childhood understanding of adoption at all. It probably would have been better for me if she had just used the word "adopted" from the very beginning, along with age-appropriate explanations of what that meant. Don't underestimate kids, they can often handle and understand more than adults give them credit for.

2) Be prepared for their questions. I remember asking my mom if she thanked my birth mom for me. You might not have to deal with a question like that, but you never know. Also realize that, as your adopted child gets older, he/she might have some questions about adoption like what the birth parents were like, why they put their child up for adoption, whether or not there are health problems they need to know about, and the like. Obviously I can't speak for all adoptees, but for me having calm, open answers to those questions is important. I still haven't gotten those answers and I think it's because my parents feel threatened. So if your kids ever ask things like that, please don't feel threatened. It doesn't mean they're going to run out and try to find their birth parents and abandon you.

3) Be prepared to help them deal with social misconceptions about adoption. Much of society is still ignorant about adoption. While I was in graduate school studying anthropology, I worked as a teaching assistant and often found myself having to explain adoption to students who had been raised by society to believe that a family consists of people related by blood, that you couldn't possibly love children that weren't your "own" (i.e. you biological kids), that adopted kids can't possibly be normal, and the like. Hopefully by the time your kids are old enough to encounter these attitudes, either society will have advanced more and this won't even be an issue or your kids will be secure in themselves and will be able to handle questions about adoption intelligently and eloquently. While your kids are growing up, you can let them know that adoptive families are no more or less normal than other kinds of families in a variety of ways -- you can find children's books featuring adoptive families (you might have to dig for them but they are out there), you can find other adoptive families in your area to befriend, and the like.

I have my email activated so feel free to email me anytime if you want. I can elaborate on answers, give you more example, and give you cross-cultural examples of adoption and adoption practices.

Answer 13

My son knew all along as he was 3 when he came to us. We try to include the memory of his mom the best we can. We talk about her, and I tell him all the little things I know about her, like how much he looks like her and what her favorite subject was in school. We keep a pic of her on our fridge and remember her in our prayers together. My daughter was 18 months, and did not have a concept of the adoption. We have told her her story and continue to do so. I think it is much healthier for them this way. If you are comfortable with their adoption, or the fact they have been adopted, there is a better chance they might be too. Also, showing acceptance of his or her natural family when appropriate will also instill self-esteem in the child.

There is no doubt in my mind that someday my children will yell at me in a fit of rage "You're not my mother." It will hurt but I am prepared. My plan is to say " Well I love you whether or not you came from my belly, and it is my job to protect you and guide you." i have been rehearsing this in my head since day one. I think it is a natural statement from a child when they are in a fit of anger. So is "I hate you!"

Kids are kids whether they are adopted or not and they are gonna say hurtful things as they grow. The key is to steel yourself for the moment and remember that it is not a personal attack, even if it feels like one.

ETA you can make their adoption history a part of their personal story just as you would the birth of a child. I remember my mom telling me about where she was the day she went into labour, how long she was at the hospital, how she felt about the first time she saw me etc etc. I do this with my kids, except the story is different because of the adoption. My youngest LOVES to hear her adoption story. It makes her feel good to know her history and how my husband and I felt.