If you are in reunion why do you continue to complain?

Question

Please help me understand. I do see that you miss your parents. However you also say that you are happy with your adoptive parents. If you are in reunion why do you continue to complain? Do you not have the best of both worlds?

Answer 1

Being in reunion with my relinquished daughter is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'd hardly call it the best of both worlds but it is the best given the past circumstances.  Separating a baby and mother is cruel and brutal to both.  Reunion requires cleansing and healing that take  tremendous energy.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to reclaim my daughter.  We are living in the same world as her aparents.  There are not different worlds for adoptees and nparents and aparents.  We all live here.

Answer 2

I'm always amazed by such complex questions from newbies.  Hmmmm.

Anyway, as you might have read here before, it's about LOSS.  If your house burned down, and you lost irreplaceable things, would you still "complain"?  Sure you would, and those are only THINGS.

Try,try, to imagine if it were PEOPLE that you lost.  I know trying to explain to the non-adopted what this sort of loss is like is nearly impossible.

So the next time you see someone with a prosthetic leg, remind them never to complain, becuase it's the same as the leg they lost, okay?

Or if people are replaceable, as you imply with your comparison of adoptive parents, let me take your spouse away, and assign you a new one, mmkay?  We'll bring them back in 20 years, then you "have the BEST of both worlds", right?

Answer 3

My son is 5 years old. He is adopted. He was adopted at the age of 3.

He more than merely "misses" his mother. He grieves her like she is dead. The traumas that he has experienced was multiplied when they took him from her (even though it was necessary). I am not sure if you have ever lost the most important person in your world to you, but I believe this is the equivalent as a child losing his mother.

He grieves her in every breath he takes, and he will continue to do so even when they eventually reunite: he will grieve the mother she never was to him.

He loves me and I am a good mom, but I can never replace what he was suppose to have with his own mother.

Why would I silence him, or others who are looking for reform in situations where their needs to be reform, by telling them not to complain, or by minimizing their experience by telling them they should be happy for having "the best of both worlds?"

Answer 4

44 States still have sealed records.   I for one won't stop 'complaining' until adult adoptees are no longer stigmatized and discriminated against.

Thanks for asking.

Which part of the triad are you and how is your life affected by adoption, might I be so bold to ask

Answer 5

It is a myth that reunion solves everything.   It never gives back what you lost:  the years together, the experiences, the vast hole in the life of an adoptee as to "where did i come from?  who am i?" or the black hole of emptiness and pain inside the mother grieving the loss of her child.  reunion can never erase the pain of those losses.  

Think about it:  if you lost your parents for 20, 30, or more years, would the rest of your lives together with a relationship damaged from the years of separation, ever make up for the long years lost?  no.

adoptees forever have lost the experience of having been raised by their natural parents and having their original identity unchanged.  natural mothers have forever lost the experience of having been able to raise their child.  reunion does not take away these losses and in fact highlights them in many cases.  

Answer 6

Your question is gross.

You obviously have not lost your entirely family due to abandonment/adoption.

Best of both worlds??? I seriously need to vomit now.

And I'm highly offended.

Pfffft

Answer 7

Obviously you think it's great fun to deny those adoptees who wish to have access to their adoption records. on top of that you think that those of us who speak out about needed reforms that would benefit all involved in adoption are anti-adoption.  Excuse me for standing up for adoptive parents who get taken advantage of sometimes by adoption agencies. Yes adoption agencies are more in it for the many, than placing children in needed homes. AP's have to shell out money to the extreme, that really isn't fair to them. Speaking about these reforms is not complaining. YOU are are complaining because you want adoptive parents being taken advantage of, YOU want all records sealed so those adoptees who want access to be denied, YOU DON'T WANT ADOPTEES TO KNOW THEIR BIOLOGICAL FAMILIES. SEE you are the one complaining, because you think it is so funny to make fun of others who want their records or know their adoptive families. YOU say are happy, but you and other adoptees who say they are happy spit upon those of us who have relationships with our b-families and want reforms. WHATEVER!!

Answer 8

Heather hit a big nail on the head right there in her answer.  It's not simply about parents.  Adopted children become adults.  Despite this, the state governments in 44 states do not treat us with the same dignity or equality under the law compared to the non-adopted.  This has absolutely nothing to do with either set of parents.

When a child is given up for adoption, the original birth record remains UNsealed.  It remains that child's only legal birth certificate.  If the child is never adopted, that record is never sealed.  However, upon the finalization of an adoption by the court, the birth record is sealed along with everything else in the adoption file.  If the adoption fails, the original birth certificate is unsealed, and again becomes the child's only legal birth certificate.  In 6 states -- Oregon, Alabama, New Hampshire, Maine, Kansas and Alaska -- adult adopted citizens can apply for and receive their own original birth records, just like non-adopted citizens.  Kansas and Alaska never sealed records from adopted citizens.  The other 4 have restored this right.  In all of the other states, adopted citizens are discriminated against in that they must fall within various guidelines or petition a court to attempt to receive their own birth records.  This discrimination is based solely one one's status as "adopted."  The non-adopted, including those given up for adoption but not currently adopted, are not subject to this discrimination.  

Further, if my only concern were whether or not *I* had what I want, that would be incredibly selfish.  There are plenty of people touched by adoption who are dealing with the effects of questionable practices and bad laws in adoption.  I make no apologies for acknowledging their situations.

Answer 9

some people just like to whine...................alot.

Answer 10

You know I am not adopted but have considered adoption for a long time and I feel the pain your answerer's are trying to get across to you. Maybe next time we will think before asking ridiculous questions, okay? It might suet your purpose more. Unless your only goal was to stir things up. If they are upset maybe people should listen, instead of telling them if and when they should complain.

Answer 11

I don't think people are complaining.  They are here expressing grief which is an entirely different thing.  They aren't out finding strangers to complain to, they are on a website communicating with others who have experienced the same loss. Most actually seem pretty thankful that they have reunited.  

I am not in reunion, and it occurs to me that maybe those who have reunited feel more grief because they know exactly what it is that they have lost, and they can't recapture that time.  As someone who has not met my bmother, I have no idea what I lost.  It is easy to convince myself that I probably didn't lose much as a way to keep myself from grieving. When and if I do reunite, I may feel  differently.

Grieving and complaining are just not the same things.  You can tell a person to stop complaining, you cannot tell a person to stop grieving.

Answer 12

Would you be asking this of POW's, who are now in reunion?

The fact is, some adoptees lost so much time with their families.

I lost my sister from the time she was almost 3 'til 21. I still greive the loss of my little sis. It's just not the same.

Answer 13

you guys, this person is full of it. Save your time.  

Answer 14

Which part of the triad are you, again? :\

You seem to really want to understand. I could rant, but I really don't feel like exposing my heart and soul to the public. So I'll answer your question with a question... some food for thought.

[If you are in reunion why do you continue to complain?]

If your best friend dies and you make another best friend shortly after, would you like someone to tell you "why are you grieving your original best friend, after all you have a new best friend now"?

[Do you not have the best of both worlds?]

Can you tell me how I can possibly have the "best" of both worlds when my mother lives half a globe away from me and doesn't speak or write the same language as me?

I'm not seeing the "best" here.

I wrote an entry trying to explain how I felt. http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/ It's the third post down, called "Imitation."

If you read my post here, and then decide to read that blog entry, and still don't understand, feel free to message me. I can try and explain it further.