If you were going to write a list of the "Golden Rules" of Adoption, what would you include?

Question

I would include the following:

1.) Adoption should be about meeting the needs of the child, not finding a child for a home.

2.) ALL Adoptions are unique and should be seen and treated individually - like snowflakes and people.

3.) Adoption should not be used as a permanent solution for a temporary problem or problems.

4.) ALL Adoptees have two sets of parents and both sets are REAL.

5.) Everyone should have the right to know their personal truth.

Do you agree? What else would you add?

Answer 1

Adoption is not a dirty word. Adopted children are chosen. Remember "NOT BLOOD OF MY BLOOD NOR BONE OF MY BONE BUT STILL YOU ARE MY VERY OWN.  YOU DID NOT GROW UNDER MY HEART BUT IN IT". No child adopted or not should ever be held responsible for the actions of an adult.  Having an adopted child, we make sure that she knows & understands we are a family & how special she is a real gift from God & we thank her parents for being strong enough to know that someone else can take better care of this gift than they could.

Answer 2

Hi MamaKate,

I absolutely agree with you.  These are a few things i would add.

1) No pre-birth matching

2)More stringent back ground checks of Pap's, including physcological testing.

3)Open adoptions should be enforcable legal contracts.

Thanks for the question:)

Answer 3

I would add that no records are sealed

That every child has the right to his / her heritage

That every child has the right to know about medical background history

Answer 4

1.   Your child is not a doll or a play thing (china doll)

2.   Your child is not an exotic asian princess/prince (china princess)

3.   Babies are not the latest fad like a hand bag

4.   Please dont adopt because its the new coolest thing at your church

5.    Please dont adopt because you want to SAVE someone

6.   Please dont place your expectations on who this child will be

7.   Please stop telling people the childs private information like abandonment information

8.   Please dont treat your child as a "cause"

9.   Please dont expect the public to fund your lifestyle choices, like adoption.

10.  Work hard and pay your adoption yourself. Its tacky talking $ with others. Give your future child the right to not feel "payed for"......

Answer 5

Recognize that adopted children may have different emotional needs then biological children. Treat them accordingly but do not make it an "issue" in front of the kids.

Keep there first families information private. Why you may want to tell everyone about little Johnny's parents you need to remember that some day little Johnny will be a man and it is not far that everyone  will know his first families dirty laundry.

Keep the conversation about adoption open. Let your child know they can ask ANYTHING. Sure you may feel awkward but they deserve to know the truth.

Even if the parents are not safe for the child to be around recognize that their grandparents are innocent and may want to be a part of their grandchild's life. ---- Both sets of DDs first grandparents are kind and loving people. They just want to be a part of her life and watch her grow up.

Last but NOT least....Regardless of any negative experience with the first parents NEVER say anything bad about the child's parents to the child. In any child's eyes if you speak ill of their parents that means you speak ill of them. No child derserves that kind of baggage.

Answer 6

I dont understand four, but as far as i can see i totally agree.

I would also add the laws shouldnt be as strict in most cases, these kids deserve a home. Who cares if the parents are 42 not 38?

Answer 7

Oh my goodness, what an awesome question!  First, Freckle Face, the new format automatically detects misspellings, and a little thing will pop up beside the answer window if you've misspelled anything.  Second, Niels, THANK YOU for saying that about the names!  At times I've felt like I was the only one who felt that way.

Ok, so I would add better education for PAP's, including a reading list chosen by adoptees (and preferably written by adoptees).  I think that the education for foster adoption should include an in-depth education about the foster care system, and massive amounts of education about RAD, FASD, ODD, PTSD, and all the other acronyms that we find in so many foster children, and how to deal with these as parents.  I also think there should be a special class regarding empathy for the first parents, and understanding that drugs, abuse, etc. does NOT necessarily make them "bad" people, and it certainly doesn't make them less important to the child's life - the only reason they are not in the child's life is safety.

I think that domestic and international adoptions should include their own stringent education, along the lines of the above, but of course focusing on the important issues specific to that type of adoption.  (So, my rules would be long paragraphs...lol...)

Answer 8

I would add:

- Children are not commodities - and should not be considered as such by anyone - including the state systems that gain money for each successful foster to adopt situation.

