If you were adopted, what is the worst thing that?

Question

anyone has ever said to you about adoption?

I'm just curious, not trying to be negative. As a child, the one thing that always drove me crazy is that when I told people I was adopted they would say 'No WAY!' like I'd just told them I had six toes or something. I remember having to insist that I was and it often took a long time to convince people!

As an adult, I've run into a fair amount of people (some who know that I was adopted and adopted a child) who explain that they would never adopt because it wouldn't be the same or you don't know what kind of freak you're going to get.

What amuses me most about that one is that the more people insist on a biological child, the less likely their gene pool is anything to write home about!

Have you heard anything like this?

Does it trouble you?

I have to say that it largely amuses me but can be annoying.

Answer 1

[I explain that the vast majority of people who were adopted never search and that I understand that it seems like something that is quite common because of the way that adoption is portrayed.]

... right. And you would know that because of the media?

I'm sorry but I could just as easily say that I've heard of HUNDREDS of Korean adoptees who have returned to their birth countries.

And btw, adoptees are told to go into reunion with NO expectations. Where do you get this "reunions aren't successful because of unrealistic expectations" idea from? The 7 year old next door who fantasizes that his birth mother is a billionaire? Um. Yeah. He's SEVEN - of course he's going to fantasize! Adult adoptees, meanwhile, do not necessarily think their birth mothers will welcome them with open arms.

When I set out to find my first family, I didn't have any expectations either. I told myself not to be surprised if I got an Invalid Address stamp marked on the envelope. I told myself to expect rejection, or that maybe even they had been in an accident and died.

Perceptions can change over time.

Answer 2

True story.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a boyfriend who I loved dearly.  There was talk of rings and weddings and forever and all that.  We were in L-U-V love.  We were dating for about a year when he told me I could never tell his parents I was adopted because they would assume I was illegitimate and they would never let him be with someone like that.  He also said they would think that if I wasn't good enough for my own family, then I wasn't good enough for theirs.

I was shocked to say the least.

We broke up soon after.

Good riddance.  

There are a lot of people who still frown on illegitimacy.  They usually won't tell an adoptee that to their face but it's there, sadly.

It's just another prejudice in this world.

It doesn't bother me because I know that I am fabulous.

By the way, my DH (who is much nicer, much smarter and much hotter than that old weenie boyfriend) was born with a sixth toe on one foot, the doctors cut it off shortly after his birth.  He has a huge scar on his foot where the toe used to be.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Personally, I think I'd rather have an extra toe than be adopted.

Answer 3

I never heard anything negative at all on my face or other adoption websites.

But the most negative comments i read about adoption were ONLY on y/a  to other posters were "baby stealing bit**" and "selfish" and "oh so its all about you and not the child" to a woman who said i don't feel complete as i am not a mother and would like to adopt. Like as if my desire to be a mother makes "selfish *****"  All i feel like saying is F.O to such people !  

Answer 4

The ISRR has hundreds of thousands of applications from people searching, thats a LOT of people searching isn't it? Amazing since you "claim"

"that the vast majority of people who were adopted never search and that I understand that it seems like something that is quite common because of the way that adoption is portrayed."

I'm wondering where you get this type of information from? Where are your facts to say this? Do you have any type of research to show for comments like the one above?

Its "up there" with some of the worst and wrongful assumptions people make about adoption for me too phil.

~ Are you scared of what your adoptive parents will think if you search?

~ Well you could have been aborted

~ You could have been in a dumpster

~ You should just leave well enough alone and be grateful for what you have

are some others...

Answer 5

A very close friend of mine had an experience like that.  She adopted twins at birth.  The girl has many issues due to drug use and this person was telling her that she should really be careful when you adopt because you never know what you are going to get...assuming suggesting that the little girl was not worth adopting due to her serious conditions, anyway...the person went on to tell her that ALL adoptees come out all messed up and drug dependent and pretty well useless and poverty stricken and everything but a waste of flesh.  Although this was a pretty close friend...she had forgotten that my friend was also adopted.  So after reminding her that she was adopted...and pointing out how successful she was in her career and in her life in general...she told the woman to go straight h**l and has not heard from her since.

Answer 6

Most of the worst things said to adoptees that I've heard to date were right here.  From YOU.

Answer 7

This rates up there...

"[Searching] doesn't seem to work out well for people I think because they initiate search based on a lot of unrealistic wishes."

