Im 14 , adopted and i want to find my " REAL" family?

Question

do you think the ones im with will be upset or hurt bye this ?

i want answers though .

like where did i get this blonde hair from ,

and if i have any sisters or brothers ,

or if i even have a mum and dad for all i know they could be dead. i want to know why they put me up for adoption

or what the house i lived in looked like , i just want to know but i dont know how to ask my parents " i call them my parents by the way because i havent had anything else.

i really want to know. and one other question too , does it cost to adopt and how much ???

Answer 1

Talk to your parents.  Your feelings are very real and valid.  They should be supportive of you, but may want you to wait till your a bit older...depends.  As far as how much adoption cost...it depends.  Kids who are in foster care who are adopted, the adoptive parents pay for nothing unless they hire their own attorney.  Private adoptions can be very pricy, depending on the needs of the natural mother.  

But rest assured, even though you have parents that gave birth to you...you also have parents that raised you...in my eyes, they are both your real family.

Answer 2

Good luck....

Answer 3

You really should talk to your parents and tell them that you want to find your original family. Don't worry about hurting their feelings. I am sure they have expected you to want more information and were just waiting for you to ask.

What you are feeling is normal and you should not feel bad or guilty about wanting to know this.

Answer 4

Heey, im courtney:)

Well im adopted too i just turned 15 years old in march. I was adopted when i was about 1. I've neevr met my parents and i dont know anything about them. I have always wanted to know the same as you. The parents that i live with now, well we kidna of fight alot. My mom and i fight probably everyday, and me and my dad well, i guess you could say we are pretty close:) My brother was also adopted but we are not related in anyway. He has been in a foster home for about 7 years now and its been really hard for me because i never really get to see him. My birth mom left me a letter and pictures but im not suppost to know that. I've asked the folks that i live with now if they have any pictures of my mom and they say no. It's really hard to hear that because they are lying to me. I guess they dont want me to know about my birth mom because it will hurt them. My birth dad doesnt even no im alive, he didnt even no my mom was pregnant with me that was hard for me to find out. I think you should ask about your birth parents. They might feel sad about it but its not like you are going to go move in with them i'd hope. You will always wonder who your real parents are if you dont meet them, and no matter what your gaurdians now will love you forever after all they did adopt you and that comes from the heart and you mean the world to them :) My gaurdians have raised me really well and no matter how much we fight, i love them with all my heart and i'm lucky they chose me because for all i no i could have been in a foster home and i probably wouldnt have gotten the love and attention that i get now.

Hope that kind of helped :)

Good luck with your choice,

Courtneeey

Answer 5

adoption doesn't cost as much in the uk as in america but i don't know the amount sorry. i think you should ask your parents these questions they will understand they have proberbly been waiting for you to ask. Just tell them the same as you told us they will then see that you just want to find out where you came from.

My aunty and uncle adopted two children thay are 10 and 13 now and thay had all sorts of information ready for them whn they asked such as why they were adopted where they used to live what there Birth mother looked liked (don't know who there birth father is) how may other siblings they have how old are they what are there names. They see there two older sisters now because my aunty found out they were adopted locally and through social services made contact with their adoptive parents and arranged to meet up.

Hope this helps

Answer 6

Unlike in the USA where the records are sealed forever.   Luckily in the UK you have the right to your adoption file upon reaching the age of 18.

I too didn't think it was 'OK' to talk about adoption and feared the reaction from my parents but be brave, it's ok to talk about it and it's perfectly natural for you to want to know.  I'm sure your parents will understand that this does not mean you love them any less, nor are you looking for a new mum and dad - you just want to know

Take the risk and tell them, I hope you will be pleasantly surprised by their reaction.    My parents were always willing to talk about it despite my fears (which were very similar to yours btw) however they made the mistake of waiting for me to bring it up; which I never did, I was scared.

As for your second question, Private adoption in the UK is illegal.  It is first and foremost a social service for children and finding homes for children who need them (unlike the USA where unethical practices are commonplace and, unfortunately, accepted as the norm!)  so, rest assured your parents didn't 'pay' for you.   The costs of adoption are mostly paid by social services, including the home study - the only fees you might be expected to pay are court fees, which amount to around £140 in all.

