If you were this child's parent how would you handle this?

Question

now to start off with. I'm not looking for advice on here, my husband and i have handled the situation in our own way...but i am curious to see how other parents would handle a situation like this.

let's say your 12 yr old son stole 2 checks out of your wallet that were in your purse, and used them to buy breakfast and lunch on 2 seperate days at school (stolen on two different days).

the school accepted the checks EVEN THOUGH they did NOT have your signature on them, and one check was made out to "[child's name]'s Lunch/Breakfast, the other was made out to "three dollars".

your bank accepted the checks w/out a signature as well.

Your child has never stolen from you before until now, it was totally unexpected.

how would you handle the child?

how would you handle the school and the bank?

Answer 1

time for the family to start talking WITH each other and not AT each other.  talk to the school and the bank.  keep your purse locked up and educate your child about theft and the consequences for juvenile delinquents.  this is a behavior that can be corrected with the proper discipline techniques.  consider parenting classes and counseling.

Answer 2

I would punish the kid for stealing and lying. I'd tell the bank that they better not except any more checks without my signature. I'd have a little talk with the school about excepting checks made out by children and unsigned.

Answer 3

My 10 year old had a problem with dishonesty early in the year.  He was taking things that he found on the classroom floor and on the playground without asking if they belonged to anyone or taking them to Lost and Found at school.  We took away his gaming privileges.  When that didn't work we took away something that meant most to him... his hair.  He had been growing his hair and loved it so we made him cut it.

I am believer in taking away privileges.  You earn them for good behavior but can lose them at any time for bad behavior.  If my son had done this, I would take away everything but his will to live for a while.  I would also talk to him about what stealing the checks could have done to mess up your checking account, although they were small checks. I would then explain to him exactly what would have happened had he done this as an adult or even just a little bit older.  That what he did is a felony!!!

As for the bank and the school.  I would go straight to the principal with copies of the checks and explain what happened.  They should not have taken them.  And as for the bank, I used to work at a credit union.  By the time they received your check it had gone through the bank the school uses, then to an electronic clearing house, and finally ending up at your bank.  I would talk to the bank that accepted it in the first place.  They probably had to go through several checks that the school deposited and it slipped past them unnoticed, but they do need to be aware of it.

Just remember, although the situation was bad, it is all a learning lesson.  Nothing more than c**p that every kid goes through in some way or another.  

Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 4

i would let my child know that if they were ever hungry all they need to do is ask for money and i would not hesitate. obviously he was scared for some reason to ask you guys for money. as far as the bank-it was 3 bucks. if it was 20 or more then you would have a problem.

Answer 5

if i were to decide i would punish your son and explain to the school dat it was a mistake and see what the school says about it.

Answer 6

Banks don't often check the small amount checks but I would be talking to them. I would be asking the school why they didn't check it more carefully.

As for my child. He would be pulled out of all their activities for a month. They would pay me back the money. They would have to apologise to me and the school and I would take them to the police station for a talk with the police about what happens to people who not only steal but commit fraud (it is fraud too). They would not be going to parties or anything for a month and they would know how dissapointed I am.

Answer 7

Well it is confusing, why was your son needing to steal so he had money to eat?

Did he spend the original money you gave him, or did you never give him lunch money in the first place?

If you didn't give him any lunch money, then I would tell him that stealing is always wrong, but I would refrain from severe punishment as the fault lies with you as a parent for not making sure your son is fed.

If you did give him money but he spent it and stole to replace what he spent, then this is really no different than stealing to buy whatever he did in the first place and cutting out the middle man - so I would reprimand accordingly. My son is nowhere near this old so I wouldn't like to comment on how a parent should punish their child until I've been in similar situations myself, however I would probably say a months grounding and a removal of certain privelages.

I would be furious with both the school and bank for their negligence over duties and demand a written apology and explanation from both.

EDIT: Wow. I just came back to this to see if you'd added any more details. I wasn't 'arguing' that you mustn't have fed your child, I was simply asking the reason behind what he did and giving you an answer for each possible reason, which I think is fair. It wasn't a 'little argument'. Why did you ask this question if you had your mind made up and were going to bash everybody who disagreed with you? You seem like a very rude, confrontational person and I'm sorry I wasted my time giving you my opinion in good faith!

Perhaps you ought to look a little closer to home when searching for the reason one of your children is stealing, if that is your attitude towards people!

Answer 8

It's not clear from your question whether you talked to him after the first time and he did it again, or whether you discovered it after the 2nd incident.

If you didn't talk to him until after the 2nd incident, then I think that you overreacted to your son's behavior.  He had a ready explanation, and it made sense to him at the time.  Just explain to him what he did wrong, and tell him that it must never happen again.

I'm a strict mother and a tough high school teacher, but I always let them get away with a mistake the first time.  It's the second time that counts.

If he does it again after you've warned him, then hit him with severe consequences.  The jail visit is good, especially if your husband can arrange it with a firm but not too scary colleague.  You want to scare him, but not give him nightmares.

As for dealing with the school and the bank, complain to both in writing.  

Call the school and find out the names of the cafeteria/canteen manager and office business manager.  Write to the 1st and copy the 2nd on the letter.  See what they say.

