If you overhear a conversation about adoption in real life, do you feel compelled to jump in...?

Question

even if they were not speaking to you... or the people were complete strangers?

I'm speaking primarily about conversations that feature specific things that you disagree with, i.e. derogatory speak about first or adoptive mothers or adoptees wanting to search, or touting the fabulousness or horrendousness of IA, infant or foster care or simply speaking in ways that make you uncomfortable as either a first or adoptive mom, adoptee, PAP or someone with an interest in all things adoption?

Answer 1

I might.  It depends on the situation.

I was a counselor in a college preparation program for middle- and high-school aged students who would be (if they go) the first in their families to attend college.

I was having a discussion one day with a student about planning for the future and the subject of my adoption came up (I am the adoptee).  About 3 minutes in, a colleague of mine gently tapped me and said, "I couldn't help overhearing that you were talking about adoption..." and joined the conversation.  In that context, I was thrilled.  I had already known this man for just under a year and we worked together on nearly a daily basis.  We were "good work friends" and yet neither knew that the other was an adoptee.  Turns out he was working on his dissertation on searching and reunited first moms and their experiences.

I've had complete strangers interject their (usually completely uninformed) thoughts into my conversations about adoption and I've gotten "looks" and "sneers" from others.  In short, I've had to develop a rather thick skin because of some of the ignorance I've encountered.

I have, despite those experiences, interrupted conversations myself on occassion.  I've also let some others 'roll off my back' and moved on.  It depended (and would still depend) on the situation.

Here's a convo I was IN, not interrupted, that still burns me to this day:

Video store clerk (to me): Your name is not on your parents account as an authorized renter.

Me (to my Mom, a few steps away): Mom, I'm not an authorized renter.  Will you get this movie for me?

Mom (to me): I don't know it looks kinda violent (it was "Die Hard" btw).

Clerk: You shouldn't disrespect your mother.  You should honor her to your dying day just for giving birth to you.

Me: She didn't give birth to me.

Clerk (to Mom, nastily): Why WOULD you get this for her? She's not even YOURS anyway!

Mom (pissed!): We'll get it, [my name] - but NOT HERE!  Let's go!

Yay Mom!  (((MOM)))

Ugh!  Sometimes it makes me sick.  And, sometimes I do say something and sometimes not.

But, yes, I usually do feel compelled...whether or not I act on the feeling.

Answer 2

If they were bitching indiscretely and loud enough for passers by to hear, then yes I'd say something.  If people think they are above being discrete in public, then they are certainly not above copping backlash from people who overhear them.

Answer 3

Recently some colleagues in my office were having a discussion.

It went like this:

"Yeah, I'd like to adopt a kid to do the yard work."

"Yeah.  You could tell him, if you get all the mowing done, I might let you sleep in the garage tonight!"

"Yeah! Or if he is good, he might get to finish the leftovers!"

...laughing...

After this went on for about 10 minutes, I was so near to tears that I couldn't think about saying anything.  I was so pissed and hurt, because these people KNOW I am adopted.

Because THIS is the attitude about "adopted kids"...THIS is what we are "good for".

Doing the work and maybe, just maybe, we can eat the table scraps and sleep in the garage.

Answer 4

I would,  just like I would if I saw someone physically hitting a child or another person.  I don't turn a blind eye whether or not someone considers it my business or not.    In a society where it is traditional or accepted to turn a deaf ear or blind eye, atrocities happen.  Look at communities in Austria where this is the norm...a girl was held captive and forced to give birth to 7 kids without medical assistance and daddy was the perp. Nobody questioned the oddness of the events taking place and he  got away with it for 24 years.

Answer 5

Oh, yes, Kazi! I do!