Answer 8

I was adopted too so i know EXACTLY what your talking about! its like as soon as you say adopted you might as well have said "yeah i came from a different planet" people dont really say things about it anymore i guess i dont talk about it too much, mostly everyone i know, knows im adopted. but when i was little and in school i shared that with my class as an "interesting fact about me" (i was very proud to be different) and from that day till i got out of that class there was one boy who would always say things like "your parents didnt like you so they gave you away" or " you dont have real parents" and when your little those things hurt and confuse!  i remember when i was little and my parents would mention something about it infront of their friends they would alays flip "what! you never told me you adopted her!" then the come over and want to touch hug and look at you like they just met me? i gues i never liked being treated different...i still felt like my parents were my only parents no matter what anyone said or did.

my husband and i are expecting our first baby due Dec.5th...I'm 25 weeks along. Both of us want more than anything to adopt a baby...for me its more of an emotional thing, and my husband wants to do it becuase he says it breaks his heart to hear about little babies growing up in foster care.

im mean h**l, there is nothing like having your own child, but when you chose to adopt its no different! if you have your child who is to say they might not have a deformity? would you not love it anyway?... when you adopt a child not only do you get to raise the child as if it came from your own womb...but you get to go on with life knowing that you saved a child and get to give it a home and love... something that they might have never had!

dono if this was what u were looking for...

Answer 9

well last year there was this gir l that didnt like me and she always said stuff and ide ignore but oneday on the bus to school she said i know why your adopted your mom didnt want you and all her friends laughed.i dont know what hurt more the laughter or the comment

i know what you mean about how people react its more annoying now than mean.

Answer 10

People can say the worst things, and some things can be quite mild but stick with you too.

The one comment that stuck with me was from my own adoptive dad. I was distraught because I had told my birth mother via letter that I wanted to meet her and the rest of my birth family rang up in a panic and told me it was a bad idea (she is quite seriously mentally ill). I got really angry with them and upset and I tried talking to my parents about it and my dad said "I wish your adoption wouldn't come up all the time, I can't be bothered dealing with it!"

It was like well (swear word inserted) you! I have lived this for 21 years and you can't be bothered DEALING with it? You were the bloody people who adopted me for christ's sake! You better deal with it. Man that infuriated me.

Sometimes I try and tell people that I remember VIVIDLY when I was 5 months old being given to my adoptive parents by the foster mother, I was screaming and reaching out and I can even remember the grey flowery wall paper in the background like it was yesterday.  Most people tell me "babies can't remember that early/your making it up/stop lying/it's not possible". Well actually it is, I remember as vividly as it happened yesterday and when I asked my adoptive mum about the memory when I was 15 she said that it was true and she had never talked to me about being fostered, in fact I hadn't known until the memory surfaced.

I have had the "wow, really?" thing if I say I'm adopted. But it doesn't really bother me, it's mostly ignorance and people don't know how to react, once I've told them I talk to them about what it's like and that's what education is.

Answer 11

Reading your responses have really made me think.  I want to adopt, but it would really hurt my feelings if my adoptive child wanted to find their biological parents.  I think  I would love the child and feel so close to them, I'd hate the reminder that thee is another mom in their life.  I know this is very selfish, I just hope I can think of you guys and the things you've said and realize my child's search is more important than my insecurity.  All hypothetical of course.  

  To you adopted folks/ friends of adopted folks, I am SO sorry you have been treated badly by relatives and friends.  These stories are really sad and I'm sorry you guys have been made to feel weird and out of place.

Answer 12

"You are so lucky!"

"You are SO lucky you weren't aborted!"

Answer 13

".........the vast majority of people who were adopted never search."

Such lies were told to me often throughout my life.

And because I was constantly told this - I felt that I was WRONG - that I was the only one that felt the need to find my answers - that I was the ONLY one. These comments made me feel BAD.

Finally - through research into search and reunion - and finding literally hundreds of other adoptees looking for their truth - I know now that this is such a lie. And a very hurtful and harming lie.

A huge amount of adoptees DO search.

And no matter what - it's OK to want to know your past.

I've been lucky to find my truth - and now I help those that want to find theres.

No one should tell anyone what they should or should not feel about their own adoption.

Not even a parent.

Answer 14

About being in foster care:

"What did YOU do to your parents?"  (like a 7 year old has that much power)

"At least someone took you in, right?"

"Was it fun living in all those different homes and families?"