Call the bank and find out the name of the branch manager.  Again, write a letter of complaint, and ask for a response.  See what they say.

Good luck.

EDIT:

How long do you want my answer to be?

You asked how other people would handle their child stealing from their wallet.  I told you how I handle 1st-time and subsequent offences in my house.

You didn't ask how I would handle a child who is a s*x offender, bank robber, gang banger or drug dealer.  If you had, I would have given you a different answer.

My son is 14yo, got 8 A's, 2 B's and one C on his last report card; plays football, baseball, cricket and the saxophone; runs cross country; sings in the school choir; and got selected last week to attend a 2-week NASA space camp in Cape Canaveral, Huntsville and Houston next year.

My daughter is 10yo, is a B student, does jazz and tap, plays basketball and the keyboards, is on Junior School Council and doing the Compass Award program, and is just about the nicest, most fun person anyone could meet.  Right now she is reading "The Diary of Anne Frank."

I am more strict with them than the majority of parents are with their kids.

Wild they absolutely are not.  Mature, interested and interesting would more likely describe them.  I put it down to the fact that they're allowed to make mistakes without fear that I will go ballistic, but they know not to make the same error in judgement a 2nd time.

From the way you have jumped down everyone's throat who has taken the time from their busy days to help you by answering your question, I can only surmise that your children live in fear of your reaction to their slightest act of bad behavior.  This will only set them up to avoid admitting wrong-doing in the future.  It won't provide for an open and honest family life where errant youngsters receive correction rather than the wrath of Mom.

Think about it.

As I said, good luck.

Answer 9

If it were me, I would make him work to repay what he owes you, as well as ground him appropriately, and explain that even though he felt he needed lunch money, that all he had to have done was ask.

As for the bank and the school...the school should be reprimanded for allowing a child to post a check in their handwriting on their parent's account.  

As for the bank, you should check their cashing procedures.  Sometimes banks will cash items without the signature as a courtesy to the account holder (such as a bill payment getting paid without a signature so it's not late), but the question would be "who allowed the document to be posted without a signature or a call to verify first"?

Just my .02

Answer 10

You're right. It isn't the three dollars. It is the fact he took it and he did not ask. There are serious consequences for stealing in the real world, as you know. I would definitely first sit him down and explain what he did, how it was wrong, and why the action was unacceptible. I'm not giving you advice, just saying what I would do. I would then ground him and he would have to earn privileges back by doing things around the house. If it continued I would have my husband, who is in law enforcement, take him to the police station and have some officers explain what happens when people steal and get caught (even when the item is small).

I don't care if people think that's harsh. I don't. Stealing is unacceptable and must be nipped in the bud right away. Almost all kids try it. But that doesn't mean we should overlook it.

Answer 11

I think you handled it well and pretty similarly to how I would handle it. When I was little I stole a few dollars from a neighbor's piggy bank. The mom caught me and my parents made me do extra chores and write an apology letter to them. And return the money, of course.

Answer 12

it doesnt matter that it was only $3 - he should know better that you dont just take money without asking...i am sure he just "preferred" buying his lunch instead of bagging it and figured this was an easy way to do it.  I am sure he didnt look at it as "fraud" but i would definitely let him know that it is extremely wrong and deceitful what he did.   I would ground him from privledges for several weeks ( a certain sport, playing the Wii, texting friends  - take the cell phone) whatever means something to him.  Make him work to earn it back and also work to earn enough to pay for his own lunches for 2 weeks.

I would really lay into the school about how they handled it.  Minimally, they should have let your son eat but then alerted you to the check he used.

Answer 13

I totally agree with you. I have 3 boys and I know if one of them ever stole anything from me or not they would be punished. To not punish them would be like u were condolling that behavior. If it was one of my boys I would 1st not give him any more extra money for a certain amount of time. 2. I would make him take the sack lunch for the rest of the school year and 3. He would have to work off the money he stole with house work.

Answer 14

Well first, you sound scary even on the internet, so it wouldn't surprise me that much if small children are scared of you. I would first calmly ask for an explanation. It sounds like maybe he isn't satisfied with the lunches you pack for him or maybe he gets teased at school for having mommy make his lunch. After you find out the real reason for him doing it figure out a proper way for him to "work" off his debt and explain that if he has a good reason for needing money he can ask you and you will give him a reasonable amount. I wouldn't do anything to the school, they are probably used to seeing checks that parents forget to sign all the time or its possible that they just didn't notice. As for the bank, I would talk to them and make sure they understand that they should not under any circumstances accept checks without your signature on them.

Answer 15

If it happened in our house, my child would be punished severely (I'm not talking about beating the c**p out of her either) Stealing is not okay, no matter how little or how much was stolen.  If you don't get the message across when bad behavior happens, it will only get worse.  I like your idea of letting him see where theives go, brilliant!

Most likely, we would have a very long discussion about stealing and then listen to why she did it.  Her reasons of course would have no impact on the punishment.  She would be grounded so long from everything she loves to do she'd hopefully never think to do it again.

I'd definitely make it known to the school and bank this was not okay.  Probably not alot you can do there without taking charges out on your son.