If you harbor ill will toward your child's home country, how will that affect your child?

Question

I'm just curious. I saw a comment a few minutes ago that made me think, if you have harsh feelings, or even iffy feelings, about the country your child was born in, what would that do to the child? How would that feel as a child, or adult adoptee, to hear from your parents, "well, your homeland is c**p", or something like that?

Answer 1

I answered a question about that some months back.  There was a PAP going through the process of adopting from China and was having some trouble rationalizing  her anger toward China's political policies in light of the adoption.  She wondered about whether she was able to separate the two.

My response to her was that it is vital that aparents do not badmouth the children's country of birth.  It's a pretty simple logic here: China is bad.  I am from China, therefore I am bad.  

I advised her to search for the good in the country and the culture and focus on that.  Aparents shouldn't badmouth a child's country of birth any more than they should badmouth their parents of birth.

Answer 2

The child will probably feel unloved deep down, as if they are a charity case and not worthy themselves as a person.

Answer 3

I think it depens mostly on the childs age.

Ideally, a child's homeland is with his parents (assuming parents are actually parental, loving, caring, etc.).

A place of birth is just a regional assignment of where you came into the world. Physically born.  But the acutal legal "boarders" we call "countries" are meaningless lines people draw on paper maps.  Does this make sense?

Of couse, some countries are better than others.  You don't see a lot of people traveling to columbia or haitii because it's quite frankly, dangerous.  And some people don't like anyone different, and are very close minded or worse.

So yes, if a child is old enough to understand, then it's OK to have the conversation, as long as the child knows, and the parent teaches, the difference between what consitutes a HOME and what constitutes a Legal Country.  These are very different.

Pure trash talking (like your Homeland is c**p) doesn't help anyone understand anything.  I would hope  parent can have a more intelligent and mentoring converstation than that for God's sake!!!!

Answer 4

I would imagine it would be very detrimental to the child's self worth and sense of self.

I am a DJ who does parties for the Asian/American society.  They are so proud to be in the USA, and love their country, yet they are also proud of the heritage they have, and they keep it alive in their dances, their costumes, and their foods.  If I ever adopt a child from an Asian nation (I'm presently trying to be a foster to adopt family in the USA), I'd definately take the child to these meetings, both to learn more, and so they can see the beautiful culture behind them.   Many different nationalities have these types.  As an American from European descent, I've never seen our culture follow much of the old country festival, except for Germans having beer festivals.  Perhaps we all might benefit from knowing where we came from.  Knowing that our parents couldn't stand our home country would hurt very much.   If I did the home study on the parents trying to adopt, and saw them flutter on a question like, "what do you think of country XYZ", I wouldn't allow the adoption.

Answer 5

They should try to focus on the positive things in that country instead of the negative. It is like talking bad about others around your children. People seem to forget that kids absorb everything they hear and if you bad-mouth the country they were born in they may take it that their parents don't care for them.

Answer 6

I agree with Ted for once.

It would be the same as telling a visiting foreigner their country bites. They will develop disdain for the person pointing it out to build themselves or their case up.  I can see alot of hurt adoptee's going back to their motherland in search of their mother. I just feel sorry for what they're going to uncover when this tragic event happens especially in countries like Honduras and Guatemala.

Answer 7

I know lots of people who harbor ill will toward their MIL and even their husband. Doesn't generally have anything to do with the child.

I had to listen to my mom carry on and on because she hated the state where I grew up in. When my Dad had a job opportunity to move back, they did.  Yes, it bothers me that she always puts down MY hometown and state, but what can you do?  To hear her, if the entire state dropped off into the ocean, she would just be so happy.  You avoid bringing up the subject after awhile and just accept that people have opinions that they won't budge from, but they are not a reflection on you.

If you adopted a child from a country that you had iffy feelings about, focus on what is GOOD about the country and/or culture.

Answer 8

I think it would deeply affect your child.  

Kind of like when parents aren't getting along, and one of them says something like, "You remind me of your Father!" to their child.

That country is the child's history, his natural family is all there.  Never talk bad about a child's country of origin.

Thumbs down?  Well you all can tell your child(ren) whatever, but my son is going to be proud of his country of origin and proud of where he came from.  :-)