And my favorite,,,,,,,,,

"Why didn't anyone adopt you?"

Answer 15

They always say "no way!"  or sometimes "I'm sorry"  

the worst.....

" oh my god, have you ever thought about dating your brother?"  by a girl who had a crush on him in high school.

Answer 16

My grandparents couldn't have children, so they adopted my mom and her brother from separate families. I don't know really if people made fun of her for being adopted, but I do know there's one incident that really stuck out in her mind and hurt her. When she was about 13 or so, her favorite aunt and uncle came, and when they were alone in a room, her uncle told her that she should be very grateful that her parents had choses HER, that she could have gone to any other family and not been as well off.

It made my mom feel like a commodity, or a product in a store.  

Answer 17

here are your answers to adoptees on here who have searched.

1. " I'm ready to support any type of search that he may consider but I do not hope that he searches."

2. " I hope that he is as comfortable and happy as I am and won't think it makes a bit of sense."

3."I've known two people in reunion and both have had an extraordinary amount of drama and upheaval in their lives."

4." He doesn't seem to lean that way so I would be pretty surprised if he went there. But if he does it's not a problem, though I wish he would skip it!"

5."It doesn't seem to work out well for people I think because they initiate search based on a lot of unrealistic wishes."

6." I think that as we see hear more and more about reunion even fewer adoptees will consider it."

7."The vast majority of adopted people never even consider searching for biological relatives. We have familes and just aren't interested."

i do hope u won't make ur adopted child feel indebted to u. NOONE should feel indebted to anyone!!

Answer 18

I am not adopted, but people have said stupid things because I have a large family.  Sometimes I get asked if I know what birth control is, or how many baby daddies I have.

People are stupid sometimes

Answer 19

People most of the time are very encouraging to me about adoption.  I also got "NO WAY" from people when I was growing up.  But that never bothered me, because I was very happy for people to think that my adoptive parents were my "real parents" - because they were and my mom still is. (my dad died years ago).  The one thing that upset me came from the mouths of my mother in law and sister in law, who hated me when I first married my husband.  My SIL said "you cannot understand the type of love that a bio family has, because you are adopted."  If the way they treated my hubby was what bio families love was, I am glad I did not experience it.  Also when my hubby and I decided to adopt ourselves, his mom said- "Why would you want to adopt, you son will not be able to carry on our name, and you never know where he came from."  That was much more insulting then NO WAY, don't you think?

Answer 20

The one that came from my mother...

"We had our choice of 3 babies, one was a boy, and the other was ugly, so we chose you!"

I guess I had been shined up real well by the nurses or something.  I still shudder at the thought of ACTUALLY picking a baby out of a group like they were Cabbage Patch Kids or something.

Answer 21

I'm adopted and it's so not a big deal to me.  I have blue eyes and I'm adopted.  SFW.  When I mention it to people they say, "You are???"  I want to tell them "you got a problem with it?"  My birth mother chose my family for me to live with and I am very grateful.  Do I ever want to meet her?  No.  Will I ever meet her?  No.  When I was much younger the most ironic statement was that I looked just like my dad because I had blue eyes and everyone thought that my sister was adopted when she was the only biological child.  People just need to chill out when the hear that someone is adopted and accept it at face value.  

Answer 22

:Let's see:

You are lucky that you weren't aborted.

You are lucked that you weren't dumped in a dumpster.

You should feel grateful someone took you in.  

Because I am an adoptee rights activist:

Your adoptive parents are probably ashamed of you.

By the way my adoptive mother is very proud of me for standing up for my rights.  She is also wanting access to the adoption file which she never received a copy of.  She doesn't want me feeling grateful for her taking me in.  She does however feel honored and blessed with having the opportunity of raising me.

Answer 23

My best friend told me that she didn't approve of the fact that I had begun searching for my first mom.  She thought that was an inappropriate thing to do.

Well, ok, she was entitled to her opinion but for all intents and purposes, I think every adoptee has to make that decision for his or herself.  

To this day, she will not engage in any sort of conversation with me about my reunion, even though it has been 12 years now, she still refuses to even listen to anything I try to tell her about my family.  She can't even be happy about the fact that I have found them and have finally found a sense of completion, a wholeness, a sense of peace in my life in having this missing piece of the puzzle.

I guess she'd rather I stay depressed and angsty, always longing for what I could never find, always wondering who I am and suffering from that negative self esteem that used to plague me.  Personally, I never want to be that way again.