If your daughter was in an abusive relationship?

Question

What would you do?

I'm 17 and I live with my boyfriend, Jack. I've been with him for three years and I really love him. He used to take me out all the time and we used to have a laugh. I recently fell out with my parents because they disagreed with us about something unrelated. Over the last year or so, Jack has been taking more drugs. He has always smoked weed and taken different pills, but recently he's done it more frequently and he drinks more often as well. I've known him for a long time and we used to be really close friends. He's not a bad person, I think something has happened because he's changed a lot recently. Whenever I ask him, he gets really angry at me and just shouts so I try and stay out of his way. Over the last few weeks he's started hitting me out of anger. Sometimes he'll just sit there with a blank look and lash out, but he cries and begs me for forgiveness after. I know he's not a bad person at all, he's really not. I'm worried about him.

Answer 1

STOP DEFENDING THAT JERK! Would you rather mend the relationship with your parents and have a safe haven or keep the feud going and be abused.  Jack is one step away from killing you and you're making excuses for him.  The 'something' that's changed is he's now a crack/meth head and the violence is just going to get worse.  You can't talk it out of him and you certainly can't love it out of him.

Forget that "but I love him" c**p and leave him and LIVE, or stay with him and DIE.  Instead of worrying about him, you had better get worried about yourself, YOU'RE IN DANGER, SERIOUS DANGER.

Answer 2

first, it's what you do that makes you good or bad, so don't defend his morality.

second, i would not let my 17 year old daughter live with her boyfriend

third i would most definitely have a serious talk with the kid and let him know that there is nothing good that will come from him putting his hands on my daughter who i would gladly die for or serve whatever sentence given to me (i don't have kids but i'm sure that's how i would feel)

fourth i would never let my daughter see him again unless it was after he had been through some serious rehabilitation

as for how to tell your parents, i guess it can't be said enough... be honest

Answer 3

If you really love him then you will want him to get off drugs and be the guy you fell in love with. To cut a long story short, no amount of forgiving him, sticking by him, or being his punchbag will achieve this. it will get worse the longer you let it go on. You need to leave now. tell him you are going and will be back once he has been clean for 6 months. If you stay and he tries to clean up for you, it wont work. It has to be his own motivation or it wont last.

He's not a bad person, but hes acting like one. Your priority is yourself. No woman (or man for that matter) should become another persons punchbag. What if one day it gets worse than just bruises?

Many women spend years with a man before they finally get the courage to leave. By then they are usually phsical and emotional wrecks and it takes years to build up your confidence and health again. Dont be one of those.

Answer 4

As much as you want to stay and your mind will tell you it's only happening for a little while, he won't do it again, he loves you and doesnt mean this, you can't stay with him right now.

Would you want YOUR daughter in that type of relationship? No, I doubt it and you don't deserve that. If I were you go to someones house that you trust call him and say I can't be with you until you're better. Tell him how wonderful it used to be and that's all you want from him. Tell him to get help so you two can really love each other again. If you don't do this you aren't only letting yourself get hurt he's getting hurt too. Be brave and know that you can do it, it'll be alright and it's the best thing for you to do right now.

Answer 5

It sounds like to me.  You need to grow up some.  There is a lot more men out in this world.  That don't take drugs.  That you could learn to love.  I can see why your parents kicked you out.  I wouldn't want a dope head in my house.  People that take drugs.  Can not be trusted.  They will steal money from you or somebody else.  To buy drugs with.  Go back to your parents and leave him.  And start going to church.

Answer 6

well if i was your parent i would want  to know just because you had a falling out doesn't mean they don't love you. i was in an abusive relationship and i really loved him too, when i finally got sick of his c**p and threatened to leave him he went to rehab but he started all over again so i eventually had to leave him. but if you really love him and he really loves you maybe you can work things out but if he tries to hit you again i would leave go to a domestic assault shelter or back to your parents after all your better than that and deserve better than that.  p.s. if it gets really bad a frying pan helps trust me that's what i had to do in the end.

