If you could snap your fingers and change the world of adoption...?

Question

...what would you change?

I can't limit it to one thing, personally, so I won't ask you to, either. If I could snap my fingers and change the world of adoption, I would make everyone instantly educated about the loss an adoptee must experience in order to gain a new family (I'm not talking about the "feeling" of loss, which some do not apparently experience, but the actual loss of the biological family, without which adoption cannot occur - just to clarify). My feeling with this is that if everyone were educated about the loss that adoptees experience, then IF they have FEELINGS of loss, no one would minimize that.

I would also instantly change the laws so that birth certificates are never changed or sealed, no adoptions can be completely closed, and all those people who want closed adoptions simply move on over to the "right" side.

One more thing (for now anyway)...I would instantly remove any feelings of entitlement and fear of loss from AP's. ALL we need is love.

Answer 1

1)Open records for all adoptees.

2)Legally enforce open adoption for those bmoms who request it.

Answer 2

1.  That all children everywhere, would having loving, safe parents who treasure them, protect them, and support them for their entire lives.  Knowing that is not feasible, that all children everywhere, would have loving, safe parents who treasure them, protect them, and support them for their entire lives, no matter when they come into their lives.

2.  That those of us who are affected by adoption would stop blaming and shaming each other, and realize, that while we have different experiences, and different perspectives, most of us are good people with good intentions, and most of us care passionately about the children of adoption.

3.  That those affected by or not affected by adoption, would stop blaming and shaming the rest of us, treating some of us as special, some as unethical or some as weird, for adopting or being adopted, and tolerate or support others decisions that they may not understand.

Answer 3

to Gaia and all respondees... excellent suggestions/ideas.

As an adoptee ... there is only one thing that I would change. i would eliminate the shame that our society places on adoption - the birth parents, the adoptive parents, the child...everything. Even though so much has changed over the last several years... so many places are still so far behind and so much is still closed and secret and shameful.

Without shame.... adoptees would not have the burning hole in their soul that tells them that they aren't worthy, that they didn't matter as were sent away. Without shame... people would be more willing to adopt first... and not as a last resort.... without shame.... birth parents would be empowered with knowing that they are being the best parent that they can be instead of being made to feel inadequate or bad or dirty. Without shame... there is no embarrassment and all children would be treasured.

Answer 4

I guess I am with fidi.  We could of course work on all the other issues of adoption, but what if those who wanted chlidren were able to conceive and those who didn't want children or were not ready to parent did not at that time.  This would negate much of the "demand" side of adoption, adn agencies woudl not coerce those ready to adopt to give up their children.

Yep that is what I would do!

Answer 5

If I could change the world of adoption by snapping my fingers, I would open the hearts of PAPs to accept and love the children with special needs, rather than battling each other for the limited number of healthy babies that are available.    It would be great if there were no need for ANY adoption of healthy infants.   But I think that there will always be children with mental and physical challenges who will need parents because their birth families were unable to care for them.   I also worry about the older children in the system, whose parents had their rights terminated long ago.  I wish all THESE children could find their families!

Answer 6

Hey there,

I was adopted when I was 6 months old. I do not remember anything from before that. I did meet my birth parents before a copule of times. But  I think being adopted was the best thing that ever happend to me. If anything they made me feel special. I was told that as a little kid i would tell everyone " Im adopted". Me and my mom ( the women who raised me) and i have the best relationship even better the that of my brotheres and sisters because they were about to move out when i came along so they all lived togeter and when they left it was just me and her so we got really close, and i love her more then one could imagine and i know she feels the same way. It really makes me angry how some people are against adopion! I think its a great thing for many reasons.

1.Some people cant have children and would want nothing nothing more then to have one and adopion is their only option.

2. Like in my case some birth parents just cant afford or care for a child the way they should and the child would be much better with someone that could.

In some cases yes a child would feel left out or like an out cast but that all depends on the family that adopts or if it is an older child its probbly from experences form his/her childhood that if they were adopted in the first place ( as a baby) they probbly wont feel that way

so to answer your question the only thing i would change about it is that more people would opn there mind and hearts to it because it can be a wonderful thing.

Answer 7

If I could change something it would be that more accidential pregnancies are not terminated or kept by birth parents that can not care for them.  I think people need to realize that adoption is a usually a good thing (I know someone will post there bad things, but out of my 5 best friends 2 are adopted and have had wonderful experiences).

Answer 8

I agree with all that you would want to change Gaia...but let me add....