Go on, speak with them.  You'll be relieved to get it out in the open, take it from one who bottled it up for decades - that's not healthy.  Best of Luck

ETA OK shortstuff, I should have said that in 44 States they are sealed forever, my bad.  Only 6 States have re-opened, some with discriminatory restriction and 2 States have never sealed.  So I guess I should have said MOST States are sealed forever; which is irrelevant to this question anyways so no harm done, eh?

Answer 7

I'm not sure about the laws in UK but in USA you can't find your birth family until your 18 years old. And if it was a closed adoption then the records are sealed and you can't open them.

Answer 8

i have 2 adopted sisters and one birth sister - i was once asked by a co worker who knew my family - which one was my "real" sister - my response to this was that they are all my REAL sisters ..... they are my family and that is that.

they have never wanted to find their birth mother and father, but know that if they ever did decide that they wanted to that our parents and us would be completley supportive.

i think you need to sit down and talk to your parents and tell them how you are feeling.  im sure they will be really supportive and if they do get upset it is only because they love you - you are very special to them as they chose you - always remember that.

family is who you are with and that doesnt mean it has to be tied by blood - just love ...........

i understand that you have lots of questions that you need answering and the only people that can possibly answer them are your birth parents - just talk to your mum and dad first though please - things are so much easier when you have the love and support of those who care xx

Answer 9

I'm sure they will be nervous but just explain to them that you need to know some things for yourself but it will not change your relationship with them. They knew that there would come a day when you would question and you may be surprised they may be eager to help you find your answers. Good Luck!!

Answer 10

You've got to talk to your parents.  They should expect that you'd want to know about your natural family.  Don't let this eat you up- be strong and just ask them.  You can do it.  :-)

Answer 11

This is something that adoptive parents are always waiting to hear.  Talk to them, and ask for their help.  They will probably be upset, but not surprised.  It's a natural thing to want, but...

1.  Please know that your adoptive family is your "REAL" family.  Your REAL parents are the people who tucked you in every night, and took care of you when you were sick, and read to you when you were bored.  

2.  You might not meet a family like the one you have.  Your birth parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of you for a reason that you don't know.  You might find people who are drunk or on drugs, or who were too young and now have a new family that doesn't include you.  You might find two new families, because your birth parents might very well not be together.  Do not picture a lovely family like the family you have.  It might or might not be so.

Aside from that, I really do wish you luck.  Just please make sure that your parents know that you are curious and that you love love love them and that they are your real parents and you just want to know where you came from.   Not at all unusual.

good luck.

Edit:  Groovy, I want you to know something about me.  I found myself on this topic by accident.  I'm the mother of two children whom I gave birth to and raised.  The fact that I carried them for 9 months each was a job that I did while I continued my life as it was before I became pregnant.  The fact that I went through labor with them was a matter of a day of pain and a few days in the hospital.  The fact that I raised them and took care of them and loved them for all the years since they were born is the important part.  My life has not been the same since I gave birth to them, and nothing is more important to me than doing what is best for them.  It is for that reason that I took it so personally that you referred to your birth parents as your "real" parents.  I've been both to my children, but the birth job was nothing compared to the job of caring for them ever since.

Answer 12

It cost a lot to adopt.. I'm looking into adopting right now but one of the things that makes me think twice is exactly this. I understand that all children will want to know where they came from but If I raise a child and put my heart and soul into them I would be hurt if they found there birth parents and I became less of a parent...I do have 1 biological son and he has blond hair and blue eyes and we have no idea where he got it from he doesn't look anything like me. We have a few blond relitives but he doesn't look like them either..It cost around 20k to 30k to adopt. Even more if you want a newborn with blond hair)

Answer 13

Hey groovy. When I was your age, I had the same questions. I was able to find my non identifying information in my house that my aparents got through the courts and that eased my curiousity ( some ) until I was the legal age to request my own information and register and search on my own.

Only 6 states in the United States allow adult adoptees to have access to their original birth certificate ( which has the names of at least the mother you came from and maybe your father too. )

Nobody told that to me, i thought that when i was 18 I could get their names, but I was wrong, my state was a sealed records state. What state are you in? can you edit and add and I'll help you find out your laws?

My advice to you is to sit down with yourself and write out all of the questions that you have. There are so many i know, but get them on a piece of paper and if you can try talking with your adoptive parents about your questions. If you can edit your question and put your state up, i can get you an address where you can ask your parents to send in for your non identifying information.  

