If you were abondoned by one of your parents...?

Question

My husband never really had a relationship with his father. Saw him at one, eight and then lived with him at 14 years old. His mother got the kids taken by social services thats why he lived with his dad.

What are your feelings toward your parents that abondoned you. I know he has major issues with his dad because he called about a month and a half ago to talk to him and went to the answering machine and he just froze and turned white when he heard his voice.

It has been 5 years since he talked to him last.

Answer 1

Hi, sorry about your husband.  My father left us when I was 11 yrs old. It was really hard for me and my brothers because we needed emotional support just as much as financial support.  It never really hit me, that I acted really bad until I go married.  My husband would tell me that I was rebellious because I didn't have a father.  My aunt got in touch with us when I was 24 yrs old and my father was dying of aids in the hospital, saw him only for 3 months then he passed the way.  It did affect me so much on all my decisions not having a father role in my life.  Thanks to my loving and patient husband I have changed so much and I don't live in bitterness.  Just be there for him and support him all the time.

Answer 2

When children are abandoned by one or both parents, the first question that arises is Why?? Children are effected deeply when one parent disappears from their life. In most cases this will carry on into their adulthood and could effect relationships later on in their life. It's more emotional and mental due to the fact that the hurt feelings that started in the beginning and in time the hurt feelings turns into anger and resentment towards those who the child depended on the most, in this case the parents. Sounds like your husband still has much pain inside but shows it in anger. The fact he doesn't want to talk about it could be that the pain is so deeply buried and to bring it up will cause the big heartache. Give your husband time, he has to be the one to open up about the situation. Be patient with him. The best thing you can do is stand by him and don't betray his trust or that will just close him up even more, he has to be the one to make the move to talk to his dad and that will come in time, but only when he's ready. I can go on and on only cause i've been down that route. I forgave my parents but have nothing to do with them. I have gr8 parents who raised me and that's who I call Mom and Dad. As for trying to understand what your husband is going through, well in time when he's ready to talk to you only then maybe you will understand.

I hope this helps a little, I can't really give much more in detail I only can go by how i felt, which BTW is much more painful than I can type on here.

Good Luck and remember give him time and be patient! :)

Answer 3

Leave him alone, let him decide what he wants to do, it's his situation, not yours.  His dad wasn't there for him when he was young, then all of a sudden he gets thrown into living with him.  He probably wasn't a very good dad.  And what an awkward & painful situation.  There may have been some bad times that he just wants to forget.  If he wants to tell you more, he will later on, but if you keep bugging him, you'll just push him away.

Answer 4

I would be devastated, and might begin to question my own self worth.

Think about it, your parents are the two people who are supposed to love you no matter what. If one of my parents didn't love me (which would be how the abandonment would feel, regardless of whether or not it were true) then that would make me wonder what was so wrong with me that I was unlovable.

Hopefully eventually I would come to realize that the problem was not me, but the parent who left. At that point I would probably hate that parent for having made me go through all that, and for having made me doubt myself.

I would have gone white too, and I don't know if I would be able to forgive that person. If I did, it would take years.

Answer 5

first off, imagine yourself in his shoes. but think of your own dad, compare life if he wasnt around to help out with the family or to see his own flesh and blood grow up. life would be a wreck. also, if u were at school and your friends are talking about how cool they think their dads are and stuff, and he begins to picture what HE himself is missing out in a father figure. its one thing if ur father dies or has a disability. but its a whole nother story if he ABANDONS u as if he didnt want anything to do with u. how would that make u feel? just giving some advice and hope it helped :) also.. if he says he doesnt wanna call him, then just go with it say sorry and switch the topic fast because i defend him on saying he doesnt wanna talk to the man. i mean, he is basically a stranger and if he does start opening up to him, his father will prolly stop all contact for what... the next 10 years or so? im sorry to say this, but its kinda too late for him to start a life with his father in it.

Answer 6

No one else can ever fully understand someone's feelings towards a parent like that. My father left my mother for her best friend when I was four years old. I didn't see him again until I was about 9. Then he disappeared and I saw him once more when I was 13. He did some things a parent should never do, and unless a person has felt that pain, they can't understand the hatred towards the parent. I fully hate my father and don't blame your husband for not wanting to talk to his. I feel that after my father hurting me so much he shouldn't be given another chance. He had plenty of them and he blew it. I don't think prodding your husband will make him any more likely to call his dad. If he really decides he wants to it will probably just take time.