Im in Lockdown mode..HELP!!! Please ?

Question

Okie, well im 17 years old, and a couple monthes ago my mom caught me having s*x. Now, nothing has been the same since. Like, i can't go out with friends, she checks up on me, controls who i can and can't see, is always fighting with me over the little things, and is always uptight. Im not allowed to see my bf anymore, and she has completly isolated me, and so my summer days have come down to sitting in my room, watching tv and playing video games.

I tried explaining to her that its my life, and she says shes doing these things to protect me, but in all truths, i see things that she really isnt. Im being watched worse then a baby child. Im goin to be 18 in a couple days, and found out that when i will be 18, i still cant do anything and she will make sure of that. I dont know what to do, i tried talking to her, but all we ever do is agrue, and the atmosphere in the house is stressful, and lots of tension. She says she wants everything back to normal, but it just isnt and wont be. I told her i want to move out (im goin to college and staying at home cuz my program is only a yr, and save some money..my first program that is) but she said that if i do, i would have to pay her back the 3000 dollars she paid for college, that was saved throu the years. What can I do?

Answer 1

when you become a mother you will understand  meanwhile  move out and then you can do what you want  besides taking care of your own bills like food rent lights gas phone insurance cable internet  so you see you have broken a trust and it is her way or the highway  as far as the 3000  she knows you cant pay her back immediately  she will just have to wait until you get a job and start paying what you can each month   legally you probably don't have a contract with her about the 3000 dollars so it probably was a gift which you don't have to repay unless you want to   i hope things get smoothed out with your ma  maybe if you can rebuild your trust  how old is this boyfriend  if he is 18 she can have him arrested so your lucky she didnt do that

Answer 2

tell her, you`ll play the 3,000 dollars, when you save up enough money, and when your 18, just move out. you`ll be an adult, and she has no control over that.

Answer 3

You messed up, girl.  She just DOESN'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE and it will take TIME to regain the trust.  It's really your own fault!  

Answer 4

The first thing you will have to do is earn her trust back.  If I were you I would start with a long,heartfelt "I am sorry, Mom" letter.  Spill your heart out to her but be sincere.  Tell her you want to earn her trust all over again and ask her how you can do that.  Find out what it is she wants you to do to make things better.  Ask her to write you back.  Ask her the things you want to know.  Don't get into the the boy friend thing or any of that.  Stay on the safe side and be careful what you write.  I hope this helps.  I really do.  I'm rooting for you!!

sugar

EDIT:  Sandy, Please don't let this ruin your relationship with your Mom, she's the only mother you will ever have.  Mine passed away not long ago.  And what I would not give to give her a big hug and tell her I love her right now.  Please don't hurt that relationship.

Answer 5

Id save up my money and move out b/c ur 17 and should do what you want

Answer 6

Sounds like your mother is very wise.  She is right and you should follow the rules of her home for as long as you live there you must obey her rules.  Don't fight her on it.  It will only make lock down mode worse.  Apologize for your behavior in her home and promise to stay morally clean while you are living with her.  This is the only way and she is also right about protecting you.  She cares enough for you to do something about your breaking the rules.    If you want to be sleeping with every cute guy that comes along  before marriage and be miserable the rest of your life you can make that choice after you have moved out.  Respect her enough to follow her rules.  

Answer 7

i completely understand what your coming from.. my mom caught we in a similar situation..but now its much more calm..all you have to do is get a little closer to her go to the mall with her, talk to her, become friends with her and start doing more chores around the house and she will slowly think your becoming more responsible..worked for me. =]

Answer 8

I am going to have to agree with your mother on this one.  Why in the world would you have s*x in a place your mother could walk in on you?

If I had caught my daughter having s*x I would not let her leave my sight.  I'm sure your mother talked to you about not having s*x until you are mature enough and can afford to raise a baby.