Answer 7

I don't think your parents would turn you away if you told them what was happening to you.  Can you move in with someone else?  Move out on your own? (probably not).  You have to tell your parents - they will protect you.  You're only 17. Did you know that you'll not legally an adult?  Where are you living with your boyfriend?  I hate reading about abusive relationships.  Please take yourself out of your body and look at yourself and your relationship.  Is this something you want in your life?  In your children's lives if you happen to have them with him in the future.  Please leave him before he starts hitting you harder.  It doesn't matter if you love him and he's only begging you and apologizing because he knows it works on you.  You are not a strong woman at all. I'm sorry, you are not.  You have no other connections with this guy, leave him.   Three years is not a long time.  Girl, you have so much more life ahead of you.  Please enjoy it and stop living in fear.

Answer 8

You just straight-out tell them.  They will help you.  Everyone makes mistakes, but staying in an abusive relationship is an even bigger mistake.  Don't make excuses for him.  You may not stop loving him, but it's time to take care of yourself, which means no longer getting hurt physically or emotionally.  If you can't bring yourself to tell them that he is abusive, just tell them that you broke up with him and he wasn't right for you and you need to come home.  If they don't help you, contact a women's shelter.  There is no reason to stay with an abuser--not even love.  He needs space to get his act together.  Staying with him will not make it better.  In fact, it will probably continue to get worse and worse.

If it were my daughter, I'd take her back home, no questions asked, and try not to have an I-told-you-so attitude because that won't help.

Answer 9

"I know he's not a bad person at all"

Yes, he is. If he is abusing you, verbally and physically, he is a very bad person and you need to get out. Stop making excuses for him, you both need help.

Answer 10

You are in a sick and twisted relationship and need to leave it immediately.

I'd tell you to read an article delineating the symptoms of Antisocial Personality disorder, previously known as sociopathy/psychopathy.

I have been there. It won't get better. The fact that you "love" and still need approval from someone who shows his love by physically assaulting you indicates you as well need a mental health consultant. The codependency cycle is a viscious one.

Maybe one day he won't be a bad person, but right now he is. You leaving may be the wake up call that saves his life. He exerts this mental imbalance fueled power trip on you because YOU ALLOW IT. You teach people how to treat you.

You have no one to blame for this situation but you. It will continue, it will escalate. Add in drugs, and he REALLY won't know  what he's doing (grugs can bring on psychotic breaks) and someone is going to get hurt bad.

If you're hitting back, it makes you as bad as he. You are in a bad place and need to leave.

Answer 11

please get out! you may be worried about him but he isn't worried about you! if he can hit you imagine what else he is capable of. i hope that you can break away from him. if you have an older brother or cousin make sure they are there when you move out.  i wish you the best of luck. remember what you are experiencing is not the way a relationship should be. no matter what he says he isn't going to change at least not with you around.

Answer 12

I would have you move home.  Your not an adult so I would MAKE you move home.  Every guy who beats their gf/wifes always say "im so sorry, I love you" blah blah blah.  Its BS you need to go back home with your parents, your to young to be playing house.

Answer 13

u need to realize that you and your BF have grown apart...he's not that boy that u loved and laughed with three years ago. for whatever reason he's into drugs more and is violent and that is NOT something that u stand by him for. U could try to fix him but it wont work, he is the only person who can fix him. if you stay in a relationship with him u will only be disappointed and injured....possibly ur life is in danger.  U NEED to leave him and get your life in order. U should talk to a therapist or read a self esteem book because wanting to be with someone who HURTS U PHYSICALLY is a SERIOUS problem!

If I was your parent...i would tell you that and worry horribly for your safety. This is your decision since you are almost an adult....please make the safe choice and leave! Its probably killing your parents to know that he hits u! He should go to jail. thats WRONG!!! dont let yourself be treated like this. u DESERVE BETTER!!! Tell him u have to remove yourself from this DANGEROUS relationship but are willing to reconsider if he gets help and changes back into a loving caring person again.

and, apologizing after he hits you doesn't mean he is a nice person any more. it means he has a conscience still. He needs tough love. if you remove yourself from the situation he will understand that if he hits u walk away and are not in his life...even if he apologizes!

Answer 14

Your boyfriend will carry on doing this because he knows you are always going to be there for him.  Keeping quiet is the WORSE thing you can do.

Firstly, speak to your parents, I am sure they only know the tip of the iceburg and if they knew what was going on they would be angry at this boy for walking all over you and treating you with no respect.  

