Question:

If you have read catcher in the rye...can you rate this storey I had to right about it?

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It was for my honors humanities summer home work. You know the part about the secret goldfish(that was the storey Holdens brother wrote.)? Well the project I chose was to create the storey of the secret gold fish using the discription it gives of it in the book. please tell me if you think I did a okay job.

The bright sun was just starting to rise. It brought a warm glow to the little boy’s room. Outside was peaceful and quiet; you hear only the little birds chirping. Until, BEEP BEEP BEEP! Benny’s alarm went off at exactly six o’clock AM. The little boy hopped out of bed, grabbed his piggy bank, threw the door open and ran down the stairs. Benny was very excited because, today was the day that he might be able to get his new pet.

About three months ago, Benny’s family took a trip the pet store to get some food for his new puppy. One of Benny’s favorite places is the pet store because, his favorite things are animals. So, Benny had lots of fun looking at all of the animals the store had to offer. He saw the fuzzy rabbits, slithering snakes, chirping birds, and all of the other little critters such as mice and hamsters. But then something really caught his eye. It was all of the bright colors in the fish section. He ran over to see all of the fish. He walked by the tropical ones, admiring the bright colors and patterns that swirled on their bodies. The next kind of fish he walked by came to be his favorite. It was just a simple gold fish, but Benny saw much more. He loved their bright orange bodies. (Orange is Benny’s favorite color.) He loved their glass bowl filled with all different sorts of rocks and colors. Benny tapped the glass of the fish tank. One little fish swam up right next to his finger. He moved his finger along the glass, and the chubby little fish followed it. Benny giggled, now he knew he really wanted another little companion.

That night at the dinner table Benny talked with his parents about getting the fish. They agreed to let him get one, but there was a catch. He had to be responsible and take very good care of his fish. That meant feeding it, and helping clean out his bowl. “I can do that” Benny thought. But there was more. His parents also said that he had to pay for the fish himself.

Benny had saved up twelve dollars by saving most of his allowance and by doing chores for his mother. Those twelve dollars are safely tucked away in the piggy bank that Benny has in his arms as he walks in to the kitchen. The smell of pancakes and maple syrup are in the air. His mother has a spatula in one hand and a large hot mug of steaming coffee in the other hand. “Benny! You are up very early!” his mother said as she flipped the last pancake, set down her spatula and walked over to the table where Benny is now sitting. “I know! But I had to get up early so we can go to the pet store right when it opens!” Benny replied. “What would we need to go to the pet store for? We have enough food for the dog.” His mother said. Benny looked confused as his mother set a plate of steaming hot pancakes in front of him. “Mom, you said today I could get my goldfish! I have it on my calendar. You said that today was a good day to get it because, you wouldn’t be busy or anything.” Benny said. His mother also started to look confused now. “Hm, I don’t remember saying that you were going to get it this exact day. Besides, I already scheduled my yoga class for today. Sorry hun.” She replied.

Benny ate his pancakes in silence. But when he was finished he tried to plead with his mom about getting the fish. School was just about to start so he and his mother would be awfully busy. He was afraid that they would be so busy she would forget the promise and he would never get his fish. Benny went up to his room, sat on his bed and started thinking. “Adults are such phonies. They tell you one thing, and then they do another. You can’t trust them.” Benny thought.

Later that day, Benny was at his best friend’s house. His friend’s mother announced that she had some errands to do and asked if the boys wanted to come with. They considered, and decided that they would go. They went to the supermarket, and a clothing store. His buddy’s mom said she had one more thing to do, and that’s when Benny noticed that they were pulling up to the pet store. Benny’s baby blue eyes got as big as saucers. “This is my chance!” he thought out loud.

As they walked to the pet store, they went to the fish section. Tommy’s mom was buying some fish food because; they had a huge tropical fish tank with tons of brightly colored fish. Benny spotted the goldfish. He explained to Tommy’s mom how he wanted a fish so bad, and he told her that he had his own money with him. She agreed that she would pay for the fish. Since Tommy’s mom knew all about fish, she helped Benny pick out all the right supplies to care for it.

When they got to the register, Benny handed her his hard earned money. She took it but hesitantly. “Benny, are you sure th

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  1. One comment I would make is that you need to be careful about tense, and use the same tense throughout the story.  If you do some of the narration in present tense, do all of it in present tense, or if you prefer, in past tense.  But choose one.  You have mixed the tenses a bit throughout the story.


  2. Sorry if this seems harsh, but I found all the spelling and punctuation errors too distracting to be able to read the actual story.

    Ruth T-C

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