If your child told you....serious question?

Question

This is a serious question and I don't normally like to ask personal questions like this especially when it involves my children but I really would like some input here and any snide comments about me being a troll or anything else will be reported.

If your child told you (after being asked if anyone did, because of some concerns)that someone close to you in your family (such as your father) had touched them inappropriately on one ocassion (and they gave you specifics which thank god were mild touching and nothing more...not that touching is good either), would you believe your child or the adult if the adult completely denied it? This is assuming you are close to the adult and would never imagine they could do this. Do you always believe the child?

Now let's say you choose to believe the child and get the child into counseling and you see an improvement in the child and their feelings about themself. Child protective services has done nothing to investigate even though it was reported by the counselor (who by the way also believed your child was telling the truth from her experience)...would you push for CPS to DO something or would you just cut all ties with that family memeber and let it be and just focus on getting your child the counseling so they can get past it?

Yes this is a personal issue I am dealing with and have been dealing with since April. The thing is, I feel like by not pushing the issue that other children could be at risk. I feel on one hand that I should push the issue but then I also feel like I have done my part, I made sure it was reported, I got my son immediate help. I feel like I want to just focus on getting my son through this, does that make me a bad person? I feel like if I push CPS on this I will cause it to be brought back to the surface for my son who is doing so much better now. Even the counselor is shocked that CPS has not done anything. They never even contacted me. Both me and the counselor have tried calling them and they won't give any info. I was told if it was an open case then I would get a call from someone but it's been 4 months and I've never heard from them. The counselor seems to think that we have done our part and we should focus on my son.

The family member has acted weird about the whole thing. Their first response was to deny it and be all nice. Once they realized I was believing my son they got angry with me and exact words were "you had better get a grip before this gets out of hand". Another strange comment from the accused was "it's good to teach kids about inappropriate touching but not to the point that they misinterpret everything that happens to them." I thought that was an odd thing to say.

anyway, what would you do in this situation? Believe your child, report it, continue with the counseling until you feel they don't need it anymore and just cut ties (which is what I have done). Or would you do something different?

This is a very difficult issue for me, I am cutting all ties with someone I have known all my life (my father). I feel a tramendous amount of guilt and torn feelings. I appreciate any advice/opinions as long as it's respctful. For the record...my older three boys say that nothing ever happened with them which doesn't surprise me bcause my youngest has a mild learning disability and I feel this made him an easier target.

Answer 1

From experience CPS isn't the greatest resource in helping you out in these sorts of situations. We had a similar situation happen in my family except it was the child's father, and they did very little to help the situation. Mind you the little girl is only 4 and in no way would be making up the sort of details she was telling family members. ( I don't believe young children would just make up things like that) You have done everything right so far, most of all believing your child and making sure that the adult is in no contact with him anymore. I'm sure it is difficult to have to cut all ties with your father, but ultimately the safety and well being of your child is your first concern. You can push the CPS thing, but there's no telling if they will just run you in circles, or actually do something. Its really your choice whether you want to put in the time effort to make them do something. For being in such a difficult situation you are doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you, you should just focus on making sure your son is continuing to improve and put it past him. My prayers are with you and your family and hope everything works out for you.

Answer 2

If both you and a professional believe the child is being truthful, I would tend to accept that. I also believe you have done what you could regarding the legal side of things. I think I'd probably take the counselors advice and just focus on the well being of your son and steer clear of your father.

I'm sorry for your situation.  

Answer 3

You don't say how old your son is but,  Children don't normally make up such story's about intimate contact, when they are older - early teens - then it is possible but i would say under the age of 11 they just don't do it because they don't know about that side of life.

I have thought about your position & how i would feel if it was my father & my oldest who is 6.

First, you have done right by your son by getting counsel ling, counselors are trained to ask non leading questions so i would have faith in her ability to detect wether the truth was being told.

I to would cut ties with my father and i understand why you would feel like protecting possible other victims but remember if cps decide to prosecute then it is your child that will have to give a witness statement and rrelivethe whole incident.

personally i think you have done enough for your child & family and it is time to rebuild his little life and focus on erasing this incident and move on.

Answer 4

Point blank, believe your child.  I was molested by a family friend as a child.  I kept quiet because my molester said my family would never believe me.  Big mistake.  I know it is hard to imagine anyone so close to you or your children could do such a thing, but I am a firm believer that most children will not make something like that up.  I would side with my child, no matter what the adult had to say.  I would look further into it and definitely see if you can get the authorities involved to further investigate.  Given the comments this family member has made to you, I would definitely believe your boy.  I'm so sorry that this could be happening to your son.  I would never wish that on anyone.  It sickens me to think that anyone could do that to a child.  My prayers are with you and your son.  

Answer 5

First of all, you need to believe your child and the consular.  To do otherwise would be to undermine the trust and faith that your child has in you to protect him from anything that can go wrong in this world.  I would concentrate on getting my child the help that he needed to work through this episode.

The second part is a little harder.  Your father never touched your other children.  Is there a chance that the inappropriate touching occurred accidentally during play?  I only bring up this because a friend of mine was babysitting and playing with his charges when his finger brushed against an adolescent breast.  He was booked, brought up on charges, and the charges were dismissed when it was brought to light that it was not an intentional act.  This greatly affected his family life (wife and four kids of his own), his job (arrest record), and future employment.