Advice off your loved ones could do you the world of good, give you more confidence about the situation and help you to sort the problem out.  

Speak to your boyfriend about your concerns and explain to him how good the past was and why has things changed now.

It doesn't matter how much you love him, family matter so much more and at 17 you will not realise that yet as you are only just starting to live your life.  It is definitely worth while speaking to family and friends, make your boyfriend aware that you are not going to stand for it anymore.

Answer 15

If you were mine, I would haul your sweet a** out of there, even if you didn't want it! You must get out of there NOW. He is not the same boy you once loved, he has changed for the worse and nothing you say or do will make any difference. He is the one who has to get help, not you helping him. Sounds harsh doesn't it? but it is the truth. Stop making excuses for him. You would be helping him more if you left and gave him something to think about. Get out now before he does something to you which he won't be able to ask you forgiveness for, as you will be dead. Sorry if this upsets you, but you need to face reality. Good luck.

Answer 16

I would probably cry because I was such a crappy parent that I raised a daughter who has such low esteem that she justifies staying with a drug using, alcoholic, abusive p.o.s.

Answer 17

Hi Leah92 if you stay with him your parents could be visiting you in hospital or even worse in a morgue.  Is that what you want.  I know how you feel, because I have been there myself, but think about it.  You are worth more than that, and if he REALLY loved you, he would try and sort himself out to have a happy life with you.  My God I sound like Jeremy Kyle,  But seriously doll, think about this, and think how your parents feel about this, they love you and they wouldn't want to see being hurt like this.

Answer 18

I would just tell your parents about the situation. They are going to understand and help you any way that they can. Family always stick together. I hate to tell you if you don't get out of the situation it is just going to get worse. If you don't then I would try and get your boyfriend help if you truly love him and if he truly loves you than he would be more than welling to get the help.

Answer 19

If he is stating to hit you leave as soon as possible. This will only keep getting worse until you are dead or almost dead. It starts with hitting once or twice then the I'm sorry c**p and keeps getting worse. Domestic violence is a terrible thing. I'm in law enforcement, and see it on a daily basis. I have seen the cycles of how it starts out nd goes until someone is dead or almost dead. You may say that you love him and he loves you, but getting hit is NOT love and you do not deserve it.

Answer 20

Even if you have had a falling out with your parents I am sure they still love you very much and would do anything to help you out in this situation.  Best solution would be just show up on their doorstep and tell them you know you made a mistake.  It is very very hard to change and abusive partner and it will just become a large circle of abusive if you stay so get out while you can.  I know you love him but sometime you have to love someone enough to let them live their life without you in it.  You do not need to be hurt physically and the mental hurt of getting over someone you love will ease in time.....broken bones and hospital visits will not ease in time!  So, if you were my daughter I would tell you to run like h**l come home and I would help you in any way I ever could, but you will have to leave him in the past!  You are still very young and will find the right one at the right time, at this moment it is time to protect yourself from a lifetime of abuse!

Answer 21

Sweetie, if you feel like you are not able to speak to your parents, especially your Mother, about this and lean on them for support you need to find a battered spouse home. They are located everywhere throughout the USA. I would hope you would have a best friend that will keep you safe and keep your secrets! Every one needs that special some one. I have three daughters of my own and I will never let any harm come to them if I could help it no matter what has happen to us in the past. I have had some fallen outs with them as well...but there is no man going to cause any harm to my child and get away with it. Please talk to you MOM! She is you life giver and she will not close her heart to you no matter what has happen!!

Answer 22

Get the h**l out!  Break the cycle... don't be a victim.

God bless you -

Answer 23

i understand becoz ive been in 2 abusive relationships, im not great at choosing men. neither of them hit me it was more mental abuse. but ive just left my little girls father, becoz he has a bad temper was taking drugs etc.

i left for my daughter.

im not going to be soft with you, making the descision to go will be the toughest youve ever made, you love them and you think they'll change etc etc.

but you have to because if you sit and think about it, you simply cannot spend the rest of your life feeling so unhappy.

you are so young can you imagine spending 70 or 80 odd years like that.

thats what spurred me on. i look at my grandma whos been unhappily married all her life and know ive done th eright thing.

this aggresion and drug issue is his problem not yours, and i promise you there are some great men out there.

hat ould your mum and dad say if you turned up back at home? would you have their support? if not there are othere people to talk to.

look up helplines online. please get help and dont stay.

i know youre worried about him its because youre a nice person but he has to sort himself out and you have to be strong.  

please let me know how you go on, ill be worrying about you.

just remember that although it feels like it your not the only one in this situation.

x

Answer 24

I would go and tell your parents. I have never been in a situation like yours, but I know that family will stick together through thick and thin. Also try to help your boyfriend to quit his addiction. Maybe take him to a clinic to help him through.

