If you would please, any comment or critique?

Question

Distortion

Staring into empty reflection

The truest me I know.

What ever it is you see

When you stare at the planes

And angles

The shallows

And the depths of me,

I find strange.

When I see that representation

There is not even vague recognition.

The eyes slope altogether wrong,

My mouth curls almost upside ways,

My light is dimmed and I am not there.

That photo

That face

That expression does not portray me.

Come and look into my mirror

Find this familiar me.

Not prettier,

Not Sweeter

Not More or less

Just truest me.

Answer 1

That's really good in my opinion, it sounds so real and deep.

Answer 2

Read all the other poems in answers here- all of them are basically the same- emotions put on paper. Show it, don't say it. There are no metaphors, the images are cliched, awful rhymes.  

Answer 3

You have a nice authenticity to your writing. A couple minor suggestions:

My mouth curls almost upside ways

That line was a little unclear to me.

You have a few short lines that are not strong enough to carry the line on themselves; maybe think about combining them Make sure that each line stands on its own (I realize that this is a subjective thing).

And angles for instance could rest on the line above. You could also pull up And the depths of me. There are other areas too but I think that is enough example.

I hope some of this was helpful.

Answer 4

Things of whiffs and things for rifts. Your poetry is the dictionary of the invisible, the emptiness of youth and the hollows of life. Look at my poem:

The Astronaut

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Also look at this one, a previous cut:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Please comment.

Thank you for writing this. I am really in tears. It is so sad.

Answer 5

The you I see is the you for me

As I see you is you for true

For you to see true

You need to see you

I like very much...It reminds me of a lot of things in my life.Thanks

Answer 6

"When I see that representation

There is not even vague recognition."

I like that.  The first time I read through it, not the subject or reason was ambiguous, but the first passage left me wondering about the source of the "distorted" image.  Does it represent the photo, or does it actually represent a reflection in water?  This is what I was wondering.  I wasn't a lit major though :/    

Nice piece, i'd say.

Answer 7

I like this.

I would not dare to alter or take other liscense with this...

just to say that it would be even better with further edit.

Such as some of the "the's".

Here is how I would read it and shave just slightly (the edits are in parenthesis) :

Distortion.

Staring into empty

reflection.

The truest me I know.

What ever it is

you see

When you stare

at the planes(,)

(And) angles(,)

shallows

And (the) depths of me

I find strange.

(When) I see that representation

(There is not even) vague recognition.

The eyes slope

altogether wrong,

(My) mouth curl(ing) almost

upside ways.

My light (is) dimmed

(and) I am not there.

That photo.

That face.

That expression

(does) not portray(ing) me.

Come

(and) look into my mirror.

Find this familiar

me.

Not prettier,

not sweeter,

(Not) more

or less.

Just truest

me.

Therefore, after edits it would read thus:

Distortion.

Staring into empty

reflection.

The truest me I know.

What ever it is

you see

when you stare

at the planes,

angles,

shallows

and depths of me

I find strange.

I see that representation,

vague recognition.

The eyes slope

altogether wrong,

mouth curling almost

upside ways.

My light dimmed.

I am not there.

That photo.

That face.

That expression

not portraying

me.

Come

look into my mirror.

Find this familiar

me.

Not prettier,

not sweeter,

more or less.

Just truest

me.

Of course, it is only suggestion.

But see how taking some of the 'the's' and 'and's' out, and changing the placement of the words on the page changes the reading, but not the poem?

I really like this. Play around with it.

Keep Writing!!!