If you found out that your a-child was looking for their nmother on sites like Myspace...........?

Question

would you get the hint that they want to find their mother and help them or would you try to prevent it from happening?

I'm curious as to what the Ap's that are against contact before 18 think as well as those that are for "sealed records".

Answer 1

Well right ow  she isn't old enough, but if she  were, I'd show her her birth mom's myspace. I have it bookmarked. Sadly right now her BM dosen't want any contact. So I contacted her BM's mother and keep in contact with her thru e mail and phone calls. I send her grandmother pix ect.

Someday when my daughter has questions, at least she has a grandma who can answer some of them...and maybe someday her BM will realize her mistake and want to have contact again

Answer 2

I think very few Aps are against contact or sealed records.. at least nowadays.. Most of us realize that MOST adoptees at some point WILL want to find their birthparents on some level..

Anyway as an AP (Right now I'm PAP) I would fully support my child's search for their firstmother.  

I maybe would want to have a convo with my child as to WHY they felt akward about talking to me and asking for my help to find their nmom.. (in your senareo it sounds like they are trying to search on their own, without asking for help) I'd want to make sure they understood that I supported the search, and wasn't threatened by it, and offer my help. Make sure "we" were "okay"

Answer 3

If I found that my adopted child was doing a search on a site like Myspace or Facebook, I would stop that due to the danger of internet predators.  Advertising something like that on one of those sites is dangerous.

However, I WOULD support a search in a less dangerous forum.  I would "get the hint" as you say.  

And guess what, I really mean it.  I'm not just saying that because I don't want to be seen as a "bad guy".

Answer 4

I would definetly help. Its not like they are trying to replace you but they have a right to know and you should help them or they might hold it against you for a long time. even if you dont help them you cant really prevent it and they will still probably look. If you help them at least they know you are supportive of their decision.

Answer 5

help, dont hinder.

Answer 6

I would help.  I think the child has a right to know where they come from.  It could be very helpful for the well being and peace of mind of the child.

Answer 7

I would feel badly that he was doing it in secret and then tell him that he not only has my blessing to search, but that I would help him if he wished.

I know my son's first mother's full name and have looked on both Facebook and myspace for her but had no luck. I have, however, started the process to get her non-identifying information for my son. I will also periodically check Facebook and myspace for her as she may start an account one of these days!

Answer 8

I have a copy of my child's original bc as I needed it to register him for school.  My son knows his parents / as we are adopting out of foster care and if she EVER gets her life together I would consider letting her be a part of his life if HE wants to...if not then I will support him when he makes that decision.

Answer 9

I would get the hint and try to help them. I am not adopted but I have never met my biological father and it really bothered me as a teenager. I used to search for him too. My mother still won't tell me much about him and it has caused some distance between us. Your child will still love you the same but that person is a part of them and they will feel like that part is missing until they have the answers they are looking for.

Answer 10

I would help my child find their birth parent.  I am an AP of 2 awesome children and would be more than willing to help them find their birth parents someday if they choose.  We actually have one open adoption and one that is not (we wish it was).

Answer 11

As an adoptive parent of a now seven year old who was pro-  contact I can tell you from first hand experience it was disasterous mistake.

My DD is suffering emotionally because her mother makes promises and then doesn't show. One day she wants contact and the other she is sending DDs letters back addressed to her. For %#@#& sake she is seven!!! Last week she watched in horror as her mother attacked her pregnant teen daughter who is also living with us.

I can assure you that in some cases, like my relative, there is/ was a reason for the adoption plan and those same reasons are valid ones to stop all contact and keep the records SEALED!

Oh yes I bought into this flower and butterly view that adoptees should keep contact with their mother/father.

What a mistake!

And people such as yourself are working very hard to perpetuate this LIE to naive pre and adoptive parents.

When she is eighteen and wants to search for her mother again I would support her 110% but no more now....it is done and over. If your able to attack your fourteen year old pregnant daughter then you are TOO dangerous to be around any child and I do not care if you gave birth to her or not.

Answer 12

I wish there was such a thing as Myspace and the internet when I was a teenager!!  lol

It would have made things SO much easier.

Answer 13

Not against it and yes I would help my child.

Fortunately my child has always been in contact with her nmother so she won't have to go through the agony of searching. I'm currently doing a little searching on my own to locate her nfather.

She was also born in a state that never did seal records.

Answer 14

I would not want my son looking for his natural family online by himself when he is a child.  He needs an adult to protect him from online pedophiles.

I would do the searching through which ever avenue I think is best to help him, though, when ever HE wants me to.

However, as a teenager, he may look without me knowing.  All I can do is keep the lines of comunication open and let him know that there are safeguards he must take while online.

My big issue is the use of the internet...  not finding his natural parents.

Answer 15

I wouldn't dare NOT have discussed it with them prior....so he would never have to search myspace. I have gone to the court hearings and written down every possible name associated with his family. He will get any and all of that material any time he wishes. I am completely against sealed records. It is his record....it is his BC that will be changed against his will.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 16

That is an interesting question. I would help my child look....if you don't he/she is going to do it behind your back anyhow. To be honest, I would have mixed emotions about it. Yes your child does have the right to know where he/she came from, however you don't want your child to be hurt or disappointed in case the B Mom is a total loser or druggie, or doesn't want anything to do with your child. Also, a TINY part of me would be afraid that my child would leave me when he/she is 18. But that would be my own issue to deal with. I think the best policy is to be as close and supportive as you can be to your child and explain that there may or may not be disappointment involved. Be there to help and council. Who knows it may be a journey that will bring you two closer together.

Answer 17

Well, if your child already knows what name to look for and you feel okay about it, I would try to help. Based on the adoption agreements of course, if the mother did not want to be found maybe you should postpone for awhile, or explain, depending on how old your kid is. Of course, if it's going to hurt you than maybe you guys should talk about it first.