Good luck, your in my thoughts.

Answer 25

Kick the **** out of your boyfriend.

Lily's Dad - True, good point - but then you would go kick the **** of him right??

Answer 26

first i would beg you to leave this violent man . He got away with hitting you the first time , i bet he cried so you felt sorry for him so you wouldnt leave him , what a classic, it happens all the time , its a vicious circle and it will happen time after time, Being high on drugs or booze is no excuse and it wont get any better for you, Imagine what it would be like for your parents to identify your body in a morgue all because your violent partner went too far and hit you too hard. If he really wanted to give up these drugs/booze he would ask for help but my guess is that this wont happen cuz he has you at home to keep putting up with things. Boot him out , make him realise he cant carry on beating on you like this . Everyone deserved to be happy , and my guess is that while with this man you will never be .. good luck girl .

Answer 27

Honey I was you 14 years ago, I was 16 when I started dateing him well you sound just like I did,  I love him I dont want to hurt him and so on.  Well many beatings later an attempted murder and being raped on many occasion he is now serving the next 4 to 5 years in prison for child sexual assault. Ya I know you are saying oh no not him he would never go that far, I said the same thing. Get out now before it is to late. I can tell you that if any of my children get into a relationship like I did I wouldnt be angry with them they are just a victim of the crepe they are with but I wont sit back quietly and let it go and hope they will make the right choice. The guy will be begging for mercy to put it lightly. I know you dont want to and you love him but if he loved you he wouldnt be doing this, dont waste your life on this idiot move on and you will be much better off.

Answer 28

First, you need to understand that this part of his personality is not going to change. Unless you are prepared to be hit your whole life, it is time to leave. I am speaking from experience.

If that was my daughter, I dont care how old she is, I would drag her butt home and talk to her about what she is doing. If I ever saw him hit her I would put him in the ground. I simply do not tolerate that. My daughter's ex boyfriend when she was 16, used to push her around, he never hit her but she was bruised. When my husband and I found out, my daughter was petrified at what her father would do, he looked at her and said "you should be worried about what your mother is going to do". I went over there, dragged him by the ear into the kitched and sat him down in a chair in the middle of the room and asked him why he thought it was acceptable to do what he is doing, then I told him he has one of two options, go to anger management and never see my daughter again, or go to jail and never see my daughter again.

My sons all know I do not tolerate that kind of behavior. Everyone has to respect each other in my house and if my sons were being abused I would stand up for them as well.

Honey, I grew up in a home with an abusive father and saw my mother almost die at the hands of my father. For years she tried to have him change. But it doesnt work honey. Its not the drugs, its not alcohol or anything like that. They make the situation worse, but something deep inside you makes you hurt others and that does not change.

Answer 29

If I was one of your parents I would do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to get you out of this relationship.

Time to get yourself together darling. It's not your fault that he is a drug adict. Get out of there now and leave Jack to  professional caretakers.

Answer 30

You are making a huuuge mistake in not stamping on this behaviour immediately... it's a mistake which means you are much more likely to see the relationship degenerate further and go through a lot more pain and punishment.  

It means you are very unlikely to remain together in the long term because you are tacitly accepting it, giving him a 'reward' for behaving badly.

Issue an ultimatum, leave, and make him grovel long and hard (and go to counselling, therapy, whatever it takes) before you accept him back.  If you don't you've lost him anyway, and frankly it sounds like he's not worth it.

Answer 31

I felt the exact same way about my ex only I didn't love him, in a way I wanted to stay but I needed to get out  of there. I tried many times but he stopped me from leaving. It does only get worse so I would say get out of there. Make up with your parents and ask them for support.

I am sorry you are going through this.