Non identifying information is information on your birth, your mother maybe your father, their races, their features and depending on the state and social worker that filled it out, many more details are often available. Mine was one page, others get many pages it really just depends on the person who fills it out.

Try talking with your adoptive parents and ask them to get this for you. Then when you become 18 - 21 ( depending on the state ) you can join a registry and sign a consent to relesase y our information through the state or agency that you were adopted through and your search can begin from there.

I totally understand what you're going through. I've been there, and it hurts. I'm sorry.

http://www.adultadoptees.org has a teen board that I heard is awesome. I'm on the adult board, but maybe you'd like to come talk w/ other teens who are going through, exactly what you're going through.

((((peace))))

Answer 14

talk to your parents about it.

Answer 15

It's completely normal to want to know about your birth family at this age.  Teenagers are all struggling to figure out who they are, and being adopted adds to the whole dilemma.

As an adoptive mom, I would be glad to help my daughters search for their bio parents if they wished to do so.   You should tell your Mum and Dad that you love them very much, but you can't help thinking about your birth mother and father, and you would like to know more about them if possible.

Your parents may even have some information already about your birth family, and could share this with you!  Please keep in mind, though, that it's possible you will learn some bad things along with some good things.   For this reason, many young adoptees are encouraged to wait until they are 18 to search for their birth parents, so they are mature enough to handle anything they find.

Answer 16

sit down and talk to them tell them that you love them and that they will always be your parents but you do want to find your birth parents. They shouldn't be upset becuz it is normal for adopted kids to wanna find out more about their birth parents. You have unanswered questions and i am sure they will understand.

Answer 17

I think your parents should be supportive of your decision, but may be hurt if you call your other parents your real parents.  I hope you find them adn get answers you need.

Answer 18

I am an adoptive mom.  I have a 15-year-old daughter who is thinking a lot about her birth family right now.  It doesn't upset me AT ALL.  It's perfectly normal.  Anyone would!  It has nothing to do with your love for them, or their love for you.  It's just about finding out who you are and where you came from.  It's a natural instinct within all of us.  If we would all just stop for a minute and imagine what it would feel like to wake up with amnesia, and not remember anything about ourselves, then we would have a little bit of an idea how adoptees must feel.  I am hoping to show my daughter all the support she needs as she looks for her roots.  My only concern is that the fantasty she has built up in her mind will be disappointing.  Other than that, I am all for her looking for her roots.  We all need to have that connection to our past.  We feel incomplete without it.  You aren't alone.  I hope you will find lots of fellow adoptees who will help you as you deal with these issues.  And I hope your parents will support you in every way.  Good luck!

P.S.  about the term "real" parents.  It is just a word.  My daughter uses it all the time.  I prefer "adoptive" and "biological".  I think both of us mothers are "real".  Neither of us are "fake".  But I am not offended by her use of "real".  I know she loves me, and she knows I love her.  Period.

About your question of how much it costs to adopt a child.  In our state (and I hope in every USA state) it is illegal to "purchase" children.  How much it costs depends on the process that is used.  If it's a private adoption the A-parents may pay all of the medical bills, etc... for the birth mother, but she still has every right to change her mind and keep the baby.  There are also attorney fees.  In our case, we adopted both our children after first being foster parents to them.  We only had attorney fees to pay.  Unfortunately, I am learning that selling babies, though illegal, is a booming business.  That is a very, very sad statement about our society.

Answer 19

You mean your birthparents.  You need to find out if you can legally do that.  Here in the US, you need to wait until you are 18 to search.

Answer 20

I know exactly what you are going through.

Sucks doesn't it? There are jsut so many things you want answered that your adoptive parents can't.

I was adopted through the ministry of children and family services and as my friend's mom is a foster parent she contacts my social worker sometimes and asks what my mom's into (drugs alcohol etc.) I found out I have 3 sisters all under 11.

I met my mom  eight months ago. She was really nice but she said she'd write asap and still no letter. The chance of finding your biological parents are slim, mine was a miracle from God. After years of tears and pain God finally showed her to me.

Now it's up to her. the majority of it until your 18 is up to your bioparents, sadly. My mom stil hasn't written and I'm a little upset and frustrated (okay alot) but I'm just gonna be me...

