If you put a baby up for adoption....answer this!?

Question

A family member adopted my son 13 years ago. He lives really close to my mom which lives 1200 miles away. I keep putting off going to visit my mom because I'm scared to run into him. Well, I'm going to visit her this summer. I think i'll have a breakdown when if I see him..which I can't understand. You'd think I'd be happy, which in a way I am...but I don't want to start crying. He doesn't know Im his mom and Ive never met him except for in the hospital. I'm also scared because the discussion of him is very open with my kids/husband. I have a 4 year old that knows his face and name. My questions are...How do I overcome the fear of meeting him, would it be better not to? And...how do I keep my child from revealing who he is to us?

Answer 1

There comes a point when you need to come clean with YOURSELF. At some point you need to be honest with your son that has a big brother.

As for having a breakdown, I don't think there's much you can do for that. It's a normal reaction! What you need to understand though, is that he is in an amazing family who loves him.

It's better to be honest with your family then to live in the lie.

Answer 2

I put my son up for adoption when I was 15 yrs old. I'm now 38. I would always try to put his needs firts. If he wanted to see me then I would do it. I think that that's the reason I gave him up in the first place. It's not really about me and how I would feel. I'm sure I would cry but only because I feel so sorry for doing what I did. It was the best for him because he was born with a birth defect and there was no way I could have taken care of him. Can you try to contact the family and see if there is any interest in meeting? If so it would probably be good for both of you. This has got to be hard but just try to do what you think is best for the boy.

Answer 3

The reason this is so hard for you is that it forces you to think about that choice you had to make 13yrs ago. That was a hard decision. If you meet him, it forces you to relive that choice again. And that sadness you feel is like you are morning the loss of mothering THAT child. Those are difficult and chalenging feelings to have. How do you overcome it...that's a tough one....a little therapy maybe? Coming to terms with the choice you made is hard. And meeting him means risking his judgment. I think it would be good to meet him. To see how well he's turned out. How this was the best gift you could have given him. It may help you heal that hurt you feel. And...you cannot keep him from wanting to meet you. All you can do it control how YOU handle the situation.

Answer 4

You should tell him who he is. You gave him up, so you have to suffer the pain and terror of telling him.

Answer 5

how would you know who he is? You haven't seen him in 13 years

Answer 6

Get in touch with the adoptive parents email or snailmail or even call and discuss with them if they are ready to have you meet him.  If they are not, put the issue to them of your visit.  They may take a vacation and be away.  If they are willing to have you meet him, do it with just them and you first, then bring the whole family.  Don't lie to him, tell him the truth when he asks, "Why did you give me away."  I gave my 3rd child away because her "dad" was dangerous and subsequently went to jail after threatening another woman and her kids.  He had multiple guns in his car and was waiting for the bus.  Anyway, you had your reasons, be honest.  (I met my daughter when my mom passed away because her adoptive parents let her see them every summer.  We now stay in touch and my family visits them when we are in the area.)

Answer 7

you gave him up so he is not yours any more so don't go looking for him. If it so happens that you run into him just walk away. If you ever want to talk to him or make any kind of contact with him I would talk to his parents and see if it is ok with them first. Don't start trouble .......if he is 18 now i would still go threw his parents first so they can talk to him and find out what he wants.....Don't be selfish and just think about what you want in life. there is many people that this will effect not just you.

Answer 8

i have a kid that i saw but his mother is a cracke head and i just dont thick about it it is not my fault call me for statments459-9909

Answer 9

i can guenantee you that your son would love to meet you. i wish i could have met my mother the, i had to wait til i was 26. please do what you have to to see him. the truth is the only way.

Answer 10

We can die only once, but we can die million times of fear .....

Answer 11

Wow.  I am adopted myself and I can honestly say I wouldn't know my birth mother if the was standing right in front of me.  I even knew her when I was young (I was adopted at 6).  If I were in your shoes, I would not just go up and introduce myself.  Do you know if your family member who adopted your son has mentioned that they are not the birth parent?  You could cause a real sore spot in your family and you could scar your sons emotional being if you reveil something he has never been told before.  If he does in fact know that he is adopted I would let fate run its course.  It is not your prerogative to seek him out, it is his to seek you.  You are the one who gave him away not the other way around. (I am sure for good reasons, I am by no means disrespecting your decision)  I feel that it is up to the child to seek out their birth parents.  If I were to seek mine out it would be to say thank you for giving me a chance at life! Also, if I were you I would do the best I could to explain how sensitive of a situation it is to your daughter and that, well for lack of better terms, she needs to keep her mouth shut!  It is definitely not her place to out your son.  Otherwise, meet your son if you think you can handle it as just meeting him and never having known him before, if you catch my drift.