Your Dad's comments are strange tho.  If you don't feel that this was an accidental occurrence, then by all means, keep your children away from your father or at least only with adult supervision around if you have any doubts.  I would also give CPS another call and ask one more time if this was going to be pursued.

Your main job is to protect your children.  And, if that means breaking ties with your Dad, then don't feel guilty.

Answer 6

Mild touching scares 2 ,even if it was a child ,it still hurts ,if they felt uncomfortable.

Children  wouldn't make up a story that crazy  

Answer 7

Just an observation:  If you had to ask the child if he or she had been touched inappropriately and there were no other signs that the child was unhappy or upset, then there is no need whatever for "counseling".  More children are upset by over-reacting adults than by being the recipient of a "bad touch".  If was really "bad" in childrens' eyes, adults wouldn't have to "instruct" them on what consitutes a "bad" touch.  At the least I'd keep the child away from the adult, of course.

Answer 8

believe your child.  continue to push the case, otherwise, it gives the message that as long as its over, you don't care if that person goes unpunished for psychologically damaging your child.  It also means he'll have no record of being a sexual predator and can continue abusing children---children who may be too frightened to speak up.  Also, this man may even threaten your child or others if they do say anything else.  Don't give up.  

Answer 9

I would push the CPS to investigate the situation. And if the person gets upset so what its your child's well being at hand and if they didn't do it then they have nothing to worry about. I've seen shows where ppl didn't believe the child until they turned up pregnant for that person and even know a woman whose 3 children were being molested by their father and forced to touch each other. I would stay away from that person (not making any outlandish accusations) but until you know they are completely innocent. It would be better to withdraw your self from close family friend then to know this was being done to your child and you did nothing to stop it.

Answer 10

OH Honey...What a difficult situation...WHAT does your heart say? Are you comfortable with what you have done...DO YOU FEEL in your heart and mind that it was enough? You know your father..., has he EVER in any way made you feel uncomfortable? AS A child...do you or ANY brother or sister recall anything that just didn't seem RIGHT?  My thoughts  from what YOU have just told us is you STILL FEEL something needs to be done...I have to say I would ALWAYS believe my child FIRST and FOREMOST and sever all ties as you have done....NOW, I will say this again....WHAT does your HEART SAY? ARE other Children in DANGER?

Answer 11

Believe the child, continue the counseling, NEVER let the child be alone in the presence of the perpetrator, and wan all other family members and others with children to never let their child be alone with this turkey EVER!!  Now, as for CPS, what have they reported to you?  Heave they explained their lack of action?  What does the counselor advise?  

  As for me, I'd prosecute with every ounce of strength if the police and states attorney would act.  But that's me who hates the thought of anyone ever taking advantage of weaker person.  

Answer 12

As of right now, you need to cut ties. If your child is young enough not to know, or not tell the truth for himself. You cannot allow your father to possibly do it again. You need to report it. No matter if they continue with the investigation or not, it will be in the records. What is going to look bad is if your child gets molested or raped  by your father and there is proof, and your child says that they told you before, then you are going to have some accountability. This is your child, I would believe my daughter over anyone anyday, unless she was proven wrong. You can't do that to your child, this is what messed up children, is their parents don't believe them, and they suppress their rage and anger. And it will lead them into a life of unhappiness and depression, most of the time it does. You also need to have a long talk about why your child should tell the truh, that if they are lying they could get some in trouble, but don't make them scared to tell the truth. I wish you the best of luck to you and your family. And alot of parents don't do this. But always, always, let your child know how much you love them and hug them and tell them that. I tell my daughter, who is only 2, that I love her, about 20 times a day. Best of luck.

Answer 13

I would believe my child honestly. I would probably suggest counseling for that family member, and if they dont then cut ties. but otherwise just limit the amount they are with my child. if they would be allowed to see them at all. it would depend on what was said and such.

Dont feel bad about cutting ties with your father. If he had the gall to touch your son inappropriately, then he doesnt deserve you as a daughter.

Answer 14

I don't think your father would ever do that.it's not normal at all for a healthy person which I guess he is.if your son has a mild learning disability maybe he has just said it?maybe he has misunderstood what your father had done to him...idk...maybe he was just hugging him and your son "thought" this was abnormal.what did your son tell you?maybe you have got him wrong?

anyway,I can't say you have made a wrong decision because if it's real (as you said) other children are at risk.

this is what you have done and you can't go back,if you were wrong your father will be really sad,but don't regret it.your child needs a healthy life

Answer 15

It sounds as if you are doing exactly what I would do.  You are putting your childs needs first and foremost.  I would continue the counseling and cut all ties with the family member at this point.  You have reported the incident, from there I don't think there is much else you can do.  Stay away from this person and help your child heal.  

Good luck to you and best wishes for you and your child.  

Answer 16

If it were my child, and there was no history of habitual lying, then I would believe my child, get him/her some councelling and just go from there.  I don' t know if I would cut all ties, I guess it would depend on your relationship with your father.  Now, would I leave my child with this man alone - um, h**l no!  My neice had a similar situation (but it was with the sitters husband)...they did investigate but because my neice wouldn't say what they wanted to hear basically (she didn't do much talking to begin with) they dismissed the issue and my niece was simply pulled from that sitters home and went to a new day care!