What you should do is try asking questions out of the blue like what did my parents look like? whe n I was five my mom jsut said I don't know I never met your mom (my dad held me once for five minutes in the hospital I don't even want to know I do but don't you know?) anyway ask questions like that for a couple days then one day at supper say " I wanna have contact with my biological parents..

Just a few words of advice here NEVER EVER think you arent worth anything.l figured that out the hard way. I had been thinking that I wasn't good enough and I needed to be better. After meeting my biomom I realized it was her fault for not writing not mine. THat helped alot.

Wish you everything. (gives hugs...big hugs)

Shakira

Answer 21

It's perfectly normal to want to find your biological family. Hopefully, your adoptive parents will understand the need & desire you have to find your birth parents, & help you in your search. Just sit down with your "mom & dad" & tell them that you want to search for your biological parents. They've had to have a good idea that the day would come when you would bring this subject up one day. I think it's a good thing if you can find one or both of your birth  parents, so as to learn their medical history & the medical history of any birth siblings you may have. I was adopted when I was two years old, & that was many years ago. As to the cost of adoption, I don't know. Your adoption papers, should reveal the names of your biological parents, but they may not.  You must prepare yourself for disappointment, if you can't locate your birth parents right away. I suggest you never give up, because I didn't, & I found my parents & learned that I had five siblings. (I was the baby of the family) Talk to your parents soon. You have a right to find your roots. I hope you have had a good life, one full of happiness & love.

**heather...You are incorrect about the adoption records in the U.S.A.. They are not all sealed for life. If an adopted person was born between certain years, then can hire a lawyer, & get help in locating their birth parents. This I know from an incident in my family, involving a niece I knew nothing about for 40 some years, until she came into my life. She was adopted & got her records opened because of the time frame in which she was born.

Answer 22

You have every right to want to know your birth family- and I don't think your parents will be upset. My adopted son, just met his birth family last year- however could I make a suggestion- don't tell them you want to meet your REAL family- your adopted parents are real

Answer 23

your adoptive family love you,but you can't be upset if they do get hurt.

but by telling you,im sure they relize that you'll want to find your real mum and dad.Im also 14,and british,I live in Belfast.

I know what you much be going through.And i hope your parents do support you.

Good Luck

Answer 24

sweety adoption is very expensive and your parents only wanted to give a nice home and a nice place to be. Remember that they gave you all they can and i think you should wait untill you are 18 to ask them about your birth mother, they might give you the name. Also remember that your birth mother gave you up thinking about your well being

Answer 25

Sorry Short stuff- But you are wrong, wrong, wrong. Do your research and not off the experience of others. This website details what states allow access to records. Anyone can get non-identifying information, but to get a OBC, some states you have to go through a lot of red tape. It isn’t as simple as requesting. Please provide fact and not false information to this young girl.

Adoption law is state law and this includes laws covering the release of identifying and non-identifying information to adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.

Alabama, Alaska, Kansas, New Hampshire, and Oregon are "open records states," meaning that adult adoptees can receive copies of original documentation about their adoptions just by completing an application process. Other states also provide for the release of original information with some restrictions.

http://reunion.adoption.com/adoption-rec...

You can also check here too:

http://local.reunion.adoption.com/

Example: Nevada

Obtaining Non-Identifying Information:

Adopted adults and adoptive parents may obtain non-identifying information.

Obtaining Identifying Information:

Identifying information is provided through the registry.

Obtaining an Original Birth Certificate:

An adoptee must petition the court in which the adoption was finalized.

Answer 26

Hi. You sound exactly like I did when I was your age. Head filled full of curiosity, and thats great. I ended up being lucky enough to find all of my birth family. I really do think you should confide in your mam and dad first though. They might supprise you and be just as understanding as my parents were and are. I am from the UK and couldnt access my record until I was 18 years old. Your mam and dad should have some papers for you already though. I started with the adoption agency that delt with my adoption. They gave me a copy of all my records and I just went from there.

Being only 14, you  might be able enquire, depending on how much you already know, and put a letter into the files or your siblings. If your siblings choose to search, then the agency can forward the letter on.

Please be honest and open with your parents though. That makes things alot less of an emotional rollercoaster. They might know information you could work on. If you need any help then dont hesitate to mail me and I will help you any way that I can.

Good luck