If you knew your child did not have long to live?

Question

What would you do?

It might sound like a really harsh question, but I'm interested in what people would do. My son is three years old and in hospital with leukemia. He is in isolation and is very ill, he's had an operation on his spine and been undergoing chemotherapy. His body isn't responding properly and the doctors say it isn't looking too good.

Me and my son have a really close relationship, I became a single Dad at the age of 17 when Nathan was only two weeks old. I was a heroin addict and I fought for a long time to get clean for the sake of Nathan. He's always been my inspiration and strength, I'm having a hard time coming to terms with what is happening. I've tried support groups and things but the fact is, nothing works.

So my question is - if you were in my situation, what would you try and do before they died? What would you want to tell them? How could you stop them being so scared? How would you cope afterwards, when you know you can't live without them?

Answer 1

Wow! hard question! My heart goes out to you. I dont think anyone would really know what to do unless they were in your situation and thats why I cannot offer you any advice cuz I have no idea what you are feeling. Hang in there just spend every moment with him and just love him.

Answer 2

I went through something similar with my first daughter - she was very ill in the hospital for several weeks before she passed away. I spent every waking moment at the hospital with her and tried to squeeze as much love into the short time that I knew we had left.  My biggest issue was that I didn't want her to die alone so, when we had to take her off of life support, I sat with her and held her for the entire day until she passed so she didn't have to be alone.  My daughter was a slightly different situation though, because she was too young to really talk to, and she was in a coma at the end.  I still talked to her all day every day though, and just told her how much I loved her.

Answer 3

Even though it may not seem like it you probably are going through a harder time than him. He does not probably understand the seriousness of his situation and he did not have hopes and dreams of his life like you did.  Plus you were affected by his life in a dramatic way and you are going to lose him, he is not going to lose you.  What probably is affecting him negatively is two things:

1. The pain of his condition, hospitalization surgeries, etc.

2. The pain of seeing you in pain - he knows that he is the source of your pain even though it isn't his fault. He loves you completely and unconditionally and there is probably no greather pain for him than to know that he is a source of pain for you.

Of these, the second is more important, and significantly it is the only one you can do something about.  Never forget to tell him how much joy he is bringing you.  Not how much joy he has been, but how much joy he is right his very second.  How every time he is in your presence you are lifted up. How much he has contributed to your life and the world and how very grateful for that. Laugh, don't cry. Read books, sing songs, talk about the things you love and make your happy.  I don't know if you can take him to a movie or a walk in the park and feed the birds or anything like that.  All the small little things that make life meaningful.  These do not need to be things that cost money, just things that touch you both in a meaningful way.

Let me put it another way: What would you feel if you have a few months left to live and your child was visiting you. What you would most want to know is that you were not abandoning your child when he needed you most. That he would never feel alone, lonely, abandoned and insecure.  

Your child is no different.  He needs to know that in his 3 years he has changed you forever and you will always be happy for what he has given you and that his love will last a lifetime. That he will always be with you whether you see him or not and you will love him forever.

All of this will help not only him but also you.  I empathize with what you say about support groups and stuff but you have to realize that even the best support group can't change the fact that the person you love the best is going to be taken away. The are more a forum for sharing your grief and finding people who relate than erasing the problem.  You have every right to feel numb, scared, hurt, angry and anything else.  You will never stop loving or missing your son, but someday you will come to terms with the fact that you can still love him even when he isn't here.

Try to be as strong as you can, but accept that no one is so strong that they are a rock and immune from emotions.

Take care.  I know that a few words can't help all that much but I hope they are a start.  Focus on the little things in life and the happy things.

Answer 4

One thing I know with my kids is if I am scared they are scared. Of course you are both scared but try not to let him know how truly scared you are. Always be confident when you talk to him about the afterlife if that is what you mean. What I would try to do is just be there with them as much as I possibly could but try to keep it happy. Get a knock knock joke book, my 7 yr old loves those corny things. If he can play board games and let him win without him knowing you are letting him win. Things that will make him smile for the time being.

My mother has died and my youngest was obsessed with what happens when you die a while back. My mom died before she was born. I am not religous but truly believe if you are a good person, which every child is you go to a wonderful place and I told her  that no matter where she goes my mother will be waiting with open arms so excited to finally hold her granddaughter. My mom ran a daycare and loved kids, so I tell her that she is taking care of all the kids until their parents are with them again. Tell him something similar that is comforting. And I would tell them that no matter how long or short of time I had with them, my life was better and complete because of them and that you WILL be together again.

There is no easy answer, my mom had severe panic attacks at the end, I cannot imagine how a child would try to cope, just be strong and confident. And honeslty only time will heal you. I dont think anyone can ever recover fully from the loss of a child. But I have read a question from you before and I know you have other kids, and honestly they need a father just as much as Nathan does. My other living child would be the only way I could cope.

You may need to talk to your doctor about anti depressants for a while also, because I know I would need them if I was in this position.

My thoughts are with you and your son.

Answer 5

I would just try to make every moment fun and not think about surgery and neddles. Play games, act goofy stuff like that

Answer 6

Wow this is really intense and I am sorry you and you son are going through this,one of my really goof friends just had an intense battle with cancer, she documented everything. I am going to attach the link because i think people who go through what you are going through have the bets understanding.

http://myjourney-kelly.blogspot.com/

good luck :)

Answer 7

just make sure that he knows that you love him and that you'd do anything to switch places with him

i am a sibliling of 12 we used to have 13 but a couple years ago we lost my brother ryan to cancer