ive been waiting months for therapy, ive had a tragic horrific life so far - im 30 now - i have borderline poersonality disorder and ptsd..
my life has been one long tradgedy so far .
earlier this morning i went for my therapy assesment where they asked me a group of questions about my life so far.
ive been told in general that the correct therapy for bpd is dialectal behaviour therapy ....
however at this stage dr andrew told me its not certain whether their psychotherapy centre can help me yet.....its just an assesment.
and that they can only offer group therapy - what the h**l ?
can anyone advise what to do here, because where i live, this is the only therapy unit available....
and i thought i might get dbt or individual psychotherapy.
i really battle with my disorder and rage and feeling alienated from society and just want to move ahead with my life........ive already missed out a great deal in life..
so what do i do, do i take their therapy if they offer it me ?
im so annoyed - plus heres my circumstances in general :
i exist alone, living in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits in england- i feel ostracised and alienated from society.
i have no one except an aging mother whos always stood by me and done her best for me, shes 58 now and cant get up to see me like she once did.
i have alot of aggression problems that ive improved with all by myself over the years.....i used to have rage outbursts in public that i didnt plan, but comes from years of severe bullying.
ive basically had a horrifically hard life, missed out on forming ' any ' relationships with anyone........ missed out on ever being employed or gaining any qualifications.........missed out on an education..
im extremely lonely, abandoned....forgotten about by society......i sit in my apartment every night and no one seeks me out, tells me im worth something........its like i dont matter to anyone in society.
i feel people are aloof and standoffish to me like they were to me in the past , like no one wants to know me..
i feel stigmatised as somebody to avoid because of my criminal mental past and rage problems....
no one to phone....no one to phone me.....no one to turn to....a tormented, disadvantaged past..
i feel angry at people with happy lives, jealous, aggressive , it represents everything ive never had..
im 30 now, i own nothing....live on disability.....have a dusty old pathetic computer........no carpets on the floor.....have borderline personality disorder and ptsd.
wait for therapy........have torn ankle ligaments an injured ankle.....was told it will take a while to heal.
ive aged prematurly in my face..
have physical imperfections : 2 missing teeth - front bottom row- saving for dental treatment- cant afford anything right now.
this happened after i headbutted a wall years ago through anger.
cracked, broken skin , tears in the skin ' covering ' the ' head ' of my p***s,
an itchy, smelly sweaty s*****m, im waiting to see a dermatologist, she doesnt know what it is or wether the cracks can be cleared yet.
the tears and cracks dont hurt, but the skin is sensitive and looks terrible, all broken cracked skin covering my p***s head..plus discoloration of the head part.
i know its nothing sexually infection because i was checked out at the clinic months ago..
my little finger is crooked and droops over due to an injury years ago.
my only goalsin life is to attain a good paying computer job....to live a peaceful life near the coast........to leave england.......to find a loving partner....to eventually live in spain or another part of europe.
but tell me in my position, at 30, starting from zero, how will i do that ?
im despairing right now.
its like no one cares about me and societies moved on and left me behind.
people reject me, especially girls because i have major low self esteem.....i get clingy....expect to much to soon......dont no how to maintain a conversation.
theres this rusian girl on my messenger list, ive spoke to twice.....she seems nice.....but im scared to go talk to her again incase she rejects me because of how iam.
with all this, and in general ; what am i going to do ?
people have treated me aloofly and standoffishly for years now like their conveying the message im below them and that theyre rejecting me..
like theres a STIGMA that follows me around. and im being SOCIALLY EXCLUDED from society.
people treat me like a sad charity case and convey i would only be accepted because society would feel soory for me..
i get spoken down to, belittled, condescended....prople....females, shop workers , authority figures are all aloof with me.
i have severe low self esteem which means im constantly rejected....i get clingy...act desperate.......then people back away from me.
im so angry right now.....i just want to emigrate from the uk, with a good paying job.....thats it.
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