I also find that, when I see a child who looks as if he may have been adopted (e.g., Asian child with Caucasian parents), I want to say something. I never do because I know there may be other circumstances (such as that the child's biological father was Asian and has passed away or divorced the mother and the child wasn't actually adopted at all) or that the parents might take offense. But there are times when I really wish I could talk to those people, just to chat about adoption and what it's like to raise an adopted child. I don't want to be rude or assume too much as I could very likely be wrong about my assumptions and hurt someone's feelings, but that is NEVER my intent. I'm just chatty by nature and would love to have a face-to-face chat with others who have experienced similar things. Right now my only outlet for that is Y!A because I don't know any other adoptive parents in "real life."  :)

Lillie: I was not adopted, but I adopted my son when he was 2-1/2. I admire your self-control. If I'd heard that conversation I'd have probably cleaned both those ignorant idiots' clocks for them! You are amazing. (((Lillie)))

Answer 6

I agree, it's hard not to!  

But it really depends on the circumstances.  Sometimes, it's just not the proper time/place/situation to give a tutoring session, even if it is richly deserved.

I take the advice I give my children: If you want to talk about adoption, you always can.  If you don't feel like talking about it right at that moment, that's fine too.

ETA: Lillie, I'm not normally a violent person, but I would have been sorely tempted to B*tchslap anyone who said something like that.

ETA2: Bride, that goes for the video clerk, too!

Answer 7

It's really hard not to.  If you have adopted and you are aware of the facts, when you hear some trite stereotype about adoption, maybe it is approprate to be an embassador of adoption and set people straight.

The key here is to be non-confrontational.  Say something like, "pardon me, but I couldn't help overhearing.  I have some experience with adoption; I'd be happy to discuss the topic with you if you'd like".  If they say "no", then they say "no".

Answer 8

Yeah, I do, at least in conversations in which someone is making broad generalizations about adoptees or adoptive parents.

Answer 9

I always want to comment, as an adoptee i feel sharing with people who don't necessarily understand will stop some of the ignorance that is out there

Answer 10

I just silently fume and move on. Then later tell it to my best bud!

Answer 11

No, if they are not talking to me, then why should I be nosy and interrupt their conversation?

I would be mad if some complete stranger did that to me.

Answer 12

I am both adopted and an adoptive parent- so if I heard someone talking about adoption and it was false info, or negative of course I would say something- and if they did not want me to comment- I would would forget about it, and realize that they are talking in ignorance, and really don't want to hear the truth from someone who has experienced adoption.

Answer 13

my husband has had to kick my leg more than a few times...

the most recent event was when a pap made a scene outside of the newborn nursery after my son's birth.  i was going to get him and bring him back to my room, when i overheard this woman carrying on about the mom's name being on the bracelet [baby(gender) mom's lastname] instead of the name she and her husband had given the child; and why she couldn't go into the nursery and get HER child." hospital policy only allows two people to have access to the nursery (primarily because whack-jobs are stealing babies to pass off as their own).  and the pfmom had given the other bracelet to her child's father. basically, this woman threw a fit, didn't understand why SHE couldn't go in and was angry with the nursery staff.  when i entered, one nurse said something like, "i don't care who she adopted, she's not getting in HERE without a bracelet!"  all i could say was "word."

i also became very emotional when i returned to my room and told the nurse and husband how pissed i was; and wished i knew who this child mother was.  i would have gone into her room and told her everything i saw and heard the woman say.

although i didn't interject into the conversation in the hall...i did cut her a very nasty look as i walked by with my babe as to say.."your canceled check doesn't trump hospital policy!  as of now, you are NOT recognized as this child's mother...sorry you drank the adoption kool-aid, but get over yourself!"

ETA: lillie...i would've been asked to leave work for the day to cool off had i overheard that convo... wow.

Answer 14

Personally, I've never had that situation occur in regards to just overhearing adoption talk.  Normally I'm very well in the conversation myself.  I will say if it's adoption or something else that I feel strongly about, where I feel the individuals are speaking in ignorance of the topic I have no problem 'jumping in'...I'm one of those people that do not force my opinions on people but I don't hesitate to let them know that their way of thinking is jacked up & at least let them hear where I am coming from.

Answer 15

It depends on if my children are with me (both adopted) and the context of the conversation.  I will not tolerate conversation that disrespects birth parents or that has a negative tone about adoption.  I tend not to be very outspoken, but I have to be my children's advocate.