I just finished a question a young girl had.  She was pregnant, had been to a number of schools because everyone made fun of her and through spit balls at her and her life is so miserable.   She said she didn't have anyone.  She didn't mention her parents so I guess they must have kicked her out of the house.

Is this what you want you life to be like?  Your mother doesn't want your life to be like this child's life is.  This is why she is so strict on you now.  She can't trust you, you have caused it so don't blame your mother.

About the $3,000.00, did she give it to you or does she still have it waiting for you to go to college?  I don't understand this part.  But as long as your are going to school to further your education, I don't know what her problem is with this.  $3000.00 is not much money to send a child to college for four years.  It wouldn't even pay for a semester.  If she hasn't given it you, why should you pay her $3,000.00?  Like I said, I don't understand this part of the question.

Good luck and stay out of trouble!  

Answer 9

What a rough situation you're in!  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, especially at age 17/18.  This is a very hard transition for a parent, believe it or not, and it works out much easier if the parent and child can compromise, which is what I think you will need to pursue with your mom.

Your relationship is stuck.  She wants one thing and you want another.  The best way to work this out is to seek the assistance of a licensed professional counselor or psychotherapist and have a few sessions where things can be openly discussed in a safe environment with an objective person to help you get unstuck.  

There are methods and techniques to try, but I'm under the impression that your mom is not open to anything right now except hanging on to her daughter, who she will not have around much longer, after enjoying years of daily interaction with you.  Even negative interaction is interaction fromwhich she receives some type of reward within herself.  

For you, it is important that you consider your mom's situation and continue to respect her authority while slowly and quietly gaining your individuality and separating from her personality and perspective without being offensive to her.  The only person's behavior you are in control of is yours.  By maintaining a steady determination rather than sparking or igniting at every opportunity, you will maintain your dignity as you mature into a young adult.  It is your mother who is not adjusting well, as you already have noticed, and it will be extremely helpful to you and to her if you calmly suggest the both of you attend family therapy.  There is a specific type of therapy, referred to as solution-focused, which circumvents a lot of the bad feelings in order to devise a goal or plan to get along with each other rather than decide who is right and who is wrong.  

Most counties have a behavioral and/or mental health clinic which sets the fees for counseling according to income level.  If this is available to you and your mom, by all means make an appointment.  You have mentioned school, as well.  Most campuses have on-site mental health counselors who are trained specifically to work with parents and teens in this regard, as it is very common in families, especially if you are the eldest child.  

Acknowledge your mom's disappointment and hurt feelings she experienced upon discovering you in the midst of sexual activity.  That is quite a shock to a parent, especially if she has been in denial that you could be "like that."  You showing your understanding for and validation of your mom's emotional battle raging within her will go a long way in opening avenues for calm conversation and considering another person's perspective on the matter.

Most important of all, reassure your mom of the love you have for her.  She is your mom, the only one person who loves you more than anything, and she feels as if she failed you and failed herself, although it was basically a case of denial.  Talk to her about her first sexual experience, how old was she, what did she think about it.  Talk to her as an adult child about an adult topic in an adult manner.  Asking her about her past experiences with s*x and relationships may open up communication enough that you will find your mom to be somewhat different than you have perceived her to be as your mother;  she is a person with feelings, and hurts, and regrets that she hasn't revealed to you as her child.  But as an adult, she may be ready to talk and begin to investigate the differences between her and you, and consider your situation differently, through different lenses, so to speak.  

You will certainly and painfully understand more of this when your own daughter leaves home, turns 18, has s*x for the first time, develops b*****s, has her first menstrual period, and all the other changes that occur in a parent-child relationship.  But, at this point, maintain calmness, kindness, and confidence as your foundation to approach these difficulties with mom.  You will be a winner if you remain even-keeled in mood and tone of voice.  She will respect you for treating her well during a difficult time, when you both look back on it years from now.  You are making memories.  It is better to have positive memories than negative ones, of course, and you are in control of that somewhat by your reactions, responses, and overall behavior through this difficult time.