I want ALL of the hurt / confusion / disbelief..etc that my son is going through right now to go away.  Let me say, that I know these are his feelings and he needs to go through them and mourn the loss of his family...it's just hard to watch him go through this.  As I do not know what he is going through (and wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy) all I can do is be there for him and listen!  He is so little and to have to "comprehend" so much at this stage in his life, to me, its harder than seeing his parents once a week and living away from home (meaning - still living in the world of foster care!!!!!  ARG - I just hate to see him cry!  We had a bad night last night, so I am venting a little!

Answer 9

well not so much the world of adoption just the world of infertility in the people that want babies and the fertility in the ones that dont

Answer 10

I would remove the insane adoption fees, etc. My mother would LOVE to adopt a child. She would give him or her all the love in the world and then some... but we just can't afford it. Don't get me wrong, we aren't what you would call poor (lower-middle class?), food, entertainment, education would never be lacking, but still.

You would think that with all the children in the world that don't have anywhere to go... kinda sad that not a one of them will be able to find my mom.

Answer 11

I've been saying for years that 3 words would change the world it was told and written long ago "love one another"

we should all adoption one another like they say in the army police your area.this is a human world we have the minds to plan ,change ,overcome,love,hope,dream,pray,i would love to get as many people together to set a good plan underway.

everychild sould have the right to know where he or she came from IT'S GOD GIVEN let no one take it from anyone !amen

Answer 12

I would make sure that all adoptions were legal and necessary.  I would make sure that Birthmothers and APs werern't judged based on their decisions to want to be a good mother and do what's right.

Answer 13

For every bit of 'counseling' given by the agency 'professionals' to mothers, the same amount of time needs to be given by family preservationist 'professionals' (e.g.mothers of adoption loss from Origins-usa/Adoption Crossroads/Cub/Exiled mothers)

Completely feasible, no wand needed.  Will.never.happen.

Answer 14

I love the things you would change!!!! And completely agree with all of those issues.... adding to that.....

If I could snap my fingers and change anything about "Adoption" as I know it in my own personal life experience it would be a complete change to the "Post Adoption" supports and understanding people have for and about our families.

I would change the "Psychological" and "mental health" community and demand that they stop only concentrating on One specific issue and consider the whole child and the whole history of the child and the specific needs of that child's family.

Our children are "automatically" labeled to have "attachment" issues as a primary concern. When we seek help to deal with the emotional and often the special needs of some of our children the First Line of action is to assume our children have a primary need for attacment.

This does not support the Adoptive Parents Or The needs of the Child... It places too much attention on every action -- every feeling and every behavior a child shows as being somehow all about a power struggle and an emotional war between the Adoptive Parents--primarily the adoptive mother--and the attachment of the child to them/her.

While attachment is a huge Key and Vital issue--the first line of action--and the Hyper Focus on Attachment is damaging because It should take time for a child--especially an older child--to Develop and Attachment....

When we seek out Psychological or mental health services too much time and attention in the Early stages is placed on the hyper-need for the parents to see healthy attacments signs... Everything else goes unaddressed... Few tools or ideas or therapy is offered for Other Needs of the Child... Specifically in the primary issue of Loss.

I can't see how it is even possible for a child to have a healthy attachment to the parent--if the primary issue of a child is Loss. I didn't expect my children--or specifically my 5 yr old daughter to walk in and fall in love with me. That was an insane expectation for any person to have.

When we witnessed and became aware that our little girl had far more to be concerned over then her attacment and adoration of me and our family. She had real emational, phyisical and abuse issues to deal with--She had significant Loss issues that should have been honored and processed with someone who Gave a c**p... and instead it was all about trying to mold this child to comply and adore her parents!

What the Heck!

It has been a 5 year nightmare of trying to find post adoption services--therapy or support. I didn't become a mother so that I could have children worship me. I became a mother so that I could nurture and raise a child to be an independent and able adult. While I want my children to Attach and learn how to have healthy attachments I could care less if they see me as their honey queen bee.... I would rather they become their own person and leader...

Mental health and post adoption support puts too much focus on looking for compliance--and expressions of love from the child to the parent especially the mother.

If I could fix it right now I would change the whole approach our children face during the initial placement and the first few years. Therapy should be all about the child and the actual family not about some unrealistic sign of submission of a child.

We need skilled and understanding Post Adoption Support and a method to find any developmental--pysical and emotional issues before we get all worked up about "Does this Kid Love her New Mommy?"

We need to look at what happened to this kid...and let them fall in love over time... while we allow them to heal--and go through the stages of grief...let them feel the loss and help them get through it...recognize the other things and how they impact a child and how they heal or process and stop making it all about this need for the parents to see this big show of love and submission.... It honestly makes me really sick that the post adoption support is so focused on the Parents rather then the Kid....

Answer 15

id make it easier for people who need kids and kids who need parents