Answer 12

For both your childrens sakes please sort this out now.  It is so much easier for siblings affected by adoption to get to know one another without the prejudices of adulthood.  Please find a way for them to know each other at an age where they can be playmates.

Answer 13

hi Lady,

   I know your fearful and scared.....but this does not have to be a bad thing. I have never been in your shoes but as an adoptive mom I think this would be very beneficial to you and him. I am so happy and excited for you!!!

   Maybe you can set something up so that you may meet him without the excitement of everyone else. Then introduce him to the rest of his family.

   I adopted my cousins' child so I am on the other end...I would surely welcome your visit because it would be what is good for the child we both love.

Good luck!

Answer 14

Why on earth has there been lies and secrets???

Sorry - but as an adoptee - this is what I can't stand.

Every adoptee should be allowed to know all their family from day 1. They came from one family into another. It's their truth.

Why the need for holding back on all the facts.

The longer the adoptee knows all the facts - the better that they can deal with all the info - and make it more a 'normal' part of them.

You should have made a decision together with the adoptive family - to be always open and honest.

If he wasn't - it's a selfish need of the adults - and not in the best interests of the child. (as you obviously don't sound as if you would have been a danger to the child)

Secrets create situations such as this.

It will only make it more and more uncomfortable as the years pass on.

It would be better for the truth to be known. It's what's best for everyone.

Sorry if you don't like my answer - it's my honest opinion.

I'm out to protect the adoptee in all cases. They are the one with ZERO rights in adoption - and cases like this just make me very cranky - for the well being of the adoptee.

Answer 15

u should be very nervous!!!!! but the only thing u can do is trust ur heart!! and do wat it tells u to do! good luck!

Answer 16

This is all so sad, and such a waste for your boy and your other children.

What difference does it make that he was adopted by family--you have taken on a stranger role in his life!

Closed adoption SUCKS.  I was the prisoner of one for 22 years.  WHY in this day and age are you tolerating this?  This is a free country, you should be able to visit your son, and her should have a relationship with his siblings when they're YOUNG.  When it counts.  When do you plan on meeting him?  When he's 18?

My opinion would be that you call the adoptive mother, tell her you are coming to town, he needs to be told the truth, and that you would like for your children to meet him.  It's time.  This cloak and dagger stuff is ridiculous, and like so many aspects of adoption, only benefits the 'adults'.

Find your courage, and your dignity, and tell this family member that you WILL be meeting your boy with OR without her help.

Answer 17

Sometimes, our fears are much larger than the actual thing that we fear.  I have no advice to offer you, but I wish you luck.  (((HUGS)))

Answer 18

You have gotten some good suggestions here. I would call his parents and ask them what they would like to see happen. If they are opened to him meeting you then scared or not you can do it. I know first hand. If they aren't ready for this meeting maybe they can stay away until you are gone. I would hate to see that happen, but he's only 13.

Answer 19

EDIT TO ADD: in light of the new info you gave-I'd say just go-and phone up your mom and tell her to phone up the people and tell them not to visit! It's that simple.(she can let them know you would be too emotional and would breakdown). They'll not want a confrontation anymore then you do.

You'll never know, perhaps they'll decide they do want him to meet you-but then it can be up to them..and they had forewarning you'd cry.

Answer 20

You need to get with your sons parents and ask how they want to go about your visit.

Seeing him in person will be another one of the hardest things you ever do.

I wish you good luck. So does your bson know your mom is his grandma? How do they handle it?

Answer 21

This makes me feel so sad for you and your son.

You're afraid to visit your mother because you're afraid you'll run into your son because his parents won't allow him know you're his mother. I'm not trying to be rude but what a tangled web that is.

I think the best way to get over your fear is to encourage the aparents to be honest with him and let the truth come out. At age 13 I know this could be quite traumatic for the boy but if he finds out by your 4 year old spilling the beans that would be even worse for him. Seems everyone knows his story but him! He deserves to know the truth. Find some counseling for all of you too.

At this point it may seem difficult but in the long run it needs to be done. I really do hope the visit goes well. Good luck.

Honest=Adoption. There needs to be more of that.