- Parents suffering from infertility should learn to grief their lack or loss of pregnancy before considering adoption.

(You covered most of the other things I would have said in your original question).  

Answer 9

Yeah, I agree with that. I also think that the adoptee should be allowed to see their biological parents if they wish to do so (and the biological parents agree) as I know some adopted children that aren't allowed to see their biological parents because of a law.. :(

Answer 10

These are my suggestions

- If you want to adopt, read up in "reproductive exploitation" and don't engage in it.  It is just as harmful (as a traumatic experience fraught with coercion) as is sexual exploitation.

- Don't try to find expectant mothers hoping that they will give you their babies. Pre-surrender contact with you can influence a mother's decision whether to surrender her baby or not and this decision can only truly be made after she has recovered from birth and gotten to know her baby as a real, living, breathing individual.  Many adoptions happen because the mother feel she has no way to back out of it once she has met the PAPs during pregnancy, especially if they have already paid expenses or are at the hospital cooing over "their" in the nursery.  There is no freely-made "choice" or "decision" in these situations.

- Don't force your adopted child to "choose" between the two sets of parents or treat the natural mother as a "non-mother." Recognize that adoption is not the same as having a child of your own and that your child may emotionally have two sets of parents that they love and feel a family connection with.  

Answer 11

I love your golden rules! =) I wish all AP's would embrace this and realize that their child has another set of parents. That just because they have another set of parents out there doesn't mean we love our AP's less. It just means we have a hertiage out there a family story, that someday we want to hear or explore.

I think i would add that: Please respect your adoptive child's feelings on adoption and don't make them feel bad about wanting to know about their family.

Answer 12

I would like to add: Adoption is a last resort if none of the of the other options is realistic or in the interest of the child, with a preference for adoption within the natural family above adoption outside the natural family.

I would also like to add: Every adoptee has the right to keep his/her original name. Name changes are a token of ownership.

Answer 13

1. Remember, always remember, that the most important person in an adoption is the CHILD or CHILDREN.

2.  All children deserve to know their history and roots, regardless of when their adoption took place (as an infant or older child).

Answer 14

I LOVE your rules!  They are excellent!

I would add:

6) Adoption should never be 'brokered'.  Adoption should always and ONLY be an agreement between parents (2, 3, or 4) depending on the situation but NEVER involve a 3rd party (that is getting *paid*, no less).

I look at it kind of like marriage.  To most Western cultures, arranged marriage is an outdated, old-fashioned and less-than-ideal way for marriage partners to be selected.  In the U.S., for the most part, we choose our marriage partners ourselves, and they choose us.  I think the same should apply to adoption -- when it has been deemed that the adoption is absolutely necessary.  Parents -- natural and adoptive -- should not have a fee-collecting 3rd party involved (except the judge, of course, which exists in marriage, too.  But, only AFTER the decision has been made).

I know this probably can't apply in most foster/adoption situations, but I think it would eliminate a lot of the shadiness, suspect behavior and outright 'profit-seeking' coercion and baby-trafficking that happens all over the world.

I know there are some who will, so...go ahead and tell me how 'rarely' that happens, if you must.  But ONE unethical adoption is too many, so I'm unconvinced.

Answer 15

I generally agree, but feel you violate your own rule #2 with regards to rules #4.  

In most cases, yes, the bio parents should be part of the child's life.  But, there are cases when the bio parent(s) behaved in a way thet is NOT in the best interest of the child (abuse, threats, etc) does the bio parent really get to keep that honored position regardless of their behavior?  Like you say, "ALL adoptions are unique", and the role of and relationship with the biological parent is part of that "unique" equation.  

Answer 16

I really like your "Golden Rules". I'm going to write them down now so that when I become of the legal age to adopt or foster kids I would have something to guide me.

I really want to adopt kids, not because I feel sorry for them but because I know I have more than enough love to give the child and also because it's been my lifelong dream..

Answer 17

I just have one rule, for all children.

All children should be respected and loved for the people they are.

Respect for our histories, our names, our origins and our families.

Loved by our families, as their children. As simple as that.

If only the world was so easy.

Answer 18

I would only emphasis your #2 rule and this part of your sentence in your additional comments:

"relationships are a different ballgame and should be decided by